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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate DH working hours

302 replies

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:21

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:22

Sorry few spelling mistakes I have just picked up on, phone is playing up.

OP posts:

HaggisBurger · 08/04/2022 08:23

Finishing early 2 nighters out of 5 seems pretty reasonable to me. But I’d look to do my own hobby at least once a week.

Teeturtle · 08/04/2022 08:27

Do you mean he gets home at 8pm three nights a week? Or leaves work at 8pm and gets home at say 9.30pm three nights a week? If it is the former, then I think this is normal life for many. DH works in London as did I for many years and leaving at a very normal office time would still mean getting home at 7:30pm at the very earliest.

I think the balance of his hobby time and family time might be more of a bother here.

SirChenjins · 08/04/2022 08:32

Does that he's home at 8pm or later 3 nights a week, then using the 2 nights he's home early to do his hobby, then does his hobby again at the weekends?

Yes, that would annoy me too. Something has to give when you have a family, unless the other partner is willing to do everything with the children and house to facilitate the other working/doing their hobby/nothing else.

What contribution is he making to the household chores and dealing with the DC? Can you both agree on what's expected from you both to make it equitable?

Hiddenvoice · 08/04/2022 08:37

My dh works till 9pm 3 nights a week and then has 2 normal-ish time finishes. The three late nights are long days for both of us but I know he would rather be home and he’s doing it for us.
He’s got some hobbies too but he scaled them back tk support the family. I do encourage him to go out though and have a balance between work, family time and alone time because it’s only fair and he’ll get worn out otherwise.
Do you have any hobbies or get time to yourself? You could sit down and arrange times when you both get to have your alone time and then family time so there’s more equal a balance and you’re not feeling like you’re doing it all on your own

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:37

So he leaves at 6:30am and is home for 8 ish, all my friends and family say that he is never home? I do feel quite lonely tbh. He goes to his hobbies after work on a Monday and Wednesday and goes out socially maybe once a month on a Saturday

OP posts:

HaggisBurger · 08/04/2022 08:40

@StaceHu23

What about the 2 early days per week? Is he home earlier than 8 or are those the 2 days he does sport?

luxxlisbon · 08/04/2022 08:41

Is he back at 8pm on the nights his hobbies are on or is he working late 3 nights and then spending the remaining 2 out doing hobbies.

If he is back at 8pm 3 nights of the week and earlier the other 2 I don’t think it’s really that unfair or abnormal, and one social day a month isn’t a lot either.
You should also have a hobby and do things for yourself on the weekend occasionally to make it more fair rather than reducing his time.

hassletassle · 08/04/2022 08:42

My husband has a similar job and works similar hours although doesn't have any days when he finishes early. We have a two-year-old and a four-year-old and I do most of it although he does always help with bedtime even if it means he goes back to work after. He always takes the weekend off to. Neither of us really get much downtime. Other weekends there are always jobs that need doing on the house or garden, and we try to have some family time at the weekend too. So there really isn't time for hobbies.

TeacupDrama · 08/04/2022 08:43

Going out socially once a month is fine you could easily.do.the same, but the 2 hobby nights effectively make it he is home late every night that is more.of.aproblem as you can't have a.hobby.even one night

PermanentTemporary · 08/04/2022 08:46

I think your friends and family should be making arrangements with you to have fun so you're not lonely, rather than sticking their beaks into your marriage.

JellybeansJelly · 08/04/2022 08:48

Finishing at half 6 is hardly finishing late.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:49

On one of the days he finishes early he then pretty much goes straight out to play football. I forgot to add, he goes to watch sport in the evening Saturday and Sunday maybe twice a month too but sometimes takes our eldest if she wants to go.

OP posts:

JellybeansJelly · 08/04/2022 08:49

@PermanentTemporary

I think your friends and family should be making arrangements with you to have fun so you're not lonely, rather than sticking their beaks into your marriage.

This.

LIZS · 08/04/2022 08:51

Dh used to do those hours when commuting , 5 days a week so it is not unusual. What is an earlier finish? Are those the hobby days? Do you have children, activities, friends?

Blueeyedgirl21 · 08/04/2022 08:52

It’s hard isn’t it my partner gets home around 7 but we leave at the same time in the morning so it doesn’t feel too bad as I have a long commute too. However I’m about to start Mat leave and I feel the days will be really long. He has a hobby one night a week that means he’s out til 9ish (he runs in from work, chucks his stuff everywhere, puts his sports kit on after dragging it out of the drawer with 50 other things and then runs out the house leaving a trail of destruction in his wake, but that’s another thread 🤣) if he gets one day a month to go out you should be getting this too. Make sure you tell him you’d like to be having this - even if you spend a few hours to yourself it’s important.

I’m planning on staying at my mums one week night a week when I’m on Mat leave, have a takeaway or cook together and chill and have a lie in next day. She’s well up for it but I feel my partner thinks this is childish - to be honest I’ll be devoid of adult company most of the time except a 4 hours an evening so I don’t see what’s so bad about it!

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 08:53

everything is a compromise. I would hate my DH or myself to work weekends or shifts so we have office jobs.

recklessgran · 08/04/2022 08:53

Don't you ever have a date night? I'd insist on that, maybe once a week . Do you have DC? Your own friends to meet up with and hobbies of your own? If not, you need to take some responsibility for feeling lonely and join something like Ladies Circle where you can make friends. Communication is the key - I think you need a proper talk with your DH as he might not understand just how sad you are. Perhaps then you can reach a compromise that you're both happy with. For example, could you meet him from work when he's working late and go out together to eat? You sound lovely OP so I hope you sort it out.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:54

He leaves at 6:30 in the morning and gets home at 8pm.

Yes my friends and family do need to butt out I agree. Thanks everyone, I feel less alienated in my situation now! 😊

OP posts:

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 08:54

6.30-8 is not that long, but I guess regularly doing that must be a pain.

HeDidWhattt · 08/04/2022 08:54

You have a partners time or their money, never normally both. Working hard brings the money, time is the price that’s paid.

Of course it’s shit for you, but it’s reality.

Octomore · 08/04/2022 08:55

@StaceHu23

This is pretty normal for someone with a senior job and a commute.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:55

What is more important do you think? I don’t want him to regret it when he is older? The kids miss him so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:56

@Octomore lots of women are in this situation I suppose, just in my circle it is just me.

OP posts:

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 08:57

Are his days long because of actual work or commuting?

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