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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
SonicBroom · 11/04/2022 10:36

Yes, right. 91% of people on here are misogynists who hate babies.

ProseccoStorm · 11/04/2022 10:59

I'm sorry but I'd agree that it's not appropriate. It's an adults dinner, and not somewhere I'd expect a baby to be.

Being a trustee is a professional undertaking, and I wouldn't take my baby to an evening work meeting, so wouldn't take it to this dinner.

maddy68 · 11/04/2022 11:22

It's absolutely not ok in my opinion

notwhatineednow · 11/04/2022 12:42

@SonicBroom

Yes, right. 91% of people on here are misogynists who hate babies.
We live in a misogynist society where the cards are stacked against women. If you've not become fully aware of this yet, enjoy living in a blissful bubble!
TheKeatingFive · 11/04/2022 13:01

Is it believable that 91% have absorbed some of the misogynistic messages from the society we live in? Of course.

SonicBroom · 11/04/2022 13:01

@notwhatineednow yawns

Lottapianos · 11/04/2022 13:25

I really don't get what is misogynist about acknowledging that some events are, or should be, adults only. Yes, I get that she's breastfeeding, which means she can't leave the baby. Unfortunately that also means that she can't attend adult only events, and I would say the same to any dad who planned to bring his baby along to the same dinner

CounsellorTroi · 11/04/2022 13:34

I think a lot of mothers just don’t get how much a baby being present at what is meant to be an adults only evening changes the dynamic.

TheKeatingFive · 11/04/2022 13:42

I would say the same to any dad who planned to bring his baby along to the same dinner

But no man would ever be in the OP's position.

I do sometimes wonder how much more breastfeeding supportive the world would be if men did it.

KosherDill · 11/04/2022 14:10

@Lottapianos

I really don't get what is misogynist about acknowledging that some events are, or should be, adults only. Yes, I get that she's breastfeeding, which means she can't leave the baby. Unfortunately that also means that she can't attend adult only events, and I would say the same to any dad who planned to bring his baby along to the same dinner
Agree.

There's nothing misogynistic about a sophisticated, formal, adults night out. Absurd to suggest that.

SecretSpAD · 11/04/2022 15:39

We live in a misogynist society where the cards are stacked against women. If you've not become fully aware of this yet, enjoy living in a blissful bubble!

I'm 51 years old. I know misogyny when I see it. I also know entitlement.

Surely it is sexist to assume that all women have to think alike because vagina? Or that all women must welcome babies everywhere at all times?

You go shouting misogyny at a simple difference of opinion and all you'll end up doing is missing the big issues that women face.

DoctorSnortles · 11/04/2022 15:53

No. It’s not misogyny - it’s just I don’t want your baby spoiling my evening out.

Lottapianos · 11/04/2022 15:53

'Or that all women must welcome babies everywhere at all times?'

Well said. I don't have children, and I get really sick and tired of 'women' being conflated with 'mothers' the whole time.

DoctorSnortles · 11/04/2022 15:58

I also think some folk would benefit from wrapping their heads around the fact that a significant proportion of the population aren’t interested in your baby. You think they are great and endlessly fascinating, because you are ther parent. We don’t all necessarily share your view.

Wnkingawalrus · 11/04/2022 17:30

@CounsellorTroi

I think a lot of mothers just don’t get how much a baby being present at what is meant to be an adults only evening changes the dynamic.
Which is amazing when you think about it as they’re the one it impacts the most!
Crazycrazylady · 11/04/2022 17:48

No
Honestly some events are adult business events and just because you can bring a baby it doesn't mean you should !!
Women in business have enough obstacles in their way and I honestly feel like business women who do this damage the perception for everyone else..I have three kids and when I'm in work I'm in work and I give it my full attention.

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/04/2022 18:30

@DoctorSnortles

No. It’s not misogyny - it’s just I don’t want your baby spoiling my evening out.
You are probably not suited to be trustee at a maternal and newborn baby charity with that viewpoint.
MajorCarolDanvers · 11/04/2022 18:31

@Crazycrazylady

No Honestly some events are adult business events and just because you can bring a baby it doesn't mean you should !! Women in business have enough obstacles in their way and I honestly feel like business women who do this damage the perception for everyone else..I have three kids and when I'm in work I'm in work and I give it my full attention.
It's not business though. It's a social engagement for trustees of a maternal and newborn baby charity.
SecretSpAD · 11/04/2022 18:34

It's not business though. It's a social engagement for trustees of a maternal and newborn baby charity.

I've been a trustee of three charities, one that involved children's health. Dinners are not completely social and no children were invited. I can't imagine any of our workers, volunteers and trustees ever thinking that it was appropriate to bring a child to any one of our meetings, dinners or other events that were not designed specifically for children (and those were the ones I found excuses to not attend!).

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/04/2022 18:41

@SecretSpAD

It's not business though. It's a social engagement for trustees of a maternal and newborn baby charity.

I've been a trustee of three charities, one that involved children's health. Dinners are not completely social and no children were invited. I can't imagine any of our workers, volunteers and trustees ever thinking that it was appropriate to bring a child to any one of our meetings, dinners or other events that were not designed specifically for children (and those were the ones I found excuses to not attend!).

I too have been a trustee at tree charities and a board level exec at another four. (Two relating to children)

I can't imagine any of them not being willing to welcome a woman with a young baby in these circumstances.

Palloom · 11/04/2022 18:41

Baby becomes centre of attention. Not good.

Mum anxious about baby/feeding/fussing. Not good.

I care for an elderly relative, I would not bring them to an evening professional event. Same thing, babies and disabled need care, nappy changing (incontinent adult), and attention.

OP you must recognise this, and it has nothing to do with mysoginy either.

Not appopriate. Can make others feel awkward, so forget it IMV.

pamplemoussee · 11/04/2022 19:14

Where has OP said it's an adult only event ? If shes been invited presumably they're aware she has a 3 month old and at the moment mum and baby aren't separable. it's also a mother and baby charity so it's completely reasonable for OP to be considering going ! It's pretty exclusionary for people to say she has no right to consider attending the event if she wished to after speaking to whoever is organising it

ChairCareOh · 11/04/2022 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Palloom · 11/04/2022 19:36

Someone will be along soon to say the money paid for the elegant dinner should have been put into the charity box. Have leftovers instead.

Lottapianos · 11/04/2022 19:44

'We’ve had members of parliament on the bench with breastfeeding babies'

That was a stunt, and nothing whatsoever to celebrate IMO. The HoC is a workplace, and Stella Creasy had no business bringing her baby into the workplace