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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

297 replies

kyiv · 09/04/2022 18:41

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 23:01

im 50 this year and sadly fuck off is what i think in my head the minute im approached by anybody most times and iv had a struggle not to say it as well a few times , and iv lost that struggle sometimes when iv been really really pushed , random people in general just irritate the bloody life out of me , its not an age thing iv been like it since my 20s , but its just got worse with age unfortuntaly

LavenderBrownWeasley · 09/04/2022 23:01

Yup, once I hit 40 the people pleaser in me disappeared! I like my small group of friends. I opt out of situations that may piss me off. I don't give a fig over what my mil says. And you know what? My little family and I are happier for it!

MsTSwift · 09/04/2022 23:09

Think that’s why the “be kind” message being message pushed at us isn’t really working for us women over 40. We’re really over that thanks.

Bentoforthehorde · 09/04/2022 23:15

This is exactly what I needed to read today.
It has been a shit week.
And I do love the assumptions made about sweary people. I am a dresses and cardigans, home baking, knitting, sewing, arts and craftsy, gardening, cheerful, Mother of 4. But I could have written your post. Times are shit right now it seems.

sleepygal · 09/04/2022 23:16

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.

Why the fuck should OP make a coffee for someone else? She's not hosting. I'd have wanted to tell the the CF to fuck off as well but would probably have said yes.... And not made the coffee 😊

Palloom · 09/04/2022 23:16

I personally think that most men don't give a fuck about anyone, they don't care how their demeanour is perceived and just say what they like. They get away with it because it is more or less accepted as a "male" attitude. (I said most, not all, before a pile on).

Women on the other hand are expected to be kind, caring, doormats. Nothing else will do.

I am heartily sick of it. Look around you at work for example.....

user1471554720 · 09/04/2022 23:18

kyiv
Did you mention to your siblings how you felt? If it was ne, I would have cut them off. In fact I would have shared inspirational quotes with them beforehand eg 'when the chips are down you know who will be there for you'. Passive agressive maybe. Hope they didn't ask you for more favours since. If they did,
remind them of how you coped when you had no one, and they must cope too.

For me, this came young. I had no car and had to get a bus to an industrial estate for work 5 days a week. It was a long commute on a bus and awkward. I have asthma and walking to the bus played havoc with my breathing each morning. I had to sit on the bus with an inhaler gasping for breath. A neighbour who was 3 years older had a car and would leave at the same time I was walking for the bus. 7am. She never offered a lift even though I would love to contribute to petrol and have a regular lift. This continued until I saved up to buy my own car. Since then I never offer lifts. If I have to I will drive a person once but I have an excuse prepared for the second time. I will change my routine to avoid giving a lift. I even blanked an acquaintance who was a cf I would not talk and stared through them.

EndaDay · 09/04/2022 23:19

@user1471538283

I used to be patient, tolerant, kind and forgiving. Not no more.

After suffering insufferable people particularly for the last few years I'm at the end of it. I will support mine to the ends of the earth but the rest, nah.

No taking in parcels, not considering anyone else where I park, no favours that are never returned, not putting someone before my own interests.

What a world! The more people who adopt this attitude, the more miserable and harsh society will become.
FOJN · 09/04/2022 23:23

What a world! The more people who adopt this attitude, the more miserable and harsh society will become.

You may have a point but it's the demand that women (because it nearly always is) take responsibility for making sure society is happy and gentle we're saying fuck off to.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 09/04/2022 23:24

Yes you do sound pretty mean spirited.

Scarybutnecassary · 09/04/2022 23:26

Well I am glad I don’t know any of you …I do generally take the view that it’s just as easy to be kind as to be stroppy and antagonist. Generally you feel happier about yourself and other people 🤷‍♀️

Comtesse · 09/04/2022 23:32

I like the Lily Allen F You song quite a lot as well. Time for a reset OP. Don’t get mad, need to say NOPE more often.

Kite22 · 09/04/2022 23:39

@Scarybutnecassary

Well I am glad I don’t know any of you …I do generally take the view that it’s just as easy to be kind as to be stroppy and antagonist. Generally you feel happier about yourself and other people 🤷‍♀️
Absolutely.

Why the fuck should OP make a coffee for someone else? She's not hosting

Because she was getting a coffee anyway, and it wasn't putting her out at all ?
Because it is a normal thing to do?
Because it makes more sense for some people to go to where the coffee is than twice as many crowding round?
Because, if she wants another one a bit later, she can sit there and the other person can get one for them both?
Because it is a nice thing to be kind to people in life. There are mental health studies that show the happiest people in life are people who give to other people in some ways?

RantyAunty · 09/04/2022 23:40

When I found out that nothing bad happens when I tell people No, I started saying it a lot more.

I still need to work on moaners.
Being in different time zones, I often will get it either first thing in the morning or right before I'm going to bed.

