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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who's in the wrong here - him or her? Me?

155 replies

namechange58928585 · 09/04/2022 13:00

Name changed just as not to be identifiable.

Good friend of mine, a male colleague from 2 years ago. We've always got on well and kept in touch after his leaving - mostly via text but have met very occasionally for a walk or coffee.

My partner is aware and my relationship is OK. His partner had an issue with it (not sure how aware she was of the detail of the friendship but she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again)

It's definitely friendship, but not sure anyone can reassure her - she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

I can 100% confirm he has never made a move or been inappropriate with me in the past. If she weren't so reactive about it all I'd assume there would be no need for the secrecy.

So if we remain friends, who is in the wrong here? His wife for having no trust in him and disallowing him female friends? Him for staying friendly with me when she's insecure about it? Me for wanting to stay in touch with my friend when my partner has no issue and they've even briefly met?

It's not an affair, nothing physical has happened. It's not anything beyond the same friendships I have with my female work friends from previous jobs. There's no extreme emotional attachment or anything like that but sometimes we do talk about our lives and offer advice. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with my other half seeing.

I'm just not sure who is being unreasonable - I like to think neither of us are, but appreciate he is now hiding this friendship from her.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 09/04/2022 13:47

She's unreasonable but no doubt most posters will think she's completely right to control his friendships.

Except that is rarely the case.

@namechange58928585 only you can decide what you want to do. I wouldn’t feel comfortable about spending time with someone if their partner didn’t want them to. If he is willing to deceive his partner, is he also willing to deceive me? Whatever is going on in their relationship wouldn’t be something I’d want to be a part of.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2022 13:48

Urgh I'd be backing away. He is deliberately lying to his wife whether her demands are unreasonable or not. Do you want to be named in their divorce?

insancerre · 09/04/2022 13:50

He has no respect for his partner if he is prepared to see you behind her back
Even if it just a friendship, why is he prepared to risk his relationship to continue seeing you? Are you sure it’s purely platonic on his side?

Nocutenamesleft · 09/04/2022 13:53

Not you at all!!

I’m horrified people are saying it is

If this was a female friendship would you say to back off??? If someone’s husband said you’re never to speak to your female friend again?!?

My best friend is male. I’ve been married years. My husband knows him. I’d be devastated if he told me to never see him again!! I totally understand why

MichelleScarn · 09/04/2022 13:53

So is all the how dreadful she coming directly from him to you? How she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children
Hmm

FirstTimeMum6666 · 09/04/2022 13:53

She has every right to feel this way! I'm sure you would if your partner was close to another woman! But the guy needs to man up and say he will still be friends with you because if she finds out you two are still "secretly " friends then it looks like a very sus affair.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/04/2022 13:55

@HollowTalk

I think a lot of women wouldn't be happy with their partner going off for walks and coffee with another woman. Does he want to compound that by meeting in secret?
Why?!?

Wouldn’t bother me at all. I have complete trust in my husband. As he does with me. He’s got female friends and they are lovely!

montysma1 · 09/04/2022 13:55

Well there relationship. problems are her problem as she is clearly contributing to them.
If the husband is prepared to put a friendship then there is a problem. If its a secret friendship...... x100.

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 14:00

He’s been caught wanking at your pics or she’s a total nutter.

If its that innocent then he wouldn’t agree to cutting ties with you surely? I don’t get why women hate their partners having females friends unless there’s been an issue with the friend in the past.

It’s controlling to forbid a person to see another person, why would he agree anyway to that? Have you asked him.

