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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding. Reasonable or unreasonable?

420 replies

Purple1998 · 07/04/2022 14:30

Hello! I just want some opinions.

Basically I'm a bridesmaid for my sister next year, I wear dreadlock extensions, they're quite expensive and they need fitting in every few months. My sister has said to me she or should I say "told" me that I'm not having dreads in for her wedding... granted I won't because it's her day, but my boyfriend thinks she's out of order because he thinks she's basically telling me to not be myself. What do you think? He recons I should say something but I don't think I want to cause agro and would rather her just be happy on her day, not that my hair should make her otherwise... she was a bit cheeky about it because I did tell her that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up, but she replied with "money can't buy taste" Hmm

Do you think she's being reasonable?

OP posts:
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JoyLurking9to5 · 09/04/2022 09:39

How committed are you to the hair extensions? Sounds like you were willing to put your sister's wishes that all BMs conform to a look she has in mind before your extensions until your boyfriend stirred up a bit of angst?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 09/04/2022 09:48

@milkyaqua

Dreadlocks have been, in my view, appropriated from Rastafarians.
Is someone obscuring that view? Because you're wrong.
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 09/04/2022 09:52

I would do it only because she is your ds and it's her special day. She should cover any hairdressing costs to do this.

milkyaqua · 09/04/2022 10:14

Is someone obscuring that view? Because you're wrong.

Oh, did you read the front page of Google, too?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 09/04/2022 10:59

@milkyaqua

Is someone obscuring that view? Because you're wrong.

Oh, did you read the front page of Google, too?

Have no need to Google.
bellabasset · 09/04/2022 11:42

Both of you have different styles clearly so I think it depends on whether your dreads could be dressed in a way that doesn't overshadow her hairstyle. If I suggested it was dressed in a snood or all in a bun would you end up with a more distinctive style than hers?

If it doesn't phase you and you can fit it in between removing and replacing your dreads then I'd probably do it.

nosyupnorth · 09/04/2022 12:28

"Telling you not to be yourself" - hair extensions are not your identity Your BF is a ridiculous drama-monger, probably just trying to get brownie points for being 'on your side' in this non-existant arguement.

They're hair extensions and it's one day. Your sister is being a bit silly and bridezilla-y to care but you'd be even more silly to dig your heels in and strain your relationship over it - she's given you enough of a heads up that you care surely plan ahead and time your appointments so when you need them refitting fits with the weddings, there is no reason for this to be a problem.

gamerchick · 09/04/2022 12:44

Gloves are off in here arent they Grin who would have thought hair would be so antagonist.

luciferWasAnAngelToo · 09/04/2022 17:50

It’s cheeky, but I’ve heard of worse Bridezilla requests.
Does the wedding tie in with when you would need to remove/replace the extensions so not putting you out too much?
You don’t seem to mind which is lovely of you, so if you aren’t married/choose to in future contemplate a request for your sister 😉

MyDogWillo · 09/04/2022 18:08

This reply has been deleted

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Amybelle88 · 09/04/2022 18:28

Telling you what bridesmaid dress that she's picked, accessories etc, yeah, you'd probably have to take that on the chin.

Your hair? Absolutely not! Cheeky cow!

Mediocrates · 09/04/2022 18:57

Mine insisted I got rid of my vibrant pink for her wedding because she thought people would be looking at me instead of her

Serialbreeder · 09/04/2022 19:09

I’d get more in and make them multicoloured. Can’t stand precious brides coming out with this crap.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 09/04/2022 19:23

YANBU
I never get this attitude.
Surely when you invite someone to your wedding, you want them there.
Not what they look like!
Some people are so shallow and self absorbed.

BuanoKubiamVej · 09/04/2022 19:31

Dreads aren't something that you can just not have for a day. It would be a project of MONTHS to achieve a non-dread hairstyle for the day, and then return to your preferred style. That's too big an ask. Unless you have been seriously considering going skinhead in which case you could wear a conventional-hairstyle wig for the day. But I would be bowing out of the bridesmaid role in your place. Your sister doesn't actually want you yourself in that role, she wants her fantasy version of a sister who agrees with her on matters of taste, style and self-expression and that's not you.

caringcarer · 09/04/2022 19:40

If they need fitting in every few months just don't have them refitted ahead of her wedding and get them done again straight after. It is her day.

lightisnotwhite · 09/04/2022 19:41

They’re extensions. In for effect.
They can be out for whatever effect the bride wants, surely?

