As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

It's not an easy thing to do but sometimes you have to take away someone's ability to hurt you. So for that reason, I would not put anything in writing. It will only be used against you.
Detach as much as you can. In an ideal world, we would all have lovely parents and great relationships with them. But we don't.

My mother would win prizes for passive aggressive behaviour. It's something I will not let myself indulge in. If I think I am veering towards that type of behaviour I stamp on it, inwardly. I also now do quite a good line in not noticing or understanding certain things, especially when it comes to my mother and another sibling.

Sometimes that's all one can do. Don't waste any more tears or dwell on it. Detach, don't allow her to hurt you.

OP you sound lovely and I'm so sorry your dm isn't the mother figure you deserve. Please know that this is nothing to do with you and everything to do with her

How horrible for you, so sorry. I would be ghosting your mother and brother - time to draw a line and protect yourself.

I always felt my mother never loved me (well she did leave when I was 4 so she most likely didn’t) I spent my whole life trying to do nice things for her, trying to get her attention. It wasn’t until I had therapy at 51 that I managed to sort my feelings out and come to terms with our relationship.

I’d highly recommend you finding a very good therapist who has lots of experience in childhood/parent relationships. It will help you so much x

I agree with others who advise taking a step back. Low contact not no contact. When it’s her birthday l would just send a card with “from Swayingpalmtrees and family with a gift token. Let it speak for itself. Let her phone you. If she goes into a rant about her mental health, just say “yes, Mum” in a disinterested voice. Then, after about five minutes, tell her you have to go. How do you get on with your in-laws? How about your father?

Also, do try and get some therapy.

Ah this sounds really shitty. Sorry op.

My mum has been similar throughout the pandemic re my sister. I keep contact to a bare minimum but she has sod all interest in mine/the kids' lives in any event. It has been this way for years. The dynamic between her and my sister is very destructive for both those parties tbh.

It doesn't sound like she feels safe or happy around you. I'm so sorry.

Don’t make contact and see how long it takes her to notice you haven’t called.

As a mother I wouldn't be able to do this, but I'm ashamed to say as a daughter, I hold my dad at arms length like your mother does to you. Atleast in my situation it comes from a place where I do not feel at ease or happy around him.
He takes risks which I don't want to expose my family to with covid- even now. Doesn't sanitise, doesn't wash his hands, doesn't understand how to use a mask correctly and whilst he says he only sees one / two people, he and they are practicing heroin addicts- not exactly low risk individuals.
He is not a person I enjoy being around for other reasons too, but it does boil down to feeling anxious and quite depressed before and after seeing him.

What is your relationship usually like with her?

You definitely need to join the Stately Homes thread, none of this behaviour is normal and it’s not your fault.

Please don’t write to your mother to tell her how you feel, it will simply give her more ammunition to berate you with and also increase her feelings of power over you.

Distance yourself as much as you can, you are not obliged to have any kind of relationship with her just because she gave birth to you. I can guarantee that when the time comes for her to need additional help/care your brother will be nowhere to be seen and you will be expected to do everything. Don’t let them do this to you.

I'm so sorry you are being treated like this. Society pretends that all mothers are kind and loving. Sadly, many of us have found it's not true.

I know what is like to have an unloving mother and the effort and pain we are prepared to go through to "earn" the love we should have been able to take for granted. It doesn't make you a doormat, it makes you a normal human being dealing with a great misfortune.

There are a number of safe and supportive groups on Facebook if you are a member.

Good luck.

Ask yourself this... If she was a friend, not a relative, would you put up with this kind of behaviour from them?

Family makes us try to hold onto bonds/relationships longer than we would if we weren't related.. its like there is this expectation that being a parent/child means you're obliged to put up with whatever shit they throw your way.

Sometimes it betters to step back and think.. would i put up with that from a friend? The answer is usually, invariably, NO you wouldn't.

Its ok to not seek a relationship with them, its ok to admit that actually, blood bond aside, they're NOT your cup of tea, you don't actually like them (and maybe they don't like you) and to cut the strings and walk away.

Your mum is a narcissist. Focus on your family, the love you create and feel with them. Shove that in her face and disconnect. She doesn't love you (I'm saying this in the nicest way possible and I know it hurts to hear that, but coming from a similar place and what worked for me is to open my eyes) , she doesn't love anyone but herself.

i wouldnt be making any more effort at contact , it might be painful , but surely not as painful as this snubs and pathetic excuses shes gives now to you in favour of your brother

I’m sorry OP. I really feel for you when you say you wish for that “slippers” feeling of not having to think about anyone else and have someone give you a hug and cup of tea. I hope you find that person somewhere else, if that’s possible.

More so, I hope you find peace and happiness from letting go, which sounds from the many posters who’ve experience of this what you need to do.

You sound like a wonderful person with a wonderful family of your own. I hope you have a lovely holiday in Devon and come back refreshed. (FYI I was in Devon last weekend and the weather in that part was beautiful ).

@Babdoc

OP, not all mothers are normal and loving. Nasty narcissistic bitches also have children, and enjoy manipulating them. I think you need to grieve for the loss of the mother you never had - the normal, loving mother that you deserved, and that you are to your own DC. And accept that your own mother will never be that person nor will she admit to being in the wrong. Reduce or cut contact, to protect your own mental wellbeing and that of your children. Refuse to play the victim in your mother’s sick games. A therapist would help you work through any inappropriate guilt this might cause you, and help you get rid of any sense of obligation to this horrible woman. You can free yourself, and break the cycle, by being a great mum to the next generation. Go for it!

