Page 3 | To hate DH working hours

CuddlyCactus · 08/04/2022 09:30

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

I think you said it all in your opening paragraph @StaceHu23
The price of his success is that he's working 50+ hour weeks and you are doing all the heavy lifting at home.
There are many families in this situation and you need to sit down as a couple and discuss what the priorities are. Does he still need to work these hours? Has it become a habit?
My DH changed jobs (sideways move, no promotion) to a job with 25 min commute rather than over an hour when ours were little in order to facilitate drop offs/pick ups when I returned to work.
Maybe you will both be happy for this to continue in order to keep your lifestyle. It will get easier once children are at school.

On a night he's working late can you get the kids to bed by 7,get a babysitter and get you out to a class/activity? Will friends or family help you at all?

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:31

@Embracelife I can’t do it now, at least when my youngest is at school I will have most of the day, childcare is too expensive hence why I dropped my hours. It would be unrealistic to start doing it now.

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edwinbear · 08/04/2022 09:32

I work in the City and pre-Covid was out of the house at 6.30am. When DC were in nursery I'd also take them with me to the nursery behind my work so I could at my desk for 7.30am. I was rarely home before 8pm (DH did nursery pick up) and if I had a big project on, it wasn't unusual to be home at 11pm-midnight. Those were the hours required for the (healthy) salary I earnt. Things are much better now I WFH 2-3 days a week - is that not an option for your DH, or is he choosing to go into the office to leave you with the DC all day?

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:33

He doesn’t count it as family time as the kids would be asleep so it makes no difference he said

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TreesoftheField · 08/04/2022 09:34

Mine doesn't have to work long hours and is always with the kids.. . But he earns a lot less, so I work 4 days too!
At times I really would love to not work anymore, then I imagine being with kids 24/7.....
It's all a balance basically.
Do you think he would want to take a less intense job if you were working too? Mine has always made it clear he didn't want the pressure of being sole earner.

luxxlisbon · 08/04/2022 09:37

if you would be free with your youngest starts school what are your working hours at the minute?
I’m not saying by any means that the highest earner calls the shots but could you actually afford for him to take a less senior role? That’s probably the only way for him to reduce his working time.

Selfraising · 08/04/2022 09:39

My DH used to do similar and it is really hard. It feels a long long day, and they don't see the children. Now he works locally (walks to work!), leaves the house at 7.45, and gets home at 4.45pm! Shares school pick ups, cooks some evening meals, does some bedtimes, we each have hobby evenings. It is a different life! He is so much happier too. But whoever said you can have their time or their money is spot on! Family finances took a massive hit for this.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:41

I earn about £1100 pm
Part time, it’s not a bad job and there are options for progression and manager seems very keen to discuss these options with me, however, not doing 24 hours he won’t.

DH is on 50k a year, 12 hours per day and the money he comes out with he could probably earn the same elsewhere?

If I up my hours that would mean finding extra childcare, I’m lucky I can work a Sunday from home to avoid that extra nursery day.

(I’ve put figures in so you can get an idea of what he is working for to see if it is actually worth it)

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SafelySoftly · 08/04/2022 09:41

How much does he earn? Do you have the same qualifications to earn similar? Plenty of couples both work similar hours. How would you cope financially if he didn’t work that hard?

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:42

Yes we could afford for him to do a less senior role I think. I would then up my hours

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Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:45

We have the same qualifications but obviously in different fields and I have had numerous different jobs which has led to my lack of progression and then had DC, DH has been in same company since he was young so worked his way up that way. I really want to do midwifery, I’m really going to do it when my youngest starts school. I will be 33.

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Merryoldgoat · 08/04/2022 09:53

Sorry, whilst £50k is undoubtedly a decent salary there are plenty of jobs where you can work fewer hours for that pay.

DH and I both earn around that and don’t work those insane hours.

Patchbatch · 08/04/2022 09:57

@Merryoldgoat

Sorry, whilst £50k is undoubtedly a decent salary there are plenty of jobs where you can work fewer hours for that pay.

DH and I both earn around that and don’t work those insane hours.

Yes same, I work 37 hours a week for the same salary, not unheard of. Whilst £50k is of course a high salary, he's not in director or plus £100k territory. He should find another job or perhaps reassess his priorities.

Rosehugger · 08/04/2022 09:59

How much free time do you have to do hobbies, that's the question.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 09:59

Thank you everyone…you have all been so helpful.

So, he needs to do something about it basically?

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Smartiepants79 · 08/04/2022 10:00

This sounds very like my DH before covid hit.
He now works from home most of the time which does make him more flexible with being available for things but I wouldn’t say he’s working any less hours - he’s just doing it upstairs rather than in London! I can’t say I necessarily see more of him!!
It’s very normal for that kind of job especially if it comes with a commute.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:01

I don’t have any time to myself I’ll be honest, I really don’t want to do anything after 8pm either. I’ve started volunteering at Samaritans recently one night per week, my mum will have the kids.

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Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:05

The mums at school arranged to go put for tea last week and I couldn’t go (not that I would want to as I don’t have much in common with them) it was just annoying that if I did want to I couldn’t

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Patchbatch · 08/04/2022 10:07

@Smartiepants79

This sounds very like my DH before covid hit. He now works from home most of the time which does make him more flexible with being available for things but I wouldn’t say he’s working any less hours - he’s just doing it upstairs rather than in London! I can’t say I necessarily see more of him!! It’s very normal for that kind of job especially if it comes with a commute.

It's not normal for a £50k job necessarily though.

Patchbatch · 08/04/2022 10:08

@StaceHu23

I don’t have any time to myself I’ll be honest, I really don’t want to do anything after 8pm either. I’ve started volunteering at Samaritans recently one night per week, my mum will have the kids.

Are the children in bed by 8pm? Or at least had dinner and bath etc and winding down?

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:11

Yes, I get my eldest to bed about 19:30, youngest playing to at the minute so hit and miss with him

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BlingLoving · 08/04/2022 10:11

On his early home-from-work days, those are the days he goes out to play football? So the ONLY day he spends any time with the kids or you is a Saturday.... if he's not doing a sport or out or similar? I read it as he's not home for bed and bath time a single night during the week? What about food? I'm guessing you prepare him a meal he eats when he finally deigns to come in?

Meanwhile, you can't even go out with a few girl friends for a meal, EVER, because he is either working or at football?

Have I got this right?

Because the issue here is NOT his job per se. It's that he's clearly selfish and uninterested in family life or in a relationship with you. Sorry to be harsh but I can't get my head around this. He can find a way to leave wrk early.... so he can go to football? Stuff that.

I'm with your friends and family.

Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:11

Playing up**

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Original poster

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:12

He has never had them from morning until night once himself. I am going for a weekend away in June so he will have no choice but to do it then

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CuddlyCactus · 08/04/2022 10:15

@StaceHu23

The mums at school arranged to go put for tea last week and I couldn’t go (not that I would want to as I don’t have much in common with them) it was just annoying that if I did want to I couldn’t

If you have something like this you want to go to occasionally, can your DH not arrange to be home early that day?
Mine would have done that when kids were young, especially if it was only once every 2 or 3 months