Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

[wantthisbabyout]

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

What would happen if a teacher lost their temper and smacked a child? It would result in instant dismissal. You cannot hit children today. Your child told you that Grandma hurt her. That is not a light tap on the hand. If your child tells nursery staff or a teacher they will have to report it.
I think it is wrong not to tell your husband and you need to make it absolutely clear to your mother that she cannot raise her hand to a little child in anger.
There was a thread here recently about a Dad who smacked his daughter's hand and the unanimous reaction was to report him and kick him out. So many posters ready to excuse someone hitting a child. It is completely unacceptable

When mums of grown up children are asked to look after grandchildren for periods of time on their own it can be challenging to say the least.

Just because I have had three children and lots of experience looking after little ones it is not the same as when I look after my grandchildren as they feel happy in my company and think it's OK to be naughty because I am a fun person, but I am older and get tired easily.

I don't smack. I do get tired and I get annoyed when people think I will look after grandchildren at the drop of a hat because what else would I be doing??

Your mum should be there for the fun times and not for childminding naughty children.

The smack on the hand should be a warning to you not to take advantage, and realise that she has a breaking point. I bet she feels very upset also

She hit your daughter and said (to your face) she ‘wishes they were normal.’ She doesn’t sound like someone to be babysitting the life anymore. If nothing else she obviously can’t cope with them. In future I’d try to organise other childcare.

Id tell your mum that you dont do that and you are going to have to have her word that she wont use physical punishments. That you appreciate the childcare but this ones important.
Remember this being the context that smacking was not only tolerated, but seen as healthy discipline until recently so i dont think id be OTT if this is an otherwise loving grandparent, willing to helping out etc. Im sure this can be discussed without going nuclear.

If you were 4x smaller than me and very vulnerable, would you thank me for hitting you?
You’re welcome.

I get where you’re coming from, and I’m not condoning the smack, but I’m saying there needs to be a sense of proportion here. I do remember being smacked on the back of my legs by my granny on one occasion when I must have been 6 or 7. It wasn’t nice and she shouldn’t have done it, but to never see her again/see her much less because of it? I would’ve been far more upset.

This could be sorted out between the OP and her mum without any need for hysteria, is what I’m saying.

The context is in the OP.

She was apparently 'not listening'.
Also, the OP's children are apparently not "normal".

She had never spoken to her mum about spanking because it hasn't happened before, though the OP's brothers have mentioned problems when gran dealt with their kids.

Just because smacking was normalised in some families in days gone by doesn't mean it was acceptable.

But personally I don’t think it’s justifiable to hit children ever. Whether it’s a ‘little tap’ or a ‘smacked hand’ or slapping them in the face. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable and wouldn’t leave my children with anybody who disagreed.

That was to @FrankLeeSpeaking

@Ijustreallywantacat

I was picturing an actual whack on the bum or back of legs. A smack on the hand and people are telling you to go NC ffs!

Just have a word with her and that’s that. After you have thanked her very much for looking after the kids when you know she struggles with it.

I mean what’s the difference? If it’s not ok to smack her in the face or on the back or on the chest why is it ok to smack her on the hands? Is it ok to slap her feet? The back of her head? Her ears?

It can’t be ‘oh it’s ok to slap children on the arms and hands but not belly or face.’ It’s not ok to slap kids. Or anybody!

I bet there are men who are 'upset' after they hit their wives. It is not a justification.
I am a grandmother and a teacher. I do a lot of childcare. I would never hit or verbally abuse a child. It will get back to someone in authority.
It is abuse. Indeed deliberately frightening a child is abuse.

I do get tired and I get annoyed when people think I will look after grandchildren at the drop of a hat because what else would I be doing??

Your mum should be there for the fun times and not for childminding naughty children.

FFS.

The OP is having a Caesarean Section. She's in hospital. The gran slept in the house overnight. This is clearly not a last minute whim.

She is not childminding 'naughty children' because the mother is off having a fucking jolly somewhere.

@wantthisbabyout

No never abusive fantastic mum to me And my brothers. however have noticed since she has gotten older she's lost her mojo with kids and lacks patience.

I will tell DH when he is back I just didn't want him to go back and start with her when I'm not there.

If she is a fantastic mum I would just leave it and not mention it to your husband. Have a word with your mum in private first and get the facts. If you’re not happy still i would tell her in no certain terms not to do it again

@thenewduchessoflapland

You're down playing this;your mother hit your child.Your mother is trying to brush it off;it hurt your child and most likely frightened them.Why are you withholding this information from your child's father?;he has a right to know and yes if he's angry he has a right to be.Why are you not angry?

I wouldn't leave your child alone with that woman again.

Get a grip

Jesus Christ- “it’s just a smack on the hand” people- this young child’s mother has gone into hospital to have a baby. Her mother needs care herself as well as reliable care for her daughter for about 48 hours while she has her c-section and baby.
It’s not like she swanned off to the pub in 1967 where doing whatever you want to an inconvenient child is ok. It’s abhorrent that the OP’s mum did this (there are no excuses) while OP is extremely vulnerable and cannot be there to care for or comfort her child.