This. Some mother/daughter relationships can be psychologically harmful.

Hugs to you OP, I know what it's like to have more favoured siblings.
Just 2 examples:
Met mother's vicar friend for the first time, nice guy and I think he knew what she's like. He said that it was lovely to meet me, but didn't realise that she had a daughter as he'd only ever heard her talk about DB!!
Mother will drive twice as far to visit DB who lives out in the sticks, some of the roads are only wide enough for 1 car to pass at a time and very twisty. I live in a smallish town with much safer roads, but she doesn't like driving in my town because it's too busy so won't visit! She has a snobby side to her.

I am so sorry OP. It really hurts to realise your mum doesn’t love or care for you. I cut my mum loose 9 years ago after a string of abuse and similar experiences. She used to get a thrill from hurting me. It is really hard to make the decision and the first few weeks were tough, but it was one of the best things I have ever done. I found it impossible to be happy when she was playing games, making demanding phone calls and treating me like shit on her shoe. I think for me the only way to move on in my life was to remove her from it. My sister did the same and we both found our mental health improved immeasurably.

@tomatorich112

I have a similar mother. Very passive aggressive and my brother is the original golden child.

The things she has done over the years are distressing, I found out she paid for my brothers wedding, house deposit, childcare etc. Never gave me a penny, even when I bought my fist house and was so broke I didn't eat and had a car off the road.

She's been playing PA mind games for years, comments when she visits are always derogatory and rude. She nitpicks at anything less than perfect, she once came when old sofa was in the middle of the room awaiting collecting, couldn't stop going on about the inconvenience of it.

She refused to visit one Christmas when my kids were small, as she wasn't feeling Christmas that year... I didn't speak to her for 18 months after, (I had become quite pissed off with her) she contacted me eventually and was annoyed, apparently it was my turn to call her and I didn't...

I think a lot if it boils down to her believing daughters have a duty to contact mothers...I can't be arsed with all the mind games and have take a big step away.

She gave me a cheque for a couple of thousand pounds at xmas, and said she has given some money to my brother and wanted to give me some..I never cashed the cheque.(The damage she has done to my mental health over the years with her favouritism is shocking.) It's easier to stand on my own two feet and let her fester in what she's done.

Take a step away OP, it's easier long term. Concentrate on your own family, I have the most amazing relationship with my own children, learn from this. x

Well you have made me fill up.

How simply awful.

You sound truly amazing surviving her and thriving.

Your children are so lucky to have you as a role model.

"May she die screaming" is an old saying a flat mate of mine used to say.

It used to make me laugh at its ridiculousness but since being on MN, it has often crossed my mind.

So "may she die screaming"

You sound lovely OP and I am so sorry this is happening for you. To be clear, this sort of parenting / narcissism or whatever you wish to cause it does damage your perception of what is ok and what is not. Your mother’s behaviour is inexcusable and incredibly hurtful. I would suggest a really amazing therapist to help you work through this and then towards cutting her out (explaining to your children why you are doing that). Screw her and the rest of her extended family who have been complicit in her abuse. So sorry

I am so sorry - you & your DH sound lovely. I would ignore her and the others and get on with your lovely life with your DH & children - she has made her choices - you reap what you sow.

for you.

Oh OP I just want to sweep you and your family up and give you a big hug! You sound like you may be an empath and if so it's probably even harder for you to understand how someone who is supposed to love you could be so cruel and trample your feelings. I'm so so sorry your mum is not being the parent you would love to have and deserve.
As many have said she sounds like a narcissist. All the hallmarks are there, playing the victim, trying to create drama, divide and conquer, bullying behaviour. I wouldn't write to her with feelings expecting her to emphasise with you. It would be like sending your feelings to a brick wall, she doesn't understand. Or worse she will have got what she wants, a reaction from you. People like this have boring little lives so they enjoy playing a game of chess with their own family members as pawns for their entertainment. The more you react and the greater the wedge she puts between your brother and you the more satisfaction she gets. I have seen this play out in my husband's family. The only method that works is 'Grey rock'. To do that you need to accept that she will never be the loving mother you deserve no matter how hard you try, whatever gifts you bring etc it will never be enough. It's not you it's her. To accept this it may take therapy as it's a bitter pill to swallow. It sounds as though your children have already sensed what she is like and have already employed their own version of grey rock. Smart kids. Focus on your own little family and on being the best mum to them and best wife to your husband because they are the ones who love you. I hope you have an amazing holiday in Devon and come back feeling refreshed and able to let go of trying so hard to win your mother's attention. You could write the letter as if to tell her how you feel, get it off your chest. Then burn the letter, or else keep it in a drawer and never send it but keep it as a reminder if you feel you are straying from grey rock. I do think that karma comes eventually to people who treat others poorly.Either way, try to get some satisfaction from the knowledge that you have learnt by her bad example and you will not be making those mistakes with your own kids, you will make sure they always feel equally and unconditionally loved! X

keeponmoving My dc are indifferent to her, I ask them to make a necklace and earings (my youngest dc is very good with crafts and her creations are very wearable, I think so as her mother anyway )
So they went to the trouble of making lots of things for her, and they were looking forward to showing her - not so much the time we spend together. The relationship is not very warm as they have only seen her a few times in over two years, outside usually sitting miles away.

Big hugs tom that sounds horrendous. You have taken the high road, and that is all we have left sometimes.