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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

516 replies

wantthisbabyout · 08/04/2022 22:43

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 21:01

Raising one’s voice is also not an effective / appropriate form of discipline. Of course it happens- we are all human. But I certainly wouldn’t use it as an example of how to parent well.

Also, raising a voice (to shout if a kid leans over to tough a candle, for example) is an instant reaction. I can’t think of a single time a colleague has slapped my hand away from something dangerous. Or tapped me, or smacked me or any of the other vocabulary trotted out on here. It’s like that reaction is controlable around adults but miraculously, not children.

woodhill · 09/04/2022 21:36

Yes but it's an adult world and you are trying to be professional at work

Do you never shout at your husband or at your parents when you lived at home. At least you can be yourself there. You are not trying to out on an act itms

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2022 21:38

@woodhill

Yes but it's an adult world and you are trying to be professional at work

Do you never shout at your husband or at your parents when you lived at home. At least you can be yourself there. You are not trying to out on an act itms

Yes, but I don’t hit them! That’s my point, hitting is not instinctive, in the same way shouting is.
LizzieW1969 · 09/04/2022 22:02

Both my DH and I were smacked when we were growing up. Yet my DM and MIL would never think of smacking their DGDs, as they know that we don’t do that. My DM once threatened to ‘whack’ DD1 when she was 4 years old, I warned her never to do that again and she hasn’t.

Wherever we stand on the issue of smacking as a form of discipline, it’s completely inappropriate for a grandparent to take it upon themselves to smack a child. So the OP’s DM was completely out of order for that reason alone.

However, there are some very OTT responses here. There’s no need for any draconian response here. The OP should tell her mum that smacking her DD was unacceptable and she must never do it again. They have a good relationship so they can surely talk this through and move on.

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2022 23:36

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper kids threaten often to tell their parents even if just told no at times
If you go and ask kids not to be trouble makers outside your house they sometimes threaten to tell their parents
You really seem clueless [/quote]
yes agreed worried she does a lot, and already has stated upthread shes a teacher , i find that worrying in itself , all i can say is wouldnt last five minutes teaching in the huge secondary school my dd goes to , i think standing there like a twat speaking in a calm gentle voice wouldnt be stopping the violent fights between students that sometimes occur lol

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 23:40

[quote worriedatthistime]@Nennypops except many of them aren't children who are smacked
So you are just making a huge assumption
I know people who don't smack but also don't have other boundaries and there children are poorly behaved [/quote]
It's hardly surprising that parents who don't impose boundaries may have poorly behaved children. However, all over the world parents and teachers manage to impose boundaries very successfully without hitting children.

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 23:44

[quote brainhurts]@Nennypops
As I said we don't know what caused her to be smacked, was she playing up and gran lost her temper, was she doing something dangerous.
I don't condone the losing temper but can relate to the knee jerk reaction of gran seeing dander and child not listening.
[/quote]
Fairly obviously she wasn't doing something dangerous, otherwise grandma would have told OP. If this woman were subject to knee-jerk reactions that cause her to lose her temper and hit people, again I'm sure OP would have mentioned it. It's pretty obvious that she reserves her hitting for small children and she can't sensibly pretend that anything the child did justified it unless she would hit an adult in exactly the same circumstances.

coolbean · 09/04/2022 23:44

I'd be so upset 😭 and the comment "I wish your kids were normal" what kind of nan says this?! I'd be furious! I'd put her at a distance from that moment personally...

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 23:45

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper she swatted the hand away which would be quicker and a reflex action
Trying to grab it could result in more of a struggle , again your judging a situation without being there
Sometimes we react quickly [/quote]
Even quicker would be to shout at the child. Saying "Stop! It's dangerous!" takes half a second.

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 23:46

@Cherryblossoms85

Eh? She tapped her hand. Not a particularly great parenting technique, but also not abuse or against the law. I think I'm just too old for this site.
She didn't tap it. There would be no point in tapping. She smacked in order to cause pain, and she succeeded.
Nennypops · 09/04/2022 23:51

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper kids threaten often to tell their parents even if just told no at times
If you go and ask kids not to be trouble makers outside your house they sometimes threaten to tell their parents
You really seem clueless [/quote]
It's not a great idea to accuse someone else of being clueless when you have failed to learn basic grammar.

chaosrabbitland · 10/04/2022 01:53

@coolbean

I'd be so upset 😭 and the comment "I wish your kids were normal" what kind of nan says this?! I'd be furious! I'd put her at a distance from that moment personally...
we have no idea if the nan is just past being able to handle looking after her young grandchildren and does if more out of obligation than really wanting to or if the sweet little girl that can be stubborn and needs patience is a pain who wants her own way and wont shut up moaning till she gets it requiring a saint to deal with her . who knows? something does trigger the nan to make that comment and i dont think its because shes some sort of demon
Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:21

I agree this is completely unacceptable. Hope you’re ok OP and your DD is too

PupInAPram · 10/04/2022 10:29

@toomanydogsandcats

It's ironic how the angriest and most aggressive posters are in the anti hand tap team. Abusive behaviour can be verbal or written as well as touching someone's hand.
I think there are people being extreme and aggressive on both sides of the divide, but also people being reasonable and civil on both sides.
Nennypops · 10/04/2022 10:33

we have no idea if the nan is just past being able to handle looking after her young grandchildren and does if more out of obligation than really wanting to or if the sweet little girl that can be stubborn and needs patience is a pain who wants her own way and wont shut up moaning till she gets it requiring a saint to deal with her . who knows? something does trigger the nan to make that comment and i dont think its because shes some sort of demon

You've left out the third possibility, namely that she wants to look after her grandchildren but doesn't give a small child leeway for being upset about the change in the routine and the absence of her mother, and thinks it's OK to hit her.

