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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ready to stay in with cocoa & slippers at 58

285 replies

Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 00:46

I want to go & see a band, we'd be sitting down, but husband says he's too old for it. The band are from our younger days, are as old as us so audience is mainly going to be our age too. We've seen them before & I thought we had a nice time, so I got excited about seeing them again. I can go with a friend or on my own, but his too old/can't be assed to go attitude has taken the wind out of my sales. He's a brilliant husband in every other way, but is this it til we die? Our nights out together will be a nice meal then come straight home cos we're too full to stay out longer. I see other same age friend & her husband going out & having fun, while we're at home with our cocoa. Aibu?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 14:34

@ThisUserIsNamed

I know this is mumsnet, you're barely out of your infancy at 58 and certainly nowhere near middle aged jot alone old. IRL YABU people get older. They want to go to bet earlier. Nap more frequently. Feel certain things are more of a young person's thing. He doesn't feel up to it. He isn't trying to stop you going, he is doing absolutely nothing wrong bar the mortal sin of aging. Its usually women who are criticised for getting older.
But 58 isn’t old though
ThisUserIsNamed · 10/04/2022 14:42

Isn't it? It is certainly passed middle aged, now many 116 year olds do you know? What comes after middle aged if not old age?

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 15:08

@ThisUserIsNamed

Isn't it? It is certainly passed middle aged, now many 116 year olds do you know? What comes after middle aged if not old age?
@ThisUserIsNamed Well maybe when you’re 58 see how you feel ane whether you would label yourself as old.
AgathaAllAlong · 10/04/2022 15:24

Don't know what to tell you OP my DH is 34 and is like this. I wonder sometimes if I'm the problem and of he were with someone else he's want to go out. If I go out with him he moans the whole time and wants to be home by 10. If I go with friends he hassles me to get home by 12.

Either way you can't force him, just go alone.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 15:32

@AgathaAllAlong

Don't know what to tell you OP my DH is 34 and is like this. I wonder sometimes if I'm the problem and of he were with someone else he's want to go out. If I go out with him he moans the whole time and wants to be home by 10. If I go with friends he hassles me to get home by 12.

Either way you can't force him, just go alone.

@AgathaAllAlong He sounds so miserable. You have my sympathy
stormswiftlysweetafton · 10/04/2022 16:11

Many of us don't enjoy socialising much and would rather spend the evening at home doing our own things. There's nothing "wrong" with being happier with a quiet life.

As for it being a sign of depression that someone would rather stay cosily at home instead of going out, I wouldn't jump to "depression" unless it's an unexplained change from their usual behaviour, and then only if they seemed unhappy or unmotivated in general. The easier answer is that they simply don't enjoy socialising as much as society as a whole thinks all people should.

WouldBeGood · 10/04/2022 16:15

It may be, but shared activities are really important in a relationship.

5128gap · 10/04/2022 16:22

I have the opposite. A bit anyway. My DP is very young and thinks nights don't get started till midnight, which can be too much for me at 52. But, the idea of what you're describing with a same age man sounds very much worse. Some of my friends are like it too, wanting to do quiet calm things that finish early, when I still want to stay out late, dance and have fun. Its a difficult age I think, as people vary so much in energy levels, health and outlook as they get older, and you inevitably have to fall in with the lowest common denominator, as you can't force people beyond their capacity.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 10/04/2022 16:28

Has he always been this way? Could just be his personality is less sociable than yours! Also what does he do for a living? I’m only mid-thirties but I’m a teacher so I talk all day - quite often at the weekends I’m content with family time rather than having to make the effort to go out and talk to other people Blush

C8H10N4O2 · 10/04/2022 16:38

DH is older than me, early 60s but only by a few years. Pre covid we would still go to bands/theatre/ballet etc, sometimes with our grown up DC but I definitely feel it the next morning in a way I never used to so would not make a habit of it midweek. My job is pretty intensive so I can't semi sleep through the next morning Grin

We have not really gotten back into the swing of it but hope to be doing more in the Summer.

