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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2022 12:47

[quote RobynNora]@watcherintherye I was the poster who said it needs to be normalised. I agree it’s hard and hand on heart I wouldn’t and would probably just lose my seat at the table… but that’s not ideal considering women are so under represented at board level. OP seems game and maybe her baby is chill and quiet as some are. She’d be setting an amazing example in my opinion.

It seems like a big deal for her to go so why not. She’s a nursing mum who also happens to hold a trustee position.

Usually even no kid weddings make an exception for mums nursing very little newborns so why the difference. If poster has four kids, that could total two years without a seat at the table - not to mention pregnancy.[/quote]
@RobynNora

But it’s likely not a choice between taking the baby and not going.

The OP can likely express and leave the baby with her partner. She’s said it’s not that she can’t do it, just that she hasn’t expressed much.

People do not like babies at adult events. It’s distracting.

The most feminist position is that the male partner takes the baby and the woman gets to go and have a life.

I completely agree that if there is no choice people can suck it up and deal with it. But it should only be when there is no choice.

WutheringTights · 09/04/2022 12:48

I'd take a baby at three months, it will just feed and sleep anyway. I'd bail early if it was colicky or whiny though.

I'm a charitable trustee and board member and I'd just be pleased to see you - it's hard for boards to come together and act as a team at the best of times and even harder during covid, so it would one a shame to miss it because you were worried about taking a baby. And I would argue you not being there (even with baby in tow) would actually be detrimental to the board's ability to come together as a team. I'd be really pleased that you'd made the effort to come.

I took mine to all sorts of things while they were tiny, including board meetings and charity meetings with other professionals. People need to realise that charitable trustees are unpaid volunteers. As a sector we're desperate for good volunteers and more diversity on boards. To exclude women with small children just means that boards end up comprised of older men, which is the opposite of what we want as a society and what the sector is trying to achieve.

I think a lot of the people saying to leave the baby at home thinking of this more as a boozy social event, whereas it sounds more like it has a dual purpose of the board coming together after a long period apart. That's really valuable and it would be a shame to miss it because you're a new mum.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2022 12:50

WutheringTights

I'd take a baby at three months, it will just feed and sleep anyway“

Our first would wail solidly for two hours every evening. No chance of a sensible discussion if she had been a guest Grin

WutheringTights · 09/04/2022 12:51

@wejammin

I'm a trustee of a women's charity and was chair during 2 of my pregnancies - babies came to all meetings and events until 6 months, I delivered speeches at the AGM with babies strapped in the sling. No one batted an eye.

I love this. I'm a charitable trustee too and I remember (quite a few years ago now) breastfeeding one of mine while simultaneously firing our auditor for incompetence. As a feminist I love recounting that tale. We need more women in public life, not fewer, and making public life compatible with being a mum is critical to that.

WutheringTights · 09/04/2022 12:55

@MrsSkylerWhite

WutheringTights

I'd take a baby at three months, it will just feed and sleep anyway“

Our first would wail solidly for two hours every evening. No chance of a sensible discussion if she had been a guest Grin

Oh totally! Mine all had a period of about a month where they did that. Obviously wouldn't go if that was case, but outside of that mine were generally quite content until about 6/7 months so long as there was easy access to food.

veronicagoldberg · 09/04/2022 13:01

God, no. Absolutely not.

balalake · 09/04/2022 13:02

I think you should, but ask the other trustees first. Be prepared to take the baby out of the room if tantrums happen. Hopefully all the trustees will all be happy about it.

ChillysWaterBottle · 09/04/2022 13:03

I'm a trustee of a charity and I think this is absolutely fine. Unless they are particularly fussy/colicky babies are only distracting for like the first 10 minutes.

Neverreturntoathread · 09/04/2022 13:10

I’d ask the other trustees if it makes them uncomfortable to bring her.

As this thread shows, some people are comfortable around babies (and breastfeeding) and see it as natural - even wonderful - for them to be integrated into adults’ daily life, others sadly aren’t and see babies as something to be shut away.

MPs have taken their babies into the House of Commons for debates so I don’t think you need fear asking, but some people will be 😱😱😱

Also please don’t feel pressured to pump / hse a bottle if you’re exclusively breastfeeding. Personally I’d rather miss the dinner than pump, but to each their own.

user1466167893 · 09/04/2022 13:18

I'm a CEO of a charity. I'd have no problem at all with a trustee turning up with a baby, it's a farewell dinner not a Board meeting. Ask your fellow trustees and Chair if they mind? Having said that, my trustees are fairly elderly men and I suspect they wouldn't cope that well with a breastfeeding mum, but wouldn't say no at the start!

zingally · 09/04/2022 13:19

Yeah, I wouldn't bother with all that hassle personally. I'd send my apologies, and if it really means something to you, perhaps a personal note/card to the out-going people.

