To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

@FOJN

Now ladies your anger at being taken advantage of is making people uncomfortable and fearful for the future of society. Angry women are most unnatural so you're probably depressed, you should see someone about getting those negative emotions medicated so we can all return to the status quo of women being kind and crapped on from a great height without complaint.

This shit can FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF.

Isn't it funny that women saying no,not caring and not wanting to be a doormat is seen as a negative?

Good for you OP.

But people like me who come across a piss taker would have said no to the collection request, irrespective if I had time or not.

I would deliberately not accommodate them because I know they are piss takers and for the pure sport of saying No.

That's great, OP. As they say around here, no is a full sentence

And honestly, I don't think people on this thread are saying that women need to be kind and accommodating, just that it's better to say no/fuck off openly than to people please and become bitter. Anger kept in or turned against yourself really isn't good, no matter how righteous it might be.

You are however missing the point - this is not about not helping when another person needs it, its about not being taken advantage of. Those are completely different, you are confusing the two.

I'm not missing the point. I just don't see how it is any more difficult to make 2 cups of coffee when you are making one anyway.

The latest scenario the OP has posted, this morning, was the other mother trying to take advantage. I would have said no too. I don't have people taking advantage of me, but I think there is a lot of undue anger about a pretty normal request to a person who is already making a coffee. That is the only point I have made.

It sounds like the OP was treated appallingly by her family in what she has described, and dealing with that is something she should definitely do, but that has nothing to do with the whole coffee situation.

Well done, it sounds like you are becoming more assertive. The better you get at it the less angry internal fuck off's you will say.

I think there's a backstory to the coffee situation. As the OP later explained, the woman asking for the coffee is a queen bee type who treated the OP badly when they were at school. Seen from that perspective I can understand why she resented making that coffee.

🌺🌻🌼 to the OP and everyone feeling burnout from doing too much for others, for too long.

My rude awakening came just before lockdown. It's been so much better. I still feel resentful occasionally 😅 but a LOT less than before and life is good.

OP, my hunch is that you may lose a few people by being more assertive but in time will gain some true friends. People with strong boundaries themselves who will value you and give back as much as they receive 💜

@billy1966

Good for you OP.

But people like me who come across a piss taker would have said no to the collection request, irrespective if I had time or not.

I would deliberately not accommodate them because I know they are piss takers and for the pure sport of saying No.

Yup. And I Certainly would not have given a reason why that didn't work for me - that often just gives people an opening to try and change your mind. 🌹

@Helocariad

I think there's a backstory to the coffee situation. As the OP later explained, the woman asking for the coffee is a queen bee type who treated the OP badly when they were at school. Seen from that perspective I can understand why she resented making that coffee.

Quite right. And she wasn't even bloody talking to me! She was plonked on her arse talking holidays and football teams with two of the dads who were part of her fawning crew in school. I got up to get a coffee and she then spoke to me to ask me to get her one. Not good enough to say hello to but good enough to serve her a coffee, for which she then said "thanks sweetie" promptly turned her back and continued with her chat. Cunt!

This was me the other day
I live in a block of apartments. Nobody else in the block works, I WFH but cannot answer the door usually due to my job
Every fucker thinks it's fine to buzz my bell, and I will let them in for everyone else

One night I had (guessing times)
3am ambulance
4am district nurse
7am doctor
9am chemist delivery
10am postman
2pm Hermes
4pm DPD

Guess how many were for me? NONE
But if I don't answer and it is the postman, I don't get post! Told the Hermes drivers to buzz only the apartment he wants as I won't be letting people in any more as I wasn't born to be a bloody door opener

This was my playlist on the spin bike the other day. Class was named "mood - salty"

Screamed it all out and felt much better after

Fucks sake

I hit my 'oh just FUCK OFF' moment a couple of years ago, I'm 47 now. It did not go down well with some of my nearest and dearest (DH and DSC most notably) and the shock when I started saying no was palpable. It was a bumpy road for a while but it was worth it, my time, energy and effort is respected now, as it should be.

