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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring 3 month old baby to Trustee dinner?

332 replies

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/04/2022 09:20

Have had 2 babies since pandemic and have hardly taken them anywhere so not sure what is normal / socially acceptable?

I am a Trustee for a charity and have been invited to a nice dinner in the evening at a restaurant private dining room in London when baby will be 3 months old. Haven’t seen the other Trustees for over 2 years due to pandemic so it would be good to catch up in person, but am exclusively breastfeeding and don’t often pump or have much of a milk stash in freezer, have never tried to give baby a bottle (all seems like quite a hassle compared to just feeding baby direct from breast). It is also about 1.5 hours door to door for me on public transport each way so overall I can’t leave the baby with DP for what will be around 5-6 hours in total (DP will be at home looking after toddler).

Would it be ridiculous to suggest that I bring the baby with me to the dinner? I obviously won’t totally enjoy the dinner (and will be a bit of a hassle on public transport as it is a 20 minute walk from the nearest step free access station to the restaurant) as I will be attending to the baby, feeding etc as well as talking to everyone and eating. I am torn between not letting people down by just not going (it is a farewell for the outgoing Chair and a couple of other trustees), or going with baby and potentially being a pain for the adults who might not want a baby there! (Most of them have children but most of the kids are older than mine and/or grown up).

The baby is pretty chill as babies go but also tends to cluster feed in the evenings so is unlikely just to sleep through the evening in her pram.

So I probably just need someone to tell me it’s a stupid idea but am genuinely torn, as a feminist in 2022, whether I should carry on my life where feasible with baby in tow, or just stay at home this year and resume things like evening dinners in 2023 when baby is no longer breastfeeding?

OP posts:
RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 10/04/2022 11:53

I work directly for a group of Trustees.

Ask. No harm in asking.

Incidentally my charity (a women's org) would have no problems with baby being there, in fact we'd encourage it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 12:03

@TheKeatingFive

Quite often the key to a baby taking a bottle is for the mother to be out of the house. As they know then that there is no chance of getting breast milk. So they take the bottle. Your thing about no separation ever is obviously not conducive to that. It maintains a vicious cycle. Mum cannot go out with baby as baby won’t take bottle but if only mum did go out baby would take botttle. Some mums are ok with having baby with them all the time. That is not for me however and nor plenty of other women. I guess there is no one set feminist position

namechangeanonymous · 10/04/2022 12:07

Any chance your DH could stop in an hotel close to the venue that night? Less time for baby to wait. Saying that wouldn't bother me and I would quite like the distraction of a baby from the boring adult convo.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 12:08

Quite often the key to a baby taking a bottle is for the mother to be out of the house. As they know then that there is no chance of getting breast milk. So they take the bottle.

I know lots of people who have done this and in some cases they did take the bottle, after hours and hours of screaming. In some cases they never did.

I'm sure you can understand why some mothers don't want to put their child through this.

That is not for me however and nor plenty of other women. I guess there is no one set feminist position

Absolutely no one is telling you that your use of formula is anti feminist. What is anti feminist is telling women that the answer to them going out and about in public is to ensure their baby takes bottles, when neither they nor the baby want that.

If we want to facilitate a breastfeeding society, we need to be genuinely supportive of mothers in the OPs position

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 12:21

I not sure why we would want to “facilitate a breastfeeding society”! It would just put not pressure on women to breastfeed. Some women for a myriad of reasons do not want to breastfeed. ‘I don’t want to breastfeed’ is enough.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 12:25

I not sure why we would want to “facilitate a breastfeeding society”

So that those who want to can do so freely without distress to themselves and their baby. We have some of the lowest rates of bfing in the western world, which is hardly surprising given what we can see on here

Some women for a myriad of reasons do not want to breastfeed. ‘I don’t want to breastfeed’ is enough.

I totally agree. When did I ever suggest otherwise.

MissChanandlerBong80 · 10/04/2022 12:34

Incidentally my charity (a women's org) would have no problems with baby being there, in fact we'd encourage it.

