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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset over cake?

179 replies

Thistledew · 10/04/2022 08:10

It seems so trivial, I probably am BU.

It's DD's birthday tomorrow. DH likes baking and usually bakes a cake for the DC's birthdays and I do the decorating.

Earlier in the week we had a discussion about what sort of cake to make. DH suggested a chocolate fudge, which I thought would be a bit rich for DD, who will be 2. As she loves colourful things and naming colours, I suggested a rainbow sponge cake - or at least a simplified version with two or three different coloured layers. DH agreed this was a good idea and bought the ingredients, including red, orange and yellow food colouring to do a three layer cake.

Yesterday, he baked the cakes. I thought they looked a bit pale so I asked if he had used the food colouring. He said that forgot that we had talked about a coloured sponge and he had it in mind that we were just going to put colour in the icing.

It seems so trivial, and I known in the grand scheme of things that it doesn't matter and DD will love whatever cake we produce, but this is something that happens often- I will tell DH something, or we will have a discussion, and he will then just 'forget'.

It seems symptomatic of a bigger problem- it used to be that he wouldn't hear me when I tried to talk to him about something. Now he hears me but he forgets.

AIBU to feel that the issue is more about him zoning out and not engaging with me properly? If IABU, how do I raise this with him without it being a big moan about a trivial issue of the colour of a cake?

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 10/04/2022 14:15

@HardbackWriter There’s a difference between you genuinely forgetting and Ops husband who is using it as an excuse for not communicating.

KhansMambo · 10/04/2022 14:23

@HardbackWriter

I can be quite forgetful, much more so than DH. If I discovered he was writing a list of times I'd messed up to hold against me and prove that I can't function I'd be devastated, and I'm pretty sure MN would tell me that I must LTB immediately in that scenario.
If you know that you’re very forgetful, then do you take any steps to address it? Write things down, set reminders, and so on?
NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/04/2022 15:50

Maybe in this particular case, he's not comfortable with saying

'Strongly dyed sponge tastes like shit and I'd actually prefer to spend my time making something that's vaguely edible, rather than one that looks like it's been made with Instagram in mind, so I decided to carry on how I already meant to do it, with a small amount of food dye in the icing, only you picked up on it before I could finish'?

So he doesn't feel able to make clear that there are things where he does know better?

(before anybody rips into me over this and say of course cakes filled with E numbers don't taste any different, perhaps food dyes have completely changed and now have absolutely no bitterness in them, but that's what the last cakes DP made a couple of years ago with colouring in the batter tasted like - he now sticks to colouring the icing).

Other circumstances are different. But perhaps it creates a dynamic where he's being confronted or criticised for things where he isn't wrong/stupid/thoughtless as well; the genuine feeling that nothing he does is right, only to be answered with a 'they would be if you just obeyed me without question'?

BluKorner · 10/04/2022 17:35

He might have just genuinely forgotten, rather than this being indicative of some hidden agenda. I know if I’m making something and I need to deviate from my usual method, I sometimes forget!

Relentlessrose · 10/04/2022 17:38

@medicmummm

Not really an issue but guess it’s irritating more than anything if you had envisioned something different.

But u could turn it into a surprise cake and cut the middle out to put sweets in?

I love this idea! In keeping with the rainbow theme it could be rainbow coloured sweets. No weird tasting sponge, some rainbow icing, a glorious sweets surprise and just as instagramable
Giraffesandbottoms · 10/04/2022 18:25

This morning I asked my husband to go upstairs and get my comfy trousers because I have pregnancy heartburn and my tight trousers were a mistake. I said “they are in a the drawer under the wardrobe to the right”.

He couldn’t find them. He was looking in the wardrobe. He doesn’t listen. We have this many, many times a week but, ultimately, I could have just gone up and got my own trousers.

I know some men do use it as an excuse, and I realise it’s convenient and often situational (surprise surprise he’s perfectly competent at work) but I have come to learn it’s not that he’s unwilling / he went upstairs to help me. He just tunes out the detail.

Sounds similar. He did his best with the cake/next time make it yourself to be sure or accept it may not be perfect.

I’ve always found food colouring is never the colour you think it will be in sponge cakes anyway once baked!

