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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
always2tired · 09/04/2022 11:28

@PowerhouseOfTheCell

Honestly people who say ‘oh I took my baby to a hen do, work review and skydiving and everyone loved seeing them’ are deluded. 99% if the time, no one actually wanted the baby there but were too polite to say
This. 💯
godmum56 · 09/04/2022 11:29

@BoredZelda

To those who suggested popping in or leaving early if baby doesn’t settle etc, if it was closer to home this would be an option but I have to commit to a 3 hour round journey.

Is the event in a hotel? If so, book a room and your husband comes too, then you pop up and feed when you need to. We did this for my BIL’s wedding, my mum came and babysat, I went to feed when required.

OP has already said its not in the budget
RobynNora · 09/04/2022 11:29

@watcherintherye I was the poster who said it needs to be normalised. I agree it’s hard and hand on heart I wouldn’t and would probably just lose my seat at the table… but that’s not ideal considering women are so under represented at board level. OP seems game and maybe her baby is chill and quiet as some are. She’d be setting an amazing example in my opinion.

It seems like a big deal for her to go so why not. She’s a nursing mum who also happens to hold a trustee position.

Usually even no kid weddings make an exception for mums nursing very little newborns so why the difference. If poster has four kids, that could total two years without a seat at the table - not to mention pregnancy.

SonicBroom · 09/04/2022 11:31

If you've money stay over in the very closest hotel and pop out to feed?

Agree with this. Staying nearby with DH there would be ideal even if it means baby cries for a bit.

2022 to me does not mean Mum bringing baby to adult dinner. It means Dad looking after baby so Mum can do something meaningful towards her career / hobby / family etc!

aurynne · 09/04/2022 11:34

An adult dinner. Your baby will likely need a nappy change at some point during dinner. If breastfed, it will likely throw up during dinner. I can't imagine anything that could ruin an adult dinner more than a baby, even if it's quiet. And if it's not quiet, then even worse.

Please don't do it to other people. it has nothing to do with feminism. It has to do with whether or not this is adequate and fair on others. Which is neither.

TheKeatingFive · 09/04/2022 11:36

I can't imagine this being very enjoyable tbh.

Unless Dad can stay nearby and you pop in and out to feed, I wouldn't.

KosherDill · 09/04/2022 11:37

@PowerhouseOfTheCell

Honestly people who say ‘oh I took my baby to a hen do, work review and skydiving and everyone loved seeing them’ are deluded. 99% if the time, no one actually wanted the baby there but were too polite to say

Exactly this.

People are anticipating a sophisticated adult night out.

SouthernFashionista · 09/04/2022 11:40

Totally inappropriate. Don’t be that woman. It’s only a few hours. You’ll be fine.

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 11:42

@Lottapianos

'I would be extremely pissed off is someone did this at a dinner I was attending.'

Same here. It's an adult event. Completely inappropriate to even ask to bring the baby

Agreed. OP, Please don’t it would ruin the whole atmosphere of the dinner. Either pass this time or like someone said bring DH and excuse yourself to take care of the baby.
Chasingaftermidnight · 09/04/2022 11:47

Personally, I wouldn’t give a stuff if a woman - who has presumably given up a lot of her time for free for this charity - brought her baby to an event like this. I honestly can’t imagine what sort of person would expect her to miss out when she’s donated her time because she has a baby. If the charity is for supporting babies and mothers I don’t think the attendees will be the kind of people who’ll think you’re ‘inappropriate and selfish’ - it would be slightly strange if they were.

But it doesn’t sound like it would be much fun for you. I have a baby the same age. He’s extremely chilled but I wouldn’t travel a long way to take him to this kind of event just because I think I’d find it stressful. So don’t put pressure on yourself to do it.

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/04/2022 11:51

I would be extremely pissed off is someone did this at a dinner I was attending

Sure - but I’m guessing you also wouldn’t be involved with a mother and baby charity?

StageRage · 09/04/2022 11:55

Being a Trustee is a volunteer position, not one you get paid maternity leave from.

