To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

That Fuck You song is mint. I mean it's actually my spirit animal. I'm so happy that a young woman has come along and musicalised this feeling and also monetised it. I am 50 so am far from her target market but Jesus Christ it speaks to me. And to every put upon woman I'll bet.

OP yanbu. We need more of this not less. Every fucking half assed man who doesn't know what he's doing at weekends, isn't sure about nappies, maybe thinks it's awkward to clarify coffee orders so leave it to a woman ... fuck you and that shit you call art.

And actually unlike the song fuck your dog as well. Fucking man child, having a pet doesn't excuse you from needing to be a fucking grown up and dogs are pretty bad in environmental/societal terms so fuck the both of you.

There, that feels better.

I think that having strong boundaries and not being the one who always ends up helping/serving/sorting out isn’t a bad thing.

But thinking f**off before even knowing who rings?
Or what the school had to say?
Or doing a bit of small talk with people at a party?
That’s being anti social and taking to far.

You might need to find a middle ground tbh.

YANBU. I've renamed certain people at work. There's FOB, FOD, FOM etc. aka Fuck Off Barry, Fuck Off Dave, Fuck Off Marie (none of those are their real names).

My tolerance levels are at an all time low.

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.

I agree, I think OP thinks she sounds empowered, but she actually sounds miserable.

When I was pregnant with DC1 I started being much more assertive and more to the point, I didn't want my DC growing up watching me being a doormat and them thinking you had to perpetually agree to things you didn't want to do just to be "nice" or polite or kind. Fuck that.

So "Oh Compass, could you grab me a coffee while you're there?" "No, sorry you'll have to get your own"

I also try to never explain, you don't owe CFs an explanation of why you won't pander to their whims.
It also very quickly sorts out the true friends from the chancers. My real friends say I have become much happier and more confident since having DC. The CFs say I have become a "hard, rude woman, and not very feminine"

No, I don’t really relate to much of that.

I understand it when you feel taken advantage of by others, but the couple making conversation at a kids’ party - and complimenting you?

Let it out.
Fuck the fuck off.
The coffee lady was a C.F and followed up by sweetie was equally annoying.
Honestly you'll feel better taking control, no more NDN.
You're busy.
I don't mind helping those who appreciate the help but I won't put up with bull either.
People mistake kindness for weakness.

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.

Yeah. I used to feel like you.

You won't one day.

No not really normal. Could you be depressed? I remember when I'd had a really hard year my mood went for optimistic and happy to really not liking anyone (or anything) very much and people really irritating me. I spoke to my doctor who wanted me to take antidepressants and talking therapy. I never ended up taking the tablets but the talking therapy really helped. I can honestly say I'm more like my old self.

YANBU

I have also reached the "FUCK THEM ALL" age. My children are the only exception, they can treat me like dirt and I will still do everything I can for them.

@TheNameOfTheRoses

I think that having strong boundaries and not being the one who always ends up helping/serving/sorting out isn’t a bad thing.

But thinking f**off before even knowing who rings?
Or what the school had to say?
Or doing a bit of small talk with people at a party?
That’s being anti social and taking to far.

You might need to find a middle ground tbh.

I could go into why I think Fuck Off even harder when I see it's one of my kids schools, but you'd have to find my other thread for that.

Oh god I think ‘oh fuck off’ with a lot of things and people these days. I’m 46 and have less and less tolerance as I age.

I'm the same.
People took to much advantage of my people pleasing. Nowadays if they come to me for help it's rare I will help as whenever I need help or support I get zilch! Friendship works both ways not just one way.

I don't mind helping those who appreciate the help but I won't put up with bull either.
People mistake kindness for weakness.

Exactly this. There will always be someone posting a "don't you sound lovely" type comment too, which always bemuses me as surely it is obvious that being "lovely" is not the aim? I don't want to be "lovely" or "nice" I want to live my life in peace, without people taking the piss.

I'm 38 too and far too nice at times. I get a bit fuck you about life because I don't have time for this shit. Between my job which has got a lot more stressful and the constant juggling with kids/ expectations I don't have a lot left over to give to anyone else. Every time to phone rings it normally bad news - child is sick or someone calling in sick to work.

