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Original poster

My sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding. Reasonable or unreasonable?

420 replies

Purple1998 · 07/04/2022 14:30

Hello! I just want some opinions.

Basically I'm a bridesmaid for my sister next year, I wear dreadlock extensions, they're quite expensive and they need fitting in every few months. My sister has said to me she or should I say "told" me that I'm not having dreads in for her wedding... granted I won't because it's her day, but my boyfriend thinks she's out of order because he thinks she's basically telling me to not be myself. What do you think? He recons I should say something but I don't think I want to cause agro and would rather her just be happy on her day, not that my hair should make her otherwise... she was a bit cheeky about it because I did tell her that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up, but she replied with "money can't buy taste" Hmm

Do you think she's being reasonable?

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Reimu · 10/04/2022 15:58

@Poptasmagorical

The people in this thread who don't understand why cultural appropriation matters or who are somehow finding themselves upset at the idea of not being able to do whatever they want just because they want to really need to have a look at themselves. Read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race and try again. It's not that hard to educate yourself and stop being racist. And don't even try reverse racism. It's 2022.
There is no such thing as reverse racism, it's plain racism, black people can be racist towards white people, white people can be racist towards black people. There is no excuse for terrible behaviour based on skin color.

Stop being racist and telling people what they can or can't do with their hair based on the color of their skin. It's disgusting.

Reimu · 10/04/2022 16:07

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Reimu

Good grief, I'm sure you have broken a couple of forum rules with that post alone so far. These derailing people keep doing is terrible.

I said that poster is well meaning, not racist but perhaps doesn't understand cultural appropriation.

What forum rules do you think I have broken specifically?[/quote]
Honestly, I am amazed you have to ask such a question. You are being racist towards a white person telling them they cannot wear a certain hairstyle because they are white, you are attributing a person's identity as historical oppressors based on the color of their skin, you are appropriating a hairstyle used on nearly all cultures as your own. I mean, what rules are you breaking? Really?

On the rules.

No posts that break the law, including hate speech of any kind
-Writing that expresses prejudice against a particular group, check.

No trolling, misleading or deliberately inflammatory behaviour
-Changing the topic in a discussion and inflaming conflict, check.

I'm not trying to get on your case but you need to be called out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/04/2022 16:23

@Reimu

Goodness me.

Please feel free to report the post to MN if you really think it breaks rules and if it does then they'll delete it...

StargazerAli · 10/04/2022 16:48

I don't think it's such a bad request; I'd do it for my sister. It's only for 1 day.

sixmill1 · 10/04/2022 23:37

Buy her a pair of trainers and tell her to jog the f*ck on 😁

heartofgrass · 11/04/2022 01:12

@Reimu

Black people cannot be racist towards white people. By definition.

HTH

Midlifemusings · 11/04/2022 01:24

@heartofgrass

It depends on the definition used. Soe people define racism as prejudice or discrimination directed at someone of a different race. Others refer to this as racial prejudice or racial discrimination and reserve the term racism for racial prejudice / discrimination that includes a power differential.

Obviously black people can hold and express racial prejudices and discriminate against white people. However if you use the second definition then it isn't racism as the power differential isn't present. Although it may be present in a different way (rich black person who is prejudiced against white poor person). Economically the rich person holds the power in that dynamic even though they are black.

Reimu · 11/04/2022 01:39

[quote heartofgrass]@Reimu

Black people cannot be racist towards white people. By definition.

HTH [/quote]
Wrong.

racism
rac·ism
/ˈrāˌsizəm/
Learn to pronounce
noun
prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group

The belief that different races possess distinct characteristics, abilities, or qualities, especially so as to distinguish them as inferior or superior to one another.

The attempted, rejected redefinition of racism is often used to exempt oneself from being correctly called out as being racist against a white person or some majority group. You are taking one incorrectly used usage of the word to generalize it and not only doe sit confuses the definition but it creates really crappy racist people who feel like they are not racist just because they are not statistically more in numbers than another race.

