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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
Carla2601 · 09/04/2022 00:33

@wantthisbabyout there are a whole lot of pious, smug women on here. You have just been through an overwhelming experience. You are your mums baby so she will have potentially been v worried about you and also sleep deprived which she’s presumably not used to.

It’s not ideal, and I’m sorry it’s happened, and you’re not being unreasonable. But I’d ignore the witch hunt and just have a chat with your mum when things have settled down.

Good luck ☺️

Tilltheend99 · 09/04/2022 00:33

@Bunty55 how ridiculous! Looking after the grandchildren for one night while your child has a c-section is hardly being taken advantage of. I really think that people shouldn’t have children if they can’t factor in the possibility of having basic, low level, grand parenting responsibilities one day.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2022 00:33

Why did she do it, was your daughter misbehaving or putting herself in danger?

Bunty55 · 09/04/2022 00:39

[quote Tilltheend99]@Bunty55 how ridiculous! Looking after the grandchildren for one night while your child has a c-section is hardly being taken advantage of. I really think that people shouldn’t have children if they can’t factor in the possibility of having basic, low level, grand parenting responsibilities one day.[/quote]
Well actually I did not mean for one night. I meant children who use their mothers as childminders without thinking it through.

Grandparents should be there for fun, not for childminding.

EthelTheAardvark · 09/04/2022 00:42

@pinkyredrose

Why did she do it, was your daughter misbehaving or putting herself in danger?
Whether OP's daughter was misbehaving is irrelevant, it doesn't justify hitting her. Even if she was putting herself in danger, it would only be acceptable it that was the only way to rescue her, e.g pushing her out of the way of something dangerous. Hitting her on the hand doesn't sound like that.
Prudencia · 09/04/2022 00:42

If a man claimed that he hit his wife because of her behaviour would that be acceptable @pinkyredrose ?
Hitting little children to allow an adult to take out their anger and frustration on a small child is completely unacceptable.

Teenagehorrorbag · 09/04/2022 00:45

I'm torn. In theory I don't have a problem with a tap on the hand - for example to say 'no, don't touch that' or whatever. Spank to me means a big old whack on the bottom - hard. I've never heard of a spank on the hand - but if DD said grandma hurt her then it must have been quite physical!

Then again - My DD used to pull the wallpaper off the wall. From crawling to about 2, I think. I tried and tried and to get her to stop, including smacking the back of her hand (not hard) and saying 'no, that's naughty, Mummy is cross'. It never stopped her - eventually we stripped the paper and painted the wall.....Grin.

A year or so later, she was on grandma's lap and saw her gold cross and chain and played with it. Granny said 'that's my cross'. DD then got off her lap, ran to the wall and pointed to it, and slapped her hand saying 'cross'. Made us all laugh - she had learnt that cross meant a slapped hand, and that it related to the wall - but it never stopped her stripping the paper!

I suppose my lesson was that slapping doesn't achieve your aim even if you do think it's OK. I don't think a tap would be a big deal although you clearly need to set some agreed guidelines for discipline. But an aggressive whack which really hurt your DD is a different thing. But you need to talk this through and if she goes against your parenting practices after that then you will need to restrict access.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/04/2022 00:46

I wouldn't call a hit on the hand 'a spank' because it isn't. I also don't believe that the posters whipping up drama have never had to catch a child's hand, or tap it away if they were going to touch something hot/dangerous etc.
OP you've given birth. You're coping with a lot of emotions- take time to draw breath. And get off MN. At this time of night, at the weekend, it's full of gfs. It's the last place a new mum should be.

Selma22 · 09/04/2022 00:49

@Prudencia

If a man claimed that he hit his wife because of her behaviour would that be acceptable *@pinkyredrose* ? Hitting little children to allow an adult to take out their anger and frustration on a small child is completely unacceptable.
It doesn't work that way.If a woman claimed that her husband controls what she eats,what tv she watches,when she leaves house it would be domestic violence and emotional abuse...yet we do that to children to raise them correctly. I don't agree with children but the parallel with you don't do it to adults don't work...plenty of things we don't do to adults and plenty of things we do that we don't do to children.
mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 00:51

Of course it wasn't acceptable, but does the OPs mother know that it's not acceptable now?

@FrankLeeSpeaking, the gran was apparently a lovely mum in her younger days but has changed to the point where the OP's brothers have noticed she has 'lost her mojo with the kids and lacks patience'.

Honestly, if I were the gran here and it was all too much for me, I would just say so, not complain about my grandchildren not being 'normal', but still cross my fingers and think it would be ok because I could always resort to smacking.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 00:54

@pinkyredrose, the child's crime was 'not listening'.

And none of the OP's children are 'normal', according to the grandma.

Kanaloa · 09/04/2022 00:54

@AnnesBrokenSlate

I wouldn't call a hit on the hand 'a spank' because it isn't. I also don't believe that the posters whipping up drama have never had to catch a child's hand, or tap it away if they were going to touch something hot/dangerous etc. OP you've given birth. You're coping with a lot of emotions- take time to draw breath. And get off MN. At this time of night, at the weekend, it's full of gfs. It's the last place a new mum should be.
Catching up a child’s hand is nothing like smacking them because they’re naughty?

I see it constantly on here. Oh he was about to shove a metal screwdriver in the plug socket I HAD to slap him what else could I do? Erm well if you were close enough to slap you were close enough to move/redirect.