Jannt86 · 10/04/2022 10:38

@toomanydogsandcats

It's ironic how the angriest and most aggressive posters are in the anti hand tap team. Abusive behaviour can be verbal or written as well as touching someone's hand.
The only thing I have said that could be marginally interpretted as aggressive was in retaliation to somone in the 'other camp' calling a small child a spoiled brat and with very little context at that. Being honest and not tolerating viscious and out of date attitudes isn't aggressive. You can close your ears to the evidence all you want but gaslighting people isn't going to work
LizzieW1969 · 10/04/2022 11:04

I think this thread is divided because it’s clear that the OP’s DM was a great mum to her growing up and apparently never smacked her growing up. So what she did appears to have been out of character.

Obviously her DM will have to accept that she was in the wrong and that she won’t smack her DGD again. If she doesn’t accept that then obviously that’s a more serious issue.

Personally, I’d be a lot more concerned about her comment about her DGD not being ‘normal’.

chaosrabbitland · 10/04/2022 12:26

@Nennypops

we have no idea if the nan is just past being able to handle looking after her young grandchildren and does if more out of obligation than really wanting to or if the sweet little girl that can be stubborn and needs patience is a pain who wants her own way and wont shut up moaning till she gets it requiring a saint to deal with her . who knows? something does trigger the nan to make that comment and i dont think its because shes some sort of demon

You've left out the third possibility, namely that she wants to look after her grandchildren but doesn't give a small child leeway for being upset about the change in the routine and the absence of her mother, and thinks it's OK to hit her.

this could be the case , but the op had admitted nan has lost her mojo with kids and has less patience , so this is on the op , it wasnt a good idea then for nan to be left overnight to look after a child that is by ops own words very stubborn and needs lots of patience dealing with her , oh the thing that nanna seems to be lacking in . none of us know what the kid was playing up about and shes also stated that the nan did say shed had no sleep . was this because she was up half the night dealing with whinging kid ? , the comment i wish your kids were normal should have been the warning to op that nan obviously finds them hard work .

whatever the rights and wrongs of the smack were its clear really that that the nan shouldnt have had to look after the kids all night and next day , even if she had volunteered for it she could have spent the night in her own home and come in the morning to give husband a break

Nennypops · 10/04/2022 12:37

this could be the case , but the op had admitted nan has lost her mojo with kids and has less patience , so this is on the op , it wasnt a good idea then for nan to be left overnight to look after a child that is by ops own words very stubborn and needs lots of patience dealing with her , oh the thing that nanna seems to be lacking in . none of us know what the kid was playing up about and shes also stated that the nan did say shed had no sleep . was this because she was up half the night dealing with whinging kid ? , the comment i wish your kids were normal should have been the warning to op that nan obviously finds them hard work

But absolutely none of that justifies hitting the child or makes it OP's fault. Do we think that Granny would have hit an adult in that situation? If not, we are assuming that she has self-control, but she chose not to use it with a small child.

chaosrabbitland · 10/04/2022 12:47

@Nennypops

this could be the case , but the op had admitted nan has lost her mojo with kids and has less patience , so this is on the op , it wasnt a good idea then for nan to be left overnight to look after a child that is by ops own words very stubborn and needs lots of patience dealing with her , oh the thing that nanna seems to be lacking in . none of us know what the kid was playing up about and shes also stated that the nan did say shed had no sleep . was this because she was up half the night dealing with whinging kid ? , the comment i wish your kids were normal should have been the warning to op that nan obviously finds them hard work

But absolutely none of that justifies hitting the child or makes it OP's fault. Do we think that Granny would have hit an adult in that situation? If not, we are assuming that she has self-control, but she chose not to use it with a small child.

its just down to if you believe that spanking or smaking a misbehaving child is or not , already stated i was spanked on 3 occasians by my mum and i hardly feel i was assaulted by her , in fact i deserved it if i remember rightly esp the case when i had sworn at her . and yes regardless of all that its the ops fault . when the nan stated shed had no sleep and wished the kids were normal that should have been when she said ok mum you need to go home get some sleep , dave or whatever husbands name is can look after them now . it was obviously then really getting to the nan and shed clearly had enough by then
Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2022 14:03

You definitely didn’t deserve to be hit @chaosrabbitland - I’m really sorry you feel you did. You didn’t,

chaosrabbitland · 10/04/2022 14:50

@Pumperthepumper

You definitely didn’t deserve to be hit *@chaosrabbitland* - I’m really sorry you feel you did. You didn’t,
huh , you have lost me with that one lol , maybe its time for an afternoon sunday nap for you !
worriedatthistime · 10/04/2022 14:55

@Nennypops its not english gcse my grammar is irrelevant but if it makes you feel better to point it out , then so be it
Im used to it what with being dyslexic etc so go for it

worriedatthistime · 10/04/2022 14:56

@Nennypops was you there ? No thought not , so you have no idea if it was a tap or more do you

worriedatthistime · 10/04/2022 15:00

@Nennypops but what if they don't stop , then its too late isn't it
I grabbed my son and caused a mark when he went to step in a road , I could of shouted stop but if he hadn't ? So grabbing him was a safer option
Stop being so judgemental this post is full of it , those thinking they are better than others and that no kid is ever naughty or pushes boundaries and that we should just do zero discipline
You parent your kids and leave others to parent theirs