Page 2 | To hate DH working hours

StaceHu23 · 2022-04-08T07:21:27+00:00

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own. He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time. He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

ChameFangeNail · 08/04/2022 09:00

My husband has a similar sounding job and works similar hours. I absolutely hated it when the children were small. I worked part time and did everything else around the house and to do with childcare arrangements. I was very resentful during these years.

The kids are older now and although my husband's working pattern is the same, I don't mind it at all now. We try to carve out a specific evening to spend time together and make the effort to go out for dinner once a month, etc. I actually quite like the freedom his schedule gives me! Most of the time I please myself and when we do spend time together, it's really nice.

I think it really depends on how young your kids are, how your relationship is generally, and whether you have your own time to pursue your interests. Otherwise you end up feeling beholden to his timetable.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:01

He leaves work about 19:30- home for 8pm ish

OP posts:

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 08/04/2022 09:01

Those seem like very long hours to be out of the house. Can you move closer to his workplace to cut down on the travel time? His hobby keeps him fit, we should all make time for exercise. You need to have a discussion about having a similar amount of spare time. If he is in a well paid job can you use part of his wage in outsourcing his share of domestic duties, cleaning etc.

Lazzaroni · 08/04/2022 09:01

@HeDidWhattt

You have a partners time or their money, never normally both. Working hard brings the money, time is the price that’s paid.

Of course it’s shit for you, but it’s reality.

This.

My dad worked those kinds of hours, and my mum (SAHM) did everything else, mostly on her own.

My siblings and I had a brilliant childhood, with lots of fun (and money to do stuff), and also had (and still have) a brilliant relationship with our dad. I am quite sure that Mum accepting that Dad's working hours were part of the deal and that she chose to marry him was part of why it was such a success. We did lots of things with her sisters as well, and both sets of grandparents.

hazelnutlatte · 08/04/2022 09:01

I agree with you that it's difficult when you feel like you are left doing everything with the kids, but working long hours and long commutes are not that unusual, and he deserves a bit of time for hobbies (and so do you, make sure you are able to do things for yourself at the weekends).
My husband is rarely home from work before 7.30, I finish work at 4.30 so after school club pick up, dinner and sorting out the kids ready for bed is all down to me 5 days a week. I only work 3 days a week though so I get some time to myself so it doesn't feel too relentless! It was harder before they were both at school.

HeDidWhattt · 08/04/2022 09:02

Of course the kids miss him, but it’s better to miss a parent sitting in a nice warm house with food on the table than not.

One isn’t more important than the other, no matter what parents do, their not perfect. My mum showered me in money and I never saw her, my dad was poor but would always read me stories and spend lots of time with me, I preferred my dad. When I became an adult myself and had my own children it was only then I appreciated everything my mother done for me.
I’m the bread winner and earn the money, it’s takes my time away from family, but like I said I’d rather they miss me sitting in a warm house with food.

Roselilly36 · 08/04/2022 09:02

I can empathise, it is hard when children are little I agree, my DH has always had his own business, so that means, long hours, calls at weekends, when we are away on holiday ,no paternity leave, he literally picked me up from hospital after both of our babies and went straight back to work! I admit I felt envious of friends who’s DH took two weeks off. But, we worked as a team and got through it and that is the reason, we could pay our mortgage off by the time we were 32. It’s worth it but it comes at a price.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:03

@ChameFangeNail yes, maybe it’s because the kids are still so small, 4 and 1. I’m literally drained at the end of the day! Feel like we are drifting apart but maybe it’s just the period we are in.

OP posts:

Cotherstone · 08/04/2022 09:04

When you say he's home earlier two days, what time does he get back?

Patchbatch · 08/04/2022 09:05

Phew at least he manages to finish earlier the day he plays football. Do you get any time at weekends or evenings to decompress and do as you please? Seems like he sees his contribution to family life is financial and he can opt out of the rest, very unappealing.

JunhaLamra · 08/04/2022 09:07

Why is he able to leave early 2 nights a week and not the other 3? Is it that he absolutely has to be there or is it a choice?

Both my Dh and my friend's Dh chose to work for companies that are family friendly and have no issue with working the hours contracted and going home for a family dinner every night. They work for different companies in completely different sectors.

My children are almost adults and honestly we look back and wonder where the time has gone. Maybe you need to talk to him and have a rethink about his hours etc.

MoiraNotRuby · 08/04/2022 09:09

Do you get equal time for yourself? 4 and 1 are very full on ages, it won't always be like this. Its always hard to tell from these threads if the DH is hardworking or a selfish bastard tbh.

MoiraNotRuby · 08/04/2022 09:10

Also, do you have the same opportunity for a career? It is easy to fall into trap of 'man earns more, so his career is facilitated, so he keeps earning more, so woman always has to compromise ' .

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:14

He gets home about 6 ish on the days he finishes early..then gets home from football about 10pm, I keep going to bed so early because my 1 year old is hard work! Feel like we never see each other and I asked my mum what she was doing on Saturday and she was like what, he is our, again 🙄 really annoys me.

