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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 09/04/2022 09:46

Extremely inappropriate, IMO. Taking the baby will be a huge issue travelling 1.5 hours both ways, then your attention will be on him/her mostly. It all sounds a bit pointless.

Bootothegoose · 09/04/2022 09:46

I'm really sorry to say it but it's not a good idea.

You will be exhausted and frazzled by the time you've made the 1 1/2 hour journey there, it sounds a great idea in theory but in practicality it's a terrible one.

If you really want to attend I would have baby get used to a bottle from a very early age, that way could you express and leave them with Dad?

If not, I think it would be best to go next year instead. Tiny babies at formal adult events don't mix, it's nothing to do with feminism and all to do with the fact a great number of parents have left their own children at home to celebrate a work event.

PugInTheHouse · 09/04/2022 09:47

Definitely not appropriate. It would be a good idea to prepare the baby for times when you may not be there, you never know when that could be. If there is enough time then express some milk and start to give it in a bottle occasionally. There will be loads of advice about this online on how to do it properly.

Bobbyelvis4ever · 09/04/2022 09:47

I’m currently breastfeeding my second, and would absolutely decline this invitation - I’ve declined a couple of events because it’s just not possible right now.

And even with the understanding of what it’s like to miss out when breastfeeding, I’d still be annoyed if someone chose to bring their baby to an event like this.

Jellycatrabbit · 09/04/2022 09:47

A trustees meal is a funny thing, it's not quite a professional event, although you might be friendly it's not an event with friends. These are likely to be people you will not see again when the professional relationship ends. You are presumably on maternity leave or at least entitled to be. Private dining room means you are out of the way of other diners.

I'd take baby but just be prepared to duck out at any point and to leave early if baby won't settle. As some pps have said baby will be a highlight when awake and happy,irrelevant when asleep.

I work in a similar field btw.

MrsWinters · 09/04/2022 09:48

Just no. And when people say that they take their baby and everyone loves it- they’re wrong-most people hate it but are to polite to say anything

mangoallergy · 09/04/2022 09:48

Sorry but no...

thatweirdhippygirl · 09/04/2022 09:51

I honestly couldn’t care less if someone brought a breastfed baby to dinner.

An annoying toddler, yes. But not a baby. I probably wouldn’t even notice it. Wouldn’t affect me in any way.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 09/04/2022 09:51

Absolutely no.

Pepperama · 09/04/2022 09:52

I think it’s usually daytime/early evenings ok, evening dinners no. Unless you know it’s a time when they’ll be reliably asleep but doesn’t sound likely. Only a few more months and she’ll be happy staying with your other half

EthicalNonMahogany · 09/04/2022 09:54

Charities should be at the forefront of more progressive ways of working as they are free from some of the shackles of corporate custom & practice. I think it would be ethically important to go for it and take the baby.

FeelTheRush · 09/04/2022 09:54

Don’t do this - it’s an adult only evening event. Totally inappropriate.

MySecretHistory · 09/04/2022 09:56

Is this being funded by the other trustees and yourself?

If not then it isn’t appropriate full stop

(Trustee of a number of charities regional and national)

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 09:57

Can you shorten your journey time, e.g. by travelling by taxi, to minimise the amount of time you need to spend out of the house?

Clymene · 09/04/2022 09:58

@EthicalNonMahogany

Charities should be at the forefront of more progressive ways of working as they are free from some of the shackles of corporate custom & practice. I think it would be ethically important to go for it and take the baby.
Hmm

Oh give over with your corporate customs and practice. I wouldn't want a baby at a dinner out with friends either.

MySecretHistory · 09/04/2022 09:58

@EthicalNonMahogany

Charities should be at the forefront of more progressive ways of working as they are free from some of the shackles of corporate custom & practice. I think it would be ethically important to go for it and take the baby.
Hmm. But the trustee dinner is so 1984 and not appropriate in 2022
SmugOldBag · 09/04/2022 10:02

If you said the kid would just sleep through it then yes ask. If theres feeding all night as you say then err, no.

