To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

Additionally, if you are taught, as a woman, to say NO from a young age, you do spend much less time being angry and mentally telling people to fuck off as you get older.

You don't need to. I'm exceedingly calm at 50.

@kyiv I genuinely think in light of the Facebook post you saw stating that your relative actively did not want to help you, you WOULD be unreasonable NOT to have told them to FOTTOSOFAWTGTKOFO! (How fucking dare they???) *It’s probably not too late!

Nothing to add, but saving this thread!

@Luredbyapomegranate

MUCH sympathy.

But sympathy isn’t what you need, you need a kick up the arse - to do a bit of thinking and reading on how to set your boundaries. Stock phrases to say no or buy time, ways to look in advance at your week to know how much you can do. Very importantly - ways to ask for help if you need it. Was it really that no one would help when you needed it or did you just not know how to clearly ask?

Once you’ve got the basics above, you might want to think more deeply about what you want out of life. Do you really want to be at coffee mornings doing chit chat with randoms, is the pay off enough?

Do some reading and if you need help from a therapist or coach get it. I am all for ADs to help get out of a slump, but you aren’t in a slump you are in a rage so don’t think they will help.

Brutally if you feel like this this time next year it will be your (fucking) fault. (Said with love).

Do get it sorted. The level of anger you are experiencing is irrational as you know. It’s not a nice way to live and will burn you out.

I love this

So many of these posts resonate with me.

I don’t know if it was a full moon last week but the idiots were out in full force; one person didn’t pick up a call I was trying to put through as he assumed I was dialling the wrong internal number.

Lots of ‘where is so and so, are they in a meeting, lunch, etc’? I don’t fucking know, I don’t track everyone nor is it my job to do so!

‘Can you just print a load of forms for me?’ Again, totally unrelated to my job so no, I won’t.

I am sick and tired of being the ‘reliable’ one, my own fault, I know as I was such a people pleaser but not anymore. I am starting to refuse to enable people now and feel better for it.

I work with a lovely (mainly) bunch of people and it was our staff party on Friday. I went, was pleasant but left as soon as it was polite to do so. I know comments will be made on Monday but after a shitty week, I was ‘peopled-out’ and just wanted to be home.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life.

A rambling post, I know, but I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Thank you @kyiv for the fabulous thread you have started and I feel better that I am not alone in feeling like this.

Me too OP. Fuck off and piss off are my two default positions now.

I CBA with people any more. Luckily we live really remote in the middle of nowhere but knowing my luck, aliens would land in the meadow and I would have to tell them to fuck off too.

I’m 57 I’ve gone through the fuck off stage, and now I just say no I don’t want to if anyone asks me to do something I don’t want to do. I will help someone if they really need it but after years of running about for people it’s very liberating to just say no. It took a while for people to get used to my honest approach but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. 😁

Every time I see a little girls top with the words 'be kind' on it I want to scream FUCK OFF at the top of my voice. Stop telling little girls how to be. I want to get a sharpie marker, scribble it out and write 'Be Kind but not to cheeky fuckers' or 'Be assertive', and also 'Fuck off and make your own drink' on it but I'm too bloody nice so just tut and send an email to the shop. 'Be kind' rubs me up the wrong way and especially now as I know that my own later in life flourishing into an advocate of the 'Fuck Off Mantra' is because I was always taught to be a mug/doormat etc. It's ok to be kind but there are limits!!!

I actually realised how much I say it in my head the other day when a colleague who is really laid back and never gets upset was upset and I said the work issue must be bad for them to get angry. I realised every day someone upsets me although probably minor and I tell them in my head to f off too. Memopause too.

@Luredbyapomegranate good post.

OP, do not underestimate the weight of tge anger you carry, justifiable though it may be.

Anger if often a disguise for depression.

Definitely get it out on here, but you really need to mind yourself.

Burn out is a definite possibility for you if you don't.

I'm so sorry life is so hard for you.

@Neveranynamesleft
@grapewines
Have you read the OP’s full thread? She’s been through traumatic experiences, shat on left right and centre by those who were supposed to be closest to her, and now doesn’t want to answer her own phone even when she has no idea who’s calling?
Therapy would help make sense of her experiences as well as enable her to tell the people who need to be told to fuck off, to actually fuck off. Plus set some boundaries and build self esteem. I’m all for strong women asserting ourselves - but this doesn’t sound like it to me.

You don't have to "be kind"/be a people pleaser.

But spending every day in a state of rage against the world is not the alternative.

The alternative is to say "no". Some cf asks you to make her a coffee. You say, "no." Someone calls when you don't want to talk. You don't answer. You don't stew in bitterness and resentment. You just calmly and clearly assert your boundaries.

And you can tell people to fuck off, too. That's fine. That would have been a fair response to the person asking you for a coffee, imo.

But saying yes to things you don't want to do, and then burning with rage and resentment is the worst of all possible worlds.

Agree with the pp who said anger is often a cover for depression. Depression is often anger turned against the self. I don't think they are such different things. I do think you probably need some help with your mental health, OP.

@CompassPoint

It also very quickly sorts out the true friends from the chancers. My real friends say I have become much happier and more confident since having DC. The CFs say I have become a "hard, rude woman, and not very feminine"

This certainly rings a bell!

Also for whoever mentioned the Fuck off song. I learn something new in MN every day! I've just listened to it and was initially rather shocked at the language - then collapsed with laughter. It certainly resonates with parts of my life. 🌹

@Zoom101

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life.

