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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 10/04/2022 09:47

How can anyone have a problem with it? For all we know there will be a couple with a small baby at the next table?!

OP says it’s a private dining room within the restaurant. There won’t be any “next tables”.

Piglet89 · 10/04/2022 09:55

On balance, given that in a mixed group it seems like half of the attendees would be annoyed with a baby there, and half would be fine, and most people would understand why I couldn’t bring a 3 month old easily, I will decline the invitation.

93% have voted YABU. It’s a pretty resounding “no”.

Franklin12 · 10/04/2022 10:04

It constantly surprises me how some people think it’s a brilliant idea, everyone would like a cuddle etc.

No they generally wouldn’t. Horribly inappropriate for an adult meeting and rather pfb. A PP mentioned feeling like a celebrity!

Are people really so self absorbed that they think it’s all about them and their baby

sleepyhoglet · 10/04/2022 10:23

Not against in principle but the faff of getting there, wearing comfy shoes and something breastfeeding friendly whilst possibly not being able to eat due to holding baby would put me off.... and then when the baby does poonami and finding a suitable place to change them. I also have baby this age but give one bottle at night time so would have gone alone and left baby at home and work breast pads!

MabelsApron · 10/04/2022 10:24

@TheKeatingFive

Because bringing a baby to an event where babies aren’t expected usually turns the event into a babython

I thinks that's total nonsense, sorry.

And if we support women to have babies and bF them and attend functions, if they want to, during that time, then it's an inevitability that babies will have to come along sometimes, because they can't be left.

So what of the above criteria are we saying we don't support?

Maybe it’s not your experience, but it is mine and I’m not alone on this thread.

The part I don’t support is “if they want to”. Not all functions are appropriate for bringing a baby along, even if the reason the baby is there is because it’s inseparable from mum. This function might be OK but in general a trustees meeting wouldn’t be. Most work events and functions wouldn’t be. I don’t support BFing mums in taking their babies anywhere they want to ~cos feminism~, there has to be a judgement call.

It might be different if taking a baby was entirely low key and didn’t involve handing baby around for everyone to cuddle and dominating the conversation with baby stuff. I’ve not tended to see that. In fact I’ve never seen a baby brought to an event in a way that would be conducive to it being a work or formal environment, rather it’s always been extremely showy and performative, so that’s probably colouring my view.

CounsellorTroi · 10/04/2022 10:33

Jacinda Adern, MPS talking their babies to Parliament are irrelevant to wider feminism. The vast majority of BFiing. mothers can’t and never will be able to take their baby to work with them.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 10:35

Are people really so self absorbed that they think it’s all about them and their baby

Honestly, this sounds so mean spirited. It's not really about any of the things you've mentioned and others have brought these to the discussion, not the op.

It's just the acknowledgement that she'll have to have the baby with her. So we have a choice, either to facilitate this or freeze bfing mothers of tiny babies out of these kinds of events entirely.

saraclara · 10/04/2022 10:39

It's a private dining affair. So a proper grown up event and an event that presumably all the other trustees are looking forward to as such, having not seen each other for so long. So no, I wouldn't.

All the people talking about babies being at trustee meetings are missing the point. That's not really an issue at all. I'm a chair of trustees and wouldn't turn a hair.
But a grown up private dining occasion has a grown up focus, and any cooing over the baby would only be politeness I'm afraid.

For the record I BF my two for 12-15 months and took them most places. But not to anything like this.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 10:40

Not all functions are appropriate for bringing a baby along, even if the reason the baby is there is because it’s inseparable from mum.

I think the only kind of functions that should be 'inappropriate' for a sleeping, feeding 3 month to be at would be those that were harmful to them in some way.

We need to understand this in terms of the mother, if they have a role to play, then the baby is part of the package, it's not about making it all about the baby, just acknowledging basic facts.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 10:42

and any cooing over the baby would only be politeness I'm afraid.

I don't get the impression the op is in any way interested in this. It's the much more practical point that she needs to feed a baby.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 10:45

@notwhatineednow
I dunno, we’ll see I suppose. But this generation of women are a different breed, and they will not tolerate being restricted, uncomfortable, etc under the notion that “young babies need to be close to their mothers”. Good for them!

I dunno about your feminist position of having women bring their small babies to restaurants with them etc. I don’t see that as feminist. What would be more feminist would be the baby staying with dad and if that means persevering with bottles from the get go then so be it. Another issue which many have raised, is that when people get a child free night they wanna go to a nice restaurant and not have other people’s babies or kids around, which is fair enough

JustOneMoreStep · 10/04/2022 11:02

I take the baby, and I'd be bemused at anyone being 'pissed off' at a little baby being there. It's not like she's going to be running around, pulling at the table and throwing food/cutlery around.

