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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong here - him or her? Me?

155 replies

namechange58928585 · 09/04/2022 13:00

Name changed just as not to be identifiable.

Good friend of mine, a male colleague from 2 years ago. We've always got on well and kept in touch after his leaving - mostly via text but have met very occasionally for a walk or coffee.

My partner is aware and my relationship is OK. His partner had an issue with it (not sure how aware she was of the detail of the friendship but she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again)

It's definitely friendship, but not sure anyone can reassure her - she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

I can 100% confirm he has never made a move or been inappropriate with me in the past. If she weren't so reactive about it all I'd assume there would be no need for the secrecy.

So if we remain friends, who is in the wrong here? His wife for having no trust in him and disallowing him female friends? Him for staying friendly with me when she's insecure about it? Me for wanting to stay in touch with my friend when my partner has no issue and they've even briefly met?

It's not an affair, nothing physical has happened. It's not anything beyond the same friendships I have with my female work friends from previous jobs. There's no extreme emotional attachment or anything like that but sometimes we do talk about our lives and offer advice. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with my other half seeing.

I'm just not sure who is being unreasonable - I like to think neither of us are, but appreciate he is now hiding this friendship from her.

OP posts:
Kuachui · 09/04/2022 17:35

you need to back off. you being involved is creating issues so back off.he should always be picking her over some platonic relationship anyway and if he doesnt like it he can leave

Mariposista · 09/04/2022 17:36

She sounds like a nasty, controlling piece of work and he sounds weak.

Kuachui · 09/04/2022 17:38

@5128gap exactly!!!! actually agree here. i do think sometimes its controlling of course!! but most of the time it warrants having a bit of control in your relationship.

I allow my husband female friends but yes i keep tabs on them. someone becomes a little bit too friendly and damn right im pulling the plug and my husbands accepts and will do whatever to make me feel comfortable again and same to me too. i perposefully would never get too close to another man even platonically and im a gamer that games with lots of men

TheNameOfTheRoses · 09/04/2022 17:42

@PinkSyCo

So he leaves. But he shouldn't lie and sneak around.

He has been forced into that situation by his controlling wife. Why should he have to leave his home? If a man told his female partner either drop your friend or say goodbye to your kids and fuck off out of our home Mumsnet would be in uproar.

And therefore he has even more reason to leave.

Who would want to stay in a Relationship where their partner is controlling? The advice would to leave , not to stay and lie.

Btw the ‘he has been forced’…No one is forced to stay in a relationship . He might not have planned to be in that situation but he isn’t forced to be in one.

That’s, of course, assuming that she is controlling and jealous, nit reacting to his behaviour (eg he has been lying to her before, he has been cheating, he isn’t trustworthy, all possibilities seeing the way he is acting NOW - lying to her and expecting the OP to be complicit in the lying and disrespect)

Orangutanteddy · 09/04/2022 17:47

Going against the grain here but I wouldn't be happy about my husband going for walks and coffees with another woman. To me that sounds more intimate than a friendship. My husband wouldn't be happy if I was doing it either! I think you should back off and wish him well. Honestly, in my experience, the only reason a man will be very adamant about continuing a 'friendship' is because they're trying to get into your pants. Cynical but my experience. I think you might even know this and be enjoying the attention.

Blackberrybunnet · 09/04/2022 17:49

You can choose to be friends with whosoever you please. If he wants a peaceful marriage, he should bow to his wife's (albeit a bit unreasonable) request. By keeping the friendship a secret, he IBU. However, knowing all of this, if I were you I'd back off. Never be sucked into a husband/wife issue. You will be hurt in the end.

gannett · 09/04/2022 17:50

Fair enough. If the alternative is having to smile stoically like a 1950s housewife while waving off a man to do precisely what he fancies, including badmouthing me to another woman, I'll take that.

The alternative is to leave him and not be in that relationship at all, rather than add to the pit of toxicity with controlling behaviour.

