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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding. Reasonable or unreasonable?

420 replies

Purple1998 · 07/04/2022 14:30

Hello! I just want some opinions.

Basically I'm a bridesmaid for my sister next year, I wear dreadlock extensions, they're quite expensive and they need fitting in every few months. My sister has said to me she or should I say "told" me that I'm not having dreads in for her wedding... granted I won't because it's her day, but my boyfriend thinks she's out of order because he thinks she's basically telling me to not be myself. What do you think? He recons I should say something but I don't think I want to cause agro and would rather her just be happy on her day, not that my hair should make her otherwise... she was a bit cheeky about it because I did tell her that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up, but she replied with "money can't buy taste" Hmm

Do you think she's being reasonable?

OP posts:
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5
WTF475878237NC · 07/04/2022 16:05

But how far is a fake hair extension ‘yourself’?

^ this. She's asking you to be your actual self for a day without the fake hair.

NoHeavenNoMore · 07/04/2022 16:06

She's being very rude. All because they don't fit in with her "image". Wear your hair however makes you happiest!!

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/04/2022 16:07

I absolutely HATE dreadlocks, they are disgusting as a minimum. how to offend a whole culture ...

AWombleScorned · 07/04/2022 16:08

@SVRT19674

I absolutely HATE dreadlocks, they are disgusting as a minimum. But even I, if I had chosen you to be a bridesmaid I would not be telling you how to do your hair. And that flippant money can´t buy class comment she should apply to herself.
excuse me?! a common style worn by black people is disgusting? What the fuck?
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 07/04/2022 16:08

Hi OP!

We've moved this thread over to AIBU for you now.
If you'd rather it go somewhere else, just give us a shout!

TheOrigRights · 07/04/2022 16:11

My sister asked me to grow my hair for her wedding. I didn't.

The dressmaker strongly hinted I should wear a padded bra. I didn't. He measured and fitted the dress. It's not my fault I do not have the sort of figure that looks good in a boned sleeveless bodice (I'm pretty flat).

Some people lose their minds when they get married.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/04/2022 16:13

@QuebecBagnet

She’s been very unreasonable. I wouldn’t change my hair to that extent and would decline bridesmaid duties if she doesn’t want a bridesmaid with dreadlocks.
Neither would I.
Ikeptgoing · 07/04/2022 16:15

SiBU

Of course she can't demand you change your hair for her photos! She can ask you to put it up neatly if you don't mind that but really it's up to you!
Please don't be someone else to fit her aesthetic, presumably you are wearing a dress she chose and are happy to dress up a bit but no no no to demanding someone permanently alter their hair! She either loves who you are or doesn't. If she doesn't then don't be a bridesmaid if this is a condition. She will look unreasonable not you! Your hair isn't up for debate nor comment. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my bridesmaids to change their hair, I only asked if they would mind having it in an up do if they felt happy with that idea (would have accepted a no too!) and if they did agree, how would they like that?

heartofgrass · 07/04/2022 16:16

Hmm I'm torn on this one.

On one hand I don't think it's reasonable to ask someone to change their look but on the other I think FAKE dreadlocks tend to look awful (85% of the time?) and not only do they look awful, i feel they're bordering on cultural appropriation (I'm assuming you're a white woman). So yes, i would also suggest to my sister that perhaps she might want to change up her style as I wouldn't want other guests at my wedding to be offended or to snigger at my bridesmaids hair.

Ringmaster27 · 07/04/2022 16:17

Yeah she’s in the wrong.
Your hair is a part of you.
My Dsis got her knickers in a twist over my visible tattoos. She has me and one other adult bridesmaid who has no tattoos. She said it makes the dress look different on me Hmm It’s going to be the middle of July. I’m not wearing a cardigan or shrug and boil to death.
My tattoos are a part of me the same way your hair is part of you. She needs to suck it up or find another bridesmaid.

Moonface123 · 07/04/2022 16:17

l personally would never ask anyone to change the way they look on my account, l have two sisters one has always had her own unique style, its part of who she is, l love her for it and yes l do think your sisters comment re money can' t buy taste was spiteful and totally unecessary, it says alot more about her than you.

