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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

297 replies

kyiv · 09/04/2022 18:41

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 09/04/2022 20:52

God it does sound like your family and friends really let you down. I’m not surprised you feel bitter and like telling everyone to fuck off. Have you ever had it out with these people?

schmalex · 09/04/2022 20:52

I think that you're suppressing your feelings too much and that's what's causing it. If you're happy to make someone a coffee, then do it. But don't say yes and then seethe silently!

wildthingsinthenight · 09/04/2022 20:53

YANBU OP. I hear ya

Original poster
kyiv · 09/04/2022 20:54

@Ionlydomassiveones

Actually I think you, and all your fans on this thread, are being very unreasonable. You don’t need to be so ‘fuck offy’ in your head if you weren't such a pathetic people pleaser. If you had normal healthy boundaries you could live a happy life and not have to do anything you don’t want to do. You can put yourself first in an emotionally intelligent way without putting others down.
And of course, we should always blame women for their social conditioning.

Shoutout to all my fans.

OP posts:
unname · 09/04/2022 20:54

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.
The other option is to say “Oh I’ll let you do that!”, smile and walk on.

Not all options involve meeting everyone else’s requests.

Jellyfish15357 · 09/04/2022 20:54

For medical reasons I have felt like this half to most of the time, for years. I’m still no where near peri menopause.

I genuinely worry about myself and if I will end up in prison by being so short tempered with people when I’m feeling like this. Then if I do I’ll just get called a nasty person. If not this I’ll end up with a serious illness due to stress.

It really hasn’t been a nice experience. I try to let go of it as much as possible and do what I can to relax. It’s very difficult.

RinklyRomaine · 09/04/2022 20:56

Had exactly this conversation with my best mate last week. Our circles have shrunk significantly in the last couple of years, not really because of covid or kids but because we just cannot be fucked with all the effort of not saying fuck off. Ha. I'm not angry, or even stressed. I just don't want to be the do-er. I want to make the effort with the very few people who really matter, and smile faintly then ignore everyone else. I don't want boring chit chat with people I knew 17 years ago. I don't want to appease my mother every time I speak to her about some imagined slight. My fuck offs are more No Thank You out loud but the sentiment is there.

SenselessUbiquity · 09/04/2022 20:57

I hear you loud and clear, OP.
I think though, as a previous poster has suggested, come up with some ways to say no that aren't actually fuck off. So you can say them.

I mean, if you feel able to say fuck off, knock yourself out. I only mean find alternatives so you can say some version of no.

What I have started doing is not replying immediately (you can do this on text) so when someone pipes up "hey let's tweak the perfectly good plan we had so it suits me down the ground and is much more inconvenient for you" I don't reply at once because if I do, I won't let myself say "fuck off" so I find myself saying "fine".

Previous modus operandi:

me (thought bubble) "yeah I could do that, I'll just do x really early before work and then y can wait till next weekend and then I can just about get there when she wants to me to this other place that is miles away and - yeah I'll say yes"
me: "Yes, sure"
me, later, (thoughtbubble) "GODDAMMIT NOW I AM ALL ANGRY I have now lost all my day off and I am going to be shattered and the kids are going to be demanding that I do xyz with them at 10pm and ... WHY DIDN'T I SAY FUCK OFF"

Current modus operandi:

Thinks: yeah I could do that I guess. BUT DON'T SAY ANYTHING YET.
NOW I AM ALL ANGRY I have realised this stupid new plan trashes my weekend for no advantage to me

Replies: "Sorry I can't make that. Can we do the original plan? Or if not, we can leave it to another weekend."

I like the simple economy of "fuck off". maybe I'll do that one one day

Version4needsabitofwork · 09/04/2022 20:59

You are being most reasonable.

Grin
alwayswrighty · 09/04/2022 20:59

@billy1966

sucking it up and seething is just so illness inducing

I completely agree with this. I had meningitis brought on purely by stress.

@Ionlydomassiveones how can you make that assumption? I'm not a people pleaser but I've bitten my tongue a lot over the years. It's liberating not to. I don't go round actually telling people to 'fuck off' but I won't do anything I don't want to and certainly won't explain myself. I also won't tolerate rudeness or bullshit from anyone and will call it out.

Pretty sure most of the 'fuck offers' are probably the same.

SenselessUbiquity · 09/04/2022 21:00

the person who asked you to make them a coffee though, they definitely deserve a fuck off.

