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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's in the wrong here - him or her? Me?

155 replies

namechange58928585 · 09/04/2022 13:00

Name changed just as not to be identifiable.

Good friend of mine, a male colleague from 2 years ago. We've always got on well and kept in touch after his leaving - mostly via text but have met very occasionally for a walk or coffee.

My partner is aware and my relationship is OK. His partner had an issue with it (not sure how aware she was of the detail of the friendship but she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again)

It's definitely friendship, but not sure anyone can reassure her - she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

I can 100% confirm he has never made a move or been inappropriate with me in the past. If she weren't so reactive about it all I'd assume there would be no need for the secrecy.

So if we remain friends, who is in the wrong here? His wife for having no trust in him and disallowing him female friends? Him for staying friendly with me when she's insecure about it? Me for wanting to stay in touch with my friend when my partner has no issue and they've even briefly met?

It's not an affair, nothing physical has happened. It's not anything beyond the same friendships I have with my female work friends from previous jobs. There's no extreme emotional attachment or anything like that but sometimes we do talk about our lives and offer advice. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with my other half seeing.

I'm just not sure who is being unreasonable - I like to think neither of us are, but appreciate he is now hiding this friendship from her.

OP posts:

Aconitum · 09/04/2022 13:02

Him...and you. Back off

TedMullins · 09/04/2022 13:05

She is being unreasonable but then so is he for lying to her. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but if I were you I couldn’t be arsed with the drama and wouldn’t want to collude in some clandestine secret, which she may well find out about and then have even more ammunition to think it’s an affair. It’s a shame he can’t stand up to her, but personally while I’d be sad to lose the friendship I’d leave them to it.

Iloveartichokes · 09/04/2022 13:07

He is, you would be, she isn’t. Their relationship = their rules. It may seem strange to you but that’s their business, not yours. Back off. He’s not coming over well if he’s prepared to deceive her, is he?

Freddiefox · 09/04/2022 13:08

Really it’s not your problem, it’s his wife’s and his for being told who he can be friends with.

But I wouldn’t be hid like a dirty secret. So if bale out.

TedMullins · 09/04/2022 13:08

I doubt anyone would say it was reasonable for a male partner to dictate that their wife cut off friends they didn’t like. Of course she’s being unreasonable!

DrEllie · 09/04/2022 13:10

I have a male friend, but neither his wife or my husband have any opinion about this. However if his wife did have an issue there's no way I'd have a secret friendship. It just wouldn't feel right and I agree with previous poster, you're being dragged into their drama

LouiseBelchersBunnyEars · 09/04/2022 13:11

@Iloveartichokes

But if he’s willing to deceive her, it can’t be ‘their rules’ can it?

Back off OP, he might be your friend but it’s not worth the drama, she’s obviously insecure for whatever reason, it’s for him to deal with, not you.

Ipadflowers · 09/04/2022 13:13

Him. First. He needs to tell her straight and not be bullied into letting her decide who he can and can’t be friends with due to her own mental health issues Ie insecurity jealousy etc, that’s on her to fix.

Second. Her. As she needs to take responsibility and deal with her issues.

You are doing nothing wrong, he’s your friend. Carry on as is. His relationship problems are not yours.

AndAsIfByMagic · 09/04/2022 13:16

She is. Poor bloke. Divorce soon, I expect. Too controlling.

zingally · 09/04/2022 13:16

I'd be a bit concerned for HIM, that his wife is this possessive. But that being said, you don't know what's gone on previously in their relationship. There's obviously some trauma there for someone.

Personally, I'd let this friendship die. I wouldn't want to be seen as anyone's "other woman", even when it's entirely innocent.

StopFeckingFaffing · 09/04/2022 13:17

We (and you) only know as much about this man's marriage that he has chosen to share with you so really not possible to judge whether his wife is being unreasonable or not without knowing her version of events too

You have done nothing wrong but I would be inclined to distance yourself from him now

HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 13:19

I think a lot of women wouldn't be happy with their partner going off for walks and coffee with another woman. Does he want to compound that by meeting in secret?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 09/04/2022 13:19

Given that whatever their relationship this would make you his dirty secret I too would suggest you bale on that friendship.

What he's asking of you is unpleasant at best. Tell him so and block him so he gets the message.

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 13:20

I would distance from that.

She could be ridiculously controlling and out of order.
Or he could be a serial cheat and she is insecure.
Or he could have told her previously that he liked you as more than a friend.

