To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

@Palloom

I personally think that most men don't give a fuck about anyone, they don't care how their demeanour is perceived and just say what they like. They get away with it because it is more or less accepted as a "male" attitude. (I said most, not all, before a pile on).

Women on the other hand are expected to be kind, caring, doormats. Nothing else will do.

I am heartily sick of it. Look around you at work for example.....

True. I spend most of my time with DH who really does not care what people think of him at all. He says what he wants to say at all times and has no filter - and people like him! I think I have spent all my life trying to be good and kind to people - strangers or not, volunteering my time and professional knowledge for nothing, and helping people out whenever they ask, even if it really puts me out. It doesn't make life any easier or nicer - in fact it makes people shit on you from a great height, so fuck that shit right off.

I also think some people are missing the point - as I'm sure is the case for most on this thread, I have endless time and patience to help those who really need it, but the users who don't pull their weight and would rather put upon others? They are who the fuck offs are for.

Naa fuck em, everybody but their dogs they can all fuck off. And I mean that sincerely.

I genuinely can't understand why, in that scenario, you wouldn't just also put some coffee in a 2nd mug.
It's nothing to do with 'setting boundaries' or 'being put upon' and everything to do with normal interaction on a normal day.

Well for one because its very rude and poor manners to ask if someone hasn't offered. For all she knew, OP could have hidden disabilities, or be in chronic pain and need to sit back down as quickly as possible.

I realise I am beating the hidden disabilities drum, I personally have a hidden disability which affects my hands, you would have no idea looking at me, but simple things using my hands like making a coffee hurt enormously. The lady in OPs example has no idea whether OP is the same.

@RobynNora What is mean about it ?

Oh, and I'm not claiming to be 'nice', just 'normal'.

Just saying thanks. The voice inside my head has been dying to have this conversation.

I suspect for the overwhelming majority of the population, the difference between making 1 cup and two would be minimal @CompassPoint , but if it were an issue, then I suspect the OP would have said. Also, at that point, the person for whom it would be physically difficult to make a coffee could turn to the other person and say, "oh, actually, I was wondering how I was going to manage. I have a medical condition that makes lifting a kettle difficult, but, if you are wanting one, that solves the issue, could you make me one please" and, in my world, the other person would say, "Of course", because in all the places I go in life, people don't bat an eyelid about doing something so tiny for even a complete stranger, let alone someone they are at a function with.

@Kite22 just struck me as a mean response to a woman who says she feels unsupported and that she has had a really hard couple of years.

She sounds totally burnt out. And also in her late 30s with kids so has hit the kind of age where women are often expected to give so much with cheery selflessness. But when you're burnt out you have nothing left to give and other people should be caring for you. OP said she hit a tough patch and nobody was there for her.

I find that sometimes people ask you to do them a favour to put you in your place. It has nothing to do with 'you were making coffee anyway', 'going that way anyway'. When you do that favour, they respect you less. This is just something I have encountered. Whenever I asked someone 'who was 'going that way anyway' to drop sonething off, I have been met with excuses, even though I would oblige others.

Because she was getting a coffee anyway, and it wasn't putting her out at all ?
Because it is a normal thing to do?
Because it makes more sense for some people to go to where the coffee is than twice as many crowding round?
Because, if she wants another one a bit later, she can sit there and the other person can get one for them both?
Because it is a nice thing to be kind to people in life. There are mental health studies that show the happiest people in life are people who give to other people in some ways?

@Kite22 and I bet there are loads of studies that show Queen Bee Hyper Bitches from secondary school grow into more entitled versions of their former self. Yeah, and I'm not sure why I should get a coffee for someone who couldn't even give me the time of day in school and deliberately made me feel as though I didn't belong and was ugly, pathetic and tragic all the time. In this world of Facebook and instant reconnections, if I've not spoken or connected with someone for two goddamn decades, there's a reason for that, don't you think?

I used to get excited when my phone rang, now I just roll my eyes and go “ffs what NOW?!??”

