Page 10 | To hate DH working hours

StaceHu23 · 2022-04-08T07:21:27+00:00

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own. He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time. He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

DemBonesDemBones · 09/04/2022 18:27

@CuddlyCactus most working parents I know work these kind of hours...the op has 2 children, I don't understand why she feels so overwhelmed that she needs her Husband to cut down his working hours to help.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 18:30

It feels so much with the rest of the things he does. You can’t have everything and it isn’t fair on me

OP posts:

brookstar · 09/04/2022 18:31

Would you then go to a hobby after not seeing your kids all day?

Sometimes we do. However, the difference is that in our relationship is that parenting is shared whereas it seems like your DH is opting out of parenting altogether which is unfair.

Our week looks like this :
Monday - DH takes DS to football and I go to the gym

Tuesday- We take it in turns to work late and this depends on our work commitments but it means one of us doesn't get in until 7ish

Wednesday- one of us takes DS swimming and they will depend on individual work
commitments. I go to the gym between 7-8 and DH goes out to play darts at 8.30

Thursday- DH goes straight to football from work but gets home in time for bedtime

Friday - we both make an effort to finish early we do takeaway or go out for food locally

Weekends are fluid but will involve socialising either as a family , a couple or individually but we work around DSs hobbies, football games etc.

The key is working as a team. Both our jobs are important so we work around each other which means one person isn't entirely responsible for sick days etc. DH does have more hobbies but he makes up for that by taking on the bulk of DSs hobbies so that I get down time.

It is possible to work f/t and have hobbies but somethings might need to be scaled down and everyone should be willing to be flexible. So DH will cancel his hobbies if I need to work or if I'm going out and vice versa.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 18:32

@DemBonesDemBones

You're kidding right

80 hour week for him and 60 for me here. And we don't even have any leftover money after bills! Want to swap?

What do you both do? That sounds really awful.

I couldn’t physically work like that.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 18:34

[quote DemBonesDemBones]@CuddlyCactus most working parents I know work these kind of hours...the op has 2 children, I don't understand why she feels so overwhelmed that she needs her Husband to cut down his working hours to help. [/quote]
Most I know DON’T work those hours.

It’s largely irrelevant what other people do - it’s about how the dynamics work for your own family.

TempName01 · 09/04/2022 18:36

Sounds to me he is choosing to finish on time on his hobby days and choosing to work later the other days to avoid the bedtime routine.

CuddlyCactus · 09/04/2022 18:38

FWIW OP I think working hours may vary by area you live in. But 5pm is very early for after school club to finish. It's 5.45 here.

Thinking about the families we were friendly with when my DC were that age from nursery and toddler groups and what the Dads did.
We had 2 managers, 1 paramedic, 2 electricians and 3 financial (bank, pensions). With the exception of paramedic who worked shifts (but not excessive hours) no Dad started work before 8am and none regularly worked past 6pm. The electricians would sometimes do overtime on a Saturday, and some of others, my DH included may have done some work a couple times a week once kids were in bed. But they were all pretty much home in the evening to see their kids and do bedtime.

That's just a snapshot of my experience in Scotland so this may also be the norm in your area.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/04/2022 18:41

And your last post actually really explains the issue.

It's not the work. It's the work plus what else he does.

You need to explain that you both need to have the same amount of downtime and that isn't happening at the moment.

So something needs to give.

If he can only finish at 6 twice a week then those nights he has to.do bedtime not play football

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/04/2022 18:41

@StaceHu23

Please don’t think I am having a go at mums working full time I’m really not! It’s commendable what you are doing. Would you then go to a hobby after not seeing your kids all day? I don’t think i am getting my point across very well at all 😢 I just want more help.

And if I was to to work those hours too, who would then take care of the kids? Because if I’m honest, there is no point in having them if you aren’t going to bring them up yourself

You did rather sound like you were massively judging parents who work full time here.

Because you quite literally said there's "no point" having children if you need childcare out of nursery / school hours, which you referred to as not "bringing them up yourself."

I'm not sure in what world that comes across in anything other than a shitty way with a massive dollop of guilt directed at full time working parents.

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 18:43

@StaceHu23

It feels so much with the rest of the things he does. You can’t have everything and it isn’t fair on me

So talk to him. Agree that two nights a week he comes home earlier. If he can leave earlier to go to football he can do it other nights of the week. But his hours aren’t that long in reality.

Go out with the other mums - get a babysitter or he comes home.

Stop making food on Sundays when you work. He’s in charge that day. He sorts it out.

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 18:45

And if I was to to work those hours too, who would then take care of the kids? Because if I’m honest, there is no point in having them if you aren’t going to bring them up yourself*

You did rather sound like you were massively judging parents who work full time here.

Because you quite literally said there's "no point" having children if you need childcare out of nursery / school hours, which you referred to as not "bringing them up yourself."

I'm not sure in what world that comes across in anything other than a shitty way with a massive dollop of guilt directed at full time working parents.