LongingToBeByTheSea · 09/04/2022 21:00

"I cried. I pleaded. I begged. One situation is that I desperately needed someone to look after two of my children while the other had emergency surgery and my husband was out of the country and it would take him 11 hrs to get back. Yes there were plenty of people available. No, the fuck they did not want to bother themselves. I got a screenshot sent to me by accident from a sibling meant for another saying "Did you get this? I don't wanna do it, I'm not replying." Another is that we desperately needed painkillers when we all had covid and I was the worst by far. No fucker would take three to twenty minutes out of their day to make sure I, the person who does everything to help anyone, suffered less pain, or that my immediate family did. I even put out a plea on social media. A stranger on a local page posted lemsip through my door. Not my fucking family members or friends."

That is Fuck Off worthy and then some @kyiv
I absolutely understand your feelings on this - it's hard to get over. I'm sending you an unmumsnetty hug and fully expecting to be told to Fuck Off for it Thanks

Neverendingmindfuck · 09/04/2022 21:03

Whilst out wear earphones.
You can swear at people all you like.
If they challenge you, you tell them you're on the phone.
Or tell them to fuck off again, whatever floats your boat ...

Branleuse · 09/04/2022 21:03

Theres a saying I think is relevent here.

If you meet an arsehole during the day, youve met an arsehole.
If you meet arseholes all day long, then youre the arsehole.

You sound like youre done in with everybody and are even finding basic chit chat and small interactions to be too much of a demand on you right now. You need a break or to make changes in your life because you cant change them, only yourself

applewhitenights · 09/04/2022 21:05

I just say "yeah sure" and either fail to do it or do it really badly.

People soon learn you're not reliable enough to ask a favour of.

Branleuse · 09/04/2022 21:07

Although God, your family do sound like dicks refusing to help you when you desperatly needed them. I definitely wouldnt be helping out those fuckers again.no wonder youre feeling fucked off with the world

DukeofEarlGrey · 09/04/2022 21:07

Oh, same. I am 41 but think it's more Covid related than hormones. I used to have a ridiculously stressful job and the bastards that led the business got even worse during Covid. I left and now have nothing in my life but the basic activities I want to do and people I actually want to see. I have a new job with zero nonsense. It felt like a seismic shift. Most days there is something that comes up that I used to care about and I just think 'nope'. It's seriously liberating.

Seema1234 · 09/04/2022 21:08

I don't blame you OP.

One of the many things I love about getting older is the ability to say no in a way I wouldn't have when I was young. I'm a Lawyer and I can't tell you how many CFs I get getting in touch to ask me a 'quick question'. Almost always a friend of a friend that I don't know , or someone who doesn't bother with me at any other time. I don't respond now and just block them. It's bliss. I did it this week to a CF who texted me at 11 at night. I saw her today in a coffee shop and she kept trying to catch my eye. Fuck off is spot on.

CuntForThisOne · 09/04/2022 21:09

OP, I'm a 50 yr old people pleaser who secretly thinks "fuck off" to pretty much every request which comes my way. Also say it to my phone when it rings (before I answer it, obviously).

Rainbowx · 09/04/2022 21:12

I'm 38 and I'm exactly the same it's very hard having to bite my younger regularly now!!

BorderlineHappy · 09/04/2022 21:13

@kyiv you're family sound awful.
I think it's in them times, you find out who is really there for you.

And the poster who said about not being angry and just not caring is spot on.

Rainbowx · 09/04/2022 21:13

Meant to say tongue!!!!Grin

Greenpolkadot · 09/04/2022 21:14

I walk through shops ,past people having mindless anal conversations and I'm thinking fuck off shut the fuck up.
I'm 66 and I'm sick of everyone's shit

DomesticatedZombie · 09/04/2022 21:15

@IWanderedLonely

YANBU. I'm 54 and have had a lifetime of being a doormat helping others at the expense of my own time and ultimately mental health. Either menopause or just plain old getting older and wiser, but now( with the exception of my immediate family) they can all do one.
Sometimes tbh my immediate family can also definitely do one, too.
AbsoluteTruths · 09/04/2022 21:19

It's been a very tough two years and we're being bombarded with negative shit left, right and centre still. I feel the same sometimes. It's overwhelm. I think it's a sign you are depleted and there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no, I can't do a single thing more for anyone right now. YANBU.