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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 09/04/2022 03:09

[quote AnnesBrokenSlate]@Kanaloa
The OP said her mum didn't hit her own DCs. You're making up your own stories. In a way that adds to the worry of a new mum. You might - although it seems unlikely- want to consider why that would be your focus rather than trying to reassure her so she can try to get some sleep and address this when she can see her DM and DD in RL. I'm leaving the thread now because I don't think the volume of posts will help OP.[/quote]
What stories am I making up Confused I never said op’s mother slapped her, just her child.

And if comforting/reassuring someone means saying ‘aww she only slapped her arm or hand, that’s not as bad as punching her in the head’ then I’m not up for that, thanks.

IamTheEvilPea · 09/04/2022 03:10

"Smacking" is a word that used to be used for belittling/ dismissing the fact that someone is assaulting a child. It is not "smacking", it is hitting and therefore assault. Of someone smaller and vulnerable and dependent, and therefore SO much worse than someone assaulting an adult. Calling it "smacking" trivialises it. It's abusive and you should have your children nowhere near anybody who thinks this is ok, in any circumstance.

carefullycourageous · 09/04/2022 04:04

@wantthisbabyout

I think it was seeing DD so upset which just triggered me to be honest and my mum saying oh it was just a little smack on the hand. I'm a bit emotional at the moment too so don't think that helps.

Think i best get some sleep Blush

I think you are downplaying, but also you are in a very vulnerable position. Tell your DH and let him sort it.

Your mum sounds unkind to be upsetting you by saying your kids are not normal. I would keep her away from my children more.

numananumana · 09/04/2022 04:08

I would be angry about this. No one should smack your children. I would have a word (when you are up for it) and explain it's unacceptable. I would also be dubious about asking her to babysit again.

marvellousmaple · 09/04/2022 04:56

I'd wait to get the full picture. Just like you would if this happened at pre-school. And fgs don't cut off your own mother for one possible mistake! I don't know how anyone has any friends or relatives these days seeing as everyone is LC or NC. What the hell? Will all this generation be quite so pleased when their kids go NC? It's bizarro world.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 05:11

She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal I'd not have her round your kids anymore

Loveagingernut · 09/04/2022 05:22

“yes she is very stubborn“

Does this mean your child doesn’t do what she’s told?

Tell your mother it’s unacceptable to lift her hand to the child, but equally tell your daughter to do what she is told , when she is told!

toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 05:49

I am laughing out loud at the over reactions.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 09/04/2022 05:50

I think I’d be just as upset that she said she wished your kids were normal. Wtf does that even mean?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/04/2022 06:20

Wow, I opened this expecting your child had been given a proper whack, not a tap on the hand. OP if you don't feel comfortable her looking after your children alone anymore, send your husband back to watch them.

speakout · 09/04/2022 06:23

Thankfully where I live assaulting children is a criminal offence

RedRobyn2021 · 09/04/2022 06:26

YANBU she is out of order for doing that

Moodycow78 · 09/04/2022 06:39

Stop getting yourself worked up, your mum didn't spank your DD, it was a hand slap, tell her not to do it again and get on with your day

Bluebluemoon · 09/04/2022 07:00

DD was upset saying grandma hurt me

Aww - that's heartbreaking 😢l'd want to throttle my dm (ironic I know) if she did that. I wouldn't be leaving my dc's with her again.

Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 07:04

@marvellousmaple

I'd wait to get the full picture. Just like you would if this happened at pre-school. And fgs don't cut off your own mother for one possible mistake! I don't know how anyone has any friends or relatives these days seeing as everyone is LC or NC. What the hell? Will all this generation be quite so pleased when their kids go NC? It's bizarro world.
What pre school would that happen at,?
toomanydogsandcats · 09/04/2022 07:15

This deserves to be picked up by the press. Times are hard, people.need a good laugh.

MummyGummy · 09/04/2022 07:16

Of course YANBU. Smacking has just been made illegal in Wales, I hope England will follow soon and this is why it’s needed. No adult has the right to physically punish a child. You witnessed the distress it caused your daughter. She was probably very unsettled being away from you and her grandmother should have been comforting and understanding, not loosing her patience/temper.
And the ‘not normal’ comment on top, your mum clearly can’t cope with looking after them please don’t ever ask her to again.

Egghead68 · 09/04/2022 07:18

Don’t leave your children alone with her again.

anne2650 · 09/04/2022 07:19

It was a hand slap. Sounds like you're overreacting a bit. Speak to your DM and let her know that you're unhappy and you don't want it to happen again. Move on.

Marvellousmadness · 09/04/2022 07:22

She is the "sweetest little girl".
At the same time you say she is stubborn and you need patience to deal with her.

So basically she sounds like a handful
Doesnt give your mother the right to smack her though. But it was just a smack on the hand. Not assault as some pp's have mentioned Jeez Confused...

Just tell her to not do it again

WonderingWanda · 09/04/2022 07:24

My DM smacked me as a child but has never smacked my kids because I made nit clear how they were to be discliplined. Of course she shouldn't have done it but it sounds like she isn't really coping. Does she normally ook after your daughter on her own or was this just a one off and she is out of her depth? It is quite normal for once great parents to forget how to deal with children or to be surprised by the exhaustion of always being on the go. Lovely children can still be demanding and exhausting just being themselves.

If I were you I would explain to your Mum that it must never happen again but also invest a bit of time in teaching her how to manage your daughter. Also remember that your daughter is your world so you have all the time in the world for being patient with her but other people may want her to be a little bit more compliant a bit quicker....as may you now you have a new baby (also still not suggesting smacking is a way to achieve this, just trying to help you see howit might have happened). I don't think you need to jump straight to banning your mother from your life etc, people make mistakes. It seems like your Mum won't cope with lack of sleep or long stints of childcare and now you know. Congrats on the new baby too!

HangingRock25 · 09/04/2022 07:27

A tap on the hand is totally ok. I really hate the anti-discipline sentiment on here. Thankfully, not being in the UK we are not beholden to the woke tripe and smacking that is reasonable is perfectly allowed here. Your mum didn't abuse your child. In fact, it was only a tap on the hands, not even a smack on the bum. So your mum was actually very mild and was being responsible as a grandparent. Please don't listen to the anti-discipline woke garbage on here. You know your mother is not an abuser.

Fadeout83 · 09/04/2022 07:30

This really seems like a simple problem to solve. “Mum, smacking as discipline isn’t acceptable in our house. I’m not happy it happened. Please don’t do it again. Thanks”.

Have you ever discussed discipline methods with your mum? If not, as is evidenced in this thread, times have changed and some grandparents simply don’t know better.

Good lord the overreactions though. This is your mother and your child’s grandparent. I assume they otherwise have a lovely relationship. Have a chat before banishing her and explain clearly the boundaries.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/04/2022 07:31

Blimey some serious over reaction here. She smacked her hand!

Ponoka7 · 09/04/2022 07:32

"however have noticed since she has gotten older she's lost her mojo with kids and lacks patience."

So she's struggled to cope. I'm getting to the stage were I know I couldn't look after a child between 8 months and nearly 2, overnight and all day. I've told my DD this. I have done childcare for her children from six weeks and babysat other people's from the same.
Let her help with practical stuff, lifting the baby to you, tidying going out with the older ones etc, after a good night's sleep, but make it clear that it wasn't ok and it doesn't happen again.
It's interesting how we don't expect older men to look after young children. You can't fake being able to cope and it's unfair for someone to plan babies but need a lot of family help.