SevenWaystoLeave · 10/04/2022 19:03

It isn't about the cake apparently. It is about the dh's inability to follow his wife's instructions.

DH isn't her subordinate. He's not obliged to follow her instructions to the letter, especially not for a cake that he is making. If a female OP posted here saying her DH expected her to "follow his instructions" we'd all be saying LTB.

GiveMeNovocain · 10/04/2022 19:11

It is very frustrating when partners have memory problems. Mine does because of brain damage. I text him if it's important but everything else I let him do his own way

Original poster
Thistledew · 10/04/2022 19:23

To respond to what some PP have said- it was not the act of forgetting the colour per se that upset me- if he had baked the cakes and then gone "oh bugger, I forgot to put the colour in", or even if he had said that he deliberately left it out for some reason, I wouldn't have minded. It was that he said that he had forgotten what we had discussed when we talked about it.

We have talked about cake gate, as although I hadn't said anything he picked up that I was disappointed. He offered to make a new one and I told him not to be daft and it wasn't that important. He said that he has a lot on his mind- his work has been stressful and we are starting a renovation project on our house.

I said this is was fair enough, and I didn't expect him to be perfect, but in discussions about our relationship recently, which has been a bit bumpy, he complained that I was giving more of my attention to the kids and to my work than to our relationship- and that his 'forgetfulness' when it comes to things I have said, is perhaps an example of the same problem.

OP posts:
KhansMambo · 10/04/2022 19:25

What was his response?

Original poster
Thistledew · 10/04/2022 19:27

He acknowledged that I had a point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thistledew · 10/04/2022 19:33

I don't know how much things will change- he doesn't have a great memory generally, which I try not to let frustrate me because I have a near photographic memory so acknowledge that I can't expect to hold everyone to the same standard. But I do think that he often zones out of stuff I say or stuff to do with the children, and could give it more headspace if he chose.

OP posts:
KhansMambo · 10/04/2022 19:36

I don't know how much things will change- he doesn't have a great memory generally, which I try not to let frustrate me because I have a near photographic memory so acknowledge that I can't expect to hold everyone to the same standard

He has the ability to write things down. Having a bad memory excuses exactly nothing.

He acknowledged you had a point, but what does he propose to do about it?

DappledShade · 10/04/2022 19:40

As someone who is always forgetting to add the chocolate chips I completely feel for your dh. If be didn't listen to you he would've done the chocolate fudge cake (which most 2 year old would love anway). He did listen to you, he did bake the cake, you are nitpicking and sound rather silly in my opinion.

Poppins2016 · 10/04/2022 19:49

Hopefully this won't repeat anything other posters have said (OP, I've read all of your posts, but not all of the others)...

You can salvage the rainbow effect by using coloured icing for each layer. You could even do an ombre effect on the outside too...

As for the issue itself... I think I'd feel annoyed too. There's something about repeated acts of not listening/not remembering/just not doing as agreed that feel as though people just don't give a shit and I feel as though it's uncaring and disrespectful at the end of the day.

Mossstitch · 10/04/2022 19:55

I think it's a 'male thing' three sons, many times I've told them I don't need anything expensive for birthdays or Christmas, perfectly happy with a bunch of daffodils & bar Cadbury chocolate but I keep getting things I really don't want like expensive electronics, vases (nobody buys me flowers), teapots (I mostly drink coffee)....... Its not that I'm ungrateful but I don't like them wasting their money on things I don't need/want (and have to keep on display in a small house😇🤦to show my appreciation) so this year I thought I'd cracked it by putting up an amazon wish list, everything under £10, simple I thought🙈, sent them all a link....... I received a digital meat thermometer from vegetarian son 🤷 and £45 worth of expensive handmade chocolate that I can't eat, too rich for my cheap tastes, (a £1 block of Cadbury or box of maltezers would have been well received😋)........ I give up😍😂

twinsetandpearl · 11/04/2022 01:49

@Thistledew

I don't know how much things will change- he doesn't have a great memory generally, which I try not to let frustrate me because I have a near photographic memory so acknowledge that I can't expect to hold everyone to the same standard. But I do think that he often zones out of stuff I say or stuff to do with the children, and could give it more headspace if he chose.