I can't comprehend how so many people think "keeping tabs" on your partner's friendships is remotely acceptable. It has never occurred to me to do it, and if a man did it to me I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2022 17:52

The alternative is to leave him and not be in that relationship at all, rather than add to the pit of toxicity with controlling behaviour.

Telling your partner your red lines is fine. Rather than have them have to repeatedly guess what they are or you'll leave them.

People have different boundaries. And knowing them is a good idea.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 17:52

If the alternative is having to smile stoically like a 1950s housewife while waving off a man to do precisely what he fancies, including badmouthing me to another woman, I'll take that

That’s not the alternative though, is it? It’s to discontinue a relationship where you are so obviously disrespected.

If I have to issue ultimatums and demands to get my husband to treat me decently then I don’t want him.

SueSaid · 09/04/2022 17:54

Must be more to it op. Perhaps she's seen the texts and doesn't buy the friendship story, are the messages flirty for example or just chats?

If it is just 'how are you/ work is busy/ isn't it nice out' then yes I agree, she is a bit controlling, I bet her side doesn't quite match yours though.

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/04/2022 17:56

@gannett

Fair enough. If the alternative is having to smile stoically like a 1950s housewife while waving off a man to do precisely what he fancies, including badmouthing me to another woman, I'll take that.

The alternative is to leave him and not be in that relationship at all, rather than add to the pit of toxicity with controlling behaviour.

I can't comprehend how so many people think "keeping tabs" on your partner's friendships is remotely acceptable. It has never occurred to me to do it, and if a man did it to me I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

I agree with this. If it got to the point that I felt like I needed to keep tabs on friendships, I’d end the relationship. That cannot be a happy way for her to be living, and I doubt it ever works out.
cunningartificer · 09/04/2022 17:56

I'm intrigued by all that he's telling you about her, and her jealousy. I wonder if it's true, or if he's testing to see how invested you are in the relationship? You do seem to know a lot about his unhappy marriage... someone negging another woman to you in my experience is often not a very good partner. If you go ahead and you meet him 'in secret' that seems to me to have emotional affair written all over it.

If I had a friend of either sex who'd told me their partner didn't want them to see me but they wanted to meet in secret I think I'd back away from all the drama llama business and spend time with other friends until they sorted themselves out. But I do wonder if she hasn't so much 'forbidden' him as said she's not happy about it, and he's painting himself as the poor oppressed one. He's a liar and I don't think he sounds like as good friend to you or to his wife.

5128gap · 09/04/2022 17:59

@gannett

Fair enough. If the alternative is having to smile stoically like a 1950s housewife while waving off a man to do precisely what he fancies, including badmouthing me to another woman, I'll take that.

The alternative is to leave him and not be in that relationship at all, rather than add to the pit of toxicity with controlling behaviour.

I can't comprehend how so many people think "keeping tabs" on your partner's friendships is remotely acceptable. It has never occurred to me to do it, and if a man did it to me I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.

To be fair to the woman, she has said she will do exactly that. Only she won't get the opportunity will she? As rather than saying to her, no, I will walk with who I wish, and accepting the consequences, he's decided to sneak around and lie, so she doesn't end the marriage. Which is quite odd of him as she's meant to be so insufferable. My money's on him being on borrowed time with her, and he's got OP marked out as the fall back.
SueSaid · 09/04/2022 18:06

'If I had a friend of either sex who'd told me their partner didn't want them to see me but they wanted to meet in secret I think I'd back away from all the drama llama business and spend time with other friends until they sorted themselves out'

Yes it all does like too much hard work.

I mean seriously, he just wants a 'friendship' just without her knowledge, staying for the kids? It's a bit of a cliche isn't it. He'll be telling her his wife doesn't understand him next.

CallMeDaddy58 · 09/04/2022 18:11

It funny how people think she’s unreasonable for not trusting her husband to have a female friend, yet she is clearly right because he wants to have a secret relationship with you behind her back.

Think what this would mean in practice? He will have to lie to her about where he’s going and what he’s doing. If he’s willing to do that I don’t blame the wife for having trust issues.