Yes but let’s give OP a break and assume she’s at the end of her tether rather than starting that old chestnut

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 18:45

Yes that’s the norm in my area. I think this is a build of numerous things if I’m honest, he has probably bathed the kids off his own back 3 times, have to nag to change you gears nappy, never once got up in the night. He literally comes home and plays with them which they love, and I love seeing them happy, is this the way it’s supposed to be?

He didn’t have a clue what they were weaned on, never made anything? I potty trained etc, the working hours is just the icing on the cake. Yes he takes my eldest to her class one day. In the morning it’s down to me to as he is gone early? I’m fed up

OP posts:

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 18:47

I’m just wondering what you do with regards to bedtime? Do they not go to sleep until 9 ish then if your not picking them up until 8?

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 18:47

@StaceHu23

Yes that’s the norm in my area. I think this is a build of numerous things if I’m honest, he has probably bathed the kids off his own back 3 times, have to nag to change you gears nappy, never once got up in the night. He literally comes home and plays with them which they love, and I love seeing them happy, is this the way it’s supposed to be?

He didn’t have a clue what they were weaned on, never made anything? I potty trained etc, the working hours is just the icing on the cake. Yes he takes my eldest to her class one day. In the morning it’s down to me to as he is gone early? I’m fed up

And that’s completely fair enough. Time he pulled his weight a bit more.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 18:47

And I was also hit with the ‘living for free’ comment which also isn’t the case?

OP posts:

DemBonesDemBones · 09/04/2022 18:48

@Merryoldgoat 2 jobs each, him in hospitality and me in childcare. We have 4 kids. It's hard but it's life right now. We will be moving to a much cheaper area soon so hopefully we will soon be able to see what each other look like nowadays

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2022 18:48

I think this is a build of numerous things if I’m honest, he has probably bathed the kids off his own back 3 times, have to nag to change you gears nappy, never once got up in the night. He literally comes home and plays with them which they love, and I love seeing them happy, is this the way it’s supposed to be?

There you go. He’s lazy and not interested.

LittleBearPad · 09/04/2022 18:48

@StaceHu23

And I was also hit with the ‘living for free’ comment which also isn’t the case?

Yes but you’ve also thrown around some snarky comments so maybe let it go.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 09/04/2022 18:51

It sounds pretty shit OP.

How many hours a week does he have to do his hobbies and go out to watch sport etc?

And how many hours do you get to yourself out of the house each week to do hobbies or see friends etc?

I can’t imagine it’s very even……

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 09/04/2022 18:52

Apologies if I hurt anybody that really wasn’t my intention, I bet you are great parents, the experience I have however feels that you work and do nothing else! Because you work and that makes you exempt?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 18:54

OP,

I am so sorry so many of the posts are so unnecessarily unpleasant and obtuse.

He is taking the piss.

He is doing EXACTLY what he wants.

He works late to avoid family life.

He finishes early to see friends and attend his hobbies.

He has a total mug made out of you and you know it.

What is his hourly rate with all the long hours he does?

You are being used by him.

Your family and friends probably see this.
He is a shit husband and a shit father.

No wonder you are fed up.

I suggested up thread you write EVERYTHING down in black and white.

Do it and see exactly how little he is contributing to the family.

This is NOT normal, despite what some on here post.🙄

You have every right to be rightly fed up.

brookstar · 09/04/2022 18:55

@StaceHu23

I’m just wondering what you do with regards to bedtime? Do they not go to sleep until 9 ish then if your not picking them up until 8?

But most two working parent families aren't putting their children in childcare until 8. They're sharing the responsibility as a couple.

On the days I work late DH finishes in time to collect DS from after school club and vice versa.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/04/2022 18:58

So take it turns with pick up at 6, or 6.30 from nursery. They have eaten at nursery. Straight in Bath and bed for 7.15.

Friends who are both working until 8 at least have nannies who do bed and bath.

But this clearly not about working hours but the fact that he isn't parenting at all.

So you need to calmly discuss what he's going to take responsibility for to take the load off you. Could he take over food delivery orders and meal planning?

TicTac80 · 09/04/2022 19:00

@StaceHu23

I’m just wondering what you do with regards to bedtime? Do they not go to sleep until 9 ish then if your not picking them up until 8?

I can’t comment for others but when mine were with childminder (from 6:30am to 8:30pm, to cover my long day shifts), they just went to bed once I got them home. When they were/are in nursery/holiday club/wraparound care (all were 7:30am-6:30pm), it was the same. Again, at the time I had no choice but had to do things this way, the priority was being able to keep my job so that we could afford to live. I was only able to renegotiate my hours when XH actually left (not that he did a lot with the DC before he left!).

catfunk · 09/04/2022 19:09

Op what are his contracted hours?
He could earn 50k working less hours and possibly even working from home.

If he's in medicine/finance/ recruitment working 100k then I could understand it but for 50k that's ridiculous.