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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong here - him or her? Me?

155 replies

namechange58928585 · 09/04/2022 13:00

Name changed just as not to be identifiable.

Good friend of mine, a male colleague from 2 years ago. We've always got on well and kept in touch after his leaving - mostly via text but have met very occasionally for a walk or coffee.

My partner is aware and my relationship is OK. His partner had an issue with it (not sure how aware she was of the detail of the friendship but she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again)

It's definitely friendship, but not sure anyone can reassure her - she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

I can 100% confirm he has never made a move or been inappropriate with me in the past. If she weren't so reactive about it all I'd assume there would be no need for the secrecy.

So if we remain friends, who is in the wrong here? His wife for having no trust in him and disallowing him female friends? Him for staying friendly with me when she's insecure about it? Me for wanting to stay in touch with my friend when my partner has no issue and they've even briefly met?

It's not an affair, nothing physical has happened. It's not anything beyond the same friendships I have with my female work friends from previous jobs. There's no extreme emotional attachment or anything like that but sometimes we do talk about our lives and offer advice. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with my other half seeing.

I'm just not sure who is being unreasonable - I like to think neither of us are, but appreciate he is now hiding this friendship from her.

OP posts:
MangyInseam · 09/04/2022 15:19

I think it depends on whether she has a good reason to be suspicious of him, which you probably won't know.

If she does, than he is going to have to do more than normal to regain her trust. If not, she is being unreasonable.

In that case he really ought to hash it out with her, but that can be easier said than done if one person won't even reconsider. At that point he needs to think, is she just funny about this and I need to pull back on friendships with other women - if it's a very casual friendship that might be best. Or maybe end it. But - he might not be willing to do that for the kids sake - he feels trapped but unwilling to comply with her dictates. Which is understandable but not a good situation.

In your position OP I would probably pull back, and tell him to look you up if he gets things in order one way or another with his wife.

lemongreentea · 09/04/2022 15:22

...he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

Well he's a liar and a coward. Lying to his wife and a coward as this sounds to me as his way of making your back away and end the friendship.

And if he's lying to her about this goodness knows what other things he lies about. You say you are happy with your partner and other friendship so what is this one friend bringing to your life except drama and exposing himself as a liar.

Stay friends with him in secret or back away from the friendship but I would just leave them to it as they both seem as bad as each other. Unless you thrive off others peoples drama filled relationships?

MidnightMeltdown · 09/04/2022 15:23

@Totalwasteofpaper

Everyone is.

Her for controlling demands.
Him for lying.
You for being complicit on the lie /not walking away from this.

I don't agree with this. This guys wife has basically forced him to lie by giving him an ultimatum and telling him that he's not allowed to see his friend. That's completely unreasonable. He clearly needs to leave this women.

urbanbuddha · 09/04/2022 15:25

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce.

There will probably be a divorce anyway. It'll just happen later rather than sooner.
Stay out of it and tell your friend sorry, you don't feel comfortable with the situation.

TabithaTittlemouse · 09/04/2022 15:29

All of you tbh.
Him- he’s lying to his dp.
Her- dictating who he can be friends with (although maybe she has reasons not to trust him)
You- if you plan on continuing the relationship knowing that he’s lying by seeing you.

The bit about their relationship not being strong and being together for the children is usually a line used by people that want to cheat. Maybe he has different ideas about your relationship.

Obelisk · 09/04/2022 15:31

She obviously feels she can't trust him and, as his first reaction was to deceive her, she's right. I'd steer clear.

5128gap · 09/04/2022 15:34

[quote Hertsgirl10]@KirstenBlest

Why on earth would any women be married to a man that is only friends with a female so that when she’s single he can make his move on her, at last?

Shocked at how many women are with men that they just don’t trust, it must be exhausting.

It a man is gonna cheat he’s gonna cheat, we can’t police his every single move and friendship to make sure you’re doing enough that he doesn’t cheat.

Id rather be with a man I can 100% trust around any woman then be worrying if I didn’t control him, he would wonder off and cheat.[/quote]
The majority of women who are cheated on trusted their partner. Men aren't divided neatly into the sort who cheat and the sort who don't, many move with relative ease from one group to the other, dependent on temptation and opportunity. They also don't wear a sign telling you which group they're in at any given moment, so you are left to draw your own conclusions based on their behaviour. You trust your partner 100% because you've been given no reason not to. If he started to behave in a way that seemed suspicious to you, and you had any sense, you would withdraw that trust until you were reassured, or otherwise. The wife in this case is clearly in that position, and we have no means of knowing she is not justified.

Beautiful3 · 09/04/2022 15:34

She's being unreasonable. Think I'd carry on as normal. If the genders were reversed and it was a woman being isolated from male friends, that would be frowned upon, and seen as controlling. I'd still be his friend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2022 15:36

@HeddaGarbled

she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

If my husband was telling another woman that, I’d be insecure and suspicious too.

This. I mean she's right. He's going outside their marriage emotionally, sharing very disloyal things with you. And you're supporting it. But he would be wrong to lie.

So the answer is... everyone except your partner is unreasonable.

WonderfulYou · 09/04/2022 15:36

Obviously the wife is being very unreasonable and as his friend I would be telling him how controlling she is and that he shouldn’t stay with her.

I do feel sorry for him but I couldn’t be bothered with being dragged into the drama.

My work colleague had a wife like this and when she found out about me she made him change jobs simply because we are a similar age and the opposite sex and in her head that meant there was too much of a possibility we would end up having an affair one day, even though neither of us would and we never spoke or met out of work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2022 15:37

Oh and I had similar with a male friend with an 'insecure and jealous' wife. Guess what, the bloke admitted feelings for me years later. She was right.

