To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

[Twopandemicpregnancies]

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

Do it ! Three months is a great age for this . I often brought my first born out for dinners at that age . I put him in my sling/baby carrier and he happily slept on me . I never pump because it makes me feel like a cow (and I barely get anything out of me anyway) so both my babies went everywhere with me and I breastfed on demand .

No I personally wouldn't. I've got kids and I'm always annoyed when I get a night off to go somewhere and then have to be around other people's kids. A baby at this dinner wouldn't be appropriate. And not only that it sounds like too much stress and upheaval for you. I'd leave it.

I'm a trustee of a women's charity and was chair during 2 of my pregnancies - babies came to all meetings and events until 6 months, I delivered speeches at the AGM with babies strapped in the sling. No one batted an eye.

Lunchtime, yes. Evening meal then probably not, sorry. I sympathise as I breastfed too and missed going out.

I’d try and get her to take a bottle of breast milk and/or formula milk. Don’t write off the whole of 2022! There’s a lot of it left! You deserve time to yourself and to be able to go out without baby. The baby will get used to taking some bottles, especially if that’s all that’s on offer

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow,

I don't think this has anything to do with feminism. It just isn't practical. DD was a terrible cluster feeder, and would feed all evening. A dinner out just wouldn't have worked for me because she would have screamed the place down while I was trying to eat.

I think people who think it would work haven't had a baby that cluster fed the way DD did.

It all sounds like a horrendous hassle for everyone, to be honest, not least you!

I breast-fed my 3 dc, over the years, and would have avoided this at all costs. The public transport hassle, logistics of feeding/changing, eating the meal, chatting to everyone, then you’ve got to face the journey back. Maybe you can tell, I wouldn’t do it!

I’m reading the responses and I’m so surprised to see so many no’s. I guess I’ve been lucky because at 3 months both my boys were so calm that nobody would even notice I had a baby with me . Travelling was so easy too . Now as toddlers , that’s a different story 😂

I think you sound awesome for considering it and that this needs to be normalised. I'd be properly impressed it I were a fellow trustee. We need to see more of this in the world and your baby is a newborn so genuinely can't be apart from you. If he were a little older, he'd just stay with dad.

What's the alternative? You stay home and lose your seat at the table. Literally.

This is why women are hugely under represented at leadership level and suffer a gender pay gap.

I'd say go and leave before it gets too boozy or the baby gets cranky. A tiny baby in a sling is so portable, and if anyone has a problem with you breastfeeding then they are the ones with a problem - suprised to see some PPs being bothered by it.

I brought my 6 week old to my work Christmas lunch years ago, she got lots of cuddles when we arrived but once sitting down for the meal people just got on it, forgot she was there, and i left after dessert.

I really enjoyed it - i got to socialise and not be in mum mode for a couple of hours, but still got to have her with me. If anyone was agast I didn't hear about it and i didn't spoil anyones celebration.

Women can't stay in purdah just because they're breastfeeding, you want to go so you should.

Could you say to the organiser that you won't be able to go because of the baby, then if it's acceptable or has previously been the norm for babies to attend they will say so and if not they'll just say oh well, will see you next year?

I agree it would probably be the highlight for some people. Although do you want the hassle as I wouldn’t relax if it was me? I’d probably attend for pre dinner drinks so I could see everyone

Imagine a smelly poo at the dining table?

I have exclusively BF two babies and am a trustee of a charity - I definitely wouldn’t have done this. I’m absolutely a feminist too but I don’t think it’s fair to anyone (you, the baby, the other trustees) to do this. BF babies are only totally reliant on their mother for a very short period of their total lives, and during that period there are just some things you can’t do.

My two also couldn’t have been left with expressed milk for that period of time - they only just started taking a bottle of expressed milk then, and also my boobs would have been really really uncomfortable/leaking to have not fed for that period!

If you’d turned up at the dinner with the baby and I was also there, I’d absolutely be polite to you and fawn over the baby, but inside I would be thinking why on earth you’d brought him/her and would be irritated when he/she cried/you had to break off conversation multiple times to attend to the baby. Sorry. You’ll be able to go back to full trustee business really quite soon.

