To hate DH working hours

[StaceHu23]

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

6am-8pm even*

I understand that everybody has different view points on this, I’m ok with that.

Nurseries aren’t even open 8pm so is the only option a nanny?

@StaceHu23

I honestly believe somebody should not disappear off the face of the earth once they leave for work?..kids ok? Something like that, not expecting a long chat or anything.

I would find it totally unnecessary, irritating and - if it was every day - quite stifling, if my partner wanted a text from me every yeah during working hours. It just seems pointless to me, and I prefer to separate work and home.

Find if I’m the one at work and my partner has something funny to tell me and texts. And of course if our kids are unwell, or doing sobering unusual, I’ll text.

But an expectation of, “how are the kids?” every day? Bloody hell no. Meaningless filler crap, to me.

Why do you get everything ready for him when you’re WFH on a Sunday? Leave him to it.

I think it’s just that the kids are so small and it’s hard by myself. I do appreciate him I’m not a total B It’s just hard dealing with it all by myself

Some workplaces do have long hours culture. Working till 8pm 3 nights a week is not what I would choose to do now I have kids, but did commonly have to do so earlier in my career. Had I stayed on that career path I would still likely be doing so.

Does he need to put in such long hours? Do the late finishes make up for him leaving at, say 4pm on the other 2 evenings? If so, I'd say that's the compromise on the early finishes. Could he leave at 6pm, come home and help with dinner and bed time, then log back onto work for a couple of hours once dc is in bed?

Or is it about presenteeism in the office? In which case, I think it's fair enough to encourage him as a senior person to be efficient in his working hours and leave the office on time to model a healthy work like balance to more junior staff (and discourage them from excessive hours too).

Or is it the time he spends on hobbies that is an issue? What balance would you be comfortable with there - is it that you want him to spend less time than he does on them, or would you be OK with that as long as you had equal time? Would him spending less time on them result in you having more free time?

Maybe he finds earning the bulk of the income hard too?

I’m out too after your don’t have kids if you don’t want to raise them comment, as previously said - DH and I earn £33k each, a joint income the same as your total, however our kids are in childcare 8-5:30 5 days a week. We have every night, every evening meal as a 4, every bathtime and bedtime and every weekend together though. It can be done if you’re both happy to do it.

You don’t want to work ft because you want to be at home, that’s fine but don’t complain when your dh has to pick up the slack.

Of course nurseries are open from 8, some are even from 7.30.

Proper daycare nurseries rather than preschool have core hours of 8-6.

Because parents are at work

This is my point…why would you choose to work those hours with kids, He could go and get another job and I could up my hours to full time. I would be home for 17:30, I don’t have the option to do that at the minute though as why should I then come home and sort out the kids too? I’m all for working I really am! I think working shows a lot to your kids and I would never not work, it just wouldn’t make sense to work full time at the minute it would cost us a fortune in childcare.

I find it really rude that you would say I’m basically living for free. I pay for everything the kids need and nursery fees? Surely that’s equal?

My nursery shuts at 18:30 and even when I pick my son up at 17:45 he is the last one there

@StaceHu23

I think it’s just that the kids are so small and it’s hard by myself. I do appreciate him I’m not a total B** It’s just hard dealing with it all by myself

It's hard with kids that age OP. That time between 5 pm and bedtime is particularly taxing. And you are doing that 5 days a week on your own as DH is either still at work or out at sport. I can understand why you feel resentful.
Can you discuss with DH how you are feeling and ask him to be home to take over from you one evening during the week, it's up to him to work out which day/how he will do that

Well do you want to work full time? Will that offset him reducing hours or a different job. And are you certain a different job with less hours would pay the same?

Because as lots of people have pointed out those are normal hours for a management role

If it didn’t pay the same me working Full time would make up for that?

I’m absolutely livid that somebody pointed our earlier that I am some sort of free loader. I pay for literally everything the kids have and nursery fees, really confused if I’m honest

People feel the need to justify working full time for some reason I don’t Understand it. It’s just in MY situation how the hell would it work, somebody has to pick our eldest up from school and after school clubs finish at 5, don’t have lots of family help.

I am asking for this thread to be deleted

No one is justifying working full time. They are just pointing out that tens of thousands of couples do it.

Five o'clock is extraordinarily early for an afterschool club to finish.

This suggests again that working hours where you live are earlier, which is why you think your husband is unusual outlier.

Whereas nationwide he's not, he's normal.

Whether it works for your family is a separate issue. You need to both sit down and agree a plan that works for your family.

But for almost everyone in the early years that doesn't result in seeing much of each other

@StaceHu23

And if I was to to work those hours too, who would then take care of the kids? Because if I’m honest, there is no point in having them if you aren’t going to bring them up yourself

Ouch. I do bring my kids up myself. Sadly, I also have to work. Therefore they also need childcare, whilst I work. If I didn’t work, I wouldn’t be able to afford a roof over our heads and food in our mouths. I don’t get maintenance and I don’t get other help. I would have loved to have been able to stay home with mine longer when they were small, but it wasn’t to be. I feel like shit that I missed out so much.

I know it’s tough when kids are small, and the work is relentless. I get it. But please remember we are all parents trying our best. Whether we work or stay at home. Comments like the one you posted hurt.

I hope you manage to speak to your husband about a plan going forward, and good luck in your midwifery training.

This suggests again that working hours where you live are earlier, which is why you think your husband is unusual outlier.

Whereas nationwide he's not, he's normal.

Yes. The OP is getting stick about it from her family and friends because, in their world, working long hours is unusual/strange.

Conversely, people who have that kind of career view the OP's expectations (e.g. for him to be texting her during the day to ask how the kids are) as unreasonable and weird. I'm in the camp - when I'm at work, I'm at work, and I wouldn't routinely text DH.

OP - the key issue here is not him working long hours (because in many roles it's required, and he is doing it to pay the bulk of the family's bills) or not texting while he's at work (which is normal).

It's the fact that he spends a lot of time on his hobby, while you don't have an equal amount of free time yourself. That is what needs addressing here.

Because if I’m honest, there is no point in having them if you aren’t going to bring them up yourself

I was completely on your side until this shitty comment.

Both me and DH work full time and used full time nursery when DS was younger. In no way did that mean we weren't reading him.

This is such an insulting comment.

Please don’t think I am having a go at mums working full time I’m really not! It’s commendable what you are doing. Would you then go to a hobby after not seeing your kids all day? I don’t think i am getting my point across very well at all 😢 I just want more help.

@StaceHu23 it is interesting that the financial divide between you is that you pay for nursery fees and kids stuff.

Why? Why is it that you have to pay for childcare out of your bits. How do finances work.

Because I think this is symptomatic of your relationship and you feeling that it isnt a partnership.

Have you spoken to him at all

I wasn’t on about work! I am saying if you wanted hobbies, nights out constantly and working long hours why bother having children?

I am NOT on about parents working full time

And making all the sacrifices to do collections and drop offs? The dynamic I think is off in your relationship for YOU and that needs addressing.

And if he tells you it is controlling of you on him - stick to your guns about how his jobs and the way finances are set up control you and what you can do. And you want to change that

You're kidding right 80 hour week for him and 60 for me here. And we don't even have any leftover money after bills! Want to swap?

It's not a race to the bottom!
The OPs husband leaving at 6.30am and not being home in evenings to help with kids 5 days a week is not working for them as a family 🤷🏼‍♀️