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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
MrsPsmalls · 08/04/2022 23:38

You asked her for a favour even though you know she can no longer cope with the children, as you and your brothers have already discussed. This is squarely on you. Why did you leave your child with someone you don't fully trust?

DietOrDie · 08/04/2022 23:40

@Deereemer

Smacking needs to be against the law. Completely unacceptable.
It already is in Wales
SmellyOldOwls · 08/04/2022 23:42

@FinnRussell

Tell your husband that he should be at home with the kids because your mum isn't really coping. Set firm boundaries for future. Keep it in perspective, she's a different generation and she didn't exactly batter her. It's not acceptable but it's not worth some of the OTT responses on here.
Yeah, this
thirdfiddle · 08/04/2022 23:44

If there's one time everyone should treat a toddler with the most patience and understanding it's when younger sibling is arriving.

I also think it would be best for DH to stay with kids from here on if you can manage mostly without him. On the most sympathetic take, granny has had no sleep and is in no fit state to look after a toddler.

hackettblue · 08/04/2022 23:47

This reply has been deleted

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WildHorsesRunInMe · 08/04/2022 23:50

I agree

YerAWizardHarry · 08/04/2022 23:51

@hackettblue I can guarantee my son and step son are more well adjusted and well rounded individuals than myself and my partner who were spanked as punishment. Rolling my eyes at your apparent successful daughter who refers to small children as little shits. You’ll see from the multitude of replies on this thread (undoubtedly from people who were affected by their own upbringing which involved physical violence) that people now are managing perfectly fine to raise their children without the need for spanking/slapping/hitting.

If someone lay a finger on me in my workplace I would phone the police. Really not sure why it’s suddenly acceptable in the situation when a fully grown adult is doing it to a child

WildHorsesRunInMe · 08/04/2022 23:52

@LoveSpringDaffs

Oh for the love of god, she smacked her hand, what a lot of OTT drama winding the OP up.

@wantthisbabyout. Ignore all the absolute bollocjs about not letting your mum nest the kids sgain. She smacked her hand. It's really not the end if the works, just ask her not to do it again if you're that bothered by it.

I agree, all this no unsupervised contact nonsense is ridiculous
NewandNotImproved · 08/04/2022 23:53

‘Smacking’ and ‘spanking and ‘tapping’ are words used by abusers to justify attacking kids. Use the correct words. Your mother assaulted your child.
The pro child abuse posters-would you be fine if someone 200X bigger than you attacked you? Why????
Don’t leave your kid with anyone who assaults children. There is no justification for child abuse. Any attempt at justifying it simply strengthens the case for protecting kids from abuse. HTH

Ijustreallywantacat · 08/04/2022 23:54

I was picturing an actual whack on the bum or back of legs. A smack on the hand and people are telling you to go NC ffs!

Just have a word with her and that’s that. After you have thanked her very much for looking after the kids when you know she struggles with it.

EthelTheAardvark · 08/04/2022 23:54

@hackettblue, these are the children of the present, not the children of the future.

You were unable to control your child without hitting her. That is no reason for assuming that everyone else should parent the same way. How would you feel if she waits till you're old and vulnerable and starts hitting you?

hackettblue · 08/04/2022 23:55

If you read my post correctly she tells me they’re little shits not anyone else - apologies for my common family language

TeamLorenaBobbitt · 08/04/2022 23:55

@hackettblue

I really despair about the raising of children in this day and age, these are the children of the future and if they can’t deal with any sort of chastisement I pity the future. Your DD had her hand smacked by grandma for gods sake get over yourself. I speak as a mother who has 2 beautiful daughters nearing their 40s the elder of which was a nightmare child / of course must be all my fault that I didn’t have experience, but she was occasionally smacked - shock horror - usually when she became hysterical about something or other which was rapidly followed by a quick calm down and cuddles. Ironically she has worked in the childcare sector for the last 22 years with fantastic results and laughs to this day about what a little shit she was and how she can ‘spot’ likewise children within an hour of meeting them. She has grown to a beautiful caring woman and in no way was ‘traumatised’ by the occasional smack - get over yourselves for gods sake.
Wow! You sound charming. Who are you to speak to anyone that way, let alone a mummy who's just given birth, is away from her other babies and is managing multiple parties in a difficult situation. Perhaps it's you that needs to get over yourself, you seem to have a super high opinion of yourself. On a side note......a childcare worker who calls a child "a little shit" within an hour probably shouldn't be doing that job, or has that child to get over themselves too 🤦🏼‍♀️😂. Maybe your parenting style wasn't so flawless after all, sounds like you've produced a Miss Trunchbull
KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 08/04/2022 23:56

