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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong here - him or her? Me?

155 replies

namechange58928585 · 09/04/2022 13:00

Name changed just as not to be identifiable.

Good friend of mine, a male colleague from 2 years ago. We've always got on well and kept in touch after his leaving - mostly via text but have met very occasionally for a walk or coffee.

My partner is aware and my relationship is OK. His partner had an issue with it (not sure how aware she was of the detail of the friendship but she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again)

It's definitely friendship, but not sure anyone can reassure her - she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

I can 100% confirm he has never made a move or been inappropriate with me in the past. If she weren't so reactive about it all I'd assume there would be no need for the secrecy.

So if we remain friends, who is in the wrong here? His wife for having no trust in him and disallowing him female friends? Him for staying friendly with me when she's insecure about it? Me for wanting to stay in touch with my friend when my partner has no issue and they've even briefly met?

It's not an affair, nothing physical has happened. It's not anything beyond the same friendships I have with my female work friends from previous jobs. There's no extreme emotional attachment or anything like that but sometimes we do talk about our lives and offer advice. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with my other half seeing.

I'm just not sure who is being unreasonable - I like to think neither of us are, but appreciate he is now hiding this friendship from her.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 09/04/2022 14:34

She's unreasonable. I couldn't care less about going 'behind her back' because of that.
On the other hand, he is being unreasonable expecting you to keep his secret. He shouldn't have told you about that aspect of it because it's an unfair expectation on you to keep quiet about it.
I'd urge him to be a bit more assertive about it with his partner but I wouldn't stop being a friend - he probably needs one with a partner like his.

Gowithme · 09/04/2022 14:35

She doesn't trust him and he's happy to do things behind her back. He's saying he's prepared to risk his relationship to meet you to talk and have coffee - it's not a mess I'd want to be in the middle of. There are a gazillion other people you can be friends and go for coffee with, you really don't need the potential drama.

IncompleteSenten · 09/04/2022 14:35

He's being very unreasonable.
Either he does as she asks or he says no and she decides whether she wants to stay with him or not.
He's dragging you into this and that's not fair.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2022 14:42

She is being unreasonable. But of course you don’t know what previous experience that’s based on.

He’s accepted this from her, so of course he’s also being unreasonable for suggesting you both go behind her back. The fact he’s doing this rather than standing up to her does make me wonder the history.

You aren’t being unreasonable, but have some sense, back off and don’t entangle yourself in their weird dynamic. He’s not a best friend of 20 years, he’s a casual friend of a couple years. Message to wish him well and block.

Gowithme · 09/04/2022 14:44

I disagree with those saying she's being unreasonable because we haven't heard her side of the story. For all we know this bloke might spend all his time telling his partner how wonderful the OP is and not stop talking about her. He might come in from their coffees with a big smile on his face and have a face like a slapped arse the rest of the time. She might just have that gut feeling that he wants more than friendship from the OP and she might be right.

She might be wrong and it's all purely platonic but how are we to know? the fact that he's prepared to risk his relationship for the OP suggests to me at least that there might well be more to this.

FatCatThinCat · 09/04/2022 14:45

Well clearly she's right not to trust him as he isn't trust worthy.

FairyCakeWings · 09/04/2022 14:45

She’s the only one in the wrong for being that controlling

Lou98 · 09/04/2022 14:47

I think they're both being U.

She shouldn't be telling him who he can and can't be friends with. If she's not happy about it then she does of course have the choice to leave.
I'm assuming he doesn't have form for cheating etc since you've not mentioned it? That would change my opinion a bit.

However, he is also U for lying to her. If you agree to something in a relationship, you shouldn't then just go behind their back and do it anyway. If his friendship with you is innocent then he should be refusing to stop contact and she then has the choice to stay or leave. To agree but then go ahead and do it anyway would then make me question what else he's willing to lie about.

You are technically not doing anything wrong, however, I personally couldn't be friends with someone I knew was lying to their Wife/Husband about it. I also couldn't be bothered with the drama when she finds out frankly

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/04/2022 14:48

Everyone is.

Her for controlling demands.
Him for lying.
You for being complicit on the lie /not walking away from this.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 09/04/2022 14:48

No one knows what’s going on in their relationship. For all we know, he might have cheated and she is putting a full ban on any female friends. Being burnt once etc…

So I wouldn’t want to say whether she is unreasonable or not.

HE certainly is unreasonable ! I mean he is being deceitful and a lying twat.

You… I’d say YANBU to be happy to still keep a friendship with a man knowing you, your DH and him are comfortable with that. But YABU to keep a friendship with a twat. The fact he deceitful is who he is. If he is like this with his dwife, he’ll be like this with you if that works for him. You would be colluding with him in lying to his wife too.
And that is making you unreasonable Imo.

WhoWants2Know · 09/04/2022 14:49

It's all very well to say the wife is unreasonable and controlling, but there may be much more to it than that. It sounds like she may be the one at home minding their children while he's going for walks and getting coffee with someone else.

