To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

I think this just happens as we get older, remember when we was young and 70 and 80 year olds would just be like fuck off or something else rude… I think you go from
In your head to out loud the older you get not giving a shit

100% absolutely yes. I turned 50 last year and my internal monologue is a constant stream of fuck offs. I'm a people pleaser and will do anything for people I like but am over bending over backwards for arseholes. The turning 50 thing is only relevant because I just think it took that long to have the courage to even think fuck off. And I'd had 50 years of people taking the piss as you say.

@Branleuse

Although God, your family do sound like dicks refusing to help you when you desperatly needed them. I definitely wouldnt be helping out those fuckers again.no wonder youre feeling fucked off with the world

Well, maybe they just thought 'oh fuck off'? Maybe they'd already decided that they wouldn't put themselves out for anyone else in any way? Maybe they thought they'd spent too long doing favours for other people and now they were done? I personally think that's a pretty reprehensible attitude but most of the posters on the thread seem to think it's inspirational...

I got really, really ill fifteen years ago, with a very young baby to care for. The agony I endured just getting through the day left me absolutely zero room for giving an inch to users or even tiny chancers. It taught me the value of the firm No. I am now post menopausal and still grateful for that lesson. I no longer say yes when I mean no. It's a muscle, once you practice saying no and not offering a reason or justification, it becomes second nature and fuck is it liberating!

I personally think that's a pretty reprehensible attitude but most of the posters on the thread seem to think it's inspirational...

Spot the cheeky fucker

Tbh I think just care about husband,children and your own immediate family end of and of course your dog 😃

@HardbackWriter

Then it's a lifelong commitment they made many years ago, because I never ask, never take and always give everything. It's an unfortunate dynamic that I've probably allowed for far too long. My siblings were brought up by one of our parents and I by the other. We had very different upbringings. They're quite selfish and I feel/felt huge amounts of shame and guilt at not putting myself out for people in need of assistance. They have taken the piss out of that. They, my parents, some friends. They know I'll do it because I always come through for them. So for any of them to think "fuck helping Kyiv"- that just makes me feel even more spiky toward them because if give and take should be balanced, they all owe me years worth of favours and I've only ever asked about three times in my life.

My mother always said that the strongest word you could ever say is no.
So I've spent my life happily saying no to anything I don't want to do.
I don't explain why I'm saying no, I just say no and walk away.
I wish more women would use the strongest word of any language. NO.

Ha ha!

Yes, I was at an event a couple of days ago and had a very similar experience to your cup of tea request. I just laughed at the person (and did nothing).

I too spent many years going over and above for people and it dawned on me that no one does the same for me.

I only help people I really want to help these days. I don't overthink it. I don't get angry. I just don't do things for cheeky beakies. It's a great feeling.

But we all must know those nails men and women that are robustly capable, kind and gracious whatever shit is going on.
My friend had cancer but was still concerned that everyone had a drink or something to eat despite barely being able to talk themselves.

I mean I’m with you Op. I’m a “fuck off” shouter to my friends and family that insist on phoning before I’m up at the weekends ( 8.00am) or at 5.30 pm when I’m doing supper.
I do say 8.00pm is too early but they say “ you’re always awake” Yes because I have to be out the fucking door at 6.00am all week and therefore waking up but having no agenda is brilliant. The 8.00am phone call is more fucking routine,just stop.

Honestly, same. And every time I have to not say fuck off, and instead say ‘sure’ or ‘good idea’ or ‘yeah that’s a good point’ my blood… boils.

I think it’s overwhelm. Shouldering too much, too many small things, for too many people. Too many demands on me and my brain and my time.

Sometimes I sing ‘fuck you’ by Lily Allen in my head, it’s helpful.

This is definitely me, really feeling it lately. I don't want to inconvenience myself for anyone who wouldn't do the same for me or my family. Just want to enjoy life and not be bothered by anyone

I don't know really, your family sound awful so I can certainly see why you feel that level of hostility to people but I think to a certain extent you get what you expect! Do you want to perceive every interaction negatively? If you are happy fine but personally I would find this really dull. In fact I'm annoyed with myself for not making more of an effort with a certain social group of a mixture of good friends the rest acquaintances as I have missed out again (due to my social laziness) on a fairly intimate 40th get together of one of the acquaintances. More and more I am seeking that interaction in my 40s not repelling it. I realised how in my 30s I was quite negative, warn out with dc and just didn't nurture really good friendships so people inevitably drift and I viewed many people with that negative lens.

I'm not a people pleaser but I've bitten my tongue a lot over the years. It's liberating not to. I don't go round actually telling people to 'fuck off' but I won't do anything I don't want to and certainly won't explain myself. I also won't tolerate rudeness or bullshit from anyone and will call it out.

Yeah, this.

Your family sound absolutely awful. I can’t imagine not helping a neighbour whose child was undergoing emergency surgery, let alone a sibling.

