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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want MIL not to always take DD to her house ?

348 replies

nattichix · 07/04/2022 11:05

Let me start by saying, I DO NOT rely on my MIL or in laws for child care. My DD is two and a few months and goes to full time nursey.

When my in laws want to spend time with her, THEY contact me to ask if they can pick her up from nursey or pick her up from my house at the weekend etc.

They rarely come to visit her here, they're always keen to just take her away to her house to ' give me a break '. So they say. I suspect they just like to be alone with her in their own home.

Generally it's OK for me. But sometimes I would rather they just spent time with her here in my home, whilst I'm also here. My DD is getting to the age now where she's really starting to learn a lot and I really want her time to be used well. I want her to have fun, but I do want everyone to do their part to teach her songs and not just spend time speaking to her in a baby voice and giving her kisses. It's super cute and we do it a lot, but if she's going to spend a lot of time at their house, I would like for them to do some educational stuff with her, which I think they don't really do. They also let her get away with murder and never tell her not to do stuff. Sometimes they want to see her once to twice a week, so she can spend a bit of time there. It's variable though, sometimes they don't have her there for a couple of weeks. It depends on their schedule.

There may be a period coming up where they'll ask to have her round more and I'm concerned how it will impractical her.

In that case, if I am also there sometimes, I can suggest activities or encourage everyone to try teaching her certain things I'm working on - like body parts or colours etc. whatever it might be I'm trying to teach her.

I just don't like that they always want to snatch her away and are unwilling to spend time with her here.

Like I say, sometimes is fine, but it shouldn't be the expectation every time they want to spend time with her.

What does everyone else do when their children see grandparents ? Is it always on the grandparents terms at their house, without you there ? Or do you all spend time together ?

OP posts:

Lalliella · 07/04/2022 20:10

Ah OP I think I was a bit snidey too and I apologise. You did sound like one of those awful competitive mums at first! Now I think you’re like you are because of the awful competitive mums.

Just let DD be a toddler and have fun! They’ll teach her loads at nursery. And all kids develop at different rates. DS barely spoke till he was 2 and I had to force him out of nappies at 3. He’s perfectly fine now! He’s 19 and can almost feed himself!

You need to sort the ILs out though. They need to respect your boundaries. It’s totally not on to take DD to their house against your wishes. Especially when you don’t get a lot of quality time with her. Try to change things with them so they come to yours. If they want to take her say no you have XYZ fun activity planned.

Parenting is tough. But it can also be fun. You do need to chill a bit more!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/04/2022 20:14

The blame falls immediately on myself. Which I'm sure is the case for a lot of parents.

Pretty sure it's the case for all parents, except the really shifty ones.

FWIW I don't think I consciously did anything educational with DS, and he survived me.

I forgot to add - DH is currently stressing because DS is not interested in doing any extracurricular activities and (in DH view) isn't reading enough. These days I'm the chilled one, maybe because I got all the worrying out of my system early on

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/04/2022 20:15

*shitty, not shifty.

Lalliella · 07/04/2022 20:17

Also - nursery is pretty full-on. DD probably appreciates some downtime. How about some outings with her - farms, zoos, feeding the ducks, swimming etc? Quality time that gives her some variety in what she does.

timeisnotaline · 07/04/2022 20:18

Next time they offer to pick her up wouldn’t you just say no, last time I asked you to bring her here and you kept her at yours for a few hours instead. You
Could add You’re welcome to come around but dd won’t be going out again today.

I’m not sure not mentioning it when they brought her back was a good outcome, I don’t see why they wouldn’t just ignore you next time too.

Askingforfriend · 07/04/2022 20:22

Unless they are sticking her in front of a screen for ages then she is learning and one of the best ways kids have to learn is just being around adults that they trust. You absolutely do not need to do structured learning at that age. Playing is the 100% best way of kids learning.

Maybe others are doing more, that absolutely does not mean that they will do better in the long term.

If it really matters to you, ask her grandparents to play music (of ANY kind) to her and to read to her. Even those things don't have to be done all day long, you can play music and sing in the morning while eating breakfast or getting washed/dressed or going to nursery. You can read at bedtime and weekends.

Unclench a little, love your kid, expose them to a lot of experiences naturally and let her develop at her own pace. Kids learn when they are ready. Unstressed parents are much more of a blessing for kids than being sung to.

My cousin's son didn't read books AT ALL until he was ?7? ?8? despite being in a literature rich environment. Within the space of a month he started reading and went almost straight away to short kids novels and within the year was reading Harry Potter. Bright kid who grew into a bright adult and did just fine.

winterchills · 07/04/2022 20:27

Wow you sound like hard work!
No wonder they want to take her to their house to enjoy being grandparents and not being made to do what you think they should be doing with her! She's two! She goes to nursery full time and sounds like your overbearing of all the stuff your teaching her so let her be with her grandparents and relax for gods sake!

cantbecoping · 07/04/2022 20:51

Why do you have to hover all the time. They want to take her to their house for some special grandparent time but you want to be there to watch over her under the guise of you all having fun. It's weird. Christ Almighty, let them take her, she is all yours when she comes home. She will pick up on your helicopter parenting, let her be and give yourself a break from worrying over nothing.