So very true and I've applied this, politely but firmly, throughout my life whenever it's looked like someone was trying it on. It does confuse people when they first come across that thinking though. 🌹

Coffee woman comes over as supercilious, tactical and patronising.
Develop selective hearing; don’t hear the bitch or any other CF but maintain eye contact and a broad smile.
As my GM advised: never give a sucker an even break.

[quote Newestname002]@Zoom101

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life.

So very true and I've applied this, politely but firmly, throughout my life whenever it's looked like someone was trying it on. It does confuse people when they first come across that thinking though. 🌹[/quote]
They are eating for life by manipulating others into feeding them: that is their skill and way to assert status.

@meloncolic

Oh gosh the fuck you song! IS SHE IN ALL OF OUR HEADS?!

And I felt a particular fuck off to all the radio stations refusing to play her when she was number one for weeks because she’s obviously not a massive star from a huge label so er… let’s have Ed sheeran with shivers, a song you’ll all have never have heard for weeks on end on repeat! Next up: Adele!

GET THE FUCK OFF SINGING LADY BACK ON THE PLAYLIST.

Please tell me which song this is, because I would love to listen to it.

What a world! The more people who adopt this attitude, the more miserable and harsh society will become

And this is womens problem how?

Off you pop to reddit, all the football forums and pistonheads, get telling all the menz to be nice. Would love to see how that goes down.

Stop. You need to stop. You don't owe anyone your love,attention,time,help etc.

Just stop. What will happen? Will the world end? Will anyone die? Or it's just that some CF might get some hurty feelz? That's not a bad thing. Either they cotton on and change at least with you,or they're out of your life. Win,win.

You're allowed to prioritise yourself and say no. If they don't accept that,then fuck off works too.

The only good thing about mask wearing is the ability to say 'fuck off' to everyone without them hearing or lip reading.

Think I will need to be careful now that mask wearing is not mandatory

@uggmum

The only good thing about mask wearing is the ability to say 'fuck off' to everyone without them hearing or lip reading.

Think I will need to be careful now that mask wearing is not mandatory

Definitely. I don't actually say it, but then again I don't have to. My face gives it all away.

I can be all "sir ,yes sir,it would be a pleasure sir,let me polish your boots too"(or whatever ) my face definitely says FTFOATFOSM.... and keep going. It's bad enough that people know I have a problem before I say anything or even realise it myself.

Glad I've found my tribe. I am saying this more and more in my head to my Mum, who has spent a week not talking to me after she put the phone down on me. She now has COVID so is talking to me again as she may require me to do something for her.

I said it in my head yesterday to the man indicating to turn into my drive who had come to view the house next door. I made him park down the road. For another viewing yesterday, a couple walked up the drive saying what a nice shared drive it was. I smiled sweetly and pointed out it was mine, and next door only had a right of way over it. The estate agent should have told them that.

Not everything is a fuck off, it's just that most things are and I find people in "a bit of a pickle" to be the most annoying fucking chancers ever. I just took my DD into town, picked up her friend along the way. That was an eye roll fuck off before it even happened because last thing last night I got a message through DD that friends mum had asked if I could pick friend up instead of them meeting in town. It's not strictly out of my way but I do have other things to do!

The dad ran over to the car to tell the friend to keep her phone on, so that wasn't a fuck off situation, that was fairly sensible. But then the mum shouted out to ask me when I was picking them up because her kid needs to be back for 3. I'm not picking them up! I'm picking DD up at 2:30 as prearranged and going to the optician. So that was a fuck off moment. This mum IS a person who has taken the piss before. Think last minute realising she's in another county when she's meant to be collecting her child. So I said, very bluntly "I wasn't asked for a return trip. I'm picking DD up at half 2 and then we're going to the opticians." And she said "I don't suppose you'd be able to pop friend back first? I'm in a bit of pickle otherwise."

They're both there!! They're both there, both cars parked on their driveway. They can do it! So I just said "No, I can't." She looked at me like I'd farted in her face or something. Just like she couldn't quite believe it and was embarrassed and angry.

Now ladies your anger at being taken advantage of is making people uncomfortable and fearful for the future of society. Angry women are most unnatural so you're probably depressed, you should see someone about getting those negative emotions medicated so we can all return to the status quo of women being kind and crapped on from a great height without complaint.

This shit can FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF.

@kyiv

Not everything is a fuck off, it's just that most things are and I find people in "a bit of a pickle" to be the most annoying fucking chancers ever. I just took my DD into town, picked up her friend along the way. That was an eye roll fuck off before it even happened because last thing last night I got a message through DD that friends mum had asked if I could pick friend up instead of them meeting in town. It's not strictly out of my way but I do have other things to do!

The dad ran over to the car to tell the friend to keep her phone on, so that wasn't a fuck off situation, that was fairly sensible. But then the mum shouted out to ask me when I was picking them up because her kid needs to be back for 3. I'm not picking them up! I'm picking DD up at 2:30 as prearranged and going to the optician. So that was a fuck off moment. This mum IS a person who has taken the piss before. Think last minute realising she's in another county when she's meant to be collecting her child. So I said, very bluntly "I wasn't asked for a return trip. I'm picking DD up at half 2 and then we're going to the opticians." And she said "I don't suppose you'd be able to pop friend back first? I'm in a bit of pickle otherwise."

They're both there!! They're both there, both cars parked on their driveway. They can do it! So I just said "No, I can't." She looked at me like I'd farted in her face or something. Just like she couldn't quite believe it and was embarrassed and angry.

There you go OP. Baby steps. Practice your no's and excuses. If they don't like it, tough titties. Their reaction is not your problem or responsibility. That's when the fuck it,rather than fuck off kicks in.