Yes - I think a lot of people on here have missed that it’s a dinner for trustees for a mother and baby charity.

So all the people saying ‘I’d be so pissed off if I was expecting an adults night out and someone RUINED IT FOR ME by bringing a baby’ - ok, but it’s not a birthday dinner or a hen do. If you want a big childfree night out, a dinner for people who volunteer for a mum and baby charity would be a seriously bizarre place to pick for it.

MabelsApron · 10/04/2022 12:35

@TheKeatingFive

Not all functions are appropriate for bringing a baby along, even if the reason the baby is there is because it’s inseparable from mum.

I think the only kind of functions that should be 'inappropriate' for a sleeping, feeding 3 month to be at would be those that were harmful to them in some way.

We need to understand this in terms of the mother, if they have a role to play, then the baby is part of the package, it's not about making it all about the baby, just acknowledging basic facts.

All of that would be fine if mums in this position took the view that the meeting/event/dinner was about work, and behaved accordingly. I know you’ve had a different experience but in my experience whenever someone has brought a baby to this kind of event, they’ve allowed the event to become dominated by the baby and revelled in the attention. It can’t be both ways - if women need to maintain access to work whilst breastfeeding then they also need to recognise that they’re working or in a professional setting.
MabelsApron · 10/04/2022 12:39

I was once a law society dinner - black tie, renowned speakers, awards, very formal. One of the attendees brought her young baby and spent half the evening bringing it around the various tables for everyone to “have a cuddle”, which was really distracting whilst everyone was trying to eat/network/listen to the speeches. That’s not advancing feminism - it just highlights that she wasn’t there to experience the purpose of the event and wasn’t bothered if she distracted anyone else from it.

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 12:40

It can’t be both ways - if women need to maintain access to work whilst breastfeeding then they also need to recognise that they’re working or in a professional setting.

I don't disagree, I just think a lot of if the 'oooh you're making it all about the baby' is total projection. There is nothing in the OPs posts to suggest she's looking for attention. She just needs to feed and for that the baby needs to be with her.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/04/2022 12:47

I would and I would try my hardest to have a really good time. Babies that age are so portable, make the most of it! You know with your older dc that it gets harder with trying to stick to routine etc.

JenniferBarkley · 10/04/2022 12:52

@MissChanandlerBong80

Incidentally my charity (a women's org) would have no problems with baby being there, in fact we'd encourage it.

Yes - I think a lot of people on here have missed that it’s a dinner for trustees for a mother and baby charity.

So all the people saying ‘I’d be so pissed off if I was expecting an adults night out and someone RUINED IT FOR ME by bringing a baby’ - ok, but it’s not a birthday dinner or a hen do. If you want a big childfree night out, a dinner for people who volunteer for a mum and baby charity would be a seriously bizarre place to pick for it.

If the mother and baby charity wanted to be supportive of the new bother on their trustee board and her baby, they'd hold the meeting during the day near their home in which case it may well be practical for them to attend.

But it's not a trustee meeting, it's a dinner to bid farewell to the chair and is a social occasion.

sauceyorange · 10/04/2022 13:20

If I had a newborn in a sling who would mostly sleep I'd take her. But not if she'd be crying and need walking around all night

People are always delighted to see babies, except the obvious grousers on here, miserable gits. Babies are part of life (for us lucky ones).

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 13:34

@sauceyorange

If I had a newborn in a sling who would mostly sleep I'd take her. But not if she'd be crying and need walking around all night

People are always delighted to see babies, except the obvious grousers on here, miserable gits. Babies are part of life (for us lucky ones).

@sauceyorange

Not everyone is delighted to see babies. As this thread proves. Especially not at an evening socialising event. Plenty will smile politely and make the cooing noises expected of them, but underneath they do not want to be bothered.