I am free to do whatever I like l and I do have friends etc, but it’s hard to go our for tea through the week as by the time he is home it’s too late, plus Saturdays are so precious to me I would rather be with my family. I can’t have hobbies as when would I go? I’m not up for doing anything at 8pm? I work Sundays so Saturdays are too precious.

OP posts:

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:15

How would I have the same opportunity for a career? Who would have the kids?

OP posts:

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:17

I am going to train to be a midwife when my youngest starts school whether he likes it or not, time for me

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TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 09:18

I’ve had a similar situation than you and I think it’s crap.

Basically 4 days a week he doesn’t see his dcs and you do it all on your own (imagine the dcs are in bed or ready to go to bed when he comes home).
Then he has his hobbies once more plays some stuff at the weekend.

No wonder you feel like you never see him. Because he is never there!!

Has he ever looked after his dcs in his own for a whole weekend? Does he have any idea of what sort if activities they do, who are their friends,organised play dates etc…? What would happen if somehow you were totally incapacitated?

Do you have time for you, to have a hobby the same way he does? To spend the evening every other weekend with your friends (doing whatever you fancy). If you were, would there be ANY time left to spend as a family?

The only way things suck in with DH was when I kept a record of how many days every week he didn’t see the kids (I don’t count 15mins in the morning whilst they have breakfast that I organised as ‘seeing the dcs’. It’s not. It’s just being there in the same house than them)
It was a shock for him. It might be ine for him too.

Whether he then wants to do something about it, starting with looking at his hobbies is a different matter.

fridaRose · 08/04/2022 09:19

I always prioritise job/career over free time/less working hours.

Some recent threads on here of people struggling to feed the family and put the heating on are very sad you husband has a good job and yes it means seeing him less but in the nicest way - I would just suck it up and appreciate a warm home.

I look back over the last 15 years as a single woman and there was a lot of drama, happiness, dating, tears, but the one thing was always certain - my good stable job and it always meant I never had to worry about heating or food. And that means a lot to me.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 09:20

Also fwiw, on MN you just can not say that a man is a pain because they work long hours and have hobbies.
Having a hobby is sacrosanct on MN. And so is working hard. Apparently women need to suck it up even if they are working FT themselves (let alone if they are part time).

I don’t agree with that.

Mybestyear · 08/04/2022 09:20

If he cutback his hours would you need to increase yours? Is it really because you feel he is missing out and may regret it or because you feel you are doing all the grunt work? Lots of DC grow up with a parent who works away / off shore / army / long hours and they are fine. Lots of DCs have both parents there “all the time” but have shit childhoods/ relationships with parents.

These are the tough years OP. My DH and I were both home nearly all evenings at this stage but we barely spoke as too knackered/busy with DC and chores and the DC used to play us off against each other too!

You need to find what works for you family and stop listening to those outside your family unit. It doesn’t matter a stuff what others do - it’s what works for you. But 1 million % take some time for yourself and don’t be a martyr. It will get better

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 09:22

@fridaRose

I always prioritise job/career over free time/less working hours.

Some recent threads on here of people struggling to feed the family and put the heating on are very sad you husband has a good job and yes it means seeing him less but in the nicest way - I would just suck it up and appreciate a warm home.

I look back over the last 15 years as a single woman and there was a lot of drama, happiness, dating, tears, but the one thing was always certain - my good stable job and it always meant I never had to worry about heating or food. And that means a lot to me.

Yes except that the OP isn’t going to be able to leave the house at 6.30am and come back at 8.00pm is she?

Who would be looking after the dcs then?

Someone has to do it. And as usual, it so happens to be the woman who will also see her career opportunities dwindle.
It’s not as easy as saying ‘I’m prioritising work over free time’ if you don’t have someone to pick up the slack. And I’m not sure why it should be up the OP to pick up the slack and not the other way around for example.
Or why they don’t BOTH pick up the slack.

Embracelife · 08/04/2022 09:23

@StaceHu23

I am going to train to be a midwife when my youngest starts school whether he likes it or not, time for me

Why not now? Use w family money to pay for childcare

WildFlowerBees · 08/04/2022 09:23

I work long hours and often I'm away a lot too, I have to juggle a work life balance whilst still maintaining some time to myself. It takes planning but can be done and I'm mindful that dh also has things he likes to do so we work out some dates we can both be off together during the year and make sure it's quality time. It's not easy but we're both understanding and know it's not forever. No kids though between us so easier to coordinate at times.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 09:24

These are the tough years OP. My DH and I were both home nearly all evenings at this stage but we barely spoke as too knackered/busy with DC and chores and the DC used to play us off against each other too!

That should tell you too how hard it would have been if you had been on your own most of the time…..

Fwiw I don’t believe this man isn’t able to cut his hours. He is clearly able to do so when he wants to - to go and play football. But he doesn’t seem to be able to do som to help his dwife or to actually be a father to his dcs…

ProseccoStorm · 08/04/2022 09:29

I wouldn't mind the working hours, my DH leave at 6.55am and is home 7.30pm earliest. I often work late into the evening if I need to.

I would mind him using his free time out of the house if I was left doing all the childcare and not having equivalent free time.

I don't know many men with kids that are out two evenings a week every week. That seems excessive and not in line with family life.