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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DH working hours

302 replies

StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 08:21

So my husband earns lots of money and has decent job which he has worked his way up to, I am very proud of him, however, this has all come at a price, he works quite late, until 8pm or later some nights

although he does finish early 2 days per week to when I am working too. I feel like I am doing most of this on my own.

He also has hobbies that he goes to 2 nights per week and if he goes put on a weekend it feels as if there is no family time.

He thinks IABU, please tell me if I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:15

He says he does it on Sunday when I’m WFH, however, everything is prepared and yea is ready when I finish, I help with bath, bedtime etc as I finish at 4..he says he doesn’t understand why I find it so hard when he does it himself too one day, I think there’s a massive difference though personally

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 10:16

Those are "normal" hours for a senior manager type job. However those pay substantially more than 50K. Is it a fairly low paid job and he has to do lots of hours to get a good salary (iyswim)?

I think in your DH's position I would prioritise family over hobby ,but equally it's not really fair that he never gets any leisure time. I think you are just in the classic years of life being hard for everyone when DC are small.

I understand your rationale, but think it's a shame you've put your own career plans on hold for now. I wish women got better careers advice about these things!

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:16

Yes like I said he said I can do whatever, but has to be planned in advance, couldn’t just have a spontaneous evening out for tea but it isn’t always like that is it

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:18

@RedskyThisNight what would you do in my situation career wise then?

OP posts:
Adeleskirts · 08/04/2022 10:22

I’m also surprised he’s only on 50k k I thought from how you were talking he was on a lot more, and he’s doing a three hour commute too, you can’t even afford full time child care.

I don’t think the issue is the hours he works to be honest, or the fact he plays football a couple of times a week it’s the fact he has a daily commute of three hours, which must be exhausting and expensive and he isn’t a big earner. If I was him I’d be looking to find work closer to home.

RedskyThisNight · 08/04/2022 10:25

[quote StaceHu23]@RedskyThisNight what would you do in my situation career wise then?[/quote]
From where you are now - probably the same as you.
Ideally - career established before you had children.
Then you wouldn't be in the position that your career had to take second fiddle to your husband's.

This was not a dig at you - you've got more than enough on your plate! - it just frustrates me how many women post on these boards where their DH's have good careers and they've had to put their own plans on hold because they've been left literally holding the children because they earn less. Clearly some women are happy with this - but you are not one of them. I wish there was better advice given to girls specifically before they have children, and not just the "you can do it all" type.

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 10:26

DH is on 50k a year, 12 hours per day and the money he comes out with he could probably earn the same elsewhere?

What does he do? It's not great pay when you consider the hours?

whoatealltheeggs · 08/04/2022 10:29

Could he work closer, take a pay cut & do less hours & you could up your hours. 2 people earning 30k each is the same as one person earning 70k.

brookstar · 08/04/2022 10:30

Sorry, whilst £50k is undoubtedly a decent salary there are plenty of jobs where you can work fewer hours for that pay.

This.

Adeleskirts · 08/04/2022 10:36

Yes and when you take the cost of rhe commute out, grossed up for tax it’s not good. How much does it cost him the commute?

Op is he working to 6,30 to avoid traffic? As in does he leave later to avoid the rush hour as it would take him longer to get home, and same in the morning?

PearlclutchersInc · 08/04/2022 10:41

I'm really sorry for you. I've been on both ends of that - having an OH working all hours to attend meetings to suit the global business but also being in the same boat at a later date. Its not enjoyable believe me, and you can only keep it up for so long.

For the time being he can't change that without changing his job. His hobbies are another conversation though.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:45

@RedskyThisNight I’ve never known what I wanted to do until now.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 08/04/2022 10:45

@StaceHu23

He says he does it on Sunday when I’m WFH, however, everything is prepared and yea is ready when I finish, I help with bath, bedtime etc as I finish at 4..he says he doesn’t understand why I find it so hard when he does it himself too one day, I think there’s a massive difference though personally
So stop preparing everything in advance. Get up, get dressed, leave. If necessary, go a bit early so that you can be out before anyone even wakes up. Do not leave food prepared. Do not leave instructions. Just go. Also, do NOT come back in time for bed and bath. Seems to me that Sunday night is a great night for you to meet a friend for a drink or go to cinema? Alone if necessary? Grin
Merryoldgoat · 08/04/2022 10:51

What does he actually do for work?