And some people count themselves very lucky that a baby is not part of their life! Ok they’re cute but they also exert a very demanding and limiting influence on your life not to mention they don’t sleep, shit themselves etc etc. So speak for yourself!

starduste · 10/04/2022 13:49

I have a baby. I take him to informal meetings (volunteering, uni) in his carrier. I would not take to a dinner because:

  • it's in a proper restaurant with adults. Not really suitable for a baby.
  • people have to feign interest, and everything is centred around baby
  • it's not fair on others who have kids. Unless there's an announcement that other parents can take their babies (which wouldn't happen because it'd be chaos)
CounsellorTroi · 10/04/2022 13:55

People are always delighted to see babies, except the obvious grousers on here, miserable gits. Babies are part of life (for us lucky ones).

What about the unlucky ones who are experiencing infertility? Should they always be delighted when someone brings a baby and they are expected to want a cuddle?

Notdoingthis · 10/04/2022 14:07

I can't see what is offensive about a baby in a restaurant.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/04/2022 15:06

@Notdoingthis
It’s not offensive as such, it’s just that lots of people don’t want it when they go out of an evening

saraclara · 10/04/2022 15:56

@Notdoingthis

I can't see what is offensive about a baby in a restaurant.
No-one's said it's offensive. However, this is a professional gathering of people who are going to expect a grown up night without distractions. A private dining room has been booked, which signifies to me that the organisers want a calm and uninterrupted adults only evening.

I am sure that everyone would be very polite about it, but I suspect that, just as in this poll, the vast majority would think it not ideal to have a baby in tow. Just as OP now has.

WutheringTights · 10/04/2022 16:13

@SmugOldBag

And god I hate the "everyone was thrilled to see the baby and loved a cuddle". No they aren't. If they seem like that then they were polite and indulgent. We had a friend pitch up to a similar event that was a 40th birthday dinner with her 4 m old. She hadn't asked. The birthday boy pasted a smile on as did everyone and 90% of the conversation was about the kid as it was passed around for holding and admiring. A small group of us had exchanged glances and refused the 'cuddle' and desperately tried to get the convo back onto something more interesting then sleep cycles and feeding schedules.

She left before dessert and everyone went "WTF!!!" The 100% consensus was that she was massively entitled and arrogant to bring the kid first of all and then allow the conversation to be all about her and kid. Birthday boy was absolutely mortified*

The problem you had there wasn't that someone brought their baby, it was that an entitled CF made the event all about them. Back in the day I took my babies to the odd board meeting and they were barely acknowledged. We got down to the business of the day with the baby in a buggy and me BFing as and when necessary. A fly on the wall would barely have even known that the baby was even there. It was that or resign from the board, as I was legally responsible for decisions made at those meetings even if I didn't attend. And given the difficulty in recruiting qualified trustees and the lack of diversity on boards, that would have been a far worse outcome than me taking my baby to a couple of meetings.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 10/04/2022 16:19

@WutheringTights
Back in the day I took my babies to the odd board meeting and they were barely acknowledged

I'm guessing it wasn't a board meeting at Sports Direct with Mike Ashley? Grin

MySecretHistory · 10/04/2022 16:24

@RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho

I work directly for a group of Trustees.

Ask. No harm in asking.

Incidentally my charity (a women's org) would have no problems with baby being there, in fact we'd encourage it.

Would your organisation have a Trustee dinner?

Really?

SecretSpAD · 10/04/2022 16:46

People are always delighted to see babies, except the obvious grousers on here, miserable gits. Babies are part of life (for us lucky ones).

You're kidding right? No, not everyone is pleased to see a baby, especially at an adult social event in the evening. Or a work event. Or work. Or, you know, at any time. That does not make those of us who aren't delighted by your squalling offspring miserable at all....it just means that we are aware that there is a time and a place where someone's child isn't wanted.

Hold a meeting at soft play = expect to deal with babies
Hold a meeting in a private dining room = don't expect to deal with babies.

There is a high level of entitlement in some people.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 10/04/2022 17:22

Now, kittens! If every one brought a kitten to a meeting ... I'd like that! Smile

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 10/04/2022 18:22

Not at all appropriate without prior clearance. The meeting is for the charitys benefit.