To hate DH working hours

[StaceHu23]

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

Who says you should put up with it @StaceHu23 we arent in the 1950s where it is a womans job to be at home.

We can want a much better balance where it is much more even and if you are unhappy then that is enough.

But I agree I think you do need to say what you do want - which I think is a much more even balance of working and childcare etc

@StaceHu23

He says he does it on Sunday when I’m WFH, however, everything is prepared and yea is ready when I finish, I help with bath, bedtime etc as I finish at 4..he says he doesn’t understand why I find it so hard when he does it himself too one day, I think there’s a massive difference though personally

You could take Sunday evening or the one night he's home early as your evening to so what you want. He could do dinner, not prepared, and bed time, you get a break and DC get more Dad time.

Can you sit down and talk to him about this? I think there should be some give and take really. You should be able to have some down time too, and if you’re going to do your MW training, he’s going to really need to start taking up the reins as well. (And better for him to start now with that)

Re: working long hours when you have DC. I had to do it (and worry about useless XH actually parenting the DC and not pissing off and going AWOL) as I was the breadwinner (XH had an accident and couldn’t work from just before youngest DC was born - sadly he then went down the route of alcoholism and then drug addiction). Not fun, and I spent years trying to source childcare last minute whenever he fucked up/fucked off again. I didn’t plan to have a life like that and not see my kids much (prior to youngest DC being born, we were going to work around each other’s shifts), but it happened. I can definitely say that life is easier now, even though I’m doing all of the parenting, working FT etc.

When I’m at work, I have my mobile phone with me for only if the schools need to contact me urgently. Otherwise if anyone else needs to contact me urgently, they can phone my ward. I will check my phone for other messages if I get a break.

I can’t comment about your DH’s job but if it’s anything like mine, it’s not the sort of job where you check out dead on time at the end of the shift. The only reason I can (and I’m often late out as I have to handover etc) is because o have to pick up youngest DC from wraparound childcare (I have no one else who can).

Def talk to him and thrash out a new plan going forward. X

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If there are two spaces in the week for a parent to step out to do their own hobbies then you get one each. He can't take both.

This is it.

A partnership means that you work together to get through these childcare intensive years.

Using work to avoid family life, taking all the free you have to do sports and see friends, whilst the mother of your children is on relentlessly 24/7 doing ALL childcare, is despicable.

[quote StaceHu23]@Oldlearner does he earn really good money though?[/quote]
nope! I mean he earns an ok wage (higher than average but certainly not high or good) where we live is very expensive. I struggle to work because of his shifts, young dc and no support. He wanted to leave his industry but after many months and countless applications he struggled to secure interviews (pre covid). He has worked and progressed in his industry for around 20years is all his work experience.

@CuddlyCactus he's not a chef but your not far off

it's pretty toxic culture if he's consistently working from 7-7.30 or 7-5.30 for 50k, IMO

There are plenty of areas within the UK where £50k would be considered a high salary.

I know plenty of lower paid jobs where working beyond your hours is routine. Why do you think so many nurses (who are typically on less than £50k) are burnt out right now? The idea that how hard someone works, or how many hours, is always proportional to their salary is nonsense.

I get you. DP finishes around 7-10 every weekday and it's horrible :/ especially because I work 7-3. No advice really.

He shouldn't be out at hobbies/ out all the time. Ask if he can reserve one weekend day for family!

@Octomore

it's pretty toxic culture if he's consistently working from 7-7.30 or 7-5.30 for 50k, IMO

There are plenty of areas within the UK where £50k would be considered a high salary.

I know plenty of lower paid jobs where working beyond your hours is routine. Why do you think so many nurses (who are typically on less than £50k) are burnt out right now? The idea that how hard someone works, or how many hours, is always proportional to their salary is nonsense.