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:52

I feel bad this haven’t got my career started before children, this isn’t a bad thing is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 10:54

Ops manager

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/04/2022 10:57

That’s quite generic - I suspect he could work fewer hours. Do you think he’s avoiding home life by pissing about late at work?

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 11:00

I genuinely don’t think he is, I could be wrong though

OP posts:
pleasejustgjvemeabreak · 08/04/2022 11:00

I think you're being unreasonable.

It's not unusual to get home from work around 7.30pm or 8pm every night.

He's entitled to a hobby too.

Original poster
StaceHu23 · 08/04/2022 11:03

Yes but we both couldn’t do that could we? Not with the kids?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 08/04/2022 11:04

You’re fairly young so it’s quite normal not to have built up a big career pre dc. You’ll have the chance- you won’t for example be juggling toddlers and work in your 40s like I will be! Great you have that weekend in june, now you need to write yourself a list of things you are NOT doing for that weekend, including leaving food, clearing the washing before you leave, arranging any play dates, having your mum drop around etc etc.
ditto, stop doing any prep for Sunday. See if someone can catch up with you after work next Sunday, and tell him quite late that you won’t be home after all, youre seeing x. Make that a monthly thing- take the whole Sunday to yourself. He does, you can.
When something like the school mums dinner comes up, tell him you need him home at 6 that day. If he can do it for his hobbies he can do it for his wife. If this becomes an argument point out that the dc will go to school, you will retrain and start working, and you will remember this and take from it that you never have to finish work early or rearrange for anything but your own hobbies. Everything else, he will just have to make it work. Seems a crappy relationship to be in, but make it clear to him that’s his choice- you won’t be in a relationship thats giving one way and taking the other.
See how standing up for yourself more helps and whether he looks like someone to grow old with or if he’s really just too selfish.

Totallyanonymousplease · 08/04/2022 11:08

@recklessgran gives great advice!

This is the same for me too - my OH is back for bedtime maybe twice a month in the week. it is hard and I have felt very lonely and at times resentful - but that is his job which he does to provide for the family and I did have children with him knowing what his line of work is.

What has helped is - talk to him - is there anything else he can do to be back earlier? Ask HR to leave early once a week? We even discussed him cutting down to 4 days a week but decided that was too drastic. Also definite yes to dates nights out.

You should also look into finding some help - some kind of regular baby sitter to come and help you with bed time/ afterschool? And also give you the freedom to go out with your friends when you want. It is annoying that you have to pay someone else when you feel it should be your DH - but practically speaking this step could help. Imagine if you went out with the girls once a week and your DH was the one sitting at home. Can you also engineer it so your DH looks after the kids by himself? Does he take time off in school hols? Can you have urgent work things a couple of times which means he does everything for those evenings? Then he will see for himself how it is.

Also it does sound annoying that he does a hobby on one of his early nights - it sounds like it would massively improve your life if he just came home. And weekends are sacrosanct in our house.

If you think as a family your lives would improve if he earned less money that should be a conversation you should have with him but I guess the best balance is different for each family.

brookstar · 08/04/2022 11:12

@pleasejustgjvemeabreak

I think you're being unreasonable.

It's not unusual to get home from work around 7.30pm or 8pm every night.

He's entitled to a hobby too.

And what would happen if the OP decided to work those hours and have a hobby?

Where is the compromise?

CuddlyCactus · 08/04/2022 11:25

It sounds like your DH is in a well paying but not high paying job OP.
He is earning well because of the hours.

So as a family you need to decide does he have a job with "normal" hours, say 38 and earn 38k.
Or 50 hours and earn 50k.
What's more important as a family at moment?

HangingRock25 · 08/04/2022 11:29

I wouldn't put up with that OP. It sounds suspicious to me. Are you sure he is actually 'working' and going to these 'hobbies'?

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