No it’s not acceptable

You either go on your own or send apologies

@KosherDill A 3 month old breastfed poo barely smells . It doesn’t even smell like poo as you know it . It smells mild and sweet .

If it’s relevant the charity works in the field of maternal and newborn health!

Does feel quite relevant? When I worked in a similar field, there were more often than not babies at events, and people working in this area do seem to generally like babies as a concept.

3 month old babies are the best humans there are! And if one attended my trustee dinner we would all be very happy and welcoming. I work with volunteers, nothing to do with maternity issues, but they all know that if/when they become parents they are welcome to bring small children. Its important to help people be included and this is a really really easy way of doing that.

this needs to be normalised.

All very laudable to say this, but, like many things, the main reason it’s not been ‘normalised’ is because women have discovered that it just isn’t practical or enjoyable to do some things with a baby in tow!

I would have maybe attempted this with a newborn, say less than 6 weeks, where pretty much all they do is feed and sleep. But by 3 months both of mine would have wanted to be settled in their cot for the evening by 7pm. DC1 especially got pretty angry if they were late to bed and was never one of those children that would sleep in the pram out in the evening.

Thanks everyone. To those who suggested popping in or leaving early if baby doesn’t settle etc, if it was closer to home this would be an option but I have to commit to a 3 hour round journey.

I am pleased to hear that many of you have taken your babies to similar events and I would be really supportive of this if I were at these events myself - but can also understand the hassles and stress of this for those who haven’t wanted to do this.

Re: breastfeeding I can do it discreetly in public with a feeding apron.

On balance, given that in a mixed group it seems like half of the attendees would be annoyed with a baby there, and half would be fine, and most people would understand why I couldn’t bring a 3 month old easily, I will decline the invitation. It won’t be worth the travel logistics and travel for me personally, I just didn’t want the other trustees to think I was lame for not attending when in 2022 in theory it should be possible for a woman to bring a breastfed baby to this sort of event.

Thanks all! Pyjama and TV night for me again then which suits me fine for this year! This is my last baby so will get back out there again in 2023

Charity Director here in similar field. Board is mostly men and it honestly wouldn’t be an issue- in fact they would be really nice about it!

@Johnnypiratesfriend

I took both my babies everywhere with me when they were breastfeeding. I'm with you op we live in a feminist world having babies should not hold us back. I fed me babies ( I did discreetly move to the back of the room) during training, meeting and the annual finance review. I took my baby to tribute acts nights out with lots of singing ( again taking a discrete table). If you have an easy going baby like mine was and your happy and calm then it's great. Every parent is different every baby is different.

Well done you. Taking a baby to a gig where the sound levels will be high is not only selfish, but very harmful on babies delicate ears. But hey, at least you get to do what you want eh?

One of our trustees always had a baby with him. He did the majority of parental leave. We loved it as had a baby to cuddle. my kids used to call him Gary with the baby as they went everywhere with him. I often took my kids but we were a community organisations and never had posh meals!

@Twopandemicpregnancies

Thanks everyone. To those who suggested popping in or leaving early if baby doesn’t settle etc, if it was closer to home this would be an option but I have to commit to a 3 hour round journey.

I am pleased to hear that many of you have taken your babies to similar events and I would be really supportive of this if I were at these events myself - but can also understand the hassles and stress of this for those who haven’t wanted to do this.

Re: breastfeeding I can do it discreetly in public with a feeding apron.

On balance, given that in a mixed group it seems like half of the attendees would be annoyed with a baby there, and half would be fine, and most people would understand why I couldn’t bring a 3 month old easily, I will decline the invitation. It won’t be worth the travel logistics and travel for me personally, I just didn’t want the other trustees to think I was lame for not attending when in 2022 in theory it should be possible for a woman to bring a breastfed baby to this sort of event.

Thanks all! Pyjama and TV night for me again then which suits me fine for this year! This is my last baby so will get back out there again in 2023

You’re right, it should be possible to take a breastfed baby anywhere. The reason why I think YABU isn’t to do with that. It’s to do with the actual logistics of attending the event - from leaving home to getting back. It just sounds too much like hard work.