As a mother would you do this? AIBU

[Swayingpalmtrees]

My parents (late sixties) have been pretty much 'shielding' since March 2020 with very few exceptions. They are not CEV but feel worried about catching covid.

The exceptions however are ALWAYS to go to my brother's house, they do not visit anyone else inside (no other relatives, or their siblings etc) and have rarely been anywhere else since the pandemic started. My mother has anxiety and she is still terrified of covid (apart from to visit my brother, wife and family, who lives in C.London and uses the tube daily, small kids =high risk so not irrelevant)

My birthday fell on mothers day this year and I organised a family lunch, outside in the garden near their house at a small hotel so she would be comfortable, the weather was so nice and warm we were very lucky. My mum told me she couldn't come, cases were going up too fast she was too worried (even outside) I only made the lunch outside so she could come. It was heated, with blankets and covered just in case of rain and miles from anyone else - organised by the hotel GM. I was upset, but accepted her wishes to keep herself safe.

I have just found out she went to my brother's house the day before, inside his house for dinner with his extended family and she didn't tell me.

I am now coming to the conclusion she is using covid as an excuse not to see us: the back story is that he has always been the golden child, this was made public even when we were very young, it was a family joke it was so bad, but it is something I am used to. I didn't think she would take it this far though.

I now have no interest in organising to visit her again (this is happened more than once that she has been to see him but can't risk seeing anyone else)
Am I being unreasonable to stop bothering?

I feel I am wasting my time organising anything else in the future for her or with her. I feel a level of guilt as she tells me she is depressed and has anxiety so I worry it isn't kind to stop bothering, but it is very hurtful she can choose to 'risk' seeing my brother etc but can not 'risk' sitting outside with me on my birthday and mothers day.

It feels very deliberate.

I agree with the people who said - don't let your kids see you scrabbling around for scraps. She's emotionally abusive.

I am sorry I had to cook dinner, and I have become overwhelmed with all the replies in the meantime, and want to take time to read each one. Thank you for such amazing support, and for the moving stories that made me not alone

Quite often the golden child takes after the parents and relishes their golden child role

^this, he could not be happier! He was always very competitive so won hands down from birth it seems. My mother used to call him a genius, genuinely - her very own her milky boy child. And he basks non stop, there is no way he feels pressure, any problems he is immediately on the phone for money (my mother has given him tens of thousands over the years secretly) He doesn't mind that she fusses over him, sits back and lets her crack on. I don't need to go into it, I just need to get over it. I have had an amazing life with a lovely family of my own, loyal and steadfast friends and I am proud of who I am, and how I turned out having parented myself pretty much! Not a bad job at all given I had no handbook It is their loss, it truly is. As is the case for all of us that haven't mothers that could care, but choose not to.

I hadnt read half your post and i was thinking the brother is 100% the golden child.

You are wasting your time. Listen to and model your childrens behaviour they are on the right lines.

I have a grandma who is similar, its taken a decade or so but we are now at the point there is a tacit understanding she isnt coming for Christmas.... ever. And i see her in a group setting 2 x per year max.

One thing i found helpful was to stop thinking of her as a person and stop trying to understand and empathise with her.
I think of "difficult people" as characters or actors (like when you go to secret cinema and the actors are in character). Thinking of them as nonpeople and just as a character/actor makes it much easier to behave with cool and easy politeness while keeping them well at arms length

@Swayingpalmtrees

Thanks guys, and I am sorry about your own shitty experiences. I carry this weird concept that as my mother she should want to see me, love seeing me, I can't imagine not seeing my teen dc when they grow up. It is totally unfathomable to me.

I feel your pain Op. I have 2 brothers. The first one is only a year younger than me. He has always been mums favourite. He is an absolute prat. My youngest brother was the final baby so ever so precious. I am the oldest and the only girl. I am basically useful. No matter how much effort I put in I am just useful, nothing more.My brothers do nothing for mum and rarely see her. They are perfect in every way. I find the grey rock method of coping with toxic people has helped.

Exactly the same here OP, quite frankly I've given up and can't be bothered.

What is your DF's role in all this ... does he just stand back and leave all the family meeting up arrangements to your DM? Do you have a separate relationship with your DF?

Check out now before she requires care in old age because you know you’ll be providing this while being berated every time you miss something or want time for yourself while your brother does nothing but still receives all the positive attention. I’m speaking from experience btw.