Of course the bride is unreasonable but then the Op can chose not to be a bridesmaid and celebrate as a guest. I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid at my DB wedding. It’s completely fine. It’s the bride and grooms Dayton remember as they want.

lightisnotwhite · 09/04/2022 19:44

@BarnDance

Nobody is going to think it's reasonable for someone to tell another person how to have their hair for a wedding! It's crackers.
Right so no one has hairdressers in to make the wedding party look a certain way? Wedding guests have a bit more license but it’s bad manners to wear anything like a wedding dress. Bridal party suck up whatever the bride wants. Hopefully she’s sane but it’s her wedding, her choice.
Mirw · 09/04/2022 20:04

Her wedding... Do you want to keep your sister or your boyfriend? If it's your boyfriend turn up with your extensions but be prepared for a door in the face. Different if they were actual dreadlocks and you have them because you are a Rastafariqn. Instead they are fake and you are simply nicking someone else's culture.

Gilld69 · 09/04/2022 20:07

Well my eldest daughter wanted all her Bridesmaid with their hair up with cascading curls unfortunately her eldest sister who was maid of honour got cancer and ended up totally bald by the time the wedding came around , she should just be grateful your there your healthy and you have hair x

Jacketpotato84 · 09/04/2022 20:09

Go to her wedding with your dreds in if she kicks off she will have to do it in front of everyone,then you can just leave and everyone will know how ridiculous she is

StageRage · 09/04/2022 20:10

@BuanoKubiamVej

Dreads aren't something that you can just not have for a day. It would be a project of MONTHS to achieve a non-dread hairstyle for the day, and then return to your preferred style. That's too big an ask. Unless you have been seriously considering going skinhead in which case you could wear a conventional-hairstyle wig for the day. But I would be bowing out of the bridesmaid role in your place. Your sister doesn't actually want you yourself in that role, she wants her fantasy version of a sister who agrees with her on matters of taste, style and self-expression and that's not you.
You were too late to the thread to see a pic of the dreads in question , I take it? Wink
Midlifemusings · 09/04/2022 20:13

I do think many people are unaware that many brides want a certain look and have hairdressers, make-up artists, chosen dresses to achieve that look. And certainly not the two weddings I was in! Both brides had a really clear picture of an aesthetic they were creating and everyone in the bridal party had to conform to that aesthetic. I did voice I wasn't happy with the make-up application as I never wear make-up and for me it felt really excessive (not a natural make-up look!) but the photographer really wanted it that way to get a specific look for the pictures as some were from a distance and she wanted facial features to not fade into faces. It wasn't me and I didn't feel comfortable at all but it did look good in the pictures!

I have been to over 20 weddings and I don't think I have ever been to a wedding where the bride had a come as you are, we just want you there attitude towards the bridal party.

coolbean · 09/04/2022 20:13

I asked for mums net to remove my replied post because I no longer wanted my photos in here as this has blew up!

I will be having my hair in a way that that makes my sister happy on her day, I was just curious really to what a majority thought of the request as my bf thought it was really cheeky and felt quite mad over it. Some believe he's shit stirring but I really do not believe this is his intention it's just came from a protective place and probably just feels like he's sticking up for me. I was just wondering if maybe I was down playing the request if that makes sense?

I cannot believe I have been called a racist over the way I like my hair! I do not have a racist bone in my body! Some people really need to choose their battles surely there are bigger matters out there than attacking my hair style?

I'll say it again, dread locks are found historically in many cultures and ethnicities and I'm past justifying why it's okay for me to have a hair style. I believe we all have the freedom to dress and style ourselves as we please to do.

And I may get some backlash for this but can we get rid of the idea that appropriating elements from other cultures in itself is problematic? Surely it's positive? The mindset that we all ought to stay in cultural lane doesn't sit with me. Who wants to be in a world where the only cultural inspiration you're allowed to be entitled to is solely your own roots?

So please can the cultural appropriation police stop reaching at calling me racist because I love dreads. Especially when there is actual awful racist people out there committing hate crimes... you're getting passionate in the wrong battle. (In my opinion)

Reimu · 09/04/2022 20:17

It would actually probably be harmful for her as a person if you went over with such an unreasonable demand, as well as disrespectful towards you, and once the wedding happens there is no taking back that one moment in which you caved in. You don't have to submit to her every whim just because she's getting married, you wouldn't be the one causing agro, she would. Always remember a person's overreaction is not an objective measure of the gravity of the situation, I would not, in a million-years change my hair for such a thing, it is shallow on her part.

If I was you, she either deals with it, or deals with it, my boyfriend's word would also carry more weight than hers, as he is being the voice of reason.

That said, you are not making a big deal out of it by refusing, it would actually be a big deal to have a problem with your hair to begin with. She is telling you your hair is not beautiful enough for her wedding, which your boyfriend, the one person's who's opinion actually matters on it in addition to your own, obviously disagrees.

Anyways, dreadlocks are beautiful no matter what race you are, they are also elegant and absolutely propper for a wedding, please don't feel like you have to change them to satisfy anyone else.