5128gap · 09/04/2022 15:41

@WonderfulYou

Obviously the wife is being very unreasonable and as his friend I would be telling him how controlling she is and that he shouldn’t stay with her.

I do feel sorry for him but I couldn’t be bothered with being dragged into the drama.

My work colleague had a wife like this and when she found out about me she made him change jobs simply because we are a similar age and the opposite sex and in her head that meant there was too much of a possibility we would end up having an affair one day, even though neither of us would and we never spoke or met out of work.

How very sisterly of you. I wonder how you'd feel if you had a male partner with a female friend who was trying to turn him against you, after hearing only one side of the story?
Eatprayrun · 09/04/2022 15:48

@HeddaGarbled

she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

If my husband was telling another woman that, I’d be insecure and suspicious too.

Me too. OP, would you be happy if your DH was telling a fairly new female friend about your marital difficulties if you had any?
MardyOldGoth · 09/04/2022 15:49

She's unreasonable for demanding that he cut contact with a friend. He's unreasonable for agreeing to it and going behind her back. You're not doing anything wrong but I'd still recommend running in the opposite direction as it won't end well and you'll be the fall guy.

WonderfulYou · 09/04/2022 15:52

How very sisterly of you. I wonder how you'd feel if you had a male partner with a female friend who was trying to turn him against you, after hearing only one side of the story?

Just because we’re both female I’m not going to support someone who is controlling because it’s the ‘sisterly’ thing to do.

If a male came on here saying he wants to stop his wife from seeing her male friend then I’d say the exact same thing.
It’s controlling and you either trust your partner or you don’t.

I personally couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t trust me.

CrystalCoco · 09/04/2022 15:53

I've been in the situation your friend is in and it's not a fun place to be at all. It was endless sulks and tantrums from my partner if I mentioned I was seeing my friend and in the end it just wasn't worth telling the truth - and I wasn't prepared to give up my friendship / be told who I could or couldn't see.

My friend didn't like being a secret but understood that I was dealing with a jealous and insecure partner so he remained available as a friend to me for which I'm eternally grateful - he's still a friend 20 years later, and the partner is most definitely an EX!

I'd stick with your friend, it sounds like he's in a tough position.

5128gap · 09/04/2022 16:04

@WonderfulYou

How very sisterly of you. I wonder how you'd feel if you had a male partner with a female friend who was trying to turn him against you, after hearing only one side of the story?

Just because we’re both female I’m not going to support someone who is controlling because it’s the ‘sisterly’ thing to do.

If a male came on here saying he wants to stop his wife from seeing her male friend then I’d say the exact same thing.
It’s controlling and you either trust your partner or you don’t.

I personally couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t trust me.

Yeah, it's not about not unconditionally supporting other women. It's about not unconditionally supporting a man against another woman, and trotting about the enabler's cliche 'controlling' every time another woman wants to set boundaries within her relationship. These women 'friends' who these men confide in, 9 times out of ten are being played like a fiddle by them. They're just too flattered to see it.
Peoniesandcream · 09/04/2022 16:07

I can't stand people who are so insecure they don't believe people can be just friends and dictate another person's actions. He needs to get rid of her.

godmum56 · 09/04/2022 16:08

nobody is in the wrong but how the couple deal with their relationship is not up to you BUT I would feel that I didn't want to be someone's secret and I don't like the idea of colluding with someone hiding a friendship from their partner. That's actually the bit that feels wrong to me. For me dishonesty and deceit are dealbreakers in relationships and friendships.

Incapacitated · 09/04/2022 16:10

Why would you add tension to someone else's marriage when children are involved? No it's not your fault but I still think it's for them to sort out. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable meeting up with someone who was lying to his wife about it. I know I wouldn't, really.

TedMullins · 09/04/2022 16:13

People saying he’s been disloyal… it’s normal to talk to friends about relationship issues isn’t it? I mean it certainly is in my world. Who else are you meant to talk to for advice and an outside view? Not everyone can afford relationship counselling. Maybe he is spinning a yarn and wants to make his wife out to be the bad guy but I don’t think him discussing his issues with a friend is a red flag at all, it’s better than subscribing to toxic notions about men never discussing feelings!

What he needs to do though is leave the relationship if it’s that bad and controlling. He’s just asking you to be complicit in his drama and that is the problem. I would just let him know you’ll be around to talk if/when they split up/

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2022 16:14

People saying he’s been disloyal… it’s normal to talk to friends about relationship issues isn’t it? I mean it certainly is in my world.

"God DH pissed me off this morning with the dishes"? Fine.

"I'd leave if it wasn't for the kids and DH doesn't know"? Not fine.

NeedleNoodle3 · 09/04/2022 16:15

He’s probably got form for a previous emotional affair or full blown affair hence the wife’s behaviour (according to the H). I’d end the friendship.

Lou98 · 09/04/2022 16:20

@MidnightMeltdown
This guys wife has basically forced him to lie by giving him an ultimatum and telling him that he's not allowed to see his friend. That's completely unreasonable. He clearly needs to leave this women.

What BS - nobody is forced to lie. Yes his wife is very U for wanting him to end the friendship, however, she they either end the friendship or break up - he could have said no, I want to keep being her friend and if that meant the wife left then so be it or he could have ended the friendship. There's no justification for lying - she never "forced" him, he had choices but chose to have the best of both worlds by keeping his wife and friendship

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 16:24

She is being unreasonable for using blackmail to control her husband, he is being unreasonable to a lesser degree for taking the easy option of pretending he’s ended your friendship rather than tell her straight that he chooses his friends not her. You are not being unreasonable as you have no loyalty to an unreasonable woman that you don’t even know.

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