I still do stuff for people but only ever because I want to, never because I feel obligated. And as a result I'm not bitter or angry, I agree with PP's that it's not a miserable way to live, quite the opposite. I feel peaceful, not letting people take the piss means I have nothing to be angry about.

I feel like I've set a good example to DD(13) too, she sees me saying no now and has become more assertive herself as a result which can only be a good thing, I want her to have healthy boundaries all her life, not just when she hits her 'fuck it 40's'

@WillYouDoTheFandango

I’m 38 too and I am so done with everyone and everything. All patience has been sucked out by lockdown. I spend my days singing Fuck you by Gayle in my head when people ask me for things.

I don’t do favours for people I don’t give a fuck about any more though. I just say no. It’s fantastic.

Hilarious! I've just googled the lyrics and then downloaded the track, I've never heard it before but it's going to be my 'go to' from now on.

And also agree with not doing favours for people you don't give a fuck about - saying no feels soooooo good!

@FOJN

Now ladies your anger at being taken advantage of is making people uncomfortable and fearful for the future of society. Angry women are most unnatural so you're probably depressed, you should see someone about getting those negative emotions medicated so we can all return to the status quo of women being kind and crapped on from a great height without complaint.

This shit can FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF.

I agree with this so much!

They're both there!! They're both there, both cars parked on their driveway. They can do it! So I just said "No, I can't." She looked at me like I'd farted in her face or something. Just like she couldn't quite believe it and was embarrassed and angry.

Good for you.

They're both there!! They're both there, both cars parked on their driveway. They can do it! So I just said "No, I can't." She looked at me like I'd farted in her face or something. Just like she couldn't quite believe it and was embarrassed and angry

I wonder if your DD told hers you would drop her back 😬

Not good enough to say hello to but good enough to serve her a coffee, for which she then said "thanks sweetie" promptly turned her back and continued with her chat. Cunt!

Why on earth did you just go and get her coffee !
Come on!
This is allowing her to walk all over you.

CrystalCoco I've had it on repeat ever since I saw it mentioned It's even better than Lily Allen's Fuck You.

@Kite22

You are however missing the point - this is not about not helping when another person needs it, its about not being taken advantage of. Those are completely different, you are confusing the two.

I'm not missing the point. I just don't see how it is any more difficult to make 2 cups of coffee when you are making one anyway.

The latest scenario the OP has posted, this morning, was the other mother trying to take advantage. I would have said no too. I don't have people taking advantage of me, but I think there is a lot of undue anger about a pretty normal request to a person who is already making a coffee. That is the only point I have made.

It sounds like the OP was treated appallingly by her family in what she has described, and dealing with that is something she should definitely do, but that has nothing to do with the whole coffee situation.

Assuming it was instant coffee or pouring from an already made urn rather than a latte on some fancy espresso machine, making a second cup is only very minimally time consuming. But that isn’t the full story with being asked to do something for someone. It also dictates what you do next (take the coffee to the person who asked for it rather than anything else that might take your fancy or any opportunity that pops up), shapes the way you feel about being in that space (especially for someone who isn’t that confident or outgoing in the first place), and then shapes the view others have of you as you hand the coffee over to the person who can’t even be bothered to chat to you - marking you out as some who serves, rather than someone to meet/chat/catch up with. It’s small, but if it happens again and again to the same people and it’s the same people asking again and again, it adds up to a gap in your experience of situations compared to other people’s experience of situations. A gap in the number of good interactions you have. A gap in the number of good opportunities.

For some it wouldn’t be a problem because they don’t constantly say yes to every request so they don’t have a history of constantly being put in an ever so slightly less advantageous position that adds up to not having as many opportunities to do what they like as others. But that’s the whole point of the thread - it isn’t one coffee, it’s every single ask added up. And you can’t cut back on that totality of requests if you don’t say “no” to individual requests, however small they, individually, are.

@NumberTheory that’s a fucking excellent post.

@NumberTheory, that's exactly it!