By definition black people can be racist, any race can be racist, any race can hold prejudices against another one. The amount of people that happen to have similar skin color to you that inhabits a country has no consequence in making someone;'s terrible uneducated take any less racist.

heartofgrass · 11/04/2022 01:54

Thank you @Midlifemusings
There is indeed a huge difference between racism and racial prejudice. Perhaps I should've taken time to explain myself further.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 11/04/2022 02:59

Hello, for what it’s worth, I think as you don’t mind, and it’s a big deal for your sis on her big day then I’d time appointments and not wear them. You have a long term relationship with her, it’s her big and important day..and you don’t mind. I think that is your choice and you should stick by that. My curiosity is the comments from your b.f. - he seems to be pushing you to do something that makes you uncomfortable which is fine, maybe he sees your sister as pushy, but it means you are possibly now in the position of trying to please him and please your sister. Who also seems a nbit pushy too. I’ve been there, and it’s Exhausting! Now that you are in such a muddle you can’t make a decision, I’d leave it for a while, and the answer may come clear. But I would definitely do what you think is right, for you. I’d also look at other little things you do without even noticing - are you doing tiny little innocuous things, To please other people that you may not necessarily actually want to do? If you are gently try not to! It can erode your soul. If you start with the little things the big things like the hair, become clearer and easier. Good luck!

HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 06:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And I may get some backlash for this but can we get rid of the idea that appropriating elements from other cultures in itself is problematic? Surely it's positive?

I don't doubt you're well meaning but please do read up on cultural appropriation and why people who belong to a race that has historically been the oppressor adopting a hairstyle used in the large part by the minority oppressed, is problematic in comparison to when a minority traditionally oppressed adopting a hairstyle used mainly by the oppressor.

I think if you read up on it you'll understand why one is problematic cultural appropriation while the other isn't.

Again I'm not saying your intentions are racist, I'm saying your actions do amount to cultural appropriation and that's something worth reading up on to try to understand.

@youvegottenminuteslynn You are the one who needs to be informed. As I've repeatedly said, dreadlocks were/are primarily a white hairstyle. Whites are not oppressed. There is no racial or cultural appropriation here.
HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 06:53

@Poptasmagorical

The people in this thread who don't understand why cultural appropriation matters or who are somehow finding themselves upset at the idea of not being able to do whatever they want just because they want to really need to have a look at themselves. Read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race and try again. It's not that hard to educate yourself and stop being racist. And don't even try reverse racism. It's 2022.
@Poptasmagorical I am tired of repeating this in the thread, but as someone with a History degree and an associate degree in Sociology, and being a POC, I can assure you that racism and cultural appropriation plays no part in this discussion as dreadlocks for centuries past, and now, are primarily a WHITE hairstyle.
milkyaqua · 11/04/2022 07:44

Right... That's why they were a rarity on white people, worldwide, until Reggae music went mainstream.

HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 07:45

@milkyaqua

Right... That's why they were a rarity on white people, worldwide, until Reggae music went mainstream.
You are deeply ill-informed, @milkyaqua. They were a white hairstyle around in ancient roman and pre-Cleopatra times. This was part of my degrees. You are deeply ill-informed.
HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 07:46

@milkyaqua

Right... That's why they were a rarity on white people, worldwide, until Reggae music went mainstream.
Reggae music. Wow. Such ignorance. Did the Romans have Reggae music? Cleopatra? You are making a fool of yourself, @milkyaqua .
NotTheOW · 11/04/2022 07:46

If its this divisive a topic maybe you'd best leave the extensions out for the wedding

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 11/04/2022 08:01

@NotTheOW

If its this divisive a topic maybe you'd best leave the extensions out for the wedding
It isn't.
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 11/04/2022 08:05

@milkyaqua

Right... That's why they were a rarity on white people, worldwide, until Reggae music went mainstream.
Oh god. How embarrassing for you.
NotTheOW · 11/04/2022 08:16

It isn't this thread kind of shows it is

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 11/04/2022 08:59

@NotTheOW

It isn't this thread kind of shows it is
Right yes, because MN is really good indicator of what happens IRL isn't it?

As someone who has their hair dreaded, I can tell you, it really isn't.

milkyaqua · 11/04/2022 09:34

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AllThingsServeTheBeam · 11/04/2022 09:42

@milkyaqua

Seriously. Ancient Rome. Then a long.....long....long....gap before they were seen on heads, until the early 1970s.

I think you are the silly and uninformed ones.

Were you around in the seventies? I don't think so. Or you would not be poncing around making claims about fashions and hairstyles.

That is the most ridiculous argument I have ever seen written down. 🤣 Well done 👍
HangingRock25 · 11/04/2022 09:48

This reply has been deleted

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blondiepigtails · 11/04/2022 15:41

Im not a fan of dreadlocks but I really don't judge those with them, they're not for me. If they had been very much part of my sister's look when I got married it wouldn't have worried me (not sure what my mother wouldve said though...). Your sister was entitled to ask, you're entitled to refuse but don't refuse because your boyfriend said so. Do what YOU want to do.

Trixiefirecracker · 11/04/2022 20:43

I thought Dreads were linked with spiritual and religious enlightenment. Mostly associated with Rastafarians I guess but that is also steeped in their spiritual beliefs.