@LoveSpringDaffs

Oh for the love of god, she smacked her hand, what a lot of OTT drama winding the OP up.

@wantthisbabyout. Ignore all the absolute bollocjs about not letting your mum nest the kids sgain. She smacked her hand. It's really not the end if the works, just ask her not to do it again if you're that bothered by it.

This.

Deereemer
"Smacking needs to be against the law. Completely unacceptable"

I totally agree.

@NewandNotImproved

@ScrollingLeaves explain attacks that are not abusive on kids? You’re embarrassing yourself.

All attacks are abusive, you are right, but this incident does not on the face of it seem to have been a violent, vicious, full on attack which is what abuse to children can be like. It was one smack on the hand ( unless OPs mother was lying).

So the OP has had a warning to never leave her mother alone in any stressful situation with the children again, but this can be repaired imo if her mother apologises to the child.

@ScrollingLeaves

‘Smacking’ and ‘spanking and ‘tapping’ are words used by abusers to justify attacking kids. Use the correct words. Your mother assaulted your child

I think it seems clear here there was no abusive hitting and beating going on here.

OP's mother admits to hitting a small child. Define the difference between an adult hitting a child and an adult abusively hitting a child, and explain how a child is supposed to tell the difference.

It's amazing how many people justify smacking with "it never did my son/daughter any harm", just because it was acceptable in the 70s and 80s doesn't make it acceptable in current times. My parents smacked us as children, it wasn't nice and only happened when they lost control, when we wouldn't do as we were told. They didn't sit us down and explain what we'd done wrong they shouted, chased and smacked. Fast forward 30 odd years I have my own young children, there is zero hitting and if they misbehave we don't lose control we explain what they did wrong, sit them on the bottom step of the stairs for 5 min or however long, they calm down and think about what they've done. They aren't frightened of being hit and they are polite and generally well behaved. My own parents look after them too and understand the errors of their ways hitting us, they'd never dream of even tapping their hands. Granted they have a lot more time and patients now but they just wouldn't get mad enough to resort to what they did when we were children. I accept its what most parents did back then, it wasn't right though.

Bloody hell, there's some really shit parents and grandparents on here

The op left the morning of the smack , it's not like the women had the dcs over night on her own the parents were there.

I didnt hit my children and wouldn't dream of hitting my grandchildren and I'd be furious if anyone else hit them .

Some posters will condone anything if it is done by themselves or by their mother. If a Mil hit a child, or a Dad there would be an uproar.
It is not acceptable to try and justify hitting and frightening a small child. Once someone starts to resort to physical punishment they do it again and again. Those posters who try to justify hitting, should be ashamed of themselves.

Firstly Congratulations on your new baby and speedy recovery OP

I personally don't agree with any form of smacking/spanking a child whether it leaves a mark or not. There's other ways to teach a child right from wrong.

If your in the UK, it's illegal for anyone without PA to smack a child and considered abuse for anyone with (or without) PA to smack a child and leave a mark

@mathanxiety

The context is in the OP.

She was apparently 'not listening'.
Also, the OP's children are apparently not "normal".

She had never spoken to her mum about spanking because it hasn't happened before, though the OP's brothers have mentioned problems when gran dealt with their kids.

Just because smacking was normalised in some families in days gone by doesn't mean it was acceptable.

Of course it wasn't acceptable, but does the OPs mother know that it's not acceptable now?

I personally wouldn't leave the mother in sole charge again, either, because it seems like she can't cope with the children for any length of time. Of course the OPs daughter is going to be unsettled with a new baby, her parents out of the house etc etc. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it with my mum based on the OP, though.

@Prudencia

Some posters will condone anything if it is done by themselves or by their mother. If a Mil hit a child, or a Dad there would be an uproar. It is not acceptable to try and justify hitting and frightening a small child. Once someone starts to resort to physical punishment they do it again and again. Those posters who try to justify hitting, should be ashamed of themselves.

@Prudencia absolutely agree. Am shocked people think smacking is OK in any situation, all because it was ok back in the day. To the pp above with the amazing daughter who calls children little shits! I'm afraid smacking kids back in the bygone years didn't stop generations of children growing up to be abusers or dealing with anger issues. I hate it when people say we are producing a generation of wussies if we don't discipline them like we were as children! What absolute rubbish. No one should be hitting children full stop. Doesn't matter how challenging they are or how tired you are. I have my dgs regularly and he has had major meltdowns because of sen and although being pushed to my limit no way was I going to make myself feel justified by hitting him. Op I hope you have a swift recovery. I've had 3 sections and I know how hard it is to be away from your children with the added pressure of thinking their gm is resorting to smacking. She needs to be told that's not acceptable. I wouldn't go as far as to say no contact but she needs to know that it's no on! But please don't dwell on it. Enjoy your new addition and make sure you rest!

Well you should obviously report her to police and make sure you never see her again!

Honesty people a bit of perspective.Just explain that it isn't acceptable and if disciplining is needed these are the methods used (naughty step etc).
Slap on a hand is hardly worth making a huge deal over.Just enforce that and leave it be.No need for drama