It is possible to take a 3m baby with you and not make it the annoying centre of everyone else’s experience. Mine literally was pushed under the board roomtable (for the dark) and left to sleep. Cloth over pushchair hood at dinner. No fuss removal if noise. Avoid so-called performance parenting, and it isn’t a baby / parents get together so you don’t do baby talk, mutual coo-inge. Just look after baby in an efficient low fuss manner.

alphasox · 09/04/2022 11:59

Depends on the other trustees. I went to a similar thing with my 2 month old and everyone was thrilled to get a cuddle and I just left the room to feed him a couple of times. If you’re at all worried I would say sorry I can’t leave the baby and see what they say?

megletthesecond · 09/04/2022 12:04

It's fine. It's a tiddly baby in a sling not a marauding toddler. Just give them the heads up you're taking the baby.

WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 09/04/2022 12:12

@TrashyPanda

Totally inappropriate. This is an adult event. A baby would ruin things for everyone else.
Agree.
JustDanceAddict · 09/04/2022 12:15

No way! I breastfed my first, it would’ve been impossible for me to do this & I was nowhere near as martyrish as some mums I knew who wouldn’t take their babies out during nap time (mine would nap in car/buggy instead).
It doesn’t seem fair on anyone & it won’t be a relaxing time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/04/2022 12:20

I think in 20 or so years time, breastfeeding won’t be a thing.

I think it will have been phased out as it’s such an imposition on women. A bit like wearing heels, women are rebelling and seeking more equality and not putting themselves uncomfortable and restrictive things on account of their sex/gender. About time too!

thecatsthecats · 09/04/2022 12:22

I've put a friendly face on and cuddled babies whilst internally thinking "for God's sake".

You can't go off people's manners, or other people describing how "thrilled" people were to see their baby (because I've witnessed the parental lens in action and it's a tad delusional).

You can only go off what people say anonymously in this thread. Some people would like it. Some wouldn't.

MabelsApron · 09/04/2022 12:28

Ugh. I’ve been to Christmas dos, hen dos, and formal dinner events where people have done this and then said that everyone “just loved” having a cuddle. I hated it. Of course I was too polite to say so and when baby was passed around I did the necessary but honestly I was annoyed that once again what was supposed to be an adult evening was now entirely about someone’s baby. I can remember crying in the toilets on more than one occasion (infertility - I deal with it ok if I’m prepared but it’s hard if I’m not).

It’s like when people bring babies to the office - just drives me mad.

I assume this makes me anti-feminist or whatever but I don’t think it advances womens’ position at the top table to make professional or work events about their reproductive stasis.

Geezabreak82 · 09/04/2022 12:38

I've been a trustee for a number of charities and I would take baby along if I had to. I'd prefer to leave them behind though and have the evening to myself if at all possible. I'm interested to know which charity you are involved in that hosts private dining meals in London restaurants? Best I've ever had was dinner in the local bistro where we all covered our own bills!

Tryingtohelp23 · 09/04/2022 12:41

Whether you go to the dinner or not I really would start your baby on the occasional bottle even if only with a small amount of breast milk or cooled boiled water. At some point you will want or need to leave them with someone else and you need to know that they will accept milk from a bottle. If you leave it too long they may well refuse a bottle.
And don’t take the baby to the dinner - it’s for the outgoing chair, not for others to fuss or worry over your baby. Either go without the baby or give your apologies.

IsraelAndRoo · 09/04/2022 12:42

Please do it. As someone who used to work in this area (as a staff member) maternity discrimination was huge - it would be lovely if our trustees had led the way by doing something like this.

IsraelAndRoo · 09/04/2022 12:43

It's so funny how people are against this but totally all for Stella Creasy taking both her kids (at various times) to work with her... What a change in opinion since that outcry on mumsnet.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2022 12:44

It’s effectively a business meeting so, sorry, I don’t think that would be appropriate. You can’t know how baby may affect proceedings.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 09/04/2022 12:46

I had a similar thing with my new pet monkey. Took him the the Company Christmas do, and he was all over the place. Swinging from the decorations, ate all the fruit out of the large punchbowl, pulled Santa's beard off, ripped the wrapping off the raffle prizes and then urinated over the DJ's sound mixing desk.
It was an absolute nightmare. That said little monkey really enjoyed himself, so it wasn't all bad. Grin