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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
Greatoutdoors · 10/04/2022 11:37

I had the same issue with my husband when we turned 40. We were at incompatible life stages. We’ve divorced now and he’s happily engaged to someone a few years older. I’m happily single and enjoying a great social life. There were other issues but it was time to go our separate ways.

elbea · 10/04/2022 11:39

@TypicaIMe I think your comprehension needs some work. There was a full stop between the two things you are conflating. If I’d have been to a concert I’d have said concert and not night out.

ComeSailAway · 10/04/2022 11:39

He's a brilliant husband in every other way,

So find other people to go to gigs with.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 11:39

@RaRathebravemouse

I'm not 40 yet and like to stay in and get an early night whenever possible

YABU

@RaRathebravemouse Every night?!
WonderfulYou · 10/04/2022 11:43

My parents are 62 and they’re away for the weekend in a hotel and seeing a band.

Surely that’s because they enjoy it though?

I’m 31 and although I’ve always enjoyed nights out and clubbing, seeing a band is not something I’d enjoy so I would also decline the invite.

There seems to be a lot of posters desperate to be seen as still young and ‘with it’ but forcing yourself to do something that you think the younger generation would think is cool is literally the opposite of cool.

Quincythequince · 10/04/2022 11:46

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj
Things are harder as we age! Why you are deliver being obtuse here, stumps me!

Mumsnet refuses to believe people age. It's odd.

*True

And they think of things that many older people enjoy…. Like staying in with cocoa and having an early night as somehow a bad and thing to do*

You’re aware keepon that I said this original quote (typo and all), and typical called me ageist for it!

But yet you then agreed with her for calling me uptight, when all I said was I’m not ageist, this is simply what happens when you get older (which you yourself have just also said)

typical has had it pointed out that she’s misread a few posts btw.

Why don’t people read things properly before posting.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 10/04/2022 11:48

Everyone is different and it's perfectly okay to want to stay home, just as it's perfectly okay to want to go out.

There's always the implication on these threads that anyone who doesn't want to go out and socialise is boring/dull/old. People are allowed to like different things.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 11:49

@WonderfulYou

I don’t think the posters who still go out to see bands etc care at all what you or the “younger generation” think! Like you said yourself, they go because they enjoy it

mewkins · 10/04/2022 12:04

@HardbackWriter

I also don't know why people keep telling OP that she should just go with a friend - she says in the first post:

I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die?

It's not that she doesn't know she can go without him, and it's not about this one gig - it's about feeling her really out of sync with her partner.

I think it's easy to get into this rut. I'm totally happy doing stuff on my own but actually I think doing activities and seeing things together helps to keep a relationship fresh often. I'd be concerned this is only going to get worse too.
Ponoka7 · 10/04/2022 12:33

"I'd be concerned this is only going to get worse too."

That's the point, there's been a change. That could have physical reasons, or mental. Both need addressing. Disengaging from things that we used to enjoy, our partners etc, makes us age faster. If you read around dementia and poor outcomes in older age, becoming insular, is really harmful. It tends to make men into grumpy, intolerant and old before their time. It's changing the game posts in a relationship, but expecting your partner to put up with it because you are older.

stimpyyouidiot · 10/04/2022 12:38

I'm 33 and I find 'big nights out' take a lot of psyching up for me to want to go. I do enjoy it when I'm there but I also feel the pressure of deciding what to wear, getting ready, getting there on time, how we will get home.

I'm also exhausted after! But then I do have a 4 year old and am currently pregnant so it is worse right now.

I have always got the anxiety prior to going out though!

ExplodingElephants · 10/04/2022 12:43

@LemonMuffins

I'm 36 and feel the same as him GrinBlush

Can you just book it and force him out anyway? I'm usually fine once I'm actually out, I just can't be bothered to get ready and leave the house.

This is me, similar age to @LemonMuffins
shinynewapple22 · 10/04/2022 12:52

@FlowerArranger

if I went out for dinner I probably would feel too full afterwards to do anything else. (Like what?)

ShockConfusedHmm

When we go out for dinner it's usually pre-theatre, concert, ballet, et cetera... (we're in our 60s!)

Unless you are very well off, some people might see that as a waste of a nice dinner out as you are eating with one eye on the clock for when you have to leave for the start of the performance . Dinner out to me is a relaxing affair and the main event of the evening . Unless of course you are just popping into the pub as it saves cooking !

CapMarvel · 10/04/2022 12:55

This is all a bit dramatic isn't it?

