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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DH working hours

302 replies

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:21

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

OP posts:
CuddlyCactus · 09/04/2022 19:24

@StaceHu23 my DH is also a manager and I work 3 days a week.
This is what we always did when our kids were that age.

2 days a week I did nursery or before-school childminder drop off. 1 day DH did it to let me start work early.
2 days a week I left work at 4.30 and did pickups at 5pm. 1 day a week I worked until 6 so DH left work by 5pm to do pick ups. He also for couple years had to rush to give them tea and get DD out to Brownies by 6pm!

The days I wasn't at work he'd be home by 6.30 to take over, play and bath and bedtime.

When kids were little we did one evening activity each, usually starting at 7.30.

As I say my DH is also a manager. He organised his diary around pickups any everyone knew he wasn't available after 5pm on Wednesdays. No 5 pm meetings that day!

SafelySoftly · 09/04/2022 19:46

He isn’t working crazy long hour though, isn’t he’s just got a pretty long commute. Did you discuss moving nearer his work?

To be honest a lot of women who are career minded wait until they are settled in their careers before they have kids. So I can work 4 days per week but I earn a big salary. That’s how people do it.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 19:46

Can I ask what it is you do 3 days a week? I think I just either need to like it or lump it. Things won’t change.

OP posts:
CuddlyCactus · 09/04/2022 19:51

I work in mental health services.

@SafelySoftly I think OPs husband only has half hour commute

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 19:54

Why can’t you establish a career after kids? We get by ok with me working 3 days per week, then when children are a bit older I can throw myself into a career I decided to go into on the back of having kids. I never knew what I wanted before so didn’t go for promotions in my job as I wasn’t interested in it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 19:55

Yes he has a 30 minute commute.

OP posts:
CuddlyCactus · 09/04/2022 20:06

You absolutely can establish a career after children OP and many women do.
However it's not easy when they're very young and you need supportive family around you. And it usually involves being able to commit to working full time for several years which is why PP was saying about getting settled in career before having children.

It's great you want to train as a midwife OP but you will need a lot of support from either DH or family to be able to manage the placements as it's shift work.

I would start now by sitting down with DH and agreeing what days he's responsible for being home to see to the kids. You're going to need this going forward if you want to progress a career before you kids are teenagers.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 20:09

Yes, my mum is retiring next year and my youngest will be at school so I won’t need to rely on DH hopefully, just night shifts I guess

OP posts:
SafelySoftly · 09/04/2022 20:09

Ok apologies the commute time. Nonetheless unless you’ve got a fully invested partner (which you obviously don’t), it’s very difficult to invest in a career post kids.? Who is going to look after the kids when you get a call from nursery to say they’ll ill and need a week off? If you are senior, have a lot of goodwill, and can throw money at the problem it’s so much easier. Even better if you can work for yourself.

Your DH is obviously not pulling his weight but if he’s working such long hours then I wouldn’t begrudge him some time playing football.

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 20:12

@StaceHu23

Yes, my mum is retiring next year and my youngest will be at school so I won’t need to rely on DH hopefully, just night shifts I guess
This moves the responsibility to your mother.. your husband will also need to step up.
brookstar · 09/04/2022 20:13

@StaceHu23

Why can’t you establish a career after kids? We get by ok with me working 3 days per week, then when children are a bit older I can throw myself into a career I decided to go into on the back of having kids. I never knew what I wanted before so didn’t go for promotions in my job as I wasn’t interested in it really.
You absolutely can establish a career after children. It is made a lot easier if you have a supportive partner though.

Will he listen to you if you tell him that's what you want? That you need him to support you with your career.

Oldlearner · 09/04/2022 20:18

@StaceHu23 While I commented earlier in this thread that I wish my DH finished at 8pm as he works much later and weekends etc.... I've just come back and I haven't read the full thread but it seems people are being quite harsh to you.

my dc are only little and I totally get it, having a DH who isn't around much carries a certain type of burden. I 100% take my hat off to single parents who work and have dc at home and I think that's truly amazing.
For me and possibly for you I feel like there is a huge block for me to go to work full time... I cant explain it, as much as I know I would need to find a way if we were ever not together etc I can't wrap my head around how to do it (and cope) while we are together and his hours are so long and well shit.

groeggmeg · 09/04/2022 20:28

You really need to consider your potential shift pattern if you were to be a midwife.. trust me, there’s unsociable hours and then there’s working for the NHS. As a student you’ll be expected to work nights and 13 hour days, and that shift pattern is pretty standard unless you’re in a specialist role in midwifery. It’s brilliant you have a goal but I can go two or three days only seeing my daughter for 15 minutes in the morning, if your husband is working crazy hours you need to both factor in what you would do with the kids when you’re on shift and he’s at work

NurseBernard · 09/04/2022 20:30

Wow, this thread is an absolute shocker. Really sorry, OP. Flowers

I don’t know what sort of relationships many have on here - but the one the OP is describing, and many are defending, sounds really shit to me.