Does he take her out for walks and coffee? Does she get the chance to meet with her friends while he watches the kids?

Wykid · 09/04/2022 14:50

They both are

He should be allowed friends

He shouldn’t be keeping secrets from her, that’s unfair and a deal breaker

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 14:51

@KirstenBlest

Why on earth would any women be married to a man that is only friends with a female so that when she’s single he can make his move on her, at last?

Shocked at how many women are with men that they just don’t trust, it must be exhausting.

It a man is gonna cheat he’s gonna cheat, we can’t police his every single move and friendship to make sure you’re doing enough that he doesn’t cheat.

Id rather be with a man I can 100% trust around any woman then be worrying if I didn’t control him, he would wonder off and cheat.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 09/04/2022 14:51

@FatCatThinCat

Well clearly she's right not to trust him as he isn't trust worthy.
👆👆👆

Yep I agree with that.

He is saying she has trust issues and then goes and does the one thing to prove he can’t be trusted and she has every right to have trust issues Hmm

HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2022 14:54

she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

If my husband was telling another woman that, I’d be insecure and suspicious too.

5128gap · 09/04/2022 14:54

I don't know about him or her. Depends on the history. Often these women- befriending men with suspicious wives have a dubious track record, and it might well be the last straw.
You are wrong if you collude with his lies.

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2022 14:54

In every case like this the woman in your position has been the decoy. Usually they are cheating and set up a female friend as a decoy. He can't be trusted, as said, he's happy to lie to her, you'd be a fool for getting involved in this.

KirstenBlest · 09/04/2022 14:56

@Hertsgirl10, I've seen it happen time and again IRL.

Why on earth would any women be married to a man that is only friends with a female so that when she’s single he can make his move on her, at last?
It doesn't start out that way. They may be just friends but if the dynamic changes, there often will be an affair or EA. It's usually the cool wife who gets hurt

Neverreturntoathread · 09/04/2022 15:01

All of you ☹️

She’s being v unreasonable telling him he can’t have a female friend and handing out an ultimatum.

Her partner is being a scummy creep for lying to her about it.

You, if you continue with the friendship in these circumstances, are helping a man deceive the mother of his children on an issue that, to her, is absolutely key to whether or not she stays in the relationship. So that’s a pretty unpleasant thing for you to do.

If it’s just a casual friendship with the occasional coffee, with someone who’s lying to his partner, why not just bin it? Get a better friend?

Neverreturntoathread · 09/04/2022 15:02

Also, if you continue the friendship then when (not if) she eventually finds out, she’s going to go psycho at you for ‘mwhwt in her eyes is ‘stealing her man’. Best stay away and avoid the drama.

RedHelenB · 09/04/2022 15:04

It's a bit weird of him to have to keep your friendship secret, that ultimatum she gave was perfect for a man who is unhappy in his marriage and supposedly anxious to divorce. Sorry, but once you agree to keep this a secret, you are showing you're up for an affair imo. Leave being friends with him until it csn be above board.

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 15:05

[quote KirstenBlest]@Hertsgirl10, I've seen it happen time and again IRL.

Why on earth would any women be married to a man that is only friends with a female so that when she’s single he can make his move on her, at last?
It doesn't start out that way. They may be just friends but if the dynamic changes, there often will be an affair or EA. It's usually the cool wife who gets hurt[/quote]
@KirstenBlest

There’s nothing ‘cool wife’ about not controlling your husband, I can’t imagine my husband wanting to go for walks with a male friend or female friend but it wouldn’t make any difference to me either way.

If I was worried there was a change my fella would cheat, we wouldn’t be together.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/04/2022 15:07

I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce.

You say he's never been inappropriate with you, but clearly there have been some very detailed conversations about the state of his relationship. I think a lot of partners would be unhappy about that. This is not to say she can dictate to him, but to say that maybe other people would disagree about 'nothing inappropriate'.

MidnightMeltdown · 09/04/2022 15:17

she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again

This woman sounds like I nut job. If a partner tried to dictate to me that I'm not allowed to see a friend occasionally, then that would very much be the end of the relationship.

I really don't understand women who try to control a man as if he were a little kid. If he decides that he wants to go off with another women, then he will. You can't chain him to the house to keep him in a relationship.

Kite22 · 09/04/2022 15:18

She obviously has issues about trust. If there is any possible justification for that, we don't know, as we don't know her version of the story.
On the surface, it seems she is being controlling, and trying to dictate who her husband can be friends with, in which case she would be wrong.

He, however is completely wrong. He needs to either stop seeing you, or tell his wife that she can't dictate who he is friends with. If that means she actually leaves / divorces him, then I would suggest their marriage doesn't amount to much in the first place.

Whereas, in theory, I wouldn't hold any truck with someone else deciding who I can or can't be friends with, I think the fact he has told you he is lying to his wife in order to be able to see you shows that this is someone I probably don't want a friendship with. So, going on what you have said, I would not meet up with him alone until he has sorted his relationship out.