Wizzbangfizz · 10/04/2022 11:07

I wouldn't be impressed to see a baby at an event like this. It is a formal dinner not pizza express.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 11:18

What would be more feminist would be the baby staying with dad and if that means persevering with bottles from the get go then so be it.

So basically your brand of feminism is around women adapting to male norms (being able to leave the baby) rather than society adapting to female existence (going about normal life, not being required to leave the baby).

How deeply depressing

notwhatineednow · 10/04/2022 11:26

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@notwhatineednow
I dunno, we’ll see I suppose. But this generation of women are a different breed, and they will not tolerate being restricted, uncomfortable, etc under the notion that “young babies need to be close to their mothers”. Good for them!

I dunno about your feminist position of having women bring their small babies to restaurants with them etc. I don’t see that as feminist. What would be more feminist would be the baby staying with dad and if that means persevering with bottles from the get go then so be it. Another issue which many have raised, is that when people get a child free night they wanna go to a nice restaurant and not have other people’s babies or kids around, which is fair enough[/quote]
Forcing mothers and babies apart, and babies onto formula is not a feminist position.

80% of women become mothers IIRC. Our cultural expectations that mothers and babies hide away is anti-woman.

JenniferBarkley · 10/04/2022 11:33

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@JenniferBarkley
“One of mine was breastfed at bedtime to twenty months, wouldn't go over without it.“
Out of interest, what did you do re this? Never go out in the evening for 20 months??[/quote]
Yes. It wasn't a hardship, largely because she born summer 2020 so there wasn't much on for a lot of that time. And I was exhausted anyway. I did find breastfeeding my first (she stopped at 9 months) very restrictive so I know it's not for everyone but it worked just fine for us this time round.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 11:35

@JenniferBarkley
Yes I can see how it wouldn’t be an issue during the pandemic particularly

Lime37 · 10/04/2022 11:37

I see you're options as being anti feminist tbh. Why can’t your husband look after 2 children. If roles were reversed you would expect to. You wouldn’t expect your husband to take a child to dinner with him. Try a bottle now pump a bit of milk and put in the freezer it’s one night it will be ok.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 11:38

@notwhatineednow
But what if the mother wants some time away from her baby?! She’s still a person in her own right. I choose formula because I want to preserve my mental health and I feel that having sole responsibility for all the feeding of a baby, never being able to be separate from them, not being able to share night feeds etc would jeopardise my mental health. Mothers may want to be separated from their baby and for their baby to be left with their partner for their partner so that they can attend a dinner etc. And that is ok.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 11:40

I see you're options as being anti feminist tbh. Why can’t your husband look after 2 children ... Try a bottle now pump a bit of milk and put in the freezer it’s one night it will be ok.

The lack of understanding (and judgement) around bfing is incredibly anti feminist.

Some babies don't take bottles. It doesn't matter how early you introduce them, how many times you try, they just don't. The OP is not unreasonable to want to avoid a position where he baby becomes hungry, and distressed.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 11:42

Mothers may want to be separated from their baby and for their baby to be left with their partner for their partner so that they can attend a dinner etc. And that is ok.

Absolutely no one is saying that's not ok.

But if mothers want to keep their baby with the to feed on demand, shouldn't that be ok too?

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 11:46

@TheKeatingFive

I see you're options as being anti feminist tbh. Why can’t your husband look after 2 children ... Try a bottle now pump a bit of milk and put in the freezer it’s one night it will be ok.

The lack of understanding (and judgement) around bfing is incredibly anti feminist.

Some babies don't take bottles. It doesn't matter how early you introduce them, how many times you try, they just don't. The OP is not unreasonable to want to avoid a position where he baby becomes hungry, and distressed.

@TheKeatingFive They will take a bottle if there’s nothing else on offer. Babies are not daft.
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 11:47

@TheKeatingFive

Mothers may want to be separated from their baby and for their baby to be left with their partner for their partner so that they can attend a dinner etc. And that is ok.

Absolutely no one is saying that's not ok.

But if mothers want to keep their baby with the to feed on demand, shouldn't that be ok too?

@TheKeatingFive But somewhere like a restaurant or dinner in the evening. Some people there will have found and paid for babysitters etc they don’t want someone else’s baby or kids there. And that’s fair enough. :9 in those instances, woman goes alone and husband looks after baby. Baby will survive a night not being able to demand feed on the breast.
TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 11:48

They will take a bottle if there’s nothing else on offer. Babies are not daft

Well perhaps after several days. Most people don't actually let it get that far.

Are mothers unreasonable for not wanting to have their babies scream for hours before they take the bottle? Is this your enlightened feminism in action?

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 11:51

they don’t want someone else’s baby or kids there.

I'm not sure why their wants trump anyone else's though. The mothers right to feed in this situation is enshrined in law as it happens.

Baby will survive a night not being able to demand feed on the breast.

As already pointed out, hungry, distressed babies crying for hours isn't everyone idea of an enlightened, female supportive society.