Mum spanked DD whilst I'm in hospital

[wantthisbabyout]

Currently in hospital after my c-section apologies if this is all over the place as I'm half asleep!

Mum stayed over last night and complained this morning that she hadn't slept all night. We left at 6:45 this morning and she was up. She also said yesterday that she wishes my kids were "normal"

I FaceTimed her today with the kids and DD was upset saying grandma hurt me and my mum said oh it's ok it was only a little spank on the hand as she hasn't been listening.

My DD is the sweetest little girl ever, yes she is very stubborn but you just need to have patience with her.

AIBU to feel like my mum has just lost her temper and probably felt a bit angry and spanked her? I feel so upset about anyone touching my kids.

DH has just popped home now to get some sleepsuits but I dare not tell him because he will be so angry.

I would tell dd that it was not ok for her gran to spank her but that she needs to listen her her gran and do as she is asked

That would be a terrible message to send a child.

@Pumperthepumper
Some children like to tell there parents everything. They thought telling the parents would distract from the fact they were doing something dangerous, there bad behaviour would be forgotten because I stopped them .
To this day the parent hasn't been in contact, years later, Im not sure how as a parent I would react if my child said ' miss pushed / swatted / solved by Hand away from the plug because I wouldn't stop putting a paper clip in it "
Yes sack her

[quote worriedatthistime]@Jannt86 so also how comes many of us have grown up quite well adjusted adults
My parents prob smacked us maybe 3 times ever , I don't remember the occasions personally just what my mum has told me as they were not regular smackers , im not damaged by it and we have a great relationship and they have a good one with my dc as well
Sometimes people react without thinking [/quote]
Well then it was hardly the staple of your parenting then was it so not exactly a relevant experiment. My own experience was that my own dad was regularly beat up by his dad. He would appear a reasonably well-adjusted man and on the whole he is. However that violence was passed on to his children and I acknowledge that I am a significantly more anxious and emotionally volatile individual than I might be if I'd been parented more gently.

The level of 'damage' that hitting does to a child probably depends entirely on their inherited personality type, the context of the rest of their parenting and the level of violence they were subjected to and at what age. It's logically flawed to state that just because some people were hit and 'turned out ok' that it's an effective parenting method. Sure some people who were hit did develop ok but the fact is that the majority of people in prisons or with unhelpful personality types were subjected to violence or emotional abuse or both as children ie; not all kids who were smacked become criminals but most criminals were smacked as children

I think gentle parenting is more important nowadays too as a lot of the 'protective factors' which might have made it less of a big deal in previous generations are no longer as prevelent. Parents don't tend to have as long to bond with their child as it's far more commonplace for mum to go to work. It's more common for people to have less of a support network as people live away from extended family and we don't associate with our neighbours etc so our 'village' is gone. Kids are more exposed to social media/screentime and nit as able to play and negotiate relationships. This all very much matters.

There's a lot of strong evidence that parental connection is very important in child development and if you want a crude example of this then google Harlow's monkeys. It's pretty obvious that physical violence on some level breaks that connection.

Parenting styles may differ over time but sorry I don't think it's ever again going to be considered acceptable parenting to be physically violent

[quote brainhurts]@Pumperthepumper
Some children like to tell there parents everything. They thought telling the parents would distract from the fact they were doing something dangerous, there bad behaviour would be forgotten because I stopped them .
To this day the parent hasn't been in contact, years later, Im not sure how as a parent I would react if my child said ' miss pushed / swatted / solved by Hand away from the plug because I wouldn't stop putting a paper clip in it "
Yes sack her [/quote]
You’re not sure how you’d react if someone did to your kid what you did to someone else’s?

@Pumperthepumper
You clearly don't get sarcasm.
If my child said miss stopped me electrocuting themselves, my first thought would be thank you , my second a punishment for my child for being stupid.

[quote brainhurts]@Pumperthepumper
You clearly don't get sarcasm.
If my child said miss stopped me electrocuting themselves, my first thought would be thank you , my second a punishment for my child for being stupid.[/quote]
Would you hit them?

It's not acceptable to hit people. If someone my daughter trusted hit her I think it would actually traumatise her. She doesn't expect to get hit, it would be such a shock and she would feel so betrayed.

I'm afraid that if someone hit my child that person couldn't have unsupervised contact with them again, and it would be up to my daughter whether she wanted to see the person again or not.

I've never spanked my child's hand. It's unfathomable to me to even think about spanking someone else's child.

Good grief. I hope OP stopped reading this thread. She'll be getting all worked up because of this thread.

@Pumperthepumper
If by would you hit them you mean would I hit my child, no , by punching it would be no TV , no football, and to go to school and say sorry

[quote brainhurts]@Pumperthepumper
If by would you hit them you mean would I hit my child, no , by punching it would be no TV , no football, and to go to school and say sorry [/quote]
All because you’d believe an adult’s version of what happened over your kid’s? That’s really sad.

