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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

297 replies

kyiv · 09/04/2022 18:41

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/04/2022 20:31

I have had to stop swearing while I drive as I have a new DashCam which I'm worried will catch my mutterings of "Don;t cut me up ,just wait like the rest of us Cuntychops"

I am also scared that with age my social filter will drop and I'll end uo thinking out loud to a patient Shock
I'll keep wearing the facemasks , hides a multitude of sin.

Shinyballs · 09/04/2022 20:31

All normal. When you get 45 you start saying it out loud. :)

shssandhr · 09/04/2022 20:32

I've been through a lot in recent years. And since my Dad died 3 years ago I give zero fucks about anything.
It can all just fuck right off.

jytdtysrht · 09/04/2022 20:32

Yep - too many people have taken too much piss. I now have no tolerance for anything.

alwayswrighty · 09/04/2022 20:32

I think the people that believe we're angry all the time are not seeing the bigger picture.

I am far from angry. I simply don't care anymore. I'm tired of listening to the same bullshit from the same people without any regard for anyone else.

I am still considerate of others but I'm not making effort unless that effort is returned.

Personally the only people I give a shit about is my immediate family and my dogs. I don't need anyone else in my life. I'm not lonely.

Silverclocks · 09/04/2022 20:33

Excessive stress does increase cancer risk and this sounds like a very stressful way to live.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 09/04/2022 20:35

I think we're seen as the ones who are fine doing it alone. We're strong, we're the helpers.. plaster a smile on your face and get on with life

My general advice is to stop looking for the helpers because they're exhausted and their resources are burned out by the relentless demands placed on them by people with no intention of reciprocity and scarcely any acknowledgement.

More generally, this article says everything I feel but far more eloquently: The Fetishization of Mr. Rogers’s ‘Look for the Helpers’

www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2018/10/look-for-the-helpers-mr-rogers-is-bad-for-adults/574210/

kyiv · 09/04/2022 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Terfydactyl · 09/04/2022 20:36

Someone will pop along to ask what harm there was in making a drink for someone because a woman saying no always needs to quantify harm or inconvenience, tell them to fuck off too

Not even a whole page of answers and we get the be kiiiiind shite.

OP I've never had many fucks to give, but menopause made me worse.
I have been know to say fuck you/off/it/it off/ variations include asshole, dick, etc.

Loving the menopause for that, not so much the brain fog, aching and random periods

NumberTheory · 09/04/2022 20:37

I don’t think this is normal either, OP. Though I’m also not all Pollyanna “oh just just need to make coffee for anyone who asks you to with joy in your heart”.

I think you sound like you’ve had far too much on your plate of late and it’s made you want to withdraw from pretty much everyone. Learning to say “No.” more easily may well stop you thinking “Fuck off” so much. Good boundaries are critical to good mental health.

LivingInaBuildingSite · 09/04/2022 20:37

I read somewhere that as women age our ‘caring hormones’ start to drop. Way before menopause so we may not be aware.

But we literally start caring less. About other people, what they think of us, anything.

It makes me and my friends feel better when we are overcome with the same fuck off-ness as OP.

Spend time with your people. The kind that make you laugh and feel good, or at least silly.

Work on ways to reduce time spent with fuck off inducers. My youngest is about to leave primary, that will significantly reduce my fuck offness. I hope!

alwayswrighty · 09/04/2022 20:37

@billy1966

Stress causes many illnesses, and it may marginally increase your chances of contracting cancer, but given that 1 in 2 people are diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime I'd wager its not all stress related.

HesterShaw1 · 09/04/2022 20:38

YANBU

It's my default setting

Talkingtomycat247 · 09/04/2022 20:38

I'd much rather people tell me to fuck off in person than say it in their head. I know where I'm going wrong then.
I tell myself to fuck off many times.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 20:38

I hear you, OP! I’d have told cheeky fucker to make her own drink with a ‘Did someone chop your hands off? No? Then make your own’.

I am very intolerant these days. I’m very anti-social (to the point of seeking out people on dog walks so I can socialise my puppy with people 😳) If the neighbour came to the door, I’d sigh so loudly I’d blow my own house down.

Rinatinabina · 09/04/2022 20:38

You only have so many fucks to give, only give them to people you give a fuck about. Best advice I’ve been given.

Original poster
kyiv · 09/04/2022 20:38

@billy1966

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
You should probably alert cancer research RIGHT FUCKING NOW to this major breakthrough you've discovered. That all women who have cancer have brought it on themselves
OP posts:
medicmummm · 09/04/2022 20:39

We have code for fuck off …. Goes like this….

“Thank you so much” smile …. Smile

Nobody is any the wiser but makes you feel great? You should try it Smile

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/04/2022 20:43

I do internally tell most people to fuck off but I am struggling with the one person I need to do this with the most- my DP when he tells me we need to spend Christmas and Easter and summers with his parents. I desperately want to tell them all to fuck off but I can't or I may lose him.
It makes me stressed and sad.

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 20:44

[quote alwayswrighty]@billy1966

Stress causes many illnesses, and it may marginally increase your chances of contracting cancer, but given that 1 in 2 people are diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime I'd wager its not all stress related.[/quote]
I know you are right.

Apologies for the hyperbolic post but I really think the stress onnwomen sucking it up and seething is just so illness inducing.

Of course people get cancer without stress.

But in my experience, every single woman who got it in their 50's were really stressed.

Running yourself ragged and not having any boundaries, being used, seething daily......it's just not good for your health.

Apologies for the hyperbolic post, I do realise that this is just MY unscientific view!

Templeblossom · 09/04/2022 20:46

@NumberTheory

I don’t think this is normal either, OP. Though I’m also not all Pollyanna “oh just just need to make coffee for anyone who asks you to with joy in your heart”.

I think you sound like you’ve had far too much on your plate of late and it’s made you want to withdraw from pretty much everyone. Learning to say “No.” more easily may well stop you thinking “Fuck off” so much. Good boundaries are critical to good mental health.

This. Its passive aggressive to do things for people and then all fuck yous etc after.

When she asked would you mind getting me a coffee
Just say Yes I would mind and walk off!

EarthSight · 09/04/2022 20:46

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

my DP when he tells me we need to spend Christmas and Easter and summers with his parents

Why is he the one that gets to decide where you spend a huge chunk of your holidays and time off???

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/04/2022 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

user75 · 09/04/2022 20:50

Preach sister

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 20:51

Apologies OP, i really didn't mean to derail you thread.

Of course women aren't to blame for their cancer in any way.

But I do believe stress does not help.

Women have so much stress that they internalise by not telling peothat are rude, hugely impose on them, take advantage of them.

They suck it up. Some more than others.

Nearly 60 here and ALL my friends believe this and now are ruthless in no longer tolerating it.

The menopause was their trigger.

They are ALL, without exception, pleased to have asserted themselves, finally.