Original poster

nattichix · 07/04/2022 21:08

@timeisnotaline

Next time they offer to pick her up wouldn’t you just say no, last time I asked you to bring her here and you kept her at yours for a few hours instead. You Could add You’re welcome to come around but dd won’t be going out again today.

I’m not sure not mentioning it when they brought her back was a good outcome, I don’t see why they wouldn’t just ignore you next time too.

I just really don't want to have a big fight again with screaming and crying mother in law telling me I'm a bully when I'm 9 months pregnant. I don't have the energy. That's what happens whenever I put any boundaries up.

OP posts:

Assssssssssss · 07/04/2022 21:13

I understand you want the best for your child and different mothering comes out in different ways. However you need to understand that you can't control how the people in her life behave with her. Once you let go a bit you will be relieved.

Snaketime · 07/04/2022 21:24

I've not RTFT op, but in regards to your DD being behind her peers, not necessarily. I have 2 DC and different children learn differently. When my DS was the same age as you DD he had maybe 10 words, he is 4 now and we can't get him to stop talking. He is also only just learning colours, numbers and letters.

In regard to the grandparents maybe sit down with them and tell them that you appreciate them 'giving you a break' but can we please mix it up a bit and sometimes they can take her back to theirs but sometimes can we please all spend time together as I think it will be good for DD to see us all spending time together.

autienotnaughty · 07/04/2022 21:31

Get in first invite them round.

Staryflight445 · 07/04/2022 22:39

Solidarity op, heavily pregnant too and will drop any day. I’m exhausted but please, this needs sorting when you’re upto it.
They sound toxic and quite frankly shouldn’t have your dd alone. Their intentions and behaviour really cause me concern.

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2022 23:15

She cries? Tough shit, you are the mum and you get to say what happens. Put some boundaries in place now before it becomes normal that your mil does as she pleases.

caringcarer · 07/04/2022 23:20

There is no need for people to give OP such a hard time. She just wants her DC to do well and get on in life. Child is probably PFB. I taught my children to do phonic alphabet by 3 and blends too. They were reading at 4. We just spent 10 mins twice a day. All my children loved learning and still do today as adults.

justjuggling · 07/04/2022 23:21

I really think you need to try and stop comparing her to other two year olds. There’s no need to get her ‘up to her peers’ level and you don’t want to spent the next 16 years engaged in competitive parenting whilst she does through school.

It’s lovely that her grandparents want to spend time with her and she’ll learn stuff anyway through reading books with them or pottering round in the garden. The most important thing she’ll learn though is that she’s loved and valued and special to them and that’ll do her self esteem and confidence the world of good as she grows up.

Try to relax and just enjoy them building a relationship. My parents are really close to my 2 DC and I can see how much all of them still get from the bond they share.

JustLyra · 07/04/2022 23:25

Long term though you have to have that argument at least once.

If you don’t your boundaries and wishes are just going to be ignored completely.

Lalliella · 08/04/2022 00:06

It’s your MIL who’s the bully not you. Manipulative with it too. Your DH needs to get on board with this and talk to his parents and establish boundaries, rather than hiding behind his 9 month pregnant wife’s maternity petticoats.

timeisnotaline · 08/04/2022 03:14

That sounds awful. The thing is OP, you’ll have to have that discussion sometime and if she cries then that’s her problem. You’re not a bully. Every time this happens and your blood pressure goes up and you think why won’t you listen to me, I’m her mother, you should also think: a couple of firm boundary setting seasons, ignoring her tears, and you won’t have to deal with this anymore. But until you have those discussions, they’ll always be something ‘hard’ still to do, and in the meantime you’ll be suffering through this.
I should warn you, the better you get at sticking up for yourself, the more you will look at your husband and think where were you? Why weren’t you on my team? If you’re not on my team, then why are you in this marriage? Why am I in this marriage? Worth telling him that too.

Changeee1546789 · 08/04/2022 03:51

Jesus Christ - poor kid

Kaw10 · 08/04/2022 04:00

@nattichix

Sorry I'm confused about another matter - in every single one of your posts you call it "Nursey".
Is this different to nursery?

FartnissEverbeans · 08/04/2022 04:34

@Kaw10 Are you seriously asking such a banal question?

Kaw10 · 08/04/2022 04:37

Yes, sorry, she said it so often I thought it meant "Nurse", like one person! Nothing sinister implied, she mentioned comparison to other kids and I was confused as to whether one person looked after her or if she was in a larger group of kids. I'm in Europe, childcare is different here. That's why I mentioned "another matter".

Kaw10 · 08/04/2022 04:42

Sorry @nattichix if you want a more on topic post from me, my most recent thought was that now you've seen that they don't respect your wishes regarding bringing her home straight after Nursey/nursery, you should put your foot down and stand your ground. Regardless of the learning/development aspect of it, they are not respecting your wishes as her mother!!

Wallywobbles · 08/04/2022 05:03

CoVid has not been kind to babies. The ones that are ahead of her night have grown up with older siblings. Don't beat yourself up about progress. Really

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