You've got a 3 month old baby. Absolutely no one would think bad of you if you sacked off this particular event. You wouldn't fully enjoy it anyway, as you'd be antsy about the baby.

1forAll74 · 09/04/2022 13:20

I would not do this, I am old fashioned in my ways, and it would be a no no.

Hertsgirl10 · 09/04/2022 13:21

Wow these replies are an eye opener 👀

I mean there’s MPs breast feeding in Parliament, which is an adult only place so I think you will be fine, have you asked anyone that will be at the event?
Why not get their opinions?
You’re not the baby to a club I’m sure it’s fine.
Only think is that it might not be as enjoyable as it would be for you, could someone come with you to take care of baby when you’re not feeding?

maddiemookins16mum · 09/04/2022 13:22

When did it become normal to even think this might be ok? Oh I know, for anyone born 90s onwards.

TheKeatingFive · 09/04/2022 13:35

I wouldn't do it because it doesn't sound much fun, but I don't understand the outrage. It's a tiny baby she's talking about taking, not a troup of toddlers.

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 09/04/2022 13:36

I was born in the late sixties and given the choice between a friend bringing her small baby with her to a social gathering or both being able to come at all I'd definitely opt for her seeing the baby.

In these particular circumstances with cluster feeding and long journeys it's not ideal and the OP is probably right to opt out, but in general I genuinely do like babies and if I say that I'm perfectly happy for a mate to bring her baby along to a meet up then I'm not lying.

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 09/04/2022 13:37

Made a complete hash of that first para.

I was born in the late sixties and given the choice between a friend bringing her small baby with her to a social gathering or not being able to come at all I'd definitely opt for her bringing the baby.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2022 13:38

Absolutely not.

ifyouturnonthelight · 09/04/2022 13:40

The sense of entitlement is outstanding on this one

JenniferBarkley · 09/04/2022 13:44

I don't think it's feminist at all to normalise the idea that a woman should have a baby and just continue life as it was before, just stick the baby in a sling and don't skip a beat. I hate seeing stories of women taking their babies to parliament. I think it would be more feminist for women to have adequately paid maternity leave, take time to recover and find their feet, and THEN resume their jobs without any damage to their reputation for doing so.

I saw a comment on another thread this morning that I've seen before but not for a while - women are expected to work like they're not parents and parent like they don't work. Thinking it's admirable to bring babies to business meetings or adult only social occasions is that attitude on speed.

Besides between breastfeeding, nightmare bedtimes and covid I'm only now after four years getting to the point I can swan off guilt free for a night out - I'd be gutted to find a baby at the table!

But yes, breastfeeding shouldn't be a factor in these decisions, it's appropriate to breastfeed a baby anywhere it's appropriate to bring a baby.

Chasingaftermidnight · 09/04/2022 13:48

I don't think it's feminist at all to normalise the idea that a woman should have a baby and just continue life as it was before, just stick the baby in a sling and don't skip a beat. I hate seeing stories of women taking their babies to parliament. I think it would be more feminist for women to have adequately paid maternity leave, take time to recover and find their feet, and THEN resume their jobs without any damage to their reputation for doing so.

But you do realise that OP is a trustee - ie a volunteer - for this charity, which is charity for mothers and babies? It isn’t her job. She doesn’t have maternity leave. She’s been donating her time for free.

TheKeatingFive · 09/04/2022 13:48

I hate seeing stories of women taking their babies to parliament. I think it would be more feminist for women to have adequately paid maternity leave

But that's not the OP's situation.

It's a function she wants to go to.

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 13:48

@maddiemookins16mum

When did it become normal to even think this might be ok? Oh I know, for anyone born 90s onwards.
😂
User0610134049 · 09/04/2022 13:51

Personally I would just decline.

Also as a trustee for another charity, I’m curious if this is funded by charity monies or you are paying for it yourselves? Not goady but genuinely curious what other charities do.

Geranium1984 · 09/04/2022 14:01

I can see why you want to go but I think the whole thing would be a pretty stressful for you. You might end up sitting feeding or having to hold them the whole time and might not end up actually properly catching up with your friends/colleagues.
The baby may also not be that welcome at the event.