To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

Oh, I asked.
I cried. I pleaded. I begged. One situation is that I desperately needed someone to look after two of my children while the other had emergency surgery and my husband was out of the country and it would take him 11 hrs to get back. Yes there were plenty of people available. No, the fuck they did not want to bother themselves. I got a screenshot sent to me by accident from a sibling meant for another saying "Did you get this? I don't wanna do it, I'm not replying." Another is that we desperately needed painkillers when we all had covid and I was the worst by far. No fucker would take three to twenty minutes out of their day to make sure I, the person who does everything to help anyone, suffered less pain, or that my immediate family did. I even put out a plea on social media. A stranger on a local page posted lemsip through my door. Not my fucking family members or friends.

Well that is dire.

In which case I would add blocking the lot of them to your approaching things differently list.

But I do think you need to start doing things differently ASAP. You need boundaries. And probably no more coffee mornings.

So with the nut added about the way your family behaved towards you and your dcs, I can totally see the huge resentment you have.

And I actually think that fuck off is the right thing to tell them. Your siblings in particular.

And I agree with a PP to say that you need to learn how to say that, in a ‘nice way’. Not because you need to be nice but to not lower yourself at their level iyswim.
And it will help you holding your boundaries with other people too.

The issue for me is that you sound early really angry at everyone. I mean, would you really to say fuck off to the person who drop lempsi through your door? They didn’t know you but they still did it.
But the nager you have against your family is colouring everything and everyone. You are going to hurt yourself just because if that.
I’m wondering if you are nit angry at yourself too, for having accepted crap for too long, form too many people.

And to that, I’d say don’t be angry at yourself. As women we are conditioned to behave like that, to be nice, to be helpful. It’s hard to stop doing that when no one has ever taught you how to assert boundaries so you are not taken for a mug (Can you see that I’ve been there too?).
On the contrary, give to yourself the care you gave to others.

I’d also really consider finding a good psychotherapist. Because that’s the only way I found myself again under the anger.

I used to be patient, tolerant, kind and forgiving. Not no more.

After suffering insufferable people particularly for the last few years I'm at the end of it. I will support mine to the ends of the earth but the rest, nah.

No taking in parcels, not considering anyone else where I park, no favours that are never returned, not putting someone before my own interests.

It’s not the menopause necessarily because I had an early one and I’ve only recently started telling everyone to fuck off in my head.

Thing is, I’ve developed this lovely, sweet, smiley persona and now I feel like such a fraud. I guess I’m still genuinely nice to most people but it doesn’t take much for me to lose my temper and I really don’t care what anyone thinks of me. The most freeing thing is that I don’t need my life choices validating anymore.

I don't think the "fuck off" is indiscriminately applied to everyone, nor means that people are turning into psychopaths devoid of empathy for fellow humans. If someone breaks their ankle in front of me, I'll happily sit for 6 hours with them in the rain waiting for an ambulance, i chat to random people in shops when they want a chat. I check on friends and colleagues who are having a hard time. Basically, I'm not made of stone. I think those that can fuck off tend to be the ones who perceive me as being lower in whatever hierarchy they are working on, professional, social, whatever, therefore they feel they own my time, or my attention. Entitled, with a lack of gratitude or reciprocation. I am not here for your convenience.

Also, there is a saying about people being radiators or drains. A remarkable number of people are drains.

I had my fuck off everyone realisation a few years ago at a training session. Lots of small talk between sessions. The amount of people who just latched on to me as a younger female to then just talk about themself. Nah.

I love the song.

In theory, no, but it sounds very tiring to have this be your default setting.
You sound depressed. I think good therapy would help massively.

I totally understand that point FOJN but when I posted that you get what you expect (to a certain degree) is there not a chance you will view every interaction as exploitation of your female socialised self? The example of the people saying hello to the OP where they haven't seen each other for years, are they not just being polite, pleasant, it is not a burden on the OP but they are taking it to be one as their outlook is mistrusting and cynical. In a way a psychological burden has been created by the OP as that is what they are expecting.

Can we do a collective “doorstep bash” pans and just do a minute of ‘fuck off-ing “
This post has made my day.

I am not alone!

I can relate! I don’t have to think fuck off so much though as I have really cut back and cut out the things that annoy me! I am 40, work full time, have children with additional needs and just don’t feel I should have to care about other stuff so much. I only spend time with people I really want to and try to just do things I want to. I save my patience for my children!

The only thing I feel a bit bad about is that I used to volunteer a lot. Even in that situation you find people who take the piss and it grinds you down in the end. It’s hard to give out lots of energy and genuine care. I stopped because I felt a bit fake about it all.

