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Original poster

My sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding. Reasonable or unreasonable?

420 replies

Purple1998 · 07/04/2022 14:30

Hello! I just want some opinions.

Basically I'm a bridesmaid for my sister next year, I wear dreadlock extensions, they're quite expensive and they need fitting in every few months. My sister has said to me she or should I say "told" me that I'm not having dreads in for her wedding... granted I won't because it's her day, but my boyfriend thinks she's out of order because he thinks she's basically telling me to not be myself. What do you think? He recons I should say something but I don't think I want to cause agro and would rather her just be happy on her day, not that my hair should make her otherwise... she was a bit cheeky about it because I did tell her that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up, but she replied with "money can't buy taste" Hmm

Do you think she's being reasonable?

OP posts:
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fatisnotafeeling · 07/04/2022 16:41

When my sister got married I was bridesmaid, a few weeks before the wedding she made a comment in a jokey way saying 'you are going to dye your hair brown aren't you I don't want red !'

At first I refused but in the end did it for her and to be honest I did prefer it, I did tell her she was a bridezilla though.

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2022 16:42

She is being completely unreasonable.

She shouldn’t be asking you to change your hair. At most, she could ask that it be styled a particular way on the actual day as long as that style was feasible in terms of your hair, budget, and it not making you particularly uncomfortable in some way.

If you are actually willing to acquiesce to this request, at the very least, she could pay to have your hair prepped for the wedding and returned to your preferred state afterwards.

Abraxan · 07/04/2022 16:53

@HomeHomeInTheRange

she's basically telling me to not be myself

But how far is a fake hair extension ‘yourself’?

I would never expect anyone to cut or do anything permanent to their own hair, but aren’t bridesmaids generally expected to conform to a chosen ‘look’?

If your extensions are that important to you, and her ‘look’ for the wedding is important to her then you need to decline being a bridesmaid.

The two of you don’t sound tat mutually caring / respectful anyway.

Surely hair extensions are as much about 'being yourself' as your choice of clothes, footwear, makeup, accessories, etc are.

People usually express themselves through the way the look, as well as they way they act.

shssandhr · 07/04/2022 16:57

Nah. Fuck that.
I wouldn't be bridesmaid if she made demands of me like that.

Neverreturntoathread · 07/04/2022 17:03

She is being rude. “Money can’t buy taste” was v rude unless it was an attempt at a joke.

Unless you’re emotional about the hair I’d just go with the flow and make her happy but yes she is v unreasonable.

SpeckledlyHen · 07/04/2022 17:05

I think I would go back to her and say

The saying is "Money doesn't buy Class" which is so very true in your case DS..

And not be a bridesmaid.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/04/2022 17:05

@Thenose

"You want her to be happy, and you know it will make her happy, so no reason not to do it."

What a weird position. Are you saying that we should do something whenever it will make someone else happy, regardless of our own feelings about it?

Why not...have you seen some of the fuckinfg ugly bridesmaids dresses the brides make them wear?!? The horrendous colours? The "styles"? Confused

If you don't want to change your hair then dont be her bridesmaid. She can ask, you can decline.

Cakecakecheese · 07/04/2022 17:06

After the 'money can't buy taste' comment I think you should shave your head and see how she likes that Grin I really don't get this obsession with everything in weddings having to be sanitised, in real life people often have tattoos, piercings, coloured hair etc and wanting to mute your loved ones personalities for a photo is a bit sad to me.

But really she should have asked you nicely if you wouldn't mind changing your hair, there's no need for her to be rude about it.

Barkingmadhouse · 07/04/2022 17:09

I can see her point of view, dreadlocks are awful and will affect the photos. Do you think she felt forced (probably by family) to have you as a bridesmaid but doesn't actually want you as one because of your look? Would you not being a bridesmaid create issues with the wider family for her? I know of I had a sister with dreadlocks I wouldn't want her as a bridesmaid

AnnesBrokenSlate · 07/04/2022 17:13

You don't want to cause aggro and you want her to be happy on her big day. Stick with that impulse.
Don't let your bf or MNers change how you instinctively want to behave towards your DSIS. I'm always suspicious of people who see something that isn't upsetting someone and then tell them they should be annoyed about it. I'm always wary of their motives.
Yy it was rude of her to ask but your initial response wasn't to take offence, it was to agree to do it to make her happy. That's nice of you. Enjoy the wedding.

Horst · 07/04/2022 17:13

I’ve got very extremely bright coloured hair right now and I’ve got two weddings in attending this year both family one closer than the other think sibling kinda close. Neither have asked me to change my hair, in fact I did threaten to dye it to match the wedding colours Grin

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/04/2022 17:14

A friend bridesmaid asked me if I was removing my real locs for MY wedding.
If they're fake then you could. But if real, then no chance.