@Swayingpalmtrees

I think in some families people try and try to make their parents love them and they get hurt over and over

It was Einstein I think who said: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

You try and try because some small part of you simply can't accept that the one person on earth that is supposed to love you unconditionally is your mother.
And when you have to face the facts it is a pain like none before. A rejection like none before. It is the very definition of rejection, and it shatters your self esteem and confidence, and you are left wondering how anyone can love you, if the one person that made you, knows you like no one else and should love you without hesitation if she can't accept and love you then who will?

So you find yourself holding on to the broken shards of your self esteem like a broken ornament frantically gluing it together, and hoping people won't notice the cracks. Or if they do, they won't notice just how huge the cracks are...because they might decide to leave as well. It is very hard to live with. You feel broken a lot of the time, because there is no life support, no parent, no safety net even though you apparently have two living parents somewhere.

And it is fucking awful to do to a child over and over again. Playing with their love for you, playing with their feelings and then cutting them dead.

OP, this is really insightful and has struck a chord with me. I am fortunate (?) that it is not my mother that I face the rejection from. She died when I was a teenager. I know she loved me. But my dad is unable to put himself out to have a relationship with me or my children. He treats my sister similarly so again, I am fortunate to have this ally. I wish you well and to be certain that it is not you. In generous moments, you could wonder what harms in her past have caused her to thrive on and need the drama and friction of treating you and your db so differently. In less generous ones, please do remember that it is her loss.

@Swayingpalmtrees

keeponmoving My dc are indifferent to her, I ask them to make a necklace and earings (my youngest dc is very good with crafts and her creations are very wearable, I think so as her mother anyway ) So they went to the trouble of making lots of things for her, and they were looking forward to showing her - not so much the time we spend together. The relationship is not very warm as they have only seen her a few times in over two years, outside usually sitting miles away.

Impressive that you made two teenagers who have “zero relationship” and are completely “indifferent” to someone…. Handmake gifts for them!

Mind you, I wouldn’t handmake gifts for someone that I had “zero relationship” with!

I’ll check out OP because I am a lone voice here that thinks….

You have never had a good relationship with your mother In any sense
You know this
But you set up this birthday (and for some reason positively supported and encouraged by your husband and teenage dc, which is confusing) knowing full well that it was never going to work out. More to the point, you didn’t really want it to become a) you don’t enjoy your mothers company b) you know she doesn’t deserve any effort. Let alone the effort you went to.

Did she accept the invite and then cancel? Did she express any enthusiasm for the even whatsoever? And did you invite your brother and his family?

I asked my own mum why she felt it appropriate to move house without telling me where she was moving to etc etc

The answer “well we were never that close” came back.

I can see how that would hurt, but when my brother, who I had spent 30 years trying to get approval from and working hard to keep a relationship with him, announced to a room full of people that we didn’t get on, it was like a weight was lifted. We are really LC now, I don’t feel obliged to do anything with him, or go to any of his events, or to be the one who keeps the peace when he is complete wanker to me or my daughter. We were invited to his 50th, and to chip in for his big present and I could easily respond with a “no thanks’ The last ten years have been way better for me. I realise it is a different relationship than that of a mother, but we are a really close family.

I agree with you @Keeponmoving2213

We always knew my brother was the golden child, the favourite of my mum, although she always denied it. He was dad's favoured child, mostly because he was mum's and dad usually did what mum wanted.
We found out how favoured he was when my mum died, and although things have been changed it still hurts.
My dad is not well now, I'm very much of the can't be arsed brigade now- ring him every now and then, visit every now and then but I'm not making a big effort.
The one thing I really would like is to ask my mum why she did what she did, why she treated him so much better than me and my sibling, especially at the end. We had what I thought was a good relationship but obviously not good enough. My dad, when he would have been capable of explaining why we were treated so differently, couldn't come up with a reason, and I'm never going to get closure on why.
My advice is get to the can't be arsed stage, detached vague interest, it's much better.

OP I’ve not RTWT. Couldn’t read and not leave a comment. Your post has brought me to tears. You sound like an amazing, kind person and your DM doesn’t deserve you. I have issues with my own DM - not to the same extent - but being the oldest and a girl, I’ve never been good enough - my little DB who is the youngest is the golden child. My DH could not believe it when we met. One time I went to visit from overseas, I was pregnant, she asked me to move onto the sofa as DB was there for a night and needed a bed due to his stressful job.