I wouldn't be ok with this and I'd be telling her so. Much like she wanted to teach your child a lesson by smacking I'd be teaching her a lesson by not letting her be around your kids again. I just wouldn't trust someone who is happy to hit a child, it doesn't matter if it's just a smack on the hand, there are other ways to discipline a child that doesn't involve physical abuse.

NewandNotImproved · 08/04/2022 23:56

Oh wow, people actually want someone who physically harms a kid to be allowed unsupervised access? Wow, that’s appalling.

ScrollingLeaves · 08/04/2022 23:57

‘Smacking’ and ‘spanking and ‘tapping’ are words used by abusers to justify attacking kids. Use the correct words. Your mother assaulted your child

I think it seems clear here there was no abusive hitting and beating going on here.

mathanxiety · 08/04/2022 23:58

You must never let your mother be in sole charge of your children again. How horrible for you to have learned this the hard way, when you are recovering from major abdominal surgery, and presumably hoping to be able to get help from your mum when you return home with a newborn.

I'm glad you're telling your DH. If this was the other way round I'm sure you would want to know what MIL had done.

Sit down with your brothers when the dust settles and compare notes wrt your mother's behaviour. Losing it with children when she was a loving mother in her younger years might be a sign of early dementia. I would be concerned about that "normal" comment too.

To those saying this is much ado about nothing, there is only the gran's word that it was a little smack on the hand. She was already grumpy at 6:45 and she complained that she wished all the OP's kids were "normal". I suggest this is a woman who thinks it's ok to take out her frustration, resentment, anxiety, and tiredness on children, and I would be very inclined to class the minimising as a lie. She might well have walloped the child pretty hard on the hand.

makinganavalon · 08/04/2022 23:58

@hackettblue
It really is shock horror that a grown woman hits a hysterical child instead of calming her. Many of us will never stop finding that horrific and many of us will have to live with the trauma of that happening to us.

NewandNotImproved · 08/04/2022 23:58

@Ijustreallywantacat

I was picturing an actual whack on the bum or back of legs. A smack on the hand and people are telling you to go NC ffs!

Just have a word with her and that’s that. After you have thanked her very much for looking after the kids when you know she struggles with it.

If you were 4x smaller than me and very vulnerable, would you thank me for hitting you? You’re welcome.
mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 00:00

Oh for the love of god, she smacked her hand, what a lot of OTT drama winding the OP up.

Front of hand?

Back of hand?

Got a crystal ball there?

NewandNotImproved · 09/04/2022 00:00

@ScrollingLeaves explain attacks that are not abusive on kids? You’re embarrassing yourself.

Original poster
wantthisbabyout · 09/04/2022 00:01

I think it was seeing DD so upset which just triggered me to be honest and my mum saying oh it was just a little smack on the hand. I'm a bit emotional at the moment too so don't think that helps.

Think i best get some sleep Blush

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 09/04/2022 00:02

Yeah. Keep the woman away from kids.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 00:03

...laughs to this day about what a little shit she was and how she can ‘spot’ likewise children within an hour of meeting them. She has grown to a beautiful caring woman

Anyone else see the glaring contradiction in this passage?

FrankLeeSpeaking · 09/04/2022 00:06

Whats the context?

EG, for example if your daughter was reaching for a cup of hot water or something dangerous, gently hitting her hand away can be excused.

Does your mum know you don't agree with it? Did your mum/relatives smack you? If she did, then she may think that you think its OK too. My aunts, uncles granny, parents, etc etc all smacked me in my time. Not saying I agree with smacking at all, mind you, but it was very normalised in my family growing up.

If, however, you have previously spoken to your mum about it, then YANBU.