InFiveMins · 10/04/2022 16:51

YABU. He doesn't want to go, it's nothing about him being 58 and wanting 'cocoa and slippers'. He doesn't want to go and see the band, no big deal.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 17:00

But you can have cosy nights in all the time! Those of you who are saying this is your preference…you cannot mean literally all the time? All these nights in get boring, no? Same four walls etc

Original poster
Stressedout65 · 10/04/2022 19:52

Well this turned out to be a much longer thread than I thought it would! Thank you for all your comments.
@TurningUpMyStereotype I don't know how my original thread implies I think I'm cooler than my dh.
@Keeponmoving2213 where in my op did you get the impression I haven't built up a good circle of friends? I did say quite clearly that I could go with a friend if I wanted to!
Fwiw, I do have nights out with my friends still, but would also like to go out with my dh every now & again, & not just for a meal and then home by about 9. I don't think going to a concert that will finish about 1030 occasionally is too much to ask. We always sit these days as I have no desire to stand for 3 hours in an arena, anymore than he does.
I was also chatting to a friend the other day whose husband is worse. He's a successful businessman, outgoing at work, but even a meal out once he's home is too much. He has no friends at all. My husband relies on me for socialising, on our own or with couple friends. Me & my friend both agree that if our husbands passed away first that we'd cope better in the long run, as we have our friends who would support us. If we passed away first we think our dh would find it a while lot harder as they don't have their own friendships to support them.
Although my own dh is very good at chatting to ladies in a respectful way & as opposed to flirting
once he gets going in the right scenario, & is still good looking, so if anything happened to me he'd be seen as a good catch I think! He just needs to fight this getting into a rut stage.
I have no desire to split from him whatsoever, I have my nights out with my friends alone, but I would also like to go out with him too
We've had a good chat about it & he remembers that he has enjoyed concerts & stuff & he needs a kick up the rear end every now & again to stop him turning into a lazy couch potato. As for his own friendship group he's not so bothered if he's having a nice time with me or couple friends. Now he's back at work that isolated feeling has gone & he needs the downtime at home rather than sinking pint after pint in some pub. Fishing club & other more outdoorsy things he'd like can be cultivated when he has retired.
By the same token there is a big change he would like me to make an effort with, but I never do because I love my food too much! He would at least like me to make an effort to try & lose weight so that we have an active & healthy retirement together. I'm so overweight I don't feel like going to some of the hot places abroad as I'm too self conscious to bare any flesh. Kayaking is another activity we both want to do but I'm too heavy.
Anyway, I'm rambling too much now, we both agree we both need a kick up the backside every now & again so we can do activities together which we both enjoy.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 10/04/2022 22:31

@ThisUserIsNamed

Isn't it? It is certainly passed middle aged, now many 116 year olds do you know? What comes after middle aged if not old age?
2 years away from a bus pass. It's at least late middle aged. Things changed for me around 40 (friends no longer willing to stay out late) so I can believe they may change again at 50 and 60.
Sunnytwobridges · 10/04/2022 23:02

@LuckySantangelo35

But you can have cosy nights in all the time! Those of you who are saying this is your preference…you cannot mean literally all the time? All these nights in get boring, no? Same four walls etc
@LuckySantangelo35

Why does this bother you so??? You’ve posted the same thing multiple times, it’s really not that serious. Everyone is not the same. I don’t understand why you don’t get this. Enjoy your time out of the house while the rest of us enjoy whatever activity we are doing in our homes.

TheOriginalEmu · 11/04/2022 00:17

@LuckySantangelo35

But you can have cosy nights in all the time! Those of you who are saying this is your preference…you cannot mean literally all the time? All these nights in get boring, no? Same four walls etc
No. They don’t get boring. I can find a million things to do at home and I’m never bored in my own company. I’m an introvert and I love to be alone.
TheOriginalEmu · 11/04/2022 00:19