I do often think “fuck off” at work. My line manager is such a time wasting fuss pot, he drives me crazy!

There is poetry in Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there, fuck the fuck off some more.

But yeah, when the work phone rings, that all takes too long. Oh fuck off is much quicker, and then you put your phone voice on and pick it up.

Actually though, it depends entirely on how happy and well I am on any given day and if I’m happy and feeling well, I’m still smiley and genuinely nice.

@BotterMon

YANBU. I've renamed certain people at work. There's FOB, FOD, FOM etc. aka Fuck Off Barry, Fuck Off Dave, Fuck Off Marie (none of those are their real names).

My tolerance levels are at an all time low.

So much this.

After recently missing out on a promotion to an ass kissing 21 year old with fuck all experience because apparently ‘her interview was just so amazing’ I’m over being the nice and reliable one.

@CrankyFrankie
OP does not sound depressed at all, far from it.
No one needs therapy just for sticking up for themselves.

@Ionlydomassiveones

Actually I think you, and all your fans on this thread, are being very unreasonable. You don’t need to be so ‘fuck offy’ in your head if you weren't such a pathetic people pleaser. If you had normal healthy boundaries you could live a happy life and not have to do anything you don’t want to do. You can put yourself first in an emotionally intelligent way without putting others down.

I'm OPs no 1 fan, honest.

But I never said I'm fuck off you/it/that in my head. I'm old and give no fucks. I say it out loud and to peoples face.

I'm also not angry for pp who mentioned living so angry and cancer risk.
I'm not angry, because I say fuck off. This has the result of limiting my contact with cheeky fuckers. Win win.

[quote Neveranynamesleft]@CrankyFrankie
OP does not sound depressed at all, far from it.
No one needs therapy just for sticking up for themselves.[/quote]
It's so interesting that once women start being less nice and finding their anger and boundaries, they're told they're miserable and or depressed and need therapy.

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.

I, too, cannot understand why people are applauding this. It certainly doesn’t sound as if it is improving anyone’s mood. I always try to help people if I can, without any expectation of reciprocation.

I feel the same, I’m a nice person but you get that way when twats constantly take the piss and take advantage of your kindness and I feel like that mentality of pure selfishness has got worse over the last decade or so, everyone is out for themselves and shady/slimy now. So fuck them all, true friends are hard to find! 😂

It's so interesting that once women start being less nice and finding their anger and boundaries, they're told they're miserable and or depressed and need therapy

Going around wanting to tell people to fuck off while still pandering and betraying herself as Op describes, isnt finding her boundaries, its an overwhelm reaction to their lack of boundaries.

ha that made me laugh and I am like you never spoke my mind in case of offending others and people in the past speaking to me in a way I would never do to anyone else so you are right with how you feel. When my doorbell rings I also think feck off. People who walk towards me on the path but do not move out of the way feck off. Those that try to queue jump ahead of me after I have queued for 30 mins in the wind to also feck off but now I tell them queue and give them a look. It is perimenopause and I don't have the same softness that I used to have and thank god as will now stand up for myself.

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.

DFOD

31 and think fuck off to most people. DD and DH excepted.

I have got to a point where I've realised no one, no one! Will make an effort for me, so I won't do it for anyone else. Sorry but I'm not putting myself out

@Glamping1234

There is a difference between getting annoyed at "cheeky fuckers" and people who simply ask you to grab a cup of coffee or the post man to take a parcel in! It sounds exhausting to be this annoyed all the time.

Why can't they get their own coffee ffs.

Totally agree. Coming up for 48. Also tired of everyone's bullshit. Gone through a very shitty few years and friends who I thought I could count on are fucking just not what I thought they would be. Decided I only really have approx 4 or 5 proper friends. It's OK It's better, actually.

People respond differently to me because I don't pander to them or pretend to be especially interested in what they are saying if I'm not. I feel a bit sad sometimes that I have lost my interest for other people a bit. Mostly I just feel unburdened though.

DH says that to his phone before he even sees who's ringing and he's not peri menopausal. He just can't be doing with people interupting him with their priorities when ringing them is clearly not his because otherwise he would have called them! I see his point but both for him and you it must be exhausting. As a PP said, can you find some go to words which achieve the satisfactory effect of Jeff off without the social suicide it might cause?

Cannot be arsed anymore. Always a face looking at me expecting something, go away, I don't know what's for dinner, where such and such is, where I'm going, what step I am taking next, just want to be able to be me with time of my own and if I want to sit and stare I will....