So you're perfect and he isnt

Honestly you sound hard work

TigerLilyTail · 11/04/2022 02:15

Ok, it does sound like he's genuinely just forgetful then. Honestly, I think many people are quite forgetful about stuff when you are juggling work, home stuff, kids, marriage, etc.

I try my best and keep lists but I still forget stuff all the time. I think you need to cut him some slack here. Nobody is perfect!

KosherDill · 11/04/2022 02:41

@DappledShade

As someone who is always forgetting to add the chocolate chips I completely feel for your dh. If be didn't listen to you he would've done the chocolate fudge cake (which most 2 year old would love anway). He did listen to you, he did bake the cake, you are nitpicking and sound rather silly in my opinion.

This.

Nothing worse than being beaten down by a know-it-all infallible nitpicker.

KosherDill · 11/04/2022 02:44

@SevenWaystoLeave

It isn't about the cake apparently. It is about the dh's inability to follow his wife's instructions.

DH isn't her subordinate. He's not obliged to follow her instructions to the letter, especially not for a cake that he is making. If a female OP posted here saying her DH expected her to "follow his instructions" we'd all be saying LTB.

Exactly this.

If he's in charge of cake, stop micromanaging him!

Pixiedust1234 · 11/04/2022 02:47

@thenightsky

In anonymous research men admit that they disregard what's said by women. It used to be the case that police/services did as well. It's been shown that it can take a woman to say something at least three times for us to be taken seriously, but then we are accused of nagging

Wow, that explains why DH has been ignoring me for 40 years. Its fucking infuriating. Angry

^^ This

I am told I am nagging if I have to remind him but its also my fault if I don't. He frequently says he forgets discussions or that he will do something. Sometimes he even offers but later on denies he did. I am actually starting to realise he just lies. He lies that he agrees with the discussion. He lies about forgetting. He lies about offering. He just does not care unless it involves his TV, his sport or his car. He couldn't even be bothered with his own children like yours and the FIL dates.

Don't ignore this OP. Talk to him properly and try to get him see it really is a problem. Get counselling if needs be but don't think it will okay without doing anything. At the very least your resentment and frustration will kill the relationship and probably make you ill in the process. It creeps up on you.

kateandme · 11/04/2022 02:55

@WTF475878237NC

Most people are replying about the cake, so you're going to struggle if your husband is just as obtuse.

This isn't about cake! Cake is an example OP has used to illustrate a pattern.

Given what's happened in the thread already I'd suggest you focus on the theme of not feeling listened to and engaged with and how that makes you feel. I would avoid this specific example and pick less recent ones so there's possibly less chance of a defensive reaction about her birthday.

This It's about him just ignoring,not caring,listening,thinking your important enough.
OLP2019 · 11/04/2022 03:37

All I take from this is your DH baked a cake (literally no one I know has a dh who would do this ) but it didn't meet the specs you wanted so you fell out
I'm on his side on this sorry !!

OLP2019 · 11/04/2022 03:47

Bit @kateandme maybe the cake ISNT the issue as you say but maybe it isn't the DH with the problem he sounds like he tries pretty hard but OP has exacting standards that he'll never be able to meet

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/04/2022 04:02

Ugh.. I get it.

I'd explain why but it's so fucking convoluted and the vipers here would pick it all apart as they are doing with you, or minimise it.

But as a result of 'I forgot' which translates to 'I didn't engage my brain' and 'I don't listen to you' I have:

Wasted money
Been covered in fucking ketchup (half a bottle all down my arm)
Had to sit wearing a top that triggers every sensory issue except the one triggered by the ketchup.
Been told I should check he's done a simple job properly instead of trust him to do it properly.

I am also about to get told off because he wanted to go to bed earlier and we haven't gone to bed as I am still waiting for something I asked for an hour ago (hi vipers, no, I can't, it's in a place i can't reach. The place I've told him not to put it, in the room ive told him to keep clear so I can get in it to get to it..)... because 'I forgot'.

It is fucking relentless, its like he threw his brain out and wants to abdicate all responsibility for thought, planning, decisions to me.. but also doesn't want to listen OR do what I actually say.