The way for him to deal with it is to actually deal with it with his wife. Sneaking around and turning it into some sort of dirty secret is likely to just blow up in everyone’s faces and drag you into their drama.

Also could cause you problems with your other half who might then wonder why you were happy to risk that level of drama to stay in touch with the guy.

OatmilkandCookies · 09/04/2022 13:21

It's a difficult one
She sounds controlling but do you really want to be part of that drama?
You say there's no big emotional attachment and you're just like any other work friends but it sounds like he feels the friendship is more than that - I don't mean dodgy, but maybe he feels you're closer than you feel you are

latriciamcneal · 09/04/2022 13:23

This is all up to him as he's the one being asked not to see his friend and he's the one choosing to obey her (sort of)

Then he's asking you to become complicit in a lie and be a shameful secret friend?

Have some self-respect. No, don't start seeing someone's husband behind their wife's back.

DinaofCloud9 · 09/04/2022 13:24

She's unreasonable but no doubt most posters will think she's completely right to control his friendships.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 13:25

Honestly, you’re all being unreasonable.

It’s unreasonable to forbid an adult to see another one. You can discuss, give a preference, ask. Forbidding an adult is unreasonable.

It’s unreasonable to promise not to see someone and then wilfully ignore that promise. Yes, to ask is unreasonable, but to agree to a condition and ignore it is childish and dishonest.

3, you are unreasonable to not see the reality of your situation. How do you know their relationship isn’t ‘strong’? Why isn’t it? I suspect you’re ignoring the very clear and obvious signs that he wants more than a friendship.

In short, this is a mess and you’re all being unreasonable.

devildeepbluesea · 09/04/2022 13:26

They’re both being unreasonable. You’re doing nothing wrong. Saying that however, be uncomfortable continuing the friendship in secret.

devildeepbluesea · 09/04/2022 13:27

I’d be uncomfortable

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/04/2022 13:29

She and he are both being unreasonable. She’s unreasonable to make the request of him, but he’s unreasonable to say yes to it and then go behind her back. He either needs to accept her ultimatum and stop the friendship or he needs to refuse to do so and accept that she could end the relationship over it. In his shoes I wouldn’t want to be in a controlling situation like that anyway.

You’re not doing anything wrong though by maintaining the friendship, you don’t have any commitment to do what she wants and to be honest I would assume at some point their relationship will break down anyway and your friendship will outlast it so I wouldn’t throw it away over the wishes of a controlling partner.

SweetPeaGirl · 09/04/2022 13:30

I think probably everyone TBH. Unreasonable demand from her, lies from him, lack of sensitivity from you. No one looks good here.

My best friend is a man and IMO part of the deal is going out of your way to respect his relationship. E.g. keeping comms open with his partner, doing things with both of them, and being conscious of boundaries and not doing anything that could appear iffy. You're friends with him but need to be at least friendly with her.

And on the other side, I know my male friend has worked on a) reassuring his partner and keeping good boundaries incl being open and honest, and b) being firm that I am just a friend and it's not fair to stop him having friends.

b) on its own is not enough. It has to be combined with all the other stuff too or it's just being shitty to her, especially when she may have reasons to be insecure i.e. his history with other women.

I'm not sure your situation is salvageable TBH. It has been badly managed by everyone and it would be very difficult to make her feel OK about your friendship.

LuaDipa · 09/04/2022 13:32

She’s very controlling and he needs to tackle that. But I would stay well out of it until it’s sorted. I wouldn’t allow myself to become his dirty little secret, if he wants to continue the friendship he has to do so openly.

Yousexybugger · 09/04/2022 13:41

It could be that he's had previous, much less innocent 'friendships' with women hence her coming down so hard. We don't know her version of events or why he has agreed to this. Could be that she is controlling.

In terms of who is in the wrong, going on what you know, I would say him. He should have either managed this with her and explained that no, nothing untoward is going on with you and he will be keeping the friendship- perhaps introduce you both and keep it in the open, or stick to what he has agreed. I think he's put both you and his wife in an unfair position. She could be in the wrong, again, taking the version you've heard at face value.

You're not in the wrong but I wouldn't want to be involved in this. I wouldn't want to be anyone's secret, especially when you're just having a platonic friendship. I might let him know that I'd happily pick things back up when he was ready to be transparent, but that I didn't want to be part of anything furtive. If there is an element of control from her then he needs to address this or seek help.

Christinatherabbit · 09/04/2022 13:42

If my marriage was going through a rough patch and wasn't strong and my husband was messaging and going to walks and coffee with a woman from work it would probably make me feel uncomfortable as well

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