I’m positive there’s some amazing advice here. You are enough OP, and you don’t deserve this. [cake]

@BoredZelda

I agree with you *@Keeponmoving2213*

We are a tiny minority!

@Keeponmoving2213

@BoredZelda

Hope, it's always hope that keeps us trying.

When there is a toxic person in your life you hope that things will be different, every time.

It kept me with my narcisstic sister despite the abuse.

Unless you have been in this kind of relationship you cannot judge.

You boomerang ever hopeful that this time they will see how lovely caring kind devoted you are, or even that you are hurting. It's exhausting. Yet it becomes addictive and you ultimately trauma bonded to this person.

OP, I totally get you. I've got some resources to post which I hope will help. 💐

Reading your posts you've been on a journey in this thread. Well done OP. It's not easy to stop seeking the love and kindness you so deserve from your mother, but you're right that you're knocking at a door that won't be opened.

I hope in your relationships with other friends and family you have the love, warmth and kindness you should have from your mum.

Self compassion is a beautiful tool for helping cope in this situation, there are lots of workbooks on it around if that's your kind of thing.

Well done for moving forwards and for nuturing loving relationships with your DC.

Im in tears reading your posts, your hurt and pain is glaring. I hate that she has made you feel you arent enough. I have been married 25 years and had this treatment from my inlaws. Parties, christenings etc my dh and family not invited. Years of childcare for golden brother but none for us. What hurt most was repeated extended family holidays abroad that we were never invited to as my dh had once said he didnt like the heat. It killed me my kids being denied a holiday with their cousins. DH repeatedly challenged FIL about us not being invited and how hurt we were but it happened nearly every year and we only ever found out by accident. The rejection of dh and esp our kids was bloody painful. Eventually I took a step back and realised my own family of 4 were fabulous and enough so I focussed entirely on them. Kids now uni age barely see grandparents, they are now suffering health problems they are late 70s and I sure as fuck will not be helping, golden brother can do it all. They reap what they sow. Please protect yourself and cut contact as much as possible. Much love its so hardxx

@Swayingpalmtrees

She cancelled 15 hours before the lunch, so we couldn't even cancel the arrangements with the hotel, and I had to sit there surrounded by her balloons and bunting fluttering in the breeze. It wasn't fun.

Op this is taking it too far It’s like you knew it was going to be a fail And then luxuriated in it

I've found this author very helpful, plus she has a Facebook group and a podcast.

You aren't alone. At all.

Read her book 'But it's your family' first. I couldn't attach an image of it, sorry!

I'd just cut her off and not say anything. Block them all. Sorry to hear that you have gone through this. Feeling unwanted by a parent is awful

I'm sad for you OP, you sound lovely. I have experienced similar, it's the blatant lies that have hurt me. I tried many times to speak to my parents about it but they weren't interested. In the end I realised that I had to find my own coping mechanism (I didn't want to go no contact).

For those say that the OP 'knew it was going to fail', you really don't understand. There is real pull to try and please your mother, show her you care and love her and to live up to her expectations. Eventually you have a light bulb moment when you realise that whatever you do won't be good enough and you simply stop trying and focus your energy elsewhere. I think the op is at this point, well I hope she is, and she can clear her thoughts and be in control of the relationship.

Best wishes to you op.

OP,
I really hope you will re read this thread because there are so many great points from so many.

I think that if you really honestly start with yourself and ......

why you are pushing a relationship with a woman who is vile

1. Pushing your children to make gifts.

Doing balloons and such completely over the top fuss for a woman who you know at your core takes pleasure in hurting you.

Want your children to witness this on a loop.

Not seem to have any realisation how damaging to your children to see you humiliated regularly by this woman.

You have had a life time of this behaviour.

You write clearly that your children have clocked your mothers behaviour, yet you insist on them seeing your humiliation on a loop.

I am really sorry for you because it obviously is very painful for you.

However, it is really fxxked up.

You need to give that head of yours a wobble and get help.

I dread to think what your children would say about this dynamic.

Accept your REALITY with your mother.
Deal with it.

Step away and start thinking of your legacy with YOUR children.

Because as I read it your legacy is going to be that you were a pity, spending your life chasing a vile woman who got her kivks humiliating you.

You deserve better.

Your children deserve better than seeing this version of you.

Step away, find your self respect.
Change the narrative of your childrens memory of who you are.

You deserve to be remembered as better than this.