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My sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding. Reasonable or unreasonable?

420 replies

Purple1998 · 07/04/2022 14:30

Hello! I just want some opinions.

Basically I'm a bridesmaid for my sister next year, I wear dreadlock extensions, they're quite expensive and they need fitting in every few months. My sister has said to me she or should I say "told" me that I'm not having dreads in for her wedding... granted I won't because it's her day, but my boyfriend thinks she's out of order because he thinks she's basically telling me to not be myself. What do you think? He recons I should say something but I don't think I want to cause agro and would rather her just be happy on her day, not that my hair should make her otherwise... she was a bit cheeky about it because I did tell her that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up, but she replied with "money can't buy taste" Hmm

Do you think she's being reasonable?

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Midlifemusings · 09/04/2022 20:19

@coolbean

You have replied from a different account so it isn't showing up as an OP response.

coolbean · 09/04/2022 20:23

[quote Midlifemusings]@coolbean

You have replied from a different account so it isn't showing up as an OP response.[/quote]
Aw I didn't realise that it won't show as OP it still comes up red on my side 🙈 never mind! Just thought I'd say my peace x

WTF475878237NC · 09/04/2022 20:26

Irate bean Wink

Foxylass · 09/04/2022 20:39

So you agreed with her to begin with. Why are you now changing your mind?
If you were happy to please her for her big day, what changed?

Reimu · 09/04/2022 20:50

@coolbean Also, anyone who calls you a racist for having dreads is objectively a racist person, you are not racist at all and those people are just crazy, like all racist people are.

coolbean · 09/04/2022 21:00

@Foxylass

So you agreed with her to begin with. Why are you now changing your mind? If you were happy to please her for her big day, what changed?
Not that I "agree with her" I just replied with that they're expensive and was hoping she wouldn't bring them up. When it comes down to it I'll have a different hair style for the day but wondered if majority find this a reasonable request and if I was downplaying it because my boyfriend was baffled how I wasn't as fuming as him over it kinda thing. But I am also just used to my sister being like this when it comes to my style choices etc so wanted more perspective. X
OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 21:05

Katy Perry had dreads one and the media had a right go at her. I imagine your sister is protecting you from people who feel the same way.

Reimu · 09/04/2022 21:50

@OutingHobby

Katy Perry had dreads one and the media had a right go at her. I imagine your sister is protecting you from people who feel the same way.
There is no reason to go after anyone with dreads.
LittleMissMe99 · 09/04/2022 22:22

She's being a bridezilla. You can't dictate what hair people have to your wedding. That's completely unreasonable

Owl55 · 09/04/2022 22:33

Maybe she will pay for you to have them reinstated after the wedding! She sounds a bit unreasonable but I can understand you want her to be happy too.

Nonononondggddgvf · 09/04/2022 22:45

Absolutely not that's immensely rude as are the people commenting calling it a wacky hairstyle at this rate why doesn't she just send out a mass email to all guests with a strict dress code has she any idea how offensive this whole situation and her statements are

Midlifemusings · 09/04/2022 22:50

@Nonononondggddgvf

I did go to one wedding where the bride sent out a dress code for the wedding. They wanted everyone in specific colours, weird but I did it!

I was invited to another wedding that had a theme and they also wanted everyone to dress a certain way. I didn't go to that wedding in the end but from their pictures, it looks like most people obliged.

I think most often people do give in to the bride's wishes as weddings are often seen as her special expensive day and she gets to call the shots.

Nanof8 · 09/04/2022 23:43

I don't think it's unreasonable to as k you to change your hair for the day. Most bridesmaids have their hair done up in a style that is not necessarily their choice and do it because they care about the bride. It's your sister and you are being a loving sister by not causing agro.

Nennypops · 09/04/2022 23:58

[quote Midlifemusings]@Nonononondggddgvf

I did go to one wedding where the bride sent out a dress code for the wedding. They wanted everyone in specific colours, weird but I did it!

I was invited to another wedding that had a theme and they also wanted everyone to dress a certain way. I didn't go to that wedding in the end but from their pictures, it looks like most people obliged.

I think most often people do give in to the bride's wishes as weddings are often seen as her special expensive day and she gets to call the shots.[/quote]
Goodness, I don't. I don't think it's appropriate for any bride to dictate that all her guests incur yet more expense (over and above wedding present, travel etc) going out to buy matchy matchy clothes that they may never wear again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/04/2022 00:42

And I may get some backlash for this but can we get rid of the idea that appropriating elements from other cultures in itself is problematic? Surely it's positive?

I don't doubt you're well meaning but please do read up on cultural appropriation and why people who belong to a race that has historically been the oppressor adopting a hairstyle used in the large part by the minority oppressed, is problematic in comparison to when a minority traditionally oppressed adopting a hairstyle used mainly by the oppressor.

I think if you read up on it you'll understand why one is problematic cultural appropriation while the other isn't.

Again I'm not saying your intentions are racist, I'm saying your actions do amount to cultural appropriation and that's something worth reading up on to try to understand.

Reimu · 10/04/2022 03:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And I may get some backlash for this but can we get rid of the idea that appropriating elements from other cultures in itself is problematic? Surely it's positive?

