To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

I am of a similar age and can relate to this! I have been a people pleaser all my life. It's exhausting. My life is so busy with work and 2 young dc. I just feel like I need to put myself first and not be such a doormat. What you said about your phone ringing resonated with me, it gives me the rage when my phone rings, all I can think is ffs who needs me now? Glad it's not just me

What is the fuck off song please?

If no one can tell me they can fuck off too.

Nah I'm the same 🤷‍♀️

Omg are you me? 🤣

I showed your OP to my DH, because I relate to everything you wrote. He thought I'd written it myself

Can I add that one of the most wonderful thing about having to wear face masks during the pandemic was that you could utter "Fuck Off" quietly behind one and no one would ever know it was you that said it! You could mouth quite a lot behind a face mask.

Keep wearing them, if only for this reason!

@Palloom

What is the fuck off song please?

If no one can tell me they can fuck off too.

'If someone asks you to make them a drink just don't - get yours, steer clear of them and they actually ask where it is vaguely say 'Oh, I forgot' with a shrug'

LOVE THIS

This is my default setting too! I can’t be arsed with people anymore

I think you might be my twin OP. Except I'm 43.

YANBU. At all. I think with age also comes the realisation that we don't need to conform to expectations. We've done the being nice, just to be taken advantage of.

Fuck off, fuck you, fuck this, fuck that - they're my default on everything. I no longer answer the phone, or the door if I don't want to. I no longer have the desire for small talk and niceties. I will no longer chase around doing things for others who have a much easier situation than mine, when actually they're capable of doing it themselves.

They've all abandoned us for the last 2 years and left us to fend for ourselves with Shielding, CEV, DNR's etc. So no. They can fuck off. Every single one of them.

I think there’s a big difference in not wanting to be a doormat and finding it within yourself to be pleasant to someone you haven’t seen for years and even getting them a drink. How joyless it would be if everything anyone ever did was calculating and transactional.

I’m nearly 60 and post menopausal. I’m going to be-a grumpy old tw@ that throws cats at people when they come to my door ( only stuffedfluffy ones) and tell people to fuck off all day ,! 🤣🤣

Oh my God, OP - I am exactly the same.

I've watched people's behaviour over the last two years - God, most people are absolutely pathetic, selfish twats. I have let go most of my pre-Covid friends. I can't be bothered with them. I don't want the small talk. I am sick of doing "favours". I am sick of my women so-called friends off-loading and venting on me sometimes doing all the drama-shouting and acting out arguments with their DHs. I wanted them all to fuck off, and I feel such relief I have dumped them all.

I laughed how you want to put 'Fuck off' on replies, then 'Regards'.
You're not really there yet 😂

I’m with you OP - my head is full of “off you fu*k” while my mouth is smiling and saying yes - I need to start saying no!

I think of it as an emotional bank account. If you have been paying out to others for years, without receiving any support or love in return, eventually you become overdrawn and reach your credit limit. No more fucks to give - except the ones followed by “off”!
You need to do less giving and more receiving, until your credit balance improves, OP. Prioritise your own needs for a while, treat yourself, assert your boundaries. Aim for a sweet spot, where the giving and receiving of favours is equal. That way is happier than just snarling at everyone until you feel you have sufficiently punished them for your past treatment as a support human/doormat.

@Subbaxeo

I think there’s a big difference in not wanting to be a doormat and finding it within yourself to be pleasant to someone you haven’t seen for years and even getting them a drink. How joyless it would be if everything anyone ever did was calculating and transactional.

I don't think you're quite getting the OP

The point is she is being pleasant, which is why it's building up inside her and she's on here venting

MUCH sympathy.

But sympathy isn’t what you need, you need a kick up the arse - to do a bit of thinking and reading on how to set your boundaries. Stock phrases to say no or buy time, ways to look in advance at your week to know how much you can do. Very importantly - ways to ask for help if you need it. Was it really that no one would help when you needed it or did you just not know how to clearly ask?

Once you’ve got the basics above, you might want to think more deeply about what you want out of life. Do you really want to be at coffee mornings doing chit chat with randoms, is the pay off enough?

Do some reading and if you need help from a therapist or coach get it. I am all for ADs to help get out of a slump, but you aren’t in a slump you are in a rage so don’t think they will help.

Brutally if you feel like this this time next year it will be your (fucking) fault. (Said with love).

Do get it sorted. The level of anger you are experiencing is irrational as you know. It’s not a nice way to live and will burn you out.

All the people saying it doesn't take a minute to make a coffee are missing the point. The coffee lady was being rude and poor mannered. If someone wants to make you a coffee, they will offer, if not, get your own. You don't have to put up with poor manners.
For all coffee lady knows OP could have invisible disabilities which make getting an extra coffee a painful burden.

YABVU.

I suspect the thread title has attracted people who think like this rather than a cross section of society.

I agree with everything @HardbackWriter said.

Yeah. I used to feel like you
You won't one day

Is an odd reply. How do you know how old Hardbackwriter is ?
I can tell you for a fact I am quite a lot older than you, but I don't feel like you.
What a sad, miserable way to go through life.

I generally go through life with the aim of treating everyone in the way I would like to be treated myself.

Your blood pressure must be sky high being that angry with life all the time. Nothing you described at the party ought to have led to any anger.

@kyiv you must be my twin 😅.
I tell people to fuck off in my head all the time
I don't take the DN parcels in.
I was even asked why by one courier.
And I told him they where cunts.
Meh.

I'm out to make my life easier,not yours.
So

Yes. This is me every day. I’m peri, prior to this I would do anything to help anyone. Then literally it was as if a switch had been flicked, no more bending over backwards for everyone else. FFS is constantly spinning around in my head. But not quite coming out from behind my mask!

@EarPlugAfficionado

When does premenopause start and what happens?

My perimenopause started at 51. No signs at all before that. Menopause is 12 solid months without periods.

What a sad, miserable way to go through life

On the contrary, I have found it to be extremely liberating, I have never been happier and I have become carefree, lighthearted and full of joy since I started being more assertive and setting strong boundaries.

It gets easier and becomes habit too, and has the end result of being surrounded with far fewer people, but genuine true friends without all the drama and BS, friends who accept and like me for being me, not who the "me" who suits them.

At least you internalise it. I've taken to muttering "shut the fuck up/fuck off/get out of the fucking way" under my breath. One day someone will hear me and I'll probably get punched or stabbed or something. My facial expressions normally scream my feelings, even if I have managed to internalise them, anyway.

I just feel like I've got patience fatigue. I'm still nice to the people who deserve it, but I have absolutely no time for those who don't. I think it's a pandemic/world going to shit/motherhood/turning 30 thing for me, after years as a people pleaser bending over backwards for people who walked all over me and being smiley and nice to idiots, I just won't do it any more.