To wake up to a sibling texting me hysterical about something and it almost always is a non event or moaning about her fw DH.

Then they ask me for advice about something, say a new computer. The need it right now. And I spend time looking up the best deals for what they are looking for and then they don't buy one at all.

Or the cousin who complains about needing new glasses and clothes but spends all her money on a hobby instead.

I believe the answer is to stop jumping to do research and say something like, "That must be a difficult situation, and I'm sure you'll figure it out."
That'd be better than listening to the constant moaning and giving them advice they asked for that they don't listen to anyway.

So Fuck Off!

EmmaH2022 · 09/04/2022 23:40

OP great song!

I am astonished that someone you've not seen for 20+ years would just ask you to make their coffee.

dubyalass · 09/04/2022 23:40

My friends are a bit Confused that I have shed a couple of other friends over the past year or two. The reason being that the scales fell from my eyes because I realised that I was being used. My good friends don't do this - we look out for each other, I genuinely look forward to seeing them. But the ones I cut contact with - no regrets. No feeling of dread at the thought of spending time with them, wondering if they were going to be difficult or rude, feeling put upon or wishing I was doing something/anything else. No silently telling them to fuck off any more.

My immediate family take the piss at times too, but I tolerate it in the main because they are mostly generous and kind. I have started to assert myself more with them though, which has been difficult - hard to change the habits of a lifetime on both sides.

I have a friend who is very good at saying "no thanks". She doesn't offer an explanation or an apology. Just a straight "no thanks". I found it a bit brusque at first but now I like it, I immediately know where I stand. No timewasting. It also means that when she says yes, I know she's really keen.

AntarcticOwl · 09/04/2022 23:44

Unless you are hosting you have every right to turn down some random who gave you a coffee order! It's adding to your passive aggressiveness

WirlyWillowtree · 09/04/2022 23:45

Watch the Sarah Knight YouTube video of the Life Changing Magic of not giving a F@*k.

Possibly not on the right track and if not I apologise but it might give you a laugh.

My friend and I often message each other on how we are spending wisely.

Frazzled2207 · 09/04/2022 23:52

Yanbu at all

On a slight tangeant we have just moved and the house next doors they have matching number plates on 3 cars. The last three letters on each are FFS. Can’t decide if it’s awful or genius. Very respectable people.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 09/04/2022 23:54

This is a sign you need to say no more

FangsForTheMemory · 09/04/2022 23:55

I asked someone at work to take something with her for me when she went downstairs and she said she was too busy. She was going that way anyway. It’ll be a cold day in hell when I do her a favour.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/04/2022 23:56

I'm nearly 44 and all of the fluffy nurturing 'be kind' hormones have definitely left the building, I'm becoming more and more assertive and enjoying it.

@ZaraSizeMedium, are you me?

I don’t know - or care - whether it’s my age, the perimenopause, some effect from Covid or a tolerance level having been reached but I definitely have fewer fucks to give these days. And anyone who wants to tell me to “beeee kiiiiiind, it’s just as easy/quick/socially acceptable” or that I’m being angry, well they can fuck right off too.

CompassPoint · 09/04/2022 23:58

If we (collectively, as a society) stopped people pleasing and enabling the cheeky fucker users in life, it would be a much nicer world.

The users would have to pull their own weight and stop leeching time and resources from others. That would leave more time to support and help those who genuinely need it, plus more will and desire to do so when we weren't being drained by the CFs.

d

Kite22 · 09/04/2022 23:58

Unless you are hosting you have every right to turn down some random who gave you a coffee order!

Of course you do, but what I can't understand is why you would want to. You are making one anyone. I'm assuming from the description that there is a table with kettle and mugs and spoons and coffee and milk there in front of you, which you are using. The OP isn't sitting there and then being asked to go and do a job for someone, she is, already, making a coffee. I genuinely can't understand why, in that scenario, you wouldn't just also put some coffee in a 2nd mug.
It's nothing to do with 'setting boundaries' or 'being put upon' and everything to do with normal interaction on a normal day.

RobynNora · 09/04/2022 23:58

@Kite22

YABVU.

I suspect the thread title has attracted people who think like this rather than a cross section of society.

I agree with everything @HardbackWriter said.

Yeah. I used to feel like you
You won't one day

Is an odd reply. How do you know how old Hardbackwriter is ?
I can tell you for a fact I am quite a lot older than you, but I don't feel like you.
What a sad, miserable way to go through life.

I generally go through life with the aim of treating everyone in the way I would like to be treated myself.

Your blood pressure must be sky high being that angry with life all the time. Nothing you described at the party ought to have led to any anger. Confused

I don't believe you @kite22! Because that's a pretty mean response for someone who claims to be nice and not like the angry women with high blood pressure!

OP - your post made me chuckle. I don't think you sound sad or miserable fwiw, just really burned out. How about doing some more nice things for yourself?