But whether you believe it or not I’ve got through four children without ever needing to ‘tap’ their hands away from something dangerous. I either removed dangerous items or moved them away. Although I have noticed ‘tap’ is used only by people who slap kids. They don’t like words like slap/hit and prefer the less accurate ‘tap.’

SmellyOldOwls · 09/04/2022 01:04

@mathanxiety

Of course it wasn't acceptable, but does the OPs mother know that it's not acceptable now?

@FrankLeeSpeaking, the gran was apparently a lovely mum in her younger days but has changed to the point where the OP's brothers have noticed she has 'lost her mojo with the kids and lacks patience'.

Honestly, if I were the gran here and it was all too much for me, I would just say so, not complain about my grandchildren not being 'normal', but still cross my fingers and think it would be ok because I could always resort to smacking.

Desperate exhausted woman resorts to whatever she has to, trying to do the best for her family. Shocker.
AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/04/2022 01:07

A tap is different from a slap and both are different from a spank. If posters really think the best use of their time is conflating words with different meanings and winding up someone who has just given birth then that is their call. But it's not what MN is supposed to be for.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 01:13

Desperate exhausted woman resorts to whatever she has to, trying to do the best for her family. Shocker.

PMSL.

You are serious?

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 01:15

@hackettblue

I really despair about the raising of children in this day and age, these are the children of the future and if they can’t deal with any sort of chastisement I pity the future. Your DD had her hand smacked by grandma for gods sake get over yourself. I speak as a mother who has 2 beautiful daughters nearing their 40s the elder of which was a nightmare child / of course must be all my fault that I didn’t have experience, but she was occasionally smacked - shock horror - usually when she became hysterical about something or other which was rapidly followed by a quick calm down and cuddles. Ironically she has worked in the childcare sector for the last 22 years with fantastic results and laughs to this day about what a little shit she was and how she can ‘spot’ likewise children within an hour of meeting them. She has grown to a beautiful caring woman and in no way was ‘traumatised’ by the occasional smack - get over yourselves for gods sake.
I agree.

She got popped in the hand if she’d slapped her it would be a different story.

Kanaloa · 09/04/2022 01:16

@AnnesBrokenSlate

A tap is different from a slap and both are different from a spank. If posters really think the best use of their time is conflating words with different meanings and winding up someone who has just given birth then that is their call. But it's not what MN is supposed to be for.
Yeah a tap is what you do to get someone’s attention - a slight touch/pat. It’s not likely to be what happened here as you don’t tap people in anger to punish them - people who hit kids don’t tap them because the child would never notice being tapped, or relay it to anyone.
mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 01:17

You saw it all then, @Sunnytwobridges?

THEDEACON · 09/04/2022 01:23

In Scotland any form of physical chastisement to a child is quite simply illegal You have to tell your husband Your mum clearly can no longer cope with looking after her grandchildren you and your brothers need to discuss and address this Meanwhile rest up enjoy your baby and I hope you are soon home

CJsGoldfish · 09/04/2022 01:31

FFS, it was a slap on the hand. Hardly worthy of the OTT reactions on here. Which I'm convinced are just to upset the OP even more.
For the record, I didn't hit my children and would not have allowed anyone else to. I can't say with 100% certainty that my parents never smacked a hand, it was a looong time ago but, as with everything that was different to when they did it, I would have explained that we don't do that and why. Without drama.
As far as grandma not having the 'mojo' she once had or the patience. She's older and every second kid is 'challenging' or 'strong willed' etc. which is usually just code for badly behaved. 🤷‍♀️

AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/04/2022 01:31

@Kanaloa
The OP said her mum didn't hit her own DCs. You're making up your own stories. In a way that adds to the worry of a new mum. You might - although it seems unlikely- want to consider why that would be your focus rather than trying to reassure her so she can try to get some sleep and address this when she can see her DM and DD in RL. I'm leaving the thread now because I don't think the volume of posts will help OP.

LikeAStar1994 · 09/04/2022 02:39

@Deereemer

Smacking needs to be against the law. Completely unacceptable.
I totally agree but no doubt the "It never did me any harm" brigade will be along shortly...
Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 02:52

@mathanxiety

You saw it all then, *@Sunnytwobridges*?
@mathanxiety read the post, it’s fundamental
1forAll74 · 09/04/2022 02:56

A little slap on the hand is not such a bad thing, I have seen loads of Mum's do this from time to time. Saying the word spank, conjures up someone smacking a child hard on the bottom or something similar.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/04/2022 03:00

@LoveSpringDaffs

Oh for the love of god, she smacked her hand, what a lot of OTT drama winding the OP up.

@wantthisbabyout. Ignore all the absolute bollocjs about not letting your mum nest the kids sgain. She smacked her hand. It's really not the end if the works, just ask her not to do it again if you're that bothered by it.

This is how I see it. When I was a child, spanking was normal and acceptable. Even teachers did it. My father spanked me three times: Once when I threw a kitten directly into my cousin's face hoping it would claw her (could have injured my cousin and the kitten; A second time when I was jumping back and forth over an open grass fire in the back yard and did not stop when he told me (could have caught myself on fire); A third time when I got angry with my mother for buying me a sweater I didn't like so I took a pair of scissors to her church Easter dress and cut the skirt to ribbons. I loved and respected my father thru his entire life and I NEVER did any of those things again!