A DH who works late and then does everything he can to be out of the house any other time, with his friends, and his hobbies….?

That is really not normal and not OK.

Sorry to those of you who live like this.

Midlifemusings · 09/04/2022 20:35

He spends three hours commuting a day? Any chance he can work from home a day or two a week?

It sounds like that is the price you pay for the money and lifestyle the job affords.

You both need outlets and hobbies and social time - with that many working hours he likely needs that hobby for his physical and mental health.

CuddlyCactus · 09/04/2022 20:39

@StaceHu23

Yes he has a 30 minute commute.
He does not commute 3 hrs a day @Midlifemusings
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 20:56

You make it work if you have to, I’ve made the past 4 years work without any support.

Your saying it’s easier to throw money at the situation? My DH couldn’t not afford full time childcare even though he is senior?

So, do people who work in the NHS have to give up their careers post kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 20:59

I’m really shocked at some of the comments if I’m honest.

If I’m honest I think it would be easier to be a single parent as It would take the expectation away which adds to the stress.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 09/04/2022 21:04

It’s very difficult when you’re senior to just switch off at say 5pm. You get the benefits of the pay, you have to take the downsides. It’s only now my kids are teens I can start going up the ladder, as both parents can’t work late (unless you have a nanny). It’s not fair on the other parent, but aside from taking a demotion not sure what else can be done.

Darbs76 · 09/04/2022 21:05

@StaceHu23

I’m really shocked at some of the comments if I’m honest.

If I’m honest I think it would be easier to be a single parent as It would take the expectation away which adds to the stress.

I’m sure you wouldn’t want the single income side of it though. It’s not the same when you’ve got a partner, even if they aren’t always there, the double income is there
QforCucumber · 09/04/2022 21:05

Regarding the nhs thing, my friend was a single mum working 3x 13 hour shifts a week but had her mum on hand for help, she would put her ds to bed at her mums and go to work 7pm-7am. Then go, give him breakfast and get him ready - drop him off at nursery and go home to sleep.

People do it, but not without tight knit, reliable support

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 21:05

@StaceHu23

Most people, outside of hospitality and healthcare and a few other sectors don’t work hours like that in that way and for the money he earns.

Many will work those hours but earn a LOT more to facilitate paid help.

Many will work after kids have gone to bed and have more autonomy around how they structure their day.

My DH is a senior manager in education and earns about £65k. He works 9-5, 2 days are wfh, he has an hour commute when in the office and ensures he leaves by 5.30. He works more after they’ve gone to bed if necessary.

He does two drop offs, pick ups if he’s here, bath time and bed times are shared. He does all the cooking (if we’re not having a COOK dinner).

I work 25 hours and earn about £35k for that (£55 ish fte) and I can basically do what I need to provided work is done.

We are entirely typical for our group of friends in terms of hours of work and division of labour.

He’s avoiding his responsibilities.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 21:10

25 hours for 35k!!!!

OP posts:
groeggmeg · 09/04/2022 21:12

@StaceHu23

You make it work if you have to, I’ve made the past 4 years work without any support.

Your saying it’s easier to throw money at the situation? My DH couldn’t not afford full time childcare even though he is senior?

So, do people who work in the NHS have to give up their careers post kids?

Of course people don’t give up work in the NHS post kids, but if your husband is never around now, I was merely asking how he would support you with a very unsociable shift pattern. Like another poster has just posted it requires most people to have tight knit support from family members and a spouse to manage childcare and working, and from what you’ve posted he doesn’t offer you that at all at present. You have supported him in his career and he needs to now support you in yours, I was simply pointing out that most midwifery is not 9-5,8-4 shifts, it’s just something to consider.
Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 21:15

@StaceHu23

25 hours for 35k!!!!
That’s what we’re saying OP - he definitely earns a good salary - no one is denigrating him for his earnings. It just seems his earnings and stress levels are not in sync given he’s not in one of the sectors known for hard hours.
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