@Stressedout65

Well this turned out to be a much longer thread than I thought it would! Thank you for all your comments. *@TurningUpMyStereotype* I don't know how my original thread implies I think I'm cooler than my dh. *@Keeponmoving2213* where in my op did you get the impression I haven't built up a good circle of friends? I did say quite clearly that I could go with a friend if I wanted to! Fwiw, I do have nights out with my friends still, but would also like to go out with my dh every now & again, & not just for a meal and then home by about 9. I don't think going to a concert that will finish about 1030 occasionally is too much to ask. We always sit these days as I have no desire to stand for 3 hours in an arena, anymore than he does. I was also chatting to a friend the other day whose husband is worse. He's a successful businessman, outgoing at work, but even a meal out once he's home is too much. He has no friends at all. My husband relies on me for socialising, on our own or with couple friends. Me & my friend both agree that if our husbands passed away first that we'd cope better in the long run, as we have our friends who would support us. If we passed away first we think our dh would find it a while lot harder as they don't have their own friendships to support them. Although my own dh is very good at chatting to ladies in a respectful way & as opposed to flirting once he gets going in the right scenario, & is still good looking, so if anything happened to me he'd be seen as a good catch I think! He just needs to fight this getting into a rut stage. I have no desire to split from him whatsoever, I have my nights out with my friends alone, but I would also like to go out with him too We've had a good chat about it & he remembers that he has enjoyed concerts & stuff & he needs a kick up the rear end every now & again to stop him turning into a lazy couch potato. As for his own friendship group he's not so bothered if he's having a nice time with me or couple friends. Now he's back at work that isolated feeling has gone & he needs the downtime at home rather than sinking pint after pint in some pub. Fishing club & other more outdoorsy things he'd like can be cultivated when he has retired. By the same token there is a big change he would like me to make an effort with, but I never do because I love my food too much! He would at least like me to make an effort to try & lose weight so that we have an active & healthy retirement together. I'm so overweight I don't feel like going to some of the hot places abroad as I'm too self conscious to bare any flesh. Kayaking is another activity we both want to do but I'm too heavy. Anyway, I'm rambling too much now, we both agree we both need a kick up the backside every now & again so we can do activities together which we both enjoy.
Sounds like you’ve worked things out…but I worry that ‘getting in a rut’ and ‘being a couch potato’ are how you describe the perfectly normal desire to be at home.
Norgie · 11/04/2022 11:07

@WonderfulYou It's nothing to do with being ' cool ' and everything to do with what you enjoy.
I don't see that many young ones at the Punk and Oi gigs that I go to.

Margerine78 · 11/04/2022 17:37

45 here and give me slippers and a night in any day! Only nights out I do now are diner at people's houses or early dinner at a restaurant so I can be in bed by 10am!

OP - was your husband a party animal when younger? I was in my teens, 20s, 30s and now staying in is like this revelation of chill and happiness to me.

Kittysummer · 11/04/2022 18:00

I have just been on a cruise with my husband and this got him up and doing different things. My daughter just booked a weekend away for us and an 80s show with Martin Kemp. I kept saying I wanted to see it but never booked it. My point is sometimes we need to have stuff done for us at an upper age otherwise we can’t be arsed as they say.

Original poster
Stressedout65 · 11/04/2022 18:12

Yes, nothing to do with being cool. I've always loved music & going out since I was 14, so why stop ,now? And yes @TheOriginalEmu I do describe being stuck to the sofa in front of the tv as being a couch potato. Like a pp said, some of us don't want to look back on our lives & realise we spent 30 years in front of the tv. I hate the tv at the best of times. I also appreciate my time at home too, very much. I normally hibernate for a good 3 or 4 months as I can't be bothered to go out in the cold

OP posts:
caringcarer · 11/04/2022 18:14

We don't go put as much as we did just a few years ago. We eat out together about once a month and have takeaway the other three weeks in the month. I would prefer to go out more but my dh always seems tired. I am 4 years older than him. I eat out once a month with my son but DH rarely joins us. I have just decided I ask but if he refuses I go out with a friend, my son or even alone.

Longleggedgiraffe · 11/04/2022 18:21

Comprise. You go out with a friend and let him stay in.

user1485851222 · 11/04/2022 18:39

Mine is the same, a young 62 in every other way, trains, very fit, youthful outlook, doesn't look his age. But socially, only wants to go for meals, meal booked 7pm, home by 9.30. If I say do something else, just says, you've got mates do it with them.. I will add, he is up at 5.30a.m. mon-fri.... I don't want to stand in a pub all night, but a bit of variety would be nice

Original poster
Stressedout65 · 11/04/2022 18:47

@Longleggedgiraffe I already do compromise. I have plenty of nights out til 3am with my friends where they play new romantic & goth music. It's full of people my age. I also see bands he doesn't like with my friends. This particular band though, is of a genre he does like. We've had a weekend away to see them before & we had a really nice time; so yes, I would like to continue having a nice time with my husband, doing stuff he likes & that I like. Again, it takes compromise. Turning into Ken Barlow, as a pp put it, is not making an effort or compromising in my opinion. He has no health or mobility issues, he gets on well with people but admittedly is quieter than me. We both need to make more of an effort for each other, we've agreed on that

OP posts:
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