To think "fuck off" far more than anything nice?

[kyiv]

And not want to do anything nice for anyone? I noticed this earlier today. I mean, I knew it already a bit, but it's become the default setting now. Maybe it's because it's been a damn hard couple of years and people constantly take the piss with my generosity or maybe it's because I'm 38 and haven't got the tolerance I once did, but I do wonder if IABU. I'm always the one people come to for help but there have been too many occasions in the last 18 months where I have been desperate for help and there has been silence from all quarters. Makes me want to set an auto reply to every text message and email, simply "Fuck off. Regards."

Earlier I was at a kids birthday party with one of mine. Saw a few folk I haven't seen since I was in school. A couple came up to me and did the standard "oh my god, it's been like 22 years, you haven't changed, what are you doing now" schtick and in my head I was groaning and thinking "just fuck off. Fuck off, fuck off." I went up to the parents bit to get a coffee and someone I've not said a word to in 22 years said "Ooh, Kyiv, would you mind grabbing me one? Milk, two sugars?" Yes. Yes I fucking would mind! What are you doing that's so important that you can't get your own drink? Did I say this? No. I did not. I wordlessly made the fucking drink. She said "thanks sweetie" and I immediately thought "oh, fuck off"

I see the neighbour coming to the door and I immediately think "fuck off." My phone rings and I think "fuck off" before I even see who it is and think it even harder if it's any of my kids schools. If the postman asks me to take in a neighbours parcel, I have to fight the urge to say No.

Am I now a mean spirited twat? AIBU?

I can also relate to this……am 58 and always been ‘there’ for everyone …. When I hit 50 enough was enough and I metamorphosed into someone who no longer sits in the dependable, reliable and doormat category ….and now in the growly, grumpy and unapproachable category ….not sure if I prefer it but makes life much more interesting !

Omg this is me! I think it is the combination of spending so much of my life being a people pleaser, along with perimenopause. I am struggling and more grumpy than usual (though I avoid showing it) and just wish everyone would fuck off at times.

@kyiv

Thanks for that song link, and for not telling me to fuck off.

It’s not a sad, miserable way of going through life at all. It’s brilliant!

With you @kyiv and everyone else who feels that way. I'm 45. I hit that point about 4 years ago.

No longer give a fuck what people think. I'm not going to make effort where it's not returned. Subsequently my friendship pool has reduced significantly, but I'm not wasting my time pandering to people.

I spend half of my day thinking the exact same

I’m 38. Same same same 🤣🤣😬

Your username and this tiny problem in comparison gets you a fuck off from me. YABU talking about a generic insipid life. Whilst children of Kyiv are dead.
Fuck off yourself and get some self awareness.

I am enjoying this thread. But also wondering if this "Fuck Off" phenomenon has any connection with there being less visibility of women above a certain age on television. Maybe it's too much of a risk before the watershed.

@MakeThingsRight people are allowed to talk about other things than the war you know. Fml

Oh I’m like this. I’ve definitely got grumpier recently. I just cba with people. I’ve a select few I enjoy spending my time with, the rest I tolerate. I’m a miserable sod.

This is my default setting. I'm so over people's shit. Next time tell Queen Bee to make her own coffee. "Sweetie" would make me rage. I'm not 5.

As well as thinking fuck off alot , this song sums up things

I actually understand what you mean.

I'm 41 now and started thinking this about 5 years ago and actually started to be more assertive about a year later.

I think you just reach a point in life where you realise not having time for the bullshit means you don't have to find time to engage in it.

And mine also started after a period that was extremely difficult and yet I still supported others at that time.

Did they support me? Nope.

I then realised people walk all over me because I laid down for them.

I stopped laying down.

I lost a few friendships that I've realised were never actually friendships in the first place if they ended when they became a 2 way expectation from me.

@MakeThingsRight

Your username and this tiny problem in comparison gets you a fuck off from me. YABU talking about a generic insipid life. Whilst children of Kyiv are dead. Fuck off yourself and get some self awareness.

I hate all this sanctimonious bullshit, as if people who dare to continue with and talk about their regular lives are somehow lesser human beings or less horrified by the atrocities committed in Ukraine than those performatively grieving and posting hysterical missives on social media.

Go and volunteer or do something useful if you feel that strongly, what you're doing with this post is of absolutely no use to those children.