You have no idea the intricacies of why she doesn’t trust him but you do know he is happy to lie to his wife. It sounds like he has previous tbh.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/04/2022 18:28

I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

This stood out to me as well

None of this is your fault, OP (unless you've encouraged him to criticise his wife) but I wouldn't be happy either if my OH was sharing that kind of emotional intimacy with someone else
Only you know him, but while it could be he wants a shoulder to cry on, it may also be the start of "I'm not really married so ..."

MichelleScarn · 09/04/2022 19:08

@JaniieJones

'If I had a friend of either sex who'd told me their partner didn't want them to see me but they wanted to meet in secret I think I'd back away from all the drama llama business and spend time with other friends until they sorted themselves out'

Yes it all does like too much hard work.

I mean seriously, he just wants a 'friendship' just without her knowledge, staying for the kids? It's a bit of a cliche isn't it. He'll be telling her his wife doesn't understand him next.

Exactly! And no-one understands him like OP!
2bazookas · 09/04/2022 19:30

Well, he's told you that he would go behind his wifes back for another woman, you. Even though he knows it would put his marriage at risk.
He doesn't give a damn about hurting her.

So it's pretty likely this is not new in their relationship, there have been previous instances of him lying and deceiving her to spend time with another women. THAT's why she's suspicious of you and insecure and has finally given him a divorce ultimatum.

He's a manipulative liar with no integrity or loyalty, and you would put another couples marriage at risk for a short-term casual platonic relationship with the rat. You and he are being very unreasonable.

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 21:13

@5128gap
I get what you’re saying but life is too short to stay with a partner that you don’t trust, the second that I feel I had to control who they spoke to, or the other way around, for me that relationship would be over.

5128gap · 09/04/2022 21:20

[quote Hertsgirl10]@5128gap
I get what you’re saying but life is too short to stay with a partner that you don’t trust, the second that I feel I had to control who they spoke to, or the other way around, for me that relationship would be over.[/quote]
Yes, and I get that too. Because I think often when women feel the need to do that, it's because they have reason. And having reason would probably be enough for me to end it too.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/04/2022 21:27

She's got the measure of him hasnt she?

He's fine with lying to her about this... what else?

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 22:02

When you get into a relationship with someone the whole “my ex was controlling/crazy/hysterical/a nightmare” line is incredibly common from men who were shits to their exes.

This one is quite happy to lie to his wife and paint her as the unreasonable one, conveniently ignoring that he’s doing something his wife will be upset with and putting the Op in the middle of their drama.

He’s also painting the “you’re too important to me to lose” flattery line.

It may very well be one of the minority cases of abuse where it is the male who is the victim, but it may also be - and is more likely to be - the case that the OP’s friend is on his absolute last warning with his wife who is sick of his lies and friendships with women that he prioritises over their relationship.

Don’t fall for the flattery unless you want to be in the middle of the drama Op.

LizzoBennett · 10/04/2022 01:54

All of you. She is the most unreasonable but he is unreasonable for being deceptive and you would be least unreasonable (but still unreasonable) to knowingly continue speaking to him when you know it could break up a family.

milkyaqua · 10/04/2022 01:59

The fact he feels prepared to lie to her about seeing you in secret makes it sound as if the friendship is potentially something more in his eyes.

If she feels uncomfortable, she feels uncomfortable, and his loyalty should really lie with her as the woman he married.

nokidshere · 10/04/2022 02:07

(but I don't know her to get the full picture)

This sentence is the problem though isn't it? You have no idea what she has or hasn't said, what he has or hasn't done, what their relationship is like beyond what he has told you. He's already lying to her, maybe he's lying to you too? Also, why would he tell you that you have to meet in secret because his wife says you can't be friends? He could meet you without giving you that information. He's painting his wife in a very bad light to you and expecting you to be complicit in his deception.

This all sounds like a modern version of 'my wife doesn't understand me'.

I'd steer well clear.