Its not just peri menopause, it’s being a parent, and years caring for elderly parents, plus suddenly realising I am being depended upon to just do this stuff, but with no recognition, they are all better off financially, or are more respected, and their rights to be in denial about their own mental decline is considered more important than my right to a peaceful life.

I swear if I would be happier if I could just sit around reading books all day and only speak to people when I want.

@Scarybutnecassary

Well I am glad I don’t know any of you …I do generally take the view that it’s just as easy to be kind as to be stroppy and antagonist. Generally you feel happier about yourself and other people 🤷‍♀️

no i couldnt , i dont feel particularly happy in myself at the moment and whilst i dont take that out on ppl by being deliberatly rude what it does meant is that im not taking any shit , none at all off anyone , irritate me with stupid questions , sarky remarks , try and take the mickey and they will feel the full force of my antagomism

For the few of you who are glad you don't know the overwhelming majority of us on this thread due to our terrible negativity, you have missed the following points-

1. This is an anonymous site. You've no idea if you know any of us.

2. You're free to fuck off

@Glamping1234

No not really normal. Could you be depressed? I remember when I'd had a really hard year my mood went for optimistic and happy to really not liking anyone (or anything) very much and people really irritating me. I spoke to my doctor who wanted me to take antidepressants and talking therapy. I never ended up taking the tablets but the talking therapy really helped. I can honestly say I'm more like my old self.

No, she's not depressed. She's just pissed off with everyone treating her like a doormat with their expectations, but never getting one single iota of help from others in return, even when she really needed it the most.

Get a book on Assertive Training. You get to enjoy telling people to politely F off, “ I’m sorry but I’m waiting for an important call “. Worth a try. You could try some Wellness reading. I know it sounds a bit wokery pokery but it’s interesting. My husband has a punch bag in the garage and anybody can smack the fuck out of that at any time. I try my best to keep the inner cynic at bay so I know how you feel.

@Kite22 why should I, or anyone, have to disclose a disability simply because another person lacks manners? I ever I need help, I ask politely, and do my utmost not to put upon anyone.
My point was that nobody should be needlessly putting upon others as you do not know what burden you are placing on them, regardless of it being abysmally poor manners to do so.

You are however missing the point - this is not about not helping when another person needs it, its about not being taken advantage of. Those are completely different, you are confusing the two.

Oh god I'm the same

Who says we have to be "nice"? We don't. People walk all over us all the time and treat us like doormats. The message we give girls and women is we have to say yes,be pliant good little people pleasers, never say no, always give in and do as asked.

Know what? Fuck that. Fuck it. If you want to tell people to punt themselves into a ditch OP? You go for it and happy may it make you. Seriously. If you can do so in a way that's not overtly spiteful, then go on you.

I haven't RTFT, just the OP, but, why the hell are you doing things for people like that?

I think you may have been used and abused somewhat throughout your life. No bugger would ever have dared speak to me like that, ever.

Because I would actually have told them to fuck off. From a very young age. Not just thought it whilst being dismissed. No-one has ever spoken to me like that.

Bugger off with your 'Be kind' nonsense.

I'm a very good person to know. I help people. I advocate. No-one would ever have accused me of being kind though.

Oh, and the cuppa question, I may offer.

It would be exceedingly unlikely that someone that hadn't seen me for years would ask and call me sweetie. So unlikely that I'd think brain injuries or illness were involved should it happen.

Yeah. I’m 100% the most bitter person ever underneath the surface haaaa

I think a combination of post lockdown zero tolerance of nonsense and age both explain my present attitude. A 'friend' I had know for several years (we started off as work colleagues and both moved on) emailed me out of the blue mid lockdown to inform me that she was job hunting and using me as referee. Not even how are you? How is your family? ..... NOTHING! I didn't even curse her - just ignored the email. I have never heard from her since!

I’m the same op

Nothing to do with peri menopause- other people are just fucking annoying,

The whole 'Peri has made me assertive' irks me a little. Menopause didn't change me a bit. I teach my daughter to assert herself, to say no. It's not encumbent upon women to be accommodating until their hormones instruct them otherwise.

We should be taught that from the very beginning.

If you want to 'be kind' you can always add a 'thank you' after the 'no'.