HELLITHURT · 07/04/2022 17:15

@Suprima

Middle ground- because i can completely understand both sides- can you show her some lovely dread updos? You can make some lovely coils and buns with dreadlocks. I think they could look really pretty with some flowers.
Why?

OPs hair she's I'm sure "lovely" as she is now as "lovely"'as she would be with flowers in her hair!

OMG12 · 07/04/2022 17:17

It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to demand a bridesmaid altered her appearance for my wedding. People are fucking nuts when it comes to their wedding, it seems more their opportunity to pretend they’re in an Hello article than actually entering into a life long partnership witnessed and celebrated with those they love!

ancientgran · 07/04/2022 17:17

I think the issue is the sister telling the OP she wasn't having dreads for the wedding. Perfectly reasonable to have a discussion about it and it sounds like the OP would have been fine with it but the OP is presumably an adult and shouldn't be told how to do her hair.

The comment about money can't buy taste is beyond rude.

Benjispruce4 · 07/04/2022 17:19

She is being very unreasonable.

RumJerrySailorRum · 07/04/2022 17:19

I'm not a huge fan of a lot of tattoos, my chief bridesmaid has several visible ones.

I asked my friend to be my bridesmaid, not her tattoos. I can't remember how many were on show, I just remember what a fantastic fried she was on the day.

I had bright ginger hair when I was a bridesmaid. The bride had her heart set on a specific colour for our dresses. She took one look at me and my hair clashing horribly with the dress and promptly changed the colour scheme instead of asking me to change my hair, (I would have done as it happens but she chose a better colour )because she wanted me.

So, what I'm trying to say is your sister is being hugely unreasonable.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/04/2022 17:27

@AnnesBrokenSlate

You don't want to cause aggro and you want her to be happy on her big day. Stick with that impulse. Don't let your bf or MNers change how you instinctively want to behave towards your DSIS. I'm always suspicious of people who see something that isn't upsetting someone and then tell them they should be annoyed about it. I'm always wary of their motives. Yy it was rude of her to ask but your initial response wasn't to take offence, it was to agree to do it to make her happy. That's nice of you. Enjoy the wedding.
Exactly, some of the responses here suggest that the OP should blow up her relationship with her sister on the basis of something not even she was that bothered about until her boyfriend got in her ear. Absent abuse or some outrageous situation, inflammation of a situation in a family is rarely the wisest course. And we can a bit unhappy about something and still grit our teeth and do it.
Allsorts1 · 07/04/2022 17:33

I think it’s never a good idea to get mad “on principle” if you don’t actually personally care. Plenty of things in your life to get upset about that you’re actually upset about!

Given that you don’t mind removing them, and that your sister presumably knows you well and made a request that you don’t mind doing, perhaps it’s better to chalk this up to the unique relationship between you rather than get faux outraged on principle based on your boyfriends opinion!

They’re also extensions rather than your own dreads so I think your original instinct to not really mind, is the one you should go with.

Also the PP who asked if you would wear them at your own wedding, has a good point in terms of a test to apply.

lightisnotwhite · 07/04/2022 17:35

It’s their day and they can request what they like. If you don’t like it don’t go.
I rocked up to my brothers Christian wedding despite my atheist beliefs. They came to mine even though they bitched about it being a fake wedding. I might have mentioned getting married in the eyes of God was no more real to me.
It is the way of weddings. Go and enjoy their happiness or don’t.

KTheGrey · 07/04/2022 17:35

Is your being yourself dependent on dreadlock extensions? Are you Sampson? Not convinced your identity is dependent on your hairstyle.

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 17:36

So rude

LunaTheCat · 07/04/2022 17:42

I love dreadlocks! They can look really beautiful - imagine with flowers or a do up. Your sister is really asking you to change who you are - don’t do it!

chaosrabbitland · 07/04/2022 17:45

shes being unreasonable , your hair and how you like it and wear it is you , its how everyone sees you and knows you , its silly to have them taken out for some flipping straight style so she can be happy your fitting in and looking all respectable with everyone else
your still going to be wearing the nice dress , the dreads can be styled up in a do , perhaps shes worried they will be hanging about everywhere . thats a possiblity . but theres no way in your shoes id be taking them out for a wedding , even my own sister . if she wont accept it then id decline to be bridesmaid

1forAll74 · 07/04/2022 17:45

i would not change a thing, your hair is your hair , and how you like it. Your sister needs a mindset change instead.

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