I don't doubt you're well meaning but please do read up on cultural appropriation and why people who belong to a race that has historically been the oppressor adopting a hairstyle used in the large part by the minority oppressed, is problematic in comparison to when a minority traditionally oppressed adopting a hairstyle used mainly by the oppressor.

I think if you read up on it you'll understand why one is problematic cultural appropriation while the other isn't.

Again I'm not saying your intentions are racist, I'm saying your actions do amount to cultural appropriation and that's something worth reading up on to try to understand.

Good grief, I'm sure you have broken a couple of forum rules with that post alone so far. These derailing people keep doing is terrible.

I know you may be well-meaning, but that statement in itself is racist, you do not get to tell a person they can't do something or wear a certain style just because of the color of their skin. Maybe you should be the one to read up on some facts, Europe, Africa, India, China, Japan, Australia, Asia and Central Asia have all had braids in their cultures, yes the oldest examples of hair braiding are from South Africa, so? Swords, hunting, hierarchies and so on are things that have also been shared by cultures, even those who did not interact at the time. Think about it, you have to be incredibly ethnocentric to lay claim to an entire hairstyle and incredibly racist to tell another ethnicity that they cannot wear that hairstyle because it "appropriates" your culture, really? You lay monopoly in the name of people with a certain shade of skin on the art of braiding one's hair tightly? Your culture? Yours? Really? Do you know what the earliest depiction of dreads are? The God Shiva in India, some believe that African Egyptians "appropriated" it from them. We can even see some of the earliest depictions of dreadlocks date back as far as 1600–1500 BCE in the Minoan Civilization, one of Europe’s earliest civilizations, centered in Crete (now part of Greece). Never have I heard a Greek tell another ethnicity, nor an Indian not to wear dreadlocks because it "appropriates" their culture, then again, I don't know any Greek people, nor many Indians.

And please drop the "belong to a race that has historically been the oppressor", that is all sorts of offensive, say that to Asians about Ghengis Kahn or to Mexicans about drug cartels and that will certainly change your tone, if that sounds wrong to you, it's because it is, if what you are saying sounds right to you, then that is a problem, that is not how the real world works. So if you mean specifically in America, the only similarity she has to so called oppressors is the color of her skin, may not even share genes(could be Scottish, German or any other of the many different "white" humans)and you are dictating what she can or can't do based on the color of her skin, that is essentially what racism is. I must also point out, that there is a time an place, and this is certainly not it, she never asked for YOUR permission to wear dreads, nor was it relevant to her question, stop strongarming your ideology on innocent people.

Newhousesad · 10/04/2022 03:14

Unreasonable. It’s always unreasonable for someone to tell someone else what to do with their body

Poptasmagorical · 10/04/2022 08:21

The people in this thread who don't understand why cultural appropriation matters or who are somehow finding themselves upset at the idea of not being able to do whatever they want just because they want to really need to have a look at themselves.
Read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race and try again.
It's not that hard to educate yourself and stop being racist. And don't even try reverse racism. It's 2022.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/04/2022 08:25

@Reimu

Good grief, I'm sure you have broken a couple of forum rules with that post alone so far. These derailing people keep doing is terrible.

I said that poster is well meaning, not racist but perhaps doesn't understand cultural appropriation.

What forum rules do you think I have broken specifically?

coolbean · 10/04/2022 08:31

@Poptasmagorical

The people in this thread who don't understand why cultural appropriation matters or who are somehow finding themselves upset at the idea of not being able to do whatever they want just because they want to really need to have a look at themselves. Read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race and try again. It's not that hard to educate yourself and stop being racist. And don't even try reverse racism. It's 2022.
You're reaching. I can go about my day happy in knowing I'm not a racist thank you. 😊👍🏼
clpsmum · 10/04/2022 08:31

@Newhousesad

Unreasonable. It’s always unreasonable for someone to tell someone else what to do with their body
Brilliantly put
TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 08:35

It's not that hard to educate yourself and stop being racist.

What exactly is racist about white people letting their hair do what hair does naturally when you don't brush or style it, and had been used by most civilisations (white and black) since the dawn of time?

TheKeatingFive · 10/04/2022 08:46

The problem with the definition of cultural appropriation is that it depends on a number of premises to make any sense. None of which stand up to any scrutiny.

Firstly, that practices are neatly 'owned' by one culture and not others. That's almost never true. Humans have always borrowed from and been inspired by the cultures of others. We would be a much less rich people if we didn't do this.

Secondly, that we can make a neat list of cultures from most to least oppressed and apply that accordingly. That's total nonsense obviously.

In most cases, what people want to chalk up to CA is simply racism, but often the issues get skewed as they are here.

The problem here is the historical racism around black people's hairstyles, which should be strongly condemned and fought against. However policing white women's hairstyles does not have an impact on that problem whatsoever

WTF475878237NC · 10/04/2022 08:47

Read Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race and try again.

^ The people who most need to read this book are probably thinking eh I don't need to read this I'm not racist.

Jenkibubble · 10/04/2022 14:46

I can relate slightly . I’m a bridesmaid for my sister and we have been told we can’t have our hair in a certain style on the day ( the same as hers )
I get it , though it rules out a lot of styles . Would be peeved if she dictated how we had it cut though x