@Pumperthepumper kids threaten often to tell their parents even if just told no at times
If you go and ask kids not to be trouble makers outside your house they sometimes threaten to tell their parents
You really seem clueless

@Pumperthepumper
So my child comes home and says they did something naughty, they confess they did it .
I think I would look pretty stupid staying my child has confessed this happened can the adult back them up .

This is distracting From ops post so I won't be defending my reaction to stop a potentially fatal outcome further.

@Jannt86 gentle parenting , as in never saying no and no boundaries
There is very clear evidence that children do need boundaries
Ao many parents think their children aren't badly behaved, when in fact they are to most others
Some of these children grow up alright some don't
Your example of many in prison will be extreme violence not a tap on the hand a couple of times throughout childhood , totally different scenario as you well know

Does the tap have to hurt?

@Pumperthepumper so you believe a kid every time over an adult
Kids also lie , its a case of listening to both sides and getting the facts
Are you the sort of parent that of your child is told off at school you go marching in as there is no way your little darling did anything wrong and it must of been someone else
Normally when things happen there are multiple accounts , I don't instantly believe or nor believe, I try and establish the facts first and foremost

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper so you believe a kid every time over an adult
Kids also lie , its a case of listening to both sides and getting the facts
Are you the sort of parent that of your child is told off at school you go marching in as there is no way your little darling did anything wrong and it must of been someone else
Normally when things happen there are multiple accounts , I don't instantly believe or nor believe, I try and establish the facts first and foremost [/quote]
Does a tap have to hurt to be an effective deterrent?

@Pumperthepumper how Am i cold and intolerent , you don't know me
You seem a bit clueless and think that your right and all are wrong
The scenario where i asked children to move on from my property was because they were damaging it and one also had a knife in their hand , trying to cut bushes etc
This was dangerous and i asked them to stop doing it and they said I will tell my mum your telling us off, well wasn't an issue as I went and told the num myself that their young child had a knife
Mum was horrified , the child denied it but then when pressed by mum admitted it
That isn't cold thats about having a childs welfare considered as they could of hurt themselves
Lucky the mum took my word at least to start with , rather than slam the door in my face and say my child never lies
Adults lie too so its always tricky but often we know our own children and I know if mine are lying or just being loose with the truth

@Pumperthepumper no its doesn't have to hurt it can just be a shock
Same if someone raises a voice who doesn't normally it causes most to stop even for a second or two
Gosh my kids have told me their brothers hurt them when I have been there and seen what happened , at times
There kids , they aren't silly at times
I would never not intently believe my child but I would listen and get as much info from them and any others that were there first and foremost so I could make a better informed judgement

When my kids were small, it was common practice to give them a " little tap " on the hand , thank goodness those days are over. Some of the posters on here seem way over the top just have a quiet word with her.

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper no its doesn't have to hurt it can just be a shock
Same if someone raises a voice who doesn't normally it causes most to stop even for a second or two
Gosh my kids have told me their brothers hurt them when I have been there and seen what happened , at times
There kids , they aren't silly at times
I would never not intently believe my child but I would listen and get as much info from them and any others that were there first and foremost so I could make a better informed judgement[/quote]
So if it doesn’t hurt, why do it?

[quote worriedatthistime]@Jannt86 gentle parenting , as in never saying no and no boundaries
There is very clear evidence that children do need boundaries
Ao many parents think their children aren't badly behaved, when in fact they are to most others
Some of these children grow up alright some don't
Your example of many in prison will be extreme violence not a tap on the hand a couple of times throughout childhood , totally different scenario as you well know [/quote]
Absolutely there's a difference and one tap on the hand is unlikely to be anywhere near as damaging as persistent aggression but it's the principle. I would still take massive issue with anyone who physically assaulted my child and at the very least it'd be a big red flag to me that they aren't coping with their babysitting duties which is pretty much what I've said in a pp.

What you're describing isn't gentle parenting it's permissive parenting. This also has it's own issues and it's entirely possible to be a gentle parent without being a permissive parent it's just arguably harder work which is IMO why people prefer to just pretend that smacking is better...

[quote worriedatthistime]@Pumperthepumper no its doesn't have to hurt it can just be a shock
Same if someone raises a voice who doesn't normally it causes most to stop even for a second or two
Gosh my kids have told me their brothers hurt them when I have been there and seen what happened , at times
There kids , they aren't silly at times
I would never not intently believe my child but I would listen and get as much info from them and any others that were there first and foremost so I could make a better informed judgement[/quote]
Raising one’s voice is also not an effective / appropriate form of discipline. Of course it happens- we are all human. But I certainly wouldn’t use it as an example of how to parent well.

It's ironic how the angriest and most aggressive posters are in the anti hand tap team. Abusive behaviour can be verbal or written as well as touching someone's hand.