People are allowed to want to do different things and change their minds on what they do as they get older. OH doesn't want to go to gigs any more so I go by myself or with friends. I can't be arsed to go clubbing any more so... I don't.

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 13:05

Meh I'm much the same these days and I'm 42. I do think covid lockdowns have contributed but I am much more content at home now albeit with a couple of glasses of wine not cocoa.

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 13:05

Sorry posted too soon. Meant to add can you go with a friend instead?

liveforsummer · 10/04/2022 13:08

@FlowerArranger

if I went out for dinner I probably would feel too full afterwards to do anything else. (Like what?)

ShockConfusedHmm

When we go out for dinner it's usually pre-theatre, concert, ballet, et cetera... (we're in our 60s!)

I'd tend to go for a meal after. If I went before I'd likely fall asleep ring the show 😆
MargosKaftan · 10/04/2022 13:23

From reading this, the problem isn't that the OP and her DH like doing different things, it's that he likes doing nothing. He doesn't want to go out at all, he wants to stay home with her. He does go fishing, but only on his own so once he retires, she will be his only human contact. That's a lot to put on someone. Particularly if it involves curbing what she does so he's not lonely.

OP - could you arrange some lunches with his old "lad" friends and their wives, maybe just one couple at a time. Get him back into socialising a bit. Or have a think about a chat about his decision to just stop, could he be depressed?

Kennykenkencat · 10/04/2022 13:32

@WonderfulYou

My parents are 62 and they’re away for the weekend in a hotel and seeing a band.

Surely that’s because they enjoy it though?

I’m 31 and although I’ve always enjoyed nights out and clubbing, seeing a band is not something I’d enjoy so I would also decline the invite.

There seems to be a lot of posters desperate to be seen as still young and ‘with it’ but forcing yourself to do something that you think the younger generation would think is cool is literally the opposite of cool.

I couldn’t give a flying f**k about looking cool infront of the younger generation or any generation or do you think that when you get to a certain age you are not allowed to do certain things.

Do you think going out is only for those under 30.

I go out because I enjoy being in crowds. It energises me and the thought of staying in watching Saturday night Telly and have my brain slowly rot watching Ant and Dec or some singing competition fills me with dread.
Does anyone watch these things sober (I don’t drink which could explains n a lot). Dh sits watching tv in the evening always with a glass of wine.

I sometimes wonder if he drinks in order to watch the programme or watching the programme drives him to drink.

You seem to be suggesting that anyone over a certain age only goes out because they want to look a certain way.
Do you do things because you want to look a certain way or do you do things because you enjoy them.

Why is it any difference as you get older.

shinynewapple22 · 10/04/2022 13:34

@Keeponmoving2213
The OP has stated her husband is 58. If she was born in 1965 she would be 56/57 - not in her 60s.

Kennykenkencat · 10/04/2022 13:35

if I went out for dinner I probably would feel too full afterwards to do anything else

Then stop eating.
You don’t have to eat everything on your plate.

timestheyarechanging · 10/04/2022 13:41

I'm 51 and have gone from going out most nights to none! I don't like crowds anymore, makes me anxious. I used to be clubbing 5/7nights but couldn't bare it now. Thankfully my partner is the same. He ran bars and clubs for 20odd years but hates them now. We go out for days and for lunch or early dinner but we are home by 9! I last went out of an eve for my friends 50th but only lasted an hour. Once it got really busy, We left. I still socialise a lot but meet friends for lunch, days out or have them over to mine for dinner. I don't miss going out of an evening at all.

CounsellorTroi · 10/04/2022 13:41

I'd tend to go for a meal after. If I went before I'd likely fall asleep ring the show 😆

Most shows end about 10pm which would be too late for me to have dinner. My stomach would be rumbling. We allow plenty of time and book somewhere near the show venue. Such places often have pre show dinner offers.

timestheyarechanging · 10/04/2022 13:44

I do go to the theatre of an evening though. That weirdly doesn't make me anxious. Maybe because everyone is sitting down?!

ThisUserIsNamed · 10/04/2022 14:04

I know this is mumsnet, you're barely out of your infancy at 58 and certainly nowhere near middle aged jot alone old.
IRL YABU people get older. They want to go to bet earlier. Nap more frequently. Feel certain things are more of a young person's thing. He doesn't feel up to it. He isn't trying to stop you going, he is doing absolutely nothing wrong bar the mortal sin of aging. Its usually women who are criticised for getting older.