Johnnypiratesfriend · 09/04/2022 10:02

I took both my babies everywhere with me when they were breastfeeding. I'm with you op we live in a feminist world having babies should not hold us back.
I fed me babies ( I did discreetly move to the back of the room) during training, meeting and the annual finance review. I took my baby to tribute acts nights out with lots of singing ( again taking a discrete table). If you have an easy going baby like mine was and your happy and calm then it's great. Every parent is different every baby is different.

BorderlineHappy · 09/04/2022 10:03

Nope sounds more hassle than it's worth.

Have you even travelled 1 1/2 on your own lately.
Then bringing everything you need for the baby as well.

You'll be frazzled getting there,you'll be on edge the whole night.
And then having to travel that home again.
No..

Fuuuuuckit · 09/04/2022 10:04

Urgh. My only recollection of my evenings with bf baby at that age was cluster feeding and colic. Not appropriate for an adult dinner.

KitKattaktik · 09/04/2022 10:05

Oh come on @Twopandemicpregnancies. You know you can't take a baby to an adult only dinner. Yes, I've had babies and yes, I've had to make arrangements for them or miss out on the event. There'll be other events so you're going to have to accept that you can't have everything.

Lovemylittlebear · 09/04/2022 10:05

Can’t believe these replies….thank god I don’t have friends or colleagues like that 😂 if I had a chilled out baby yes I would take him/her at three months old they just sleep and feed. I’ve been lucky that I’ve had very chilled out babies though so if I had a colicky baby I would decline but I would be stressed about crying and disruption. If I had an average or chilled out baby I would pop them in a sling and just let them sleep and feed??? No one will even know he/she is there. If the baby is too fussy or you feel it gets disruptive you can politely leave? I think if they are friendly people and baby is unlikely to be screaming head off then go and play it by ear xx

Original poster
Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 10:05

Thanks everyone for all your views - quite mixed responses haha!

If it’s relevant the charity works in the field of maternal and newborn health!

To answer a few other questions, the event is 3 weeks away so I technically have time to teach baby to feed from a bottle but I am also feeling quite stretched with 2 under 2 and never quite managing to keep on top of all the feeding, cleaning, nappies etc of both children at once - so adding faffing about with pumping and bottles isn’t what I would ideally do.

Bringing toddler and DH in car isn’t really an option - toddler has a lovely home based bath and bedtime routine which I wouldn’t want to disrupt (not used to sleeping elsewhere due to being pandemic baby) and DH just got bad shingles this week so may well still be ill and run down in 3 weeks time.

Staying overnight in a hotel and/or taking black cabs will make the whole thing more expensive than I would want to spend for a short evening dinner (would be prepared for taxi and hotel costs for a bigger event like a wedding, but not this).

Am not desperate to attend the dinner as it will involve 3 hours return travel on public transport now that I live outside London so it is a bit of a hassle for me before I even add in logistics of feeding a baby and getting around with a prams so with some people thinking baby will be unwelcome anyway I am leaning towards bowing out and hoping that most of the group will prefer me not there if my presence means bringing baby.

Also interesting those who said about bringing baby to a trustee meeting (rather than this dinner) as our meetings resume in person from end of June (after being on zoom for the last 2 years) so that perhaps is one thing I could suggest bringing baby to and see if people think it’s ok or not (also a hassle for me to travel into London for with a baby so not ideal anyway).

OP posts:
ColdSeptember · 09/04/2022 10:08

@Teeturtle

Totally inappropriate and selfish. This is an adult evening.
This. Either don't go, or get the baby's dad to stay somewhere close by to look after them, or get the baby able to take a bottle of formula. No one else is going there to see your baby and his or her presence will be an unnecessary distraction at best.
marjayy · 09/04/2022 10:09

@MrsWinters

Just no. And when people say that they take their baby and everyone loves it- they’re wrong-most people hate it but are to polite to say anything

This. It's very annoying when people bring babies to business events. Many of us do not love it.