Vsirbdo · 09/04/2022 14:00

In the main him for keeping it a secret; it seems odd on her part but you don’t know it from her point of view as you say.
In all honesty though I’m not sure I’d still keep up the friendship with him as i couldn’t be doing with the drama when (and there’s always a when) she finds out

Hutchy16 · 09/04/2022 14:04

Everyone is unreasonable. She has an excuse, he is clearly happy to lie to her and sneak around so of course she is going to be concerned about your friendship. But you and he both have no excuse, walk away

Madrenetterhere · 09/04/2022 14:05

He is unreasonable but you will be too if you continue the friendship knowing its now a secret and against his wife's wishes. Try and put yourself in her shoes. If all your relationship consists of a few texts occasionally and the odd meet up for a walk or coffee I would wonder why this man is risking his marriage and family for that? What I mean to say is, you see this as a platonic relationship, but I would wager he doesn't.

gamerchick · 09/04/2022 14:10

I wouldn't touch that with a 10ft pole OP. Tell him you won't be someone's secret and wish him well. Definitely have no part of it.

Grapewrath · 09/04/2022 14:11

He is the problem for remaining in a controlling relationship with his wife tbh. I wouldn’t continue the friendship in secret though because I’d want to be well out of that fucked up dynamic

Grapewrath · 09/04/2022 14:13

I think it’s bizarre that people are justifying the wife’s behaviour tbh. It’s not ok to not allow your partner friends of the opposite sex.

KirstenBlest · 09/04/2022 14:19

You all are

MulberryBush700 · 09/04/2022 14:20

It's Him.

He needs to be an adult about this and ultimately has two options.

1.) He can come to you and say that his wife (rightly or wrongly - I don't know) doesn't approve, and your friendship is not worth making her miserable and upset. Tells you goodbye and gets on with his life and you with yours. However they deal with the wife's insecurities after that is between them.

2.) He can also tell his wife that she is being unreasonable and he is to carry on his friendship with you regardless how it makes the wife feel and she needs to sort out her insecurities and unfounded jealousies. Whatever the wife does after that (divorce, gets counselling) is down to her.

Under no circumstances should you get involved and him lying to the wife and making the friendship a secret is wrong, whether she is being unreasonable or not. It's for them to sort out - in either one of the ways I mentioned above. Anything else and it soon becomes deceitful.

KirstenBlest · 09/04/2022 14:22

@Grapewrath

I think it’s bizarre that people are justifying the wife’s behaviour tbh. It’s not ok to not allow your partner friends of the opposite sex.
No, it is not, but chances are when there is this sort of dynamic, should the female friend becoes single, the male friend makes a move
MulberryBush700 · 09/04/2022 14:22

@Grapewrath

I think it’s bizarre that people are justifying the wife’s behaviour tbh. It’s not ok to not allow your partner friends of the opposite sex.
Yes, but it's up to him to him to deal with his wife's supposedly u reasonable behaviour and the solutions is not that he lies to her. He either tells the wife that she is being ridiculous and carries on with his friendship with the OP or tells the OP goodbye and deals with his wife completely separately afterwards. It's not OK to lie.
MulberryBush700 · 09/04/2022 14:24

*unreasonable

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/04/2022 14:24

She is unreasonable to make such an ultimatum.

He is unreasonable for agreeing to it and then lying.

JustLyra · 09/04/2022 14:24

@Grapewrath

I think it’s bizarre that people are justifying the wife’s behaviour tbh. It’s not ok to not allow your partner friends of the opposite sex.
There’s not a single post that I can see saying it’s fine and dandy.

Just some folks pointing out that there’s a reason for it (either she’s controlling or he’s given her reason to be wary) and sneaking around is not the answer to any of those reasons.

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 14:24

I’d stay well out of it OP.

WhoWants2Know · 09/04/2022 14:26

I think the wife has explained very clearly where her boundaries are. It doesn't really matter whether you feel anything inappropriate would ever happen. Something about your friendship has made her feel that her marriage can't continue at the same time as the friendship.

What her husband does with that information is up to him, but he needs to be prepared to accept the consequences of his actions. He's kidding himself if he thinks he can carry on and hide the friendship.

MrsWinters · 09/04/2022 14:33

She is being unreasonable, no one should ever try to control their partner and dictate who they can and can’t be friends with.
Personally even though she’s in the wrong I’d back off-you don’t want to be seen to be the reason why their marriage breaks down. Just be there for your friend when it inevitably hits the skids, she sounds like a right cow