Who's in the wrong here - him or her? Me?

[namechange58928585]

Name changed just as not to be identifiable.

Good friend of mine, a male colleague from 2 years ago. We've always got on well and kept in touch after his leaving - mostly via text but have met very occasionally for a walk or coffee.

My partner is aware and my relationship is OK. His partner had an issue with it (not sure how aware she was of the detail of the friendship but she decided it couldn't possibly be friendship and he wasn't to contact me again)

It's definitely friendship, but not sure anyone can reassure her - she seems quite insecure and suspicious of him. I am aware their relationship isn't strong and a big part of their staying together is the children (but I don't know her to get the full picture)

Anyway - he has been told zero contact with me or there will be a divorce. This is where I'm uncertain who is doing wrong. He's said fine to her on this, however still wants a friendship with me, just without her knowledge.

I can 100% confirm he has never made a move or been inappropriate with me in the past. If she weren't so reactive about it all I'd assume there would be no need for the secrecy.

So if we remain friends, who is in the wrong here? His wife for having no trust in him and disallowing him female friends? Him for staying friendly with me when she's insecure about it? Me for wanting to stay in touch with my friend when my partner has no issue and they've even briefly met?

It's not an affair, nothing physical has happened. It's not anything beyond the same friendships I have with my female work friends from previous jobs. There's no extreme emotional attachment or anything like that but sometimes we do talk about our lives and offer advice. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with my other half seeing.

I'm just not sure who is being unreasonable - I like to think neither of us are, but appreciate he is now hiding this friendship from her.

Can you not just cool the friendship now and resume it when he gets divorced?

He will get divorced. She sounds controlling and insecure but perhaps he was given hervteadon to be too. You never truly know what goes on it other people's relationships.

I would hate her ultimatum but there's no way I would ever be part of a man disrespecting his wife and that's what he is doing by continuing to see you against her wishes, even if she is crazy.

Certainly not her

@NeedleNoodle3

I'd bet money that if a man told his wife she couldn't be friends with someone, you'd realise that controlling and possessive behaviour can indeed come from thin air (or at least, from his own toxic personality rather than his partner's actions)a.a.z

Unreasonably jealous people, men and women, are all too fucking common. Bin them all off is what I say. I have had to tell too many friends (both sexes) that over the years, I'm sick of them
Fair enough, I guess I was thinking of a couple of friends who aren’t at all jealous or controlling but have had enough of their DH’s becoming friends with women at work, helping them and then gradually crossing the line.

If their husbands keep ‘crossing the line’ then he can’t be trusted and they should leave him. Policing his friendships won’t stop him, he’ll just find ways to do it in secret.

@MrsTerryPratchett

People saying he’s been disloyal… it’s normal to talk to friends about relationship issues isn’t it? I mean it certainly is in my world.

"God DH pissed me off this morning with the dishes"? Fine.

"I'd leave if it wasn't for the kids and DH doesn't know"? Not fine.

I completely disagree. If someone feels like they want to leave a relationship but can’t, for whatever reason, do that immediately, they need their friends more than ever. Yes, of course they should be discussing issues with the partner as well, but when abuse or control is involved it isn’t that easy, is it? I know I told my friends I wanted to dump my last bf and discussed it with them for advice before I actually did it.

Funny how the friend he absolutely must discuss it with is the one to whom he might, at least in his wife's opinion, be attracted isn't it? Not his best mate, brother, sister, cousin, dad, male colleague... No, the only possible confident for this poor unhappy controlled man is a woman he worked with two years ago who he meets for the odd coffee and texts now and again.