Midlifemusings · 07/04/2022 16:19

I have changed my hair for weddings (twice). Not a big deal. My hair doesn't define me and it can be changed back. I also wear what they want me to wear even though it isn't what I usually would. And in real life I never wear make-up but wore it at the weddings at the request of the brides.

For me it isn't a big deal to change my clothes, hair, wear make-up for someone for their wedding day. I have no desire to stand out as different because I don't want to conform to the bride's vision for her wedding or colour scheme or whatever. Happy to conform for the day and blend in.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/04/2022 16:24

I feel your pain - as a pasty white person I've been sprayed a deep vibrant orange to "look right" in a line up of bridesmaids. I did it because I honestly don't care that much, but a long and expensive hair procedure might be another matter.

RealBecca · 07/04/2022 16:24

Shes wrong but if you've decided how to handle it I dont like that your boyfriend is egging you on to have a confrontation about it.

Lovemusic33 · 07/04/2022 16:25

I love dreads so I’m going to say she’s being Unreasonable. Keep them in.

Ikeptgoing · 07/04/2022 16:26

But how far is a fake hair extension ‘yourself’? ... I would never expect anyone to cut or do anything permanent to their own hair, but aren’t bridesmaids generally expected to conform to a chosen ‘look’?

Bridesmaids usually wear same colour dress and usually a style bride has chosen if that's what was agreed/suitable. You can ask someone to put their hair up or put flowers or clips in it if they agree, but you don't get up decide on major permanent changes to someone's hair !! Disliking someone's extensions or dredds and using your wedding to force that change is unreasonable.

As OP's style is dredds / hair extensions then that is who she is. She may keep same pr similar style forever or may decide to change it herself in years to come, but hair is one way we express individuality and identity.

Bridesmaids are not expected to become barbie dolls for Bride to change everything about them so they all look the same.

The best fun weddings are those with respect where people celebrate who they all are as individuals and care for each other's view points, just like marriage is, OPs sister is starting off on the wrong track already,..

AprilMae · 07/04/2022 16:28

@heartofgrass just wanted to say re the risk of cultural appropriation there is actually a long culture of white Europeans and Scandinavians dreading their hair. I believe it’s a misconception that they’re only part of back culture. Celts and Vikings wore dreads. Not fake ones as far as I know though!

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 07/04/2022 16:28

If it was the day before the wedding and she was suddenly asking you to remove extensions for which you'd paid £££ two weeks ago then that would be dreadful (seewhatIdidthere).

If it's next year and your instinct is to keep her happy then presumably (?) you can time your appointments next spring so that one set will be coming to the end of their lifespan shortly before the wedding and you can take a break for a week before getting a new set.

littleburn · 07/04/2022 16:31

Well I think she is being a bit cheeky and the 'money can't buy taste' comment is incredibly rude. Equally it's not for your boyfriend to tell you how you should feel about it all. How do YOU feel? What do YOU want to do?

Ponygirl00 · 07/04/2022 16:32

Your sister has become a bridezilla but to show she is important to you, and you want her to have her day I would go with it. Just have it done the way you like it again after. She has no need to be rude though, far less likely to get you to agree if she continues that way.

SpilltheTea · 07/04/2022 16:34

"Money can't buy taste" What a cow. She can't demand that people change their appearance. It's rude and controlling.

Ericaequites · 07/04/2022 16:34

@MedusasBadHairDay- I like your idea, but would do it to match the wedding colors.

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 07/04/2022 16:36

[quote contrelamontre]@SometimesRavenSometimesParrot what did your sister think you would do to your hair that was 'not allowed'?[/quote]
I might have dyed it, bleached it, cut it shorter, added a fringe, got too many layers. Anything other than the very boring ‘natural brown’ look she wanted for her pictures

theleafandnotthetree · 07/04/2022 16:37

On the whole rudeness thing, ok the comment about money not buying taste wasn't great but my sister and I would have a very straight talking relationship and what some would consider rudeness, we'd just consider just saying what we actually think. And we'd each do so, so no power dynamics or attempts at oneupmanship. I kind of think if you can't be straight with your sister, who can you be straight with?

Tickledtrout · 07/04/2022 16:39

You've told us what your sister thinks and what your boyfriend thinks. What do you think? Don't play one against the other. Do what you think is best

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