Are you me? Nicola Fucking Queen Bee might have had two teaspoons of salt accidentally put in her coffee. Or 17 sugars. Or Cif. But then I have just been hit with “Oh Hon, did I tell you MIL is coming for Easter?” (The same MIL who called DD1 a slut for buying herself an eyeshadow palette when she was 12 and sent DD2 $50 and DS $5 in cards for their 10th birthday - they’re twins, btw.) My response? “Where is she staying?”

@HardbackWriter

Clearly I am very much against the grain of the thread but I do think you sound pretty unreasonable! Sounds like you made yourself pretty miserable at that party for absolutely no reason. I mean, you could get bitter and resentful and furious about making someone else a coffee or you could spend literally 10 seconds doing it and move on with your life. It's up to you but being you sounds both miserable and exhausting and I find it hard to understand why other people are celebrating and applauding that.

Yeah I agree. Although I wouldn't have made the cup of coffee. I would have just laughed and walked away. Or said 'okay' and not done it. Or just given her a look.

Having good boundaries is not about being aggressive or angry, but being able to trust that you'll always protect yourself. Constantly raging at other people in your head is not mentally healthy. Being confident that you won't let people take advantage of you and that you know your worth is ultimately a more healing approach.

If someone is genuinely taking the piss by all means stand up for yourself but please try not to add to the myriad of people who give zero fucks to the point where they don’t even make space to pace on the pavement where there is room for one each direction etc

You feel like s**t because someone did/don’t do something that transferred a little of their misery onto you. Please break the chain and just don’t pass it on the the next person.

Hope you feel better soon op

*pass

Actually, it's interesting that a lot of women are saying they felt this way in their 40s... I had a couple of angry years in my mid-40s. Maybe it's a phase women go through. Definitely glad I'm over it now, though. I like having boundaries and that makes my life better. Being angry all the time hurt me a lot.

Funnily enough I noticed the other day that I have very little patience or tolerance with people these days. It's worst when I'm behind the wheel. I do try to cultivate a sunny personality bc I think it makes you happy, and gives you fewer lines on your face, but once something goes tits up (some idiot pulls out without indicating, for example) my sunniness vaporises.

I'm a bit older than most of you. Funnily enough I told someone to fuck off recently - it's not really in my vocabulary and this was the first time I have ever said it to a stranger. I said it mildly rather than angrily. I think I was as surprised as she was! She WBU in a situation with a friend of mine who couldn't cope with the situation.

But yeah, my reserves of door-mattedness are very low these days. There's no way I would answer the phone to MIL on a Saturday morning and allow her to just rant for half an hour, as I used to - it's really selfish, she never asks how I am and these days I allow ten minutes before I say I have to go. Same with a couple of friends who just like moaning and won't actually converse. Mine is not related to hormones, I don't think - I blame the stresses of lockdown and catching the virus, not being able to do as we like, etc.

@Luredbyapomegranate

MUCH sympathy.

But sympathy isn’t what you need, you need a kick up the arse - to do a bit of thinking and reading on how to set your boundaries. Stock phrases to say no or buy time, ways to look in advance at your week to know how much you can do. Very importantly - ways to ask for help if you need it. Was it really that no one would help when you needed it or did you just not know how to clearly ask?

Once you’ve got the basics above, you might want to think more deeply about what you want out of life. Do you really want to be at coffee mornings doing chit chat with randoms, is the pay off enough?

Do some reading and if you need help from a therapist or coach get it. I am all for ADs to help get out of a slump, but you aren’t in a slump you are in a rage so don’t think they will help.

Brutally if you feel like this this time next year it will be your (fucking) fault. (Said with love).

Do get it sorted. The level of anger you are experiencing is irrational as you know. It’s not a nice way to live and will burn you out.

Oh, I asked. I cried. I pleaded. I begged. One situation is that I desperately needed someone to look after two of my children while the other had emergency surgery and my husband was out of the country and it would take him 11 hrs to get back. Yes there were plenty of people available. No, the fuck they did not want to bother themselves. I got a screenshot sent to me by accident from a sibling meant for another saying "Did you get this? I don't wanna do it, I'm not replying." Another is that we desperately needed painkillers when we all had covid and I was the worst by far. No fucker would take three to twenty minutes out of their day to make sure I, the person who does everything to help anyone, suffered less pain, or that my immediate family did. I even put out a plea on social media. A stranger on a local page posted lemsip through my door. Not my fucking family members or friends.