I take it as a sign need a break and to keep my boundaries with others

@Silverclocks, if I thought I sounded empowered, I wouldn't have even asked if IABU. I wouldn't have cared. I'd have told Nicola Fucking Queen Bee from my school to make her own bastard coffee instead of wordlessly doing it with bitterness. Hoped to find some like minded people so I didn't feel like an habitually moody bitch. Seems we're in the majority. I think it'll be more empowering when I actually DO tell people to fuck off

@Glamping1234

No not really normal. Could you be depressed? I remember when I'd had a really hard year my mood went for optimistic and happy to really not liking anyone (or anything) very much and people really irritating me. I spoke to my doctor who wanted me to take antidepressants and talking therapy. I never ended up taking the tablets but the talking therapy really helped. I can honestly say I'm more like my old self.

She's not depressed. She is sick of cheeky fuckers fucking her off time and time and time again. Best talking therapy is using the words FUCK OFF in my opinion but everyone's different I suppose.

@Glamping1234

No not really normal. Could you be depressed? I remember when I'd had a really hard year my mood went for optimistic and happy to really not liking anyone (or anything) very much and people really irritating me. I spoke to my doctor who wanted me to take antidepressants and talking therapy. I never ended up taking the tablets but the talking therapy really helped. I can honestly say I'm more like my old self.

Fair point. After the last two years (not pandemic related but I bet it didn't help) I wouldn't be too surprised. I took antidepressants in my late teens after a sudden family death and ended up with a terrible reaction to them so I am loathe to see a doctor and be told I need them.

But honestly on the depression thing, I KNOW I will feel better if I just stop taking on so much emotional Labour for people who are too lazy to shoulder their own shit

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Ive started being very transactional. I'll do anyone a favour once, but nothing more until that favour is returned.

I operate like this too. Not on a strict 1 for 1 basis, but I am definitely more aware of the people who are give and take in relationships and those who are just takers. I think it is a good thing to be aware of.

I don't think you sound U or 'bitter and resentful ' at all OP.

I think you sound like many 40/50 yo women who have spent a lifetime as people pleasers. I'm exactly the same. Spent my entire adult life (late 40s now) making others happy/running around after people I don't even care about just to be 'nice' and make others happy.

I'm now exhausted and completely fucked off at all these people who never sent offers back my way during hard times; weren't there during horrific loss of money during lockdowns (emotionally, not to give material things); never ask if I'd like help with anything.

I think we're seen as the ones who are fine doing it alone. We're strong, we're the helpers.. plaster a smile on your face and get on with life

No, FUCK OFF I mutter to myself never to them, obviouslyI'm far too 'nice and kind' for that

If you're like me it's a double whammy, because we're also the ones who wouldn't expect others to run around after us so never ask.

I think the ones who don't get it and are telling you it's not hard to pour someone a cup of tea are the ones who are taking advantage of our types, and are living in happily oblivion regarding the drain they put on others

There is a difference between getting annoyed at "cheeky fuckers" and people who simply ask you to grab a cup of coffee or the post man to take a parcel in! It sounds exhausting to be this annoyed all the time.

I found that as I was in my late 30's to early 40's my tolerance to 'suffer fools gladly' diminished....rapidly!

Be that people who would phone me up at work asking really (and I mean really dim questions) to people in shops who would cut-in in the queue in front of me and used to just let it go. Well not any more. I'd tap them on their shoulder and ask them why they thought that their time was more valuable than anyone elses?

I found my voice. I'm not afraid to use it!

I understand it when you feel taken advantage of by others, but the couple making conversation at a kids’ party - and complimenting you?

I think when you are exhausted and overwhelmed by how much other people take without giving you can develope a siege mentality, you anticipate everyone you interact with wanting something and even things which should be enjoyable demand energy you just don't have so you end up thinking fuck off and leave me alone.

People sharing relatable experiences here are encouraging the OP to assert herself and say no to people so that fuck off isn't the automatic mental response.

I'm exactly the same! I'm older than you and have noticed in last 5 years that I have found ways to say NO without adding in a 'sorry'. It's so liberating. The last time someone who I find quite selfish asked me for something I simply said, 'I can't this time'. So so liberating. I did go full 'Fuck off' with a person who hurt me in the past and it ensured they never darken my door again.