@Octomore I don't disagree with anything you're saying, many public sector and healthcare workers are shockingly underpaid, and £50k is a really good wage, however in OP's case I'm pretty sure she said it was an office job for a private company and therefore it's v likely her husband is contracted for no more than 40 hours per week, and being expected to work an extra 25-30% of hours routinely in that sort of job generally indicates a toxic culture.

You're being ridiculous. He is at work! What, hes not allowed a social life outside of work, and you wont have one because of a need for a family day?? Boy, when you start working shifts as a midwife you do realise you wont have that blessed saturday anymore.

My DH is Police and when we had three babies he worked 12 hour shifts with a 2 hour commute either side. He then had hobbies a couple of evenings a week (if he wasnt on shift) and I was happy he got a place to destress.

Now he runs a police station so does Mon-fri but is still out the house 5am-6pm and then Mon-Wed he has hobbies, and thur-fri/sun I have hobbies. Saturday is either a day with the family or we may arrange to meet other friends, I might meet my girlfriends for a lunch for example.

Baby days are hard, I get it. But it's not like he's a lazy arse is it.

He's working pretty normal hours. On the longer side of average but really normal.

What is unusual is that you work Sundays. So then there is only one day a week that you can do things together as a family.

Also why can't you do things when he gets back? Eg the mums dinner. Go and meet at half eight after he gets back

And because you work Sundays then if he reserves one day as family day, neither of you can do anything else.

Honestly, you'd be happier doing an extra day of childcare and having two days together a week and not working Sundays. Short term financial hit for overall happiness

And if I was to to work those hours too, who would then take care of the kids? Because if I’m honest, there is no point in having them if you aren’t going to bring them up yourself

It sounds like the amount of time for football & hobbies is the problem, rather than his working hours - and miraculously he can always get away early/on time when he has football

Sorry but I believe a father should be a big part of a child’s life, you are acting like I Don’t want him to work 🙄

He's working pretty normal hours. On the longer side of average but really normal.

I'm wondering in what industry 55 hour weeks are considered normal?All year round?

Perhaps in hospitality at busy seasons? Or someone taking on loads overtime for a few weeks. I have friends and family across many different industries and I don't know anyone doing those hours all the time.

I know plenty who work 40 hr weeks and regularly take on an extra 4 or 5 hrs overtime but that's voluntary and over and above their normal hours.

Not allowed a social life outside of work!!? We have 2 young children, I’m sorry but something has to give…I am more than fair in that respect, I don’t agree with what you posted sorry

Most management jobs are those sorts of hours in reality. Officially 40 hours a week but in reality always working more than that.

And he finishes earlier two days a week.

If the op also worked those hours then you would need a nanny to look after the children. Like thousands and thousands of people do.

Those hours aren’t unusual. DH and I take turns to worn similar, and our DC is in childcare from 8-5.45.

We are able to take working those hours in turns as my salary isn’t far off his, so the financial pressures are shared.

I don’t see an issue with the working hours if that’s what he needs to earn to support the family, but the compromise comes in the free time you each have.

Life doesn’t just carry on as normal when you have kids, one night a month should be plenty, it is for me? I love going our with the girls but I lived the I don’t give a dam life in my 20’s and CHOSE to devote the next few years raising MY kids now I had all of that out of my system

@StaceHu23

And if I was to to work those hours too, who would then take care of the kids? Because if I’m honest, there is no point in having them if you aren’t going to bring them up yourself

Ok I don’t have sympathy anymore, that’s a really shitty comment to make.

I’ll play the “He’s paying your bills and putting a roof over your head, love” game then.

Literally nobody I know has a full time nanny?

What is it you want him to do?

Stop football?

Not go out once a month?

Not watch sport at the weekends?

Finish work early every night?

So it seems that his hours are unusual around the people you know.

That doesn't mean that they are unusual in general though. They are really really really common in any sort of management job

@WalkingOnSonshine well my half goes on nursery fees

And no I’m not having a dig at full time working mums…I just don’t understand the need to work until 8pm every night from 8am. There needs to be a balance