That said, obviously many people on this thread have adopted the same approach to life.

lol well done for sharing this ‘out loud’ so to speak! Now fuck off!

My favourite example is DH looking for something. He opens the cupboard and then tells me he can't find whatever it is. I used to get up and look for the missing item. Now I just sit there and tell him to move things for himself.

Hahaha I read the OP post and my first thought was “fuck off whinge bag” 🤣 I am totally understanding where you are coming from. I hate everyone right now too.

I think some posters are missing the point; if you spend years being taken advantage of by people who weaponise female socialisation against you, think nothing of resorting to emotional blackmail to get what they want from you or simply have an attitude of entitlement which assumes you will always put their needs before your own you will eventually become very angry and resentful and want them to all fuck off.

Learning the power of no is empowering and liberating, it frees you from anger and resentment and gives you agency. It is not a life of misery and bitterness, it's one of healthy boundaries and a sense of self worth. Ultimately it's about learning to take responsibility for yourself and rejecting other peoples demands for you to take responsibility for them too. It does not mean never being helpful or accomodating, it means freedom from the daily grind of doing that at your own expense.

Since having DS in 2015 I felt all my “niceness” drain away. It was as though I used all my niceness and love on him

I hear you!

Fuck off, fuck that, oh fuck no... run through my head or out of my mouth on an hourly basis.

I have learned boundaries in the last few years, having a life limiting illness focuses the mind.

Do I WANT to do a thing?
Will it please or amuse me to do a thing?
Am I being paid a sufficient hourly rate for doing a thing?
Will the person I do the thing for appreciate it sufficiently?

These questions guide my response now.

So when my sister calls, from her car with the hands free phone, because she is bored and she wants ME to google something irrelevant because I am probably sat in front of a computer... Fuck no. She has voice activated google, she could do that. SHe has voice notes, she could make a note and google it later.

On the other hand, my elderly irascible fucker of a father is losing his marbles and leads a v limited life. Today I have spent 30 quid and gone to some ridic lengths to fake a 'misdelivered parcel' so that he has something exciting to open, that he thinks is not for him so that he can pick through a box of mystery (japanese) snacks and be delighted at having got something for free/got something that isn't his/has 'won' in some way. He'll never know it was me, I couldn't give a fuck because he will be filled with the joys only a grumpy old bastard knows and that'll do.

At work today, half my requests where to google shit they could have found out much more easily by googling themselves instead of opening an app, selecting the option that finds me, asking ME, waiting for me to respond and then waiting for me to google it and telling them the answer.

But fine, I am paid £10 an hour for that shit so thats ok with me! I still said 'oh fuck off, google it' to the PC screen of course..

No longer do I um and ahh about requests for work for no remuneration - want my work, here's the price, if you don't like it toodleoo mother fucker find someone else.

I used to wibble and worry about this stuff endlessly, worry about upsetting folk, worry folk thought i was greedy or cheeky.

I just don't care. If I don't want to, I won't.

Don’t fight the urge to say no, say no.
Resentment is your “ thermometer” to tell you if you should be doing it. Listen to it, if it’s going to put you into resentment SAY NO.

[quote kyiv]@HardbackWriter

Then it's a lifelong commitment they made many years ago, because I never ask, never take and always give everything. It's an unfortunate dynamic that I've probably allowed for far too long. My siblings were brought up by one of our parents and I by the other. We had very different upbringings. They're quite selfish and I feel/felt huge amounts of shame and guilt at not putting myself out for people in need of assistance. They have taken the piss out of that. They, my parents, some friends. They know I'll do it because I always come through for them. So for any of them to think "fuck helping Kyiv"- that just makes me feel even more spiky toward them because if give and take should be balanced, they all owe me years worth of favours and I've only ever asked about three times in my life. [/quote]
Op
What you are describing is codependency.
While you feel anger that you are always putting yourself out, its actually part of a dynamic created in toxic families.
Look up Karpman.
Roles are Persecutor,Victim, Rescuer.
Your designated role and the one you fulfill here is of Rescuer.
Probably most of the things that you do, they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, its unhealthy for you and them to be pandering in this way-its very toxic.
I know everyone thinks its funny that you are FO at everything but it sounds like you are burnt out and really need to sort this out via therapy.

I am unbelieveably irritated I cannot edit that typo from where to were!!!

I say "Fuck off" in the house, most of the day. Last night, husband had gone out for a couple of pints so I had the house to myself for a bit. Friend 1 kept texting, even though I'd seen her in the afternoon for 3 hours. I replied and told her I was enjoying some time alone. I just thought "Oh fuck off, for fuck's sake". Cat was whining and meowing, although he'd got food, drink, heating on. I told him to "Fuck off and shut your fucking yap" - he's deaf so it didn't bother him. Friend 2 also kept texting, telling me what she'd had for her dinner (I don't fucking care) even though I was seeing her today. I was trying to fold up a massive pile of clean washing, dropped the pile and shouted "Fuck off" to it. I sometimes wish I could just FUCK OFF