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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DH working hours

302 replies

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:21

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 17:14

Sorry haha! I’m just so confused and hate feeling he is taking the Piss put of me

OP posts:
Lux523 · 08/04/2022 17:15

Said in a really kind way OP, 50k is not worth the hours he is out of the house, unless he actually prefers it that way?

My DH earns over 100k and we do sacrifice time with him, however our combined salaries provide a secure life for us and enable us to save. But we both carve out quality time together, even if it's just a walk in the village a few nights a week.

Your DH needs to at least be communicating with you about how you feel!

LannieDuck · 08/04/2022 17:31

How much free time do you get each week? (When you're not doing sole childcare, and you're not at work or asleep)

How much does he get (including hobbies)?

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 17:42

I don’t get any. By the time he comes home I eat tea and go to bed as I’m too tired. I could do things on a Saturday daytime but I love family days

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Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 17:43

He wouldn’t class it as free time as like I said he says we’re in bed anyway so makes no difference so he sacrifices his sleep to do his hobbies

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Sundayrain · 08/04/2022 18:00

My DH works mainly from home but he works all the time, as in he breaks for dinner and kids bath then back working until 1 or 2am, up around 7.30 then starts all over again. I make him take more of a break at the weekends. It drives me nuts, but he loves his work and insists that it's expected in his industry. After 20 years of trying to change it I think I now have to accept that this is how our life together will be. His earnings mean we can have a nice lifestyle and at least I'm not doing it all completely by myself. But yes I understand how it feels and it is frustrating!

leotardrock · 08/04/2022 18:07

@StaceHu23

I know he’s shit, my question is, wtf can I do about it?

If he won’t budge then what should I do?

He will make out that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends and whatever else bullshit. He will never budge that way I know for sure, he starts to make out I am controlling and that he needs to see his friends and have hobbies?

But what about your friends & your 'hobbies'! They are just as important as his are!
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 18:15

Is he taking the mick put of me or not? I just don’t know 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 18:15

Also, he doesn’t check in with us once whilst he is working…he says he just wants to get his work done as quick as he can and come home To us?

OP posts:
Snoozer11 · 08/04/2022 18:40

@HangingRock25

I wouldn't put up with that OP. It sounds suspicious to me. Are you sure he is actually 'working' and going to these 'hobbies'?
This is a ridiculous comment.
HangingRock25 · 08/04/2022 18:43

@Snoozer11 You obviously haven't spent much time on Mumsnet to read threads on affairs and the indicators if you think it is remotely ridiculous.

RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 18:50

@StaceHu23

Also, he doesn’t check in with us once whilst he is working…he says he just wants to get his work done as quick as he can and come home To us?
Why would he need to "check in" with you whilst he's working?

It sounds like you need to try to sell him a job change as beneficial for the family (more family time) and beneficial to him (more time for his hobbies).

Snoozer11 · 08/04/2022 19:37

@billy1966 it's shameful that you feel you can label someone a shit husband and a shit father when you've never met them, and because the man is going out to earn a wage to provide for his family.

Quartz2208 · 08/04/2022 19:46

You need to frame it though not as about stopping him - but how to enable you to as well in order to create a balance between you. BEcause at the moment he is stopping and controlling what you can do

Snoozer11 · 08/04/2022 19:53

I think you should be able to speak to your husband and get him to deal with the kids more and give you a break. There's plenty that can be done by him after work.

But I also think some of your expectations are unreasonable.

He doesn't need to "check in" with you when he's at work. What do you expect him to contact you about whilst he's working? If you keep disrupting him, it's no wonder he's not getting out of the office until late.

I think "family time" with your kids both being awake is overrated. They're 1 and 4. They're going to sleep and have their own routines. Many parents work shifts so you can't always be in the same place at the same time.

Your mother needs to stop making digs and keep her comments to herself.

I think you're hanging some of your expectations on an unrealistic image of family life, which isn't often achievable. Life's hard and people have to work. In the real world 50k is a lot of money, and you can't just waltz into a new job earning that sort of money.

It's better to want to see more of each other than to want to see less.

ForeverSingle881 · 08/04/2022 19:56

I left my exH because he was pressuring me to leave my job (high pay, v long hours). He wanted me home every evening, to have more down time together. I wanted my big career for which I had worked so hard for years (and the financial reward). So you need to decide what is more important to you. Has he always worked these hours? If so, YABU to have an issue with it now.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 20:01

I honestly believe somebody should not disappear off the face of the earth once they leave for work?..kids ok? Something like that, not expecting a long chat or anything.

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Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 20:08

If I’m being unreasonable then fine, I just don’t want him to be taking the Piss. I’m so sick of are tumour sure he is going to football, not home again comments it’s draining and makes me feel like a complete mug 😭

@QforCucumber

I think the reason I am still with him because part of thinks he is decent and I really don’t think I would have chosen the wrong dad for my children.

If we both had a ‘Career’ and worked these hours then the kids would be brought up by somebody else and I don’t want that. Maybe I’m where I need to be for now and I have to just suck it up. Kids won’t be this small forever and I won’t get this time back. I would never put a career before spending time with them, I would exhaust every possible option before I ended up working the hours that he does.

@for

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Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 20:09

@ForeverSingle881 do you have kids

So sorry about these mistakes my phone is rubbish!

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RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 20:12

@StaceHu23

I honestly believe somebody should not disappear off the face of the earth once they leave for work?..kids ok? Something like that, not expecting a long chat or anything.
But he hasn't disappeared off the face of the earth - he's gone to work!? As long as he gets back when he says he will, what else do you need to know? Presumably if there is a emergency you will contact him.

Remember mobile phones are a comparatively recent invention and prior to that it would be really unusual to speak to your partner all day.

veevee04 · 08/04/2022 20:13

my OH worked away Monday - Friday to provide it's only since covid he's got a full time remote job paying high salary. Sometimes it's money Vs time balance. I still work horrible hours i'm out 6:30-8.45 pm 3-4 days a week. You have to sacrifice time for comforts.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 20:13

Yes but I never know when he is coming home.

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veevee04 · 08/04/2022 20:19

@StaceHu23

Yes but I never know when he is coming home.
Could your DH remotely work some days ?
TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 20:19

He will make out that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends and whatever else bullshit. He will never budge that way I know for sure, he starts to make out I am controlling and that he needs to see his friends and have hobbies?

So he is a selfish twat that only thinks about himself. Not you or his dcs.
(Because the reality is that HE should WANT to spend time with them rather than put his hobbies first. Just like you do).
And if you rock the apple cart and show him that the way he is acting is NOT OK, the he turns that back to you and you are controlling?

How can you change that?

You leave and give him the dcs EOW plus half if the hols. You get a break and he has fo sort of parent for a bit.

You can try and treat him like a parent and partner and give him some responsibilities. Let’s say like doing the washing and let him fail when it doesn’t happen. Or the cleaning. Whatever you feel is acceptable to let go Wo too much negative consequences for you and the dcs.
You state that you will take as much time to do your things as he is. Go and see friends and he’ll have to look after the dcs. And do it. You’ll sacrifice family time but he might actually realise the consequences?

Plenty of ‘possibilities’ but they all rely in him actually realising his mistakes when confronted to them. And he might well not do that. Because all the other alternatives are easier on him. Whether it’s being divorced and having the dcs EOW or you sucking it up.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 08/04/2022 20:21

@StaceHu23

Yes but I never know when he is coming home.
Of course you don’t. Because if he was telling you, you could plan stuff for yourself. In some ways he